Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Look in the mirror....

"Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives."

Someone recently told me to "take a look in the mirror and then blog about that....". They meant it rudely and as a slap but I thought perhaps it was a good idea! I have figured out that usually the people who tell you to go look in the mirror are usually people who are avoiding looking into it themselves. It's hard to look at yourself in a true light. We either see ourselves much better then we are or we see ourselves much worse. I guess perhaps I lean more towards seeing myself in a pretty negative light. I'm trying to change that but I feel almost vain trying to see myself positively. As though it's wrong to like yourself or something. I guess I do know I have faults, plenty of them and to me that far out weighs my good qualities. I don't always do things or say things right. I say things on impulse especially when I am hurting. I want whoever is inflicting pain on me to feel the same way I do, so sometimes I choose to say things I regret. And yet at other times I hold my tongue when I really should say something. I don't have that balanced yet. Sometimes my only way to tell someone the truth and exactly how I feel is to do it angrily. Because I don't have the courage to do it in a calm manner. That is a fault I see in myself. I envy people like my husband who have no problem with standing up for themselves and what they think. I so badly want to please people and make them happy that I often don't speak up for myself, I don't lie but I just keep silent so that I don't "rock the boat".
I'm not very self motivated either - I get motivated to do one thing and it's like all my energy and what little motivation I can muster up all goes into that one thing. I don't know how to split it up and give it out to more then one thing at a time! I'm not easily inspired...it takes a lot to inspire me enough to actually do something.
I'm not a quitter, I hate quitting something I've started. Once I start it I'm in it til the end. Period. But that keeps me from trying a lot of things. Because if I'm not absolutely positive that it's something I want to do and complete I don't even give it a try. I don't understand when people get half way through with something and then just give it up. Especially when they've spent money and time on it.
I'm not patient at all - I want things to happen now, I want to do them now, I want to be them now. I don't like waiting. I'm not a patient teacher either - it's drives me nuts when I show someone something and they don't get it right away. That's why I admire teachers so much, especially people who teach children. Gracious, the insane amounts of patience it takes is overwhelming! People ask me all the time if I'm going to home school Gianna and I'm like absolutely not! Gianna would end up hating me because I don't have the patience to teach her and teach her right. Teaching is for patient people, I've seen the results of impatient teachers and the result is an angry, resentful student. I'm not going to risk my relationship with my child in order to keep her at home.
I'm prideful and most of the time I don't know how to just cut loose and have fun and be silly or stupid. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. The only time I really just completely relax is when I'm home with just me and Gianna. She thinks everything is funny and she gets a kick out of dancing around and acting crazy. And I love that! I wish I could just do the same in front of others.
I'm not competitive - I would rather just let you win or have the game so that everyone stays happy. I don't like to rock the boat unless I really feel threatened.
I HATE confrontation - it makes my throat dry and my heart pound. It makes me cry.....if and when people confront me I rarely stand up for myself.
I'm not a super, duper happy all the time person. I see the negative, I see the bad and it often overwhelms the good and positive for me. I don't mean to - it's just how I see things. But I do get tired of people always pointing this out to me as though they are any better at it. Someone recently told me "you seem so angry all the time...." and I thought "Well, so do you!" It's funny how we can't seem to see our own faults but can so quickly pick out others. I do it too, it's alot easier to point to others instead of looking at yourself. But sometimes I think maybe I look at myself too much. To the point that I'm just overwhelmed by my short comings and I don't even know where to start to fix them all. I constantly ask those who are in "authority" over my life or have a position in which I look up to them if I'm doing something wrong, if how I am as a person is creating issues that are indeed my fault. I respect them a lot and listen to what they have to say (even if they think I don't!). But if these people see the same issues in a situation that I do then I know it's not just me - it's not just me seeing what I want to see.
I'm terrible at keeping my house clean and organized! I really try but it's not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to want to hold on to things I have but thanks to my hubby I'm learning to let go and move on because there will always more! I don't want to end up on some hoarding show in the future! Lol! Na, I'm not that bad!

So this is what I see when I look in the mirror. There are good qualities I see, but they are overshadowed by the bad I'm afraid. I do think I'm strong, I keep bouncing back from situations I don't think I ever will. I do forgive even though a lot of times I don't want to. I do admit I'm wrong when I am, even though it would be so much nicer to just pretend I'm right all the time. I'm a loyal friend,although I'm starting to think people don't really want loyalty. I won't lie to you, I won't say anything before I'll lie. I try my best to be a supportive wife and a loving mother. I mess up often but I try my best. I want to be something in life but I don't know what yet....I'm still thinking about that one.

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