So this picture pretty much sums up my "friendships" lately! I'm actually not calling them friendships anymore because I now realize that's not what they were. I'm not sure if there is a word for what I've had with certain people lately. I keep trusting people and they keep stabbing me in the back while holding my hand. I forgive people, I do, I guess that's why I keep trusting the same kind of people. Shame on me. What's the old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Well, shame on me because I trusted people who I KNEW weren't any good. People tried to warn me but I just didn't see it. I guess because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to see they've changed. Yet they never do. Thank God for family - as crazy as they can be some time they truly are the only ones who continue to be there. Who you can honestly say ANYTHING to and it may tick them off for a minute and then they are over it.....My husband is always honest with me and I keep asking him if I'm the problem? If I've done something or if I'm doing something that is wrong. But I've figured it out, the only thing I'm doing wrong is choosing to try to embrace someone who is riddled with spite, jealousy, past hurts and regrets and a controlling spirit. And I hate that because there are things about them that are so good and so fun. Those are the things I love about them - but I'm starting to see now that all those things I loved about them are fake.
Someone I know has told me over and over that women are catty and mean and hard to be friends with and that is so true. I try so hard to keep myself in check and not let jealousy or anything overwhelm good friendships. Yet I see it happen over and over. People like to say that they aren't insecure in anything but they are. I know I am! I have insecurities but I don't let them rule me or control who I am friends with. People don't want to be friends with people who put a spotlight on problems in their own lives. When people feel like they are being "shown up" they bail before the water gets to hot and they start feeling to guilty and insecure.
I am overwhelmed and hurt because I've just made amends with this person, I thought she was trust worthy. I thought she was different. But I'm starting to see she is the same as the last person who stuck a knife in my back. That wound hasn't even healed, and now I'm pulling another knife out of it. My husband and I have said it over and over again - it's like non-Christians know how to be better friends then ones who claim to be Christians. They seem to have a deeper sense of loyalty and honesty. Isn't that sad? Sad but true for the most part....don't get me wrong (because I'm sure someone will jump on this!), there are obviously a lot of good Christian people out there who are really good friends. I'm just saying for the most part it seems like Christians are the immature, insecure ones when they are supposed to be the mature, stable ones. I say over and over that half of the people who claim "Jesus" are horrible examples of who He truly is. I'm not a good example a lot of times but I do try.
People who I've never really thought of as friends I've realized have probably been better friends to me then the people I thought were my friends. I wish it was easy for me to just leave it all behind and move on but it's not. I obsess over it and think about it......it's one of my faults. And it just makes my heart break even more. I've cried and cried this afternoon - sometimes I think it's worse then a break up. It is a break up in a way I guess. Someone you've trusted and made apart of your life has officially cut you off. I wish I could honestly say I'm Over It and go on my merry way but it hurts so much I can't breathe sometimes. I wish I wasn't so emotional but since I am I'll just have to deal with it.
I think I'm ready to move - not that moving changes your situation. It doesn't at all, if you are the issue. But at least if I go somewhere else not everyone will know each other and pass rumors and "friendships" back and forth and back around. Here everyone knows every one somehow and it gets old. But hey, it seems that the two people who have stabbed me in the back have re-kindled a non existing friendship! Isn't that humorous? I guess they are a lot alike so they'll have a lot in common. They can exchange lies and fake compliments until they feel all good and fuzzy about themselves. Someone told me I should just go ahead and name names and get it out there but I can't, I have to remain generalized.
Someone I do trust alot told me that the moment you start losing weight and bettering yourself you will start seeing who is truly your friend and who isn't. Who is secure in themselves and what they are and who they are and who isn't. I've done it, I've hated people because they were fit or getting there. I hated them because they were doing something I didn't have the will power and self control and motivation to do myself. And so I guess there are people who feel that same way about me now. This isn't to "toot" my own horn, in fact I feel embarrassed sometimes mentioning I've lost weight or gone down sizes because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable about themselves around me. I don't gloat about it or anything but I do want people to see that I changed my life! I stepped up to the plate, finally, and did something I never thought I could do. I've worked HARD, really hard to get here. It isn't easy. I've never pushed anyone to do it to but don't hate me because I am doing it. Both of these "friends" who've betrayed me have both done it at times when I was going to the "next level" in my fitness and they didn't want to push themselves and so they start stuff. They use all sorts of excuses but they usually choose something they know will crush me. And the funny thing is both times it's been each other. How strange and coincidental. I'm not saying the only reason they have stabbed me in the back is because I've lost weight but I do know that's it's made them uncomfortable and we usually try to get rid of what makes us uncomfortable in life.....I think maybe my honesty and upfrontness at times makes people uncomfortable too because they themselves aren't upfront and honest.
It's hard to let "friends" go, even ones that have been awful to you because you can always remember the good times. And I've had good times with both of these people but they've chosen to throw away those good times and real moments for....well, I'm still unsure why they've thrown them away but they have. And I won't take the blame for it because it's not my fault, I'd willingly admit if it was. In some ways I wish it was so that I could fix it and move on but this time it's not. So I guess I'll try and treasure the good times and forget the bad ones and move on in my life. There will be more friends, hopefully much better ones! But for now I have an amazing supportive husband, a sweet little girl who loves me dearly, an awesome sister who is alot like me and totally different at the same time and family who still, in the midst of everything, loves me. And for that I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for people who, even though we aren't "best" friends any more have never stooped so low as to stab me in the back and cut my heart out ( thanks Mrs. Abel!). I love them for who they are to me!