Growing up I had pretty strict parents. Now that I'm more grown up I understand the reasoning
behind them being so strict and in some ways I'm grateful and in some ways I feel like I missed
out on things that weren't harmful or bad. But I remember growing up I dreaded asking my
parents if I could do things or go places because 9 times out of 10 it was "no" and a reason behind it. Sometimes it was a good reason, sometimes it was just a reason.
But I hated asking. I hated hearing no, as most of us do. I hated the feeling of disappointment
and I always felt embarrassed about it. I was embarrassed that I cared so much that it
upset me that I was told no. I hated showing that something someone else deemed silly,
stupid or even bad, meant so much to me. I'm a people pleaser, I hate that sometimes but unless it causes me straight up harm or my family I usually say yes. I guess that's why I stay out
of as many situations as I can that I might possibly have to say no to. I feel guilty and I feel
like whoever I say no to thinks less of me for saying it. And I hate that certain people who say no to me have the power to make react with such emotion. I want to not care, to show them that just because they have the power to say no and make the decision for me doesn't mean I care. But sadly, I do care. So I end up carrying around that disappointment and frustration a lot longer then maybe others do because I have to sort out so many levels of emotions.
I'm like this still - I hate having to ask permission to do something or get something especially
when I kinda know the answer may be no already. I literally feel slightly clammy and my heart races, and I twirl my hair and walk around and think about it for EVER before I finally get up
the guts to ask. Then when I'm told no I immediately feel like I'm 12 years old again asking if
I can spend the night with a friend.......I feel that embarrassment and frustration welling up.
Not even so much that it was a "no" but that again, their decisions effects me emotionally so much.
I feel completely silly saying all this but my point is this - I throw mental tantrums. We are
kinda dealing with a bit of a tantrum stage with Gianna right now. When she's told no she throws her hands around, stomps off, says stuff in an angry tone. Of course we are working with
her and disciplining her so that she learns to control these. Because whether we like it or not
we can never curb our children of tantrums. They simply learn to control them and not express them with outward physical signs. I throw fits in my mind - in my mind I yell, throw my hands in the air, stomp off and scream "that's not fair! You can't tell me what to do! I'm a grown woman!" But instead on the outside you see me say Ok, remain kinda quiet for awhile, not look you in the eye and remain in a thoughtful mood until I can get ahold of my "tantrum". And if you speak to me or push me about what's wrong I'm going to cry. Because their is a tornado of
feelings inside my head that just explode with the slightest prod.
I'm pretty sure I'm not alone - do you throw quiet grown up tantrums?