Monday, May 31, 2010

Sisters


I have been struggling lately with the realization that all things must change even though we may not want them to, even though we may fight hard for them to stay the same. I don't do well with change, at least at first. It's always difficult for me....I adjust of course, over time but it's a struggle at first. I don't like when we people change or leave or move on. Especially people I love and care about or enjoy being with. I know I've talked about it a lot but over the past 6 months or so I've "lost" two friends. One I was kinda prepared for because it hadn't worked for us to be friends before and I knew she hadn't changed so I expected it to end although it was still hard. The other one was a complete shock - she had been such a wonderful friend to me, our daughters played together, we shopped together, had girl's night out together, etc. She was sincere and honest, or so I thought. But in the end, I think she felt like she had lost control of our friendship and didn't want to be friends anymore. It was a hard time for me, but I have learned a lot through it. But one of my dearest friends has been my 17 year old sister. We've really gotten close over the past few years. She's funny, out going, sometimes loud, brutally honest and forthright, artistic and creative. Even though we butt heads occasionally we seem to get over it quickly and I love that. She hangs out with me, helps take care of Gianna, goes places with me, does nothing with me! She's my buddy and best friend, outside of my husband. Lately I have realized just how much she's growing up and changing, she recently got her license and wants to do all of the driving now. She's really good although she's nearly given me a heart attack a few times! We yell back and forth at each other over who's right when it comes to driving! Not to long ago she went to Nicaragua for 17 days and it was the longest two weeks of my life....not texting, no hanging out, nothing. She's already talking about going back again, which I know she loves so I have to encourage it but I hate to think about her being gone again. My aunt is expecting their third baby in September and she'll be out of work until January, after that they have asked D to come live with them for a month or two and take care of the baby at home while my aunt goes back to work. D is really excited about the opportunity and I'm happy for her but at the same time I dread it. I hate the thought of her being gone all that time. To be honest, I'll be a little lonely. Besides being my sister, she's my friend. She'll be all the way in AL - 6 hours away so I won't get to see her while she's gone. And then after that she's seriously talking about moving to Charlotte with a friend who is going to have a small apartment there. She'll be able to go to school for photography there. I know she really wants to get out of this county and I'm proud she's making steps to do that but my selfish side is bitterly disappointed.
My now 21 yr old sister and I were very close growing up - we did everything together and I thought we'd be best friends all our lives. No one could have told me that we'd live in the same town, less then 15 mins from each other and I'd barely see her every couple of months. I never would have guessed she'd choose the path she is on. We rarely speak and when we do it's awkward. We don't get a long all that well and we don't seem to have anything in common. She is the complete opposite of me in every way, shape and form. And now I'm so afraid this is going to happen between D and I - that she'll move away, we'll stop keeping in touch as much and then I'll have lost not only my best friend but yet another sister as well. It nearly had me in tears yesterday thinking about it. I dread the end of the year coming now....it means things will change, end. And I don't like that. It overwhelms me and makes me feel lonely already.......

Friday, May 28, 2010

What to do next.....


So I am trying to decide what to do next - I know that I am going to keep on with Insanity, I love it and I've seem some great results but I think I need a little break. So I'm thinking about doing a week or two of some P90X work outs. I haven't done P90X in over 4 months and they did have several work outs I really liked. So just to mix it up a bit I may do that. I usually do an extra "recovery" week in between each round of Insanity so this may be my "recovery" time doing a little P90X. I'm thinking about getting Hip Hop Abs soon too, just for some fun since it's more dance driven. Also getting back to eating right. Yeah I know you may find it stupid that I'm getting back to eating super strict on Memorial Day but we don't have any big plans other then Beej will be off work and if I keep waiting for no holidays, birthdays, etc. I'll never get started. I've really just completely stopped worrying about how I was eating for the past month or so. I got lazy and bored to be honest, no excuse but that's why. But I haven't stopped working out at all - kept up with those like clockwork. So luckily, I have my metabolism up enough now that even eating like complete crap, and I mean complete crap, I've only gained a pound! Lol! I'll shake that off within the first week of eating right again. I'm ready to get this last five, well now six, pounds off before we are beach bound at the end of the summer - I don't want to be hiding behind my daughter or hubby to have pictures taken! You can always tell when people are not feeling good about themselves, they go from being in the front of the picture to hiding behind people and other things so that you can see their faces only! I don't want any more "face" pictures of myself. I realized the other day that over the past two or three years I don't have a lot of pictures of myself other then close up face shots that I was "comfortable" with. Most of them I'm peeking around Gianna's head.....So anyway, I'm back starting Monday - I'm ready to feel good again, I'm starting to feel a little self conscience again because I'm so off track. I've avoided talking to my coach for awhile because I don't want him to ask me how I'm doing! I'll be back to tracking calories and food and carrying my protein bars and fruit and cheese around with me when I go places.
Tonight Mom and I are going to a scrapbooking get together. It's not a class or anything just everyone brings all their scrapbooking stuff and we just work on our books. I haven't worked on mine since the last time we did this and that was months and months ago. So I've got to pull all my stuff out and re-organize it all. I've collected a good bit of stuff since then and I've just been stacking it up. Plus I have a lot of completed pages I didn't have a scrapbook for, now I do, so I have to get all those put into an album. I'm really excited!!! I love scrapbooking!
Plus after that we are going out to spend a very late night pricing and organizing stuff for our yardsale in the morning. I hate that part but the actual selling part I like! It's amazing what people buy - "one man's trash is another man's treasure!" So I'm going to be pooped tomorrow after it's all over with!
Well, I need to get my lazy butt up and get breakfast done so I can work out and get stuff organized before I head out to Mom's.......I laid out for about an hour yesterday and now my skin if feeling a little itchy. It's not red or burnt that I can tell but it's itchy for sure! It was SO hot laying out though, it supposedly got up to about 93 yesterday and I was literally laying there with sweat just pouring off of me. My hair was wet by the time I went inside an hour later! Whew! I think it's supposed to rain all weekend though.....boo. How I hate rain......

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Heart of Life


I am slowly learning what the true heart of life is. I think I've always known but sometimes you have to take what you know in your head and apply it to your heart. I guess I've always thought that life was about making lots of money, having tons of friends, traveling all over the world, etc. And there is nothing wrong with those things and I hope to have at least two out of those three at some point in life. I won't stop "working" towards that - having money is good if you know how to handle it correctly and traveling is wonderful! Having lots of friends, well that can be both beneficial and non-beneficial! Lol! My thoughts on friends have changed a lot of the past year. I'm learning that having some people that you can chit chat with or do something with occasionally is great. I've always been looking for that "best" friend, that "bosom buddy" so to speak. Someone that you can pour your heart out to, trust, etc. But I'm not sure, other then my spouse, that someone like that exists. Maybe they do but for the most part I'm not looking anymore. I think for too long I've been focused too much on finding that friend. Young women my own age, at least most of them I've met, are shallow and silly. Even ones that are married and have families, they are all so selfish and focused on themselves that they can't be a good friend, it's virtually impossible for them. They are so sure that everyone is out to get them that they can't just relax and be a good friend. So why should I pour my time, energy and heart into people like that? So for now I'm focusing on myself and my family. I'm bettering myself as a person, for now that includes getting involved in some scrapbooking "clubs and classes", even though the women I scrap book with are much older then I am I tend to find that they are worried about who's the prettiest or who's the most threatening, etc. It's actually kind of nice to not feel like we are competing with each other. I just go and enjoy time chillin' and enjoying some creative time. I'm also working out still, I don't think I'll ever stop doing that. I've done 2 round of P90X and 2 rounds of Insanity now! I'm so proud of myself, I never imagined I would be able to do it! But I knew once I did get started I would probably get hooked and I did! I love the feeling of sweating and pushing myself! And of course I love the results too. It makes me feel not only stronger in body but stronger mentally and emotionally too. I feel so much more confident in myself and that translates over into other things. I'm starting to think I can do things I never thought about doing. I'm considering at some point possibly getting my personal trainer's license, but that's still being considered! And now I'm getting ready to start piano lessons, I know, I keep talking about it but I can't tell you how excited I am! I guess I've always thought of music lessons being for young kids (stupid I know.) but that's just how I thought. But I feel like now I know better what it takes to push myself and work hard for something that I really want and I really want to play piano!!! Gianna is getting so big now, I can't get over the fact that she is 3 now! I'm starting to think about Pre-K now. I know most places you have to pay for it so I'm not sure yet but I want to find a good school for her to go to. It makes me nervous to think of her going to school, not because I'm scared for her - I think she'll do amazing and she'll love learning new things but I'm more nervous for me. For the past 3 years, well almost four now, I've been at home with her. I haven't worked or anything. But once she starts school I'll be looking for a job. I know I'll be fine but starting new things always makes me nervous! But I am eager to see what the future holds.....Beej is still working on his music, hoping to have another project out by the end of summer. White Umbrella Photography is going to do new photos for him soon. He also really wants to do a project for me and I'd love to but so far I don't have one song completed! I need some help with that so I think we are going to start collaborating on some song writing soon. But I'm ready to push myself and do something I've always wanted to do - record an album! People have been asking for it and expecting it from me for about 10 years now. Maybe I can finally give it to them soon!
So here's what I am finding the heart of life is for me, right now, I'm sure it will change as I change but for now it's - strengthening my relationship with God, loving my family and doing all I can for them, bettering myself and learning new things!!!! I'm happy right now, not full satisfied because there will always be bigger and better places to be in life, but for now I'm good!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

B-E-A-C-H


I'm sitting here drinking my morning "breakfast" protein shake......it's not bad - water, protein powder, 1 Tblspn. low sugar Nesquik powder (for taste.), half a banana and ice. For three days I drink that three times a day, eat a piece of fruit and then dinner is a 4 oz. chicken and lettuce. The last time I did it I think I lost a pound or two plus I just felt better after it. I wasn't bloated or had that "full" feeling. Tomorrow is my Day 60 for my second round of Insanity. I haven't stuck with the diet this time. I've tried to eat healthy for the most part but that's been about 70% of time with this round. I just got lazy to be honest but I've seen how it's effected my work outs and my overall results too. I haven't gained really but I have lost or defined any more either. So with this third round I'm getting ready to start I've decided to really buckle down again and stick to the diet 100% again and try to get this last 5-10lbs off. I'll be able to do almost two more full rounds before mid to late September. I plan to be completely beach ready by then, hopefully a tan too! Lol! If we can ever get the pool fixed out at my parents we'll be good to go.....
Some of you might find this hard to believe but since Beej and I have been together we have NEVER been to the beach together. Sad, I know! It's just never worked out really. 6 months or so after Gianna was born we went to Tybee Island with my aunt and uncle and their baby but we didn't spend any time of the "beach" really. Usually our vacations are to places where we have family so that we can visit and enjoy ourselves at the same time so we usually head to Bama or GA. But this year we decided it was time we took a real family vacation. Gianna's at the age now where she can really enjoy it and have fun. She's not as much "work" now really - we don't have to take as much, she sleeps on her own, she's more self reliant so to speak. I've been dying to go to the beach for the past year or so and so we decided to combine our family trip and our 5 year anniversary trip together and go to the beach! I really wanted to try and go to Gulf Shores, AL. We used to go to the beach there when I was a girl and I loved it but after I started pricing stuff I realized that might not work out...besides the fact that stuff is a little more pricey there it's also a 10 hour drive. Whew. Too much for us to take on. So we've decided on Myrtle Beach and we are going to wait and go in September which is off season so things are a good bit cheaper. We are planning to stay for 3 or 4 nights and just spend tons of time on the beach and hanging out with each other! I've been looking at condos on the beach and there are so many to choose from! Gianna is going to LOVE all the water and sand. She's been talking about building sand castles for quite a while now. She saw it on the Wiggles or somewhere and now she's totally ready for it. I'm going to have to buy her a ton of beach toys and I think she'll be entertained for hours! I'm planning on getting some serious sun and reading a good bit while laying out on the beach, collecting shells with my girl, taking some pictures and just enjoy being with my two favorite people on a vacation ALL to ourselves, no pressures and no schedules! I'm SO excited I can't hardly stand it.....it's going to be a good summer full of (hopefully) lots of pool days and some serious scrap booking not to mention starting piano lessons, which I'm thrilled about it! I'm excited about celebrating 5 years of marriage to my best friend and love of my life, and "celebrating" my 24 years here on earth too. So many wonderful events coming up! I'm pretty darn happy to say the least!!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

??????

What is it that makes a person's mind give in to compulsive behaviors? What snaps or switches on or whatever happens? Why is it that some people's compulsive behaviors grow over time and others are just that way from the beginning? I watch a lot of those shows about OCD behaviors like hoarding or washing your hands four hundred times a day or saving you nose hair clippings and weird crap like that! It interests me and disgusts me and overwhelms me all at once. I don't understand what it is in a persons mind that can't tell them that's stupid. It's weird watching people mentally and emotionally break down when someone tries to throw away rotting garbage and stuff like that. But then you can swing to the other end too - always throwing everything away, always clean the counters, etc. We probably all do something that could be considered compulsive in some way or another.
What is it that makes people compulsively push other people away yet all they can talk about is how lonely they are or that no one wants anything to do with them? You just want to shake them and yell "Are you serious?!" But it's like it doesn't compute in their heads. I'm not a patient person and dealing with someone like this, who in other ways seems so smart and put together, overwhelms me. I honestly can't do it. I either end up blowing up in their faces or I just have to walk away and keep my mouth shut. And I'm not sure which is the best. Somewhere in the middle I guess! I've watched this particular person push away everyone that truly loves her. She has turned to animals for companionship because they never contradict her, they are always there for her. And the joy and companionship she feels she gets from these animals out weighs what she feels are worthless people. But that includes her family I'm afraid. It seems so stupid to us yet I truly believe in her mind it's all rational. She truly believes everyone is out to get her and make her life miserable. She wants to be in control all the time yet this results in her losing control of everything. And in the end being in control doesn't make her happy anyway. It's hard to watch something like this especially if you care for that person. You just want them to see how silly they are being. And all the wonderful things they are missing out on - events in important peoples lives that she is shunning because she can't handle saying she's wrong. She refuses to believe she's wrong, she compulsively believes she is the victim, that everyone is out to get her and hurt her.
It's so hard to watch someone like that - they refuse help, they refuse to believe they need help. In their mind everyone else is wrong and always will be. It doesn't register in their minds that EVERYONE has the same problem with them - instead they just see that all people are alike and they all have the same problem. It's overwhelming because no matter what you do there isn't a way you can get through to them. You hate to walk away and leave them the way they are but at the same time staying is needlessly punishing yourself.
I feel like right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.....but I keep trying to remember that I have to keep the sanity I still possess. Sometimes being around someone who doesn't have their sanity can cause you to lose yours.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Travel Day!


We are headed out on the road today! We love to travel and we don't get to do it quite as much as we'd like so we make the most of every travel opportunity we get. We always try to mix in a little "business with pleasure" so to speak. This time we are going to Savannah, GA for Beej's niece's graduation and then of course just to relax and enjoy time with family as well. We are traveling down with Beej's dad today - his car has more room although I hate the thought of spending 6 hours in the back seat. But that does help me entertain Gianna little more. Since aren't leaving til after lunch I'm hoping she's pass out not long after we get started. I have promised her chocolate milk at the first gas station stop! She's been asking for it for days and I haven't made it to the grocery store to get any. She wanted chocolate milk with her leftover pizza this morning for breakfast - when it comes to breakfast she's just like her daddy, it's either no breakfast or lunch food for breakfast!!!! I'm very blessed though that Gianna has always been a great traveler. Even during potty training things usually went very well. She's got the potty training down now so I don't expect any problems there. She does get restless towards then end of the trip because she's a very active child. She hates to sit still for long. But she loves going to see her Aunt Candi, Uncle Peaches, Magyn (who she keeps reminding me is 17! Too cute!) and Reilly (their dog who adores Gi!). They always make a big fuss over her so she loves it.
I can't believe Magyn is graduating already! It so scary, most of the time I feel like I just graduated and then all these "little kids" are graduation now and I realize I'm getting old. And it sucks! Lol! I recently sang at the HARC (Home School) graduation ceremony and one of the girls I've known since she was like 5 or 6 and suddenly she's 17 and graduating. And my little sister will be graduation next year....it's almost too overwhelming. I realize all too soon Gianna will be graduating too and that freaks me out big time. Not that I don't want her to, unlike most mothers I'm eager to watch my child grow up, change and move forward in life. That's not what bothers me, it's me getting old that bothers me. I almost have a phobia of getting older and I'm not kidding. I can't think about it or fears literally grips my heart.......*sigh* Ok, enough of that!
I'm at a good place in life right now - I don't want to be here forever but I'm discovering myself again. I watch so many mom's become obsessed with their children and it all seems sweet and good until that child tries to grow up and "leave" and then the mom's have meltdowns, go into depressions and completely can't function. I want to make sure that I keep myself aware of "me" so that when it is time for Gianna to start doing more on her own I'm not at a complete loss suddenly trying to figure out who I am. I'm more then just a mom and wife and I say that over and over again but it's true. I'm not just Beej's wife or Gianna's mom, I'm Alaythea. And there is a lot to me as a person and I'm trying to build that so that it's not forgotten! I'm so excited about furthering my musical abilities soon. I want to start writing again - I've started. My "idea" book is slowly filling up. I've asked Beej to start helping me write some stuff but he's staying pretty busy with work, the gym now (I'm SO proud of him for working out so hard, he's lookin' even better now!!!), spending time with Gi and I when he can and also trying to keep up his musical endeavors. We are always on the go and I love that! I wouldn't like to just be at home 24/7.
But enough of all that......I've got packing to do and a work out to kick butt with! I did two work out's yesterday because I'll miss working out tomorrow morning. Plus we had pizza last night and I had to "atone" for that!!! Lol! I think I'm going to do another cleanse when we get back from this weekend - I like the way I felt after it and I lost a few more pounds doing it too. Just gotta go pick up more protein mix and maybe some Muscle Milk - with a little banana and ice that stuff isn't bad! For now it's oatmeal - I swear I'm not far from actually seeing abs soon!!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Too much Iron!


We went and saw Iron Man 2 last night. It wasn't my first choice really. I am still dying to see Robin Hood but since it was a week night we needed something a little earlier then they were showing Robin Hood so Beej wanted to see Iron Man 2 so I agreed. It wasn't horrible, interesting on some levels but overall about what I expected. As much as I love Robert Downey Jr. and I do think he makes a perfect Tony Stark - his cockiness gets on my nerves through out the movie. The lack of romance between him and Pepper yet again was annoying and Scarlett Johansson's character was strictly for the men's entertainment. She was over done and really pointless! All in all I give it a 6 out of 10 and most of those points are because it's just fun to watch how gorgeous RDJ is on screen! And of course Gwyneth Paltrow is adorable as always!
But aside from that it was nice to have an unexpected date out with my hubby last night. He called me mid afternoon to ask me if I wanted to go! So Gianna spent the night with my family, I love that they are there when ever I need practically. And they are always so quick to take Gianna and give me and Beej a break. I know Gianna has a great time when she's out there and I don't have to worry about her at all! It's kinda odd getting up and her not being here though.....I'm so used my routine including her! But sometimes it's nice to break the routine. But of course I'm not breaking it that much.....getting ready to work out! Today is my "recovery" day so my work out is a little different. Just as hard but a little less cardio. More Yoga style strength training. Eating a lot of oatmeal today, basically that's all I'm adding to this "cleanse" diet I've been doing. I ate some carbs last night at dinner but other then that it's been basically carb less and sugar less. I'm pretty sure I've lost a couple of pounds which is nice. My jeans felt much looser in the thigh and hip area when I put them on last night! I may try it again soon - it wasn't that bad. The second day I had to add a little extra fruit because I was so hungry. But other then that it was surprisingly easier then I thought!
Spent most of yesterday out at Mom and Dad's mowing....I don't necessarily like mowing but it burns more calories is how I see it! Anything for a few extra. I used the mower that doesn't propel itself so it's all my pushing it up and down the hill that is my parent's yard! You don't realize how big or how steep their yard is until you are pushing a mower around it. I was sweating like crazy and my legs and hands are so sore. You don't realize how hard you are pushing against a metal bar until the palms of your hands start feeling bruised. Ouch!
We aren't leaving for GA until around lunch time tomorrow so I'll have time to work out and get everything packed up. Going to do a little of it this evening but I mainly plan to spend the day out in the sunshine! It's going to be sunny and 75 all day so I plan to lay out for about 4 hours! I think I'm going to go pick Gianna up a little kiddie pool for her to play in - I know she'll love it! She enjoys water so much so until Dad gets their pool fixed she'll have to make do with a little pool! But I'm excited to get some sun and just relax for a bit. Going to give all the boys a hair cut and then just chill!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What I don't understand....


I don't understand how anyone can truly not believe in God. I struggle to understand that concept. To understand how they could doubt. Even at my lowest I've never thought there wasn't a God, thought maybe for the moment He wasn't listening but never that He wasn't there at all. I can't imagine being able to walk out the door each day not trembling in fear if I didn't know He was taking care of me, watching out for me, guiding my steps and ultimately, if something did happen, that I would be spending eternity with by His side. The very idea of this leaves a sinking feeling in my chest. When I hear someone say that they don't believe the idea is almost not fathomable to me....where do you think love comes from? Or where do you think your children have been given to you from? Where do you think the world and creation came from? Where do you think you came from? To not believe in God is to not believe in yourself - we are made in the image of God so if we don't believe in Him then what are we?
No one needs religion, I totally agree with that. Religion is stuck up and biased. Religion looks down its nose at those who aren't religious. It is caught up in rituals and traditions. Jesus is not a religion. He is salvation, He is life, He is grace, He is love. Those who misrepresent who He is should be ashamed and will be accountable for their actions. But just because what someone "sees" from religious people turns them away doesn't mean that is who Jesus is. So many people never find out for the themselves. They take others word or what they see as "fact" and turn their backs on the greatest gift they'll ever receive. It literally scares me to think that they are willing to trust their future to nothing. I would much rather believe in God and have some security for the future then to believe in nothing. People try to separate God from reality but God is reality. He is what I base my life on every day.....He is my sanity! I see people's lives that claim they are better off without Him but most people say that when things are going well. When things are going bad they want to blame God. If you truly believe in yourself that much then you are setting yourself up for failure, because every human is well, human. You are bound to fall, mess up, fail and let yourself down. God never does that. I wish for each and every person to have a true relationship with God, to know His love and grace and the peace that comes with trusting Him with everything. He isn't a figment of someone's imagination. He is truth and reality. I dread to think of the day they have to stand before Him and say "Well, you just weren't the reality I wanted!" and then He has to turn them away with much sorrow because He loves each of us with an incredible love deeper then they love of any man we've ever known. I hope and pray that each and every person knows Him like I know Him!

Drowning.


Let me explain a little first - I grew up in a home where alcohol was consider bad. Period. No questions. You didn't touch alcohol. It was the same as drugs. You also have to understand I grew up next door (practically) to a home for men with drug and alcohol problems. This is all I knew of alcohol - I knew that it messed up lives in a serious way, it destroyed families, ruined marriages and left men in a heaping mess. To my little mind it was pure poison.
Once I grew up some I still couldn't see alcohol as anything else. I didn't understand the pull or fascination it had to people. Couldn't they see what it would do to them in the end? I didn't have a lot or really an experience with people around me drinking until I went to Cosmetology school. I never went out with any one to drink or party, ever. But I'd watch all these grown women with boyfriends, husbands and kids come dragging in on Tuesday mornings (that was our Monday!) hung over and ill because they had been drinking all weekend. Again, it puzzled me.
After we moved I found out that my parents had started having an occasional glass of wine. I was shocked! To me this was almost the same as hearing they had started smoking pot occasionally! Yeah, it seems silly to me now but at the time I didn't know what to think. My father had to explain to me his reasoning behind it - for him and my mother is mainly medicinal. Red wine is good for your heart, IN MODERATION! Heart problems run in both sides of my family and so through a friend of theirs who is into natural health they had started doing this. He also explained to me that the Bible never prohibits drinking alcohol, obviously they drank wine in Bible times but what it does prohibit is getting DRUNK. Full blown, out of your mind, can't remember what you did - drunk. Over and over I see "friends" of mine post pictures of them drunk, falling off the toilet, hurting themselves because they can't stand up straight or walk, etc. And I don't understand why this is something to be proud of. I've since changed my outlook on alcohol but not on drinking. To me drinking is drinking enough and with the intent of getting drunk. Having a drink is something totally different. I've occasionally ordered a drink, not often though, I don't think it's worth the money! But we do have a couple of alcoholic drinks in our fridge right now, I won't lie. We don't abstain completely from alcohol but we never have had more then one drink at any given time. We don't want to push limits to see when we get tipsy or close to drunk or how many we can handle before we are close.
But someone said the other day to me that people who drink or who go out to drink are usually looking for something to fill a void. Even if they don't realize it - they may go because they think it's "fun" or "cool" but any reason probably has a hidden meaning behind it - they want to be excepted, they want to feel loved, or the certain of attention or a common bond between someone. They need the attention and the temporary bond they feel with other drinkers. Or they are so miserable in their own day to day lives that they live the whole week looking forward to getting plastered so that they can forget who they are and what they are. They announce it like it's really a proud feat - "Getting DRUNK this weekend!" or "I'm so drunk I can't even walk straight! Hehe!" It doesn't make me laugh or even smile, it makes me feel sorry for them. It makes me wish there was some way I could show them that what they are missing a relationship, a TRUE relationship with God. The void they are trying to fill - all the voids - can be filled by one thing and one thing alone. But most of these people know that - they've had it before but they've allowed issues, circumstances and unforeseen catastrophe's destroy their trust in Him and they've turned to drowning their sorrows instead. And it saddens me deeply. I wish they could see how lonely, empty and foolish they look from this side.....
Don't take this as I'm judging, I'm not. I now we all have things we turn to for comfort - things other then God. I'm still learning daily to do that but I still don't know that my relationship with God has ever lacked to the point that I just wanted to forget everything. And I hope it never, ever gets there. If anything seeing situations like this reminds me to cling even tighter to God, knowing that my life isn't worth living without Him to lead and guide and fill it.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Here, There and Everywhere.

Yesterday was a good day - I stayed home all day, never even went outside. It rained and rainy days always make me want to stay inside anyway so it all worked out well. I got everything accomplished that I wanted to, mainly laundry and cleaning the floors. I didn't get my scrapbook stuff organized and that's because by the time I did three loads of laundry, cleaned three floors, vacuumed and made Gianna's bed up I was beat. I started my "cleanse" yesterday too, and all morning I felt great but by like 3 o'clock it was hitting me that all I had all day was protein shakes and a piece of fruit. I didn't feel bad just sorta tired. So today is the second day and this time I'm adding half a cup of fruit to each of my three shakes. Dinner was amazing last night since it's the only "real" food I can eat, a 4 oz. piece of chicken and lettuce with a small amount of low fat dressing. I never thought that would excite me as much as it did last night! But the goal of this cleanse is mainly to just get me back in healthy mode - I've fallen off track a lot with the eating part, I seem to have the working out down pretty good. But I've felt horrible eating sugar and greasy foods all last week. So this was to just purge my system so to speak and help me zap my body back. This cleanse is supposed to help you not feel as bloated and to help you drop a few pounds - which I think I may have put on a couple of pounds but since I don't have scales I don't know. I just go by how I feel and look in my clothes. Some of it is mental I know but some of it is for real!
I have Plyo this morning (jump training), it's my least favorite work out. I'm actually dreading it to be honest. I know I'll feel great once it's done but actually pressing the play button this morning is really making me feel blah. The weather outside isn't helping. Looks like another blah day. My plan was to stay home most of the day today too but that may change! I think Gianna has the go-go mentality, she seemed puzzled as to why we didn't go anywhere yesterday. In fact, by like 8pm last night she was begging to go to Wal-Mart!!!! I found that quite amusing!
My computer is on the fritz again - it seems to have the same virus it had last time it did this. I'm kinda bummed. I've worked really hard to try and keep the hard drive clean - last time we installed anti-virus software and I run it frequently to keep everything up to date. But yesterday I decided to download iTunes.....and a couple of hours later I had this virus. I didn't go to any new websites or anything yesterday and I'm not saying for sure it was iTunes but that was quite the coincidence. So once again I'm back on Beej's computer, which isn't bad but I just like having my own computer.....anyway, I don't know how we'll fix it. Last time Beej had to wipe the whole hard drive clean so who knows.
We are headed to Savannah this weekend - I'm not looking forward to the 5 1/2 hours in the car because Gianna won't enjoy it but overall she's a good traveler. She just likes to get out and go. She's got potty training down now so that will be a little easier then it was last time we went down there......but it still requires more stops then normal. We are staying in a hotel this time, I'm looking forward to it! I love staying at hotels. And this one has a pool so I plan to spend some time out there Fri and Sat. I know Gianna will love it too. Mom and Dad's pool still isn't fixed so we haven't had the pleasure of doing any swimming yet this year. Still keeping our fingers crossed that it'll be fixed soon! But we are going down for Beej's niece's graduation. I can't believe she's graduating, so crazy! We are excited to be able to go down and celebrate this HUGE milestone with her and everyone else. And getting away, even for the weekend, is fun!
Still trying to get a new dental appt. for Gianna. I called a Pediatric Dentist in Hendersonville but they don't take her insurance anymore so they directed me to someone else - I've left messages but no one has returned my calls yet. I'm kinda getting ticked now. Gotta call them again today. I'm sure it'll be a month or more before they can get us in so I'd like to get the appt. set as soon as possible. I keep watching Gianna's tooth and I can't tell if it's getting worse or not. I don't know if it's decaying down into the gum or what. It's got me really worried. I just want to get it taken care of ASAP. But I dread taking her to another dentist especially after our last experience. Lord!
Beej joined the gym a few weeks ago, I've been so proud of him working out after work and sometimes even before work. I love seeing him commit to things, it's always inspired me. I know he's feeling great about going - and he feeds off the other guys that work out there too. Girls tend to not do that as much but guys like to see other guys that are bigger or better and it inspires them to work out harder. It just makes me feel like I'll never be there so it discourages me most of them time! I just have to focus on being good for me......I just don't want Beej and I to get for the moment. I want this to be a lifetime thing. I see so many people work really hard for a bit, get to a good place and then totally let it go and end up being worse off then before they started. I can't imagine letting all my hard work go completely to waste. Yeah, I mess up, quite a bit but I always get back at it. Don't get me wrong, it's alot of hard work but it's so worth it to get up and feel great about yourself everyday. To go shopping and not feel like crap trying on stuff, or to look in the mirror and be pleased with what you see or to just walk into a room and not feel like people are looking at you because you are overweight. Yeah, I probably over think stuff way too much but that's how I have felt in the past!
Ok, enough ranting on about useless stuff. I am planning to write a blog soon about another subject I feel pretty strongly about - I posted the blog about adultery because I feel it's time I stood up for how I see stuff. I tend to just keep it to myself so that I don't offend people but I don't think that's how I'm supposed to live. I can stand up for what I believe and still love those who are sinning. I sometimes I don't know where to put that line, in between standing up for what's right but not putting my stamp of approval on it. It's a tough line for sure....but that's for another day!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Black and White's


I have been contemplating learning piano for awhile now....as much as I love guitar I would like to be able to play both. Plus I need some serious refresher courses in guitar anyway. I'm pretty rusty with it. But anyway, my brother and sister have been taking lessons for awhile and I've been really impressed with how well they've learned - and that's usually the sign of a good teacher! So I thought I would try it out. Better later then never! I need something new to inspire me musically anyway. I love piano, love the way it sounds and would love to be able to write songs on piano too....So as of June I'll be starting piano lessons! I am so, so excited! I'm ready to learn and I feel like now as an adult I know the discipline and practice it requires a little more then I did as a care free teenager. I didn't appreciate it as much then as I think I will now. Especially since I'll be paying for my own lessons this time too - it's amazing how much more important something seems when you are paying for it yourself! I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to learn something new. I don't want to get stuck in my ways and never learn anything new. I do love music and I want to get back into it but I'm learning quickly that you have to be talented in many different facets in order to make something of yourself now. There are SO many uber talented people out there. But some of my favorite artists not only write and sing but also play multiple instruments. I'd like to have the basics, guitar and piano, under my belt!
So here's to learning new things and the excitement they hold!!!!

A Time To Celebrate


May is a crazy month for us normally, but you add in extra activities and events and it's a HUGE ordeal! Especially when it seems everything happens within the same week. I haven't had a lot of time to blog lately. Leaving fairly early in the morning after I get a work out and shower in and then not getting home until late at night and heading straight to bed.
Sunday we had Mother's Day and I've already told you all about that - it was quite a good day actually.
Monday was my little brother, Kenneth's, birthday. He turned 14, we all just have him money towards an iPod Touch which he has ordered and is eagerly awaiting! He went with some friends to play Laser Tag that day and then we celebrated that night with a huge cookie and ice cream.
Tuesday-Thursday I spent pretty much every day out at Mom's house working on various projects for her and daddy. She took on the local Home School organization graduation and had the bulk of everything to do so I helped her out a lot all week getting things ready for that. Plus doing the usual stuff I help my dad out with. Gianna's enjoyed hanging out there because they have a huge porch and yard to play in, so she's gotten lots of outdoor time in this week.
Gianna spent the night out at Mom's house Thurs. night so she could stay with Dad Fri morning while we girls went to decorate and set up for this graduation......Beej was going to work half a day that morning but got up and the Jeep wouldn't start. We had driven all the day before and it hadn't seemed like anything was wrong. We thought maybe it was out of gas (although it wasn't supposed to be!), then we thought maybe it was the starter or even the fuel injection pump. It wasn't gas so we had it towed to our local mechanic. They thought maybe the micro chip in Beej's key was bad so they tried mine and that wasn't it either. It didn't seem to be any of the other problems we thought either. They finally figured out it was the starter chip that connects with the chips in our keys to crank it, it had gone bad. So that was NOT cheap to fix at all. But it's done, thankfully we had the money and that's it.
After all that, and setting up for graduation, we went back to Mom's for a few hours to get dressed and head back to the church to start cooking for the graduation. I was singing two songs, and it was my first kinda big thing I've sang for in years! I didn't realize how out of practice I was! There was almost 200 people there and we were pretty pleased with the turn out. It all went really well, there were 4 graduates and the reception went off great too. Tons of yummy (and fattening!) foods.
Yesterday was Matthew's 10th birthday, he got a hamster for his birthday. A little white one that resembles a fat mouse! Lol! He named it Yetty. Don't ask me why but it's a cute name. Beej and I went to dinner with some friends that evening and then went by Beej's mom's house to see the new kittens. The litter I think I'm getting a kitten from was born a few days ago so I wanted to take a peek at them. There are three adorable ones to choose from, but I'll wait and choose once they are older and you can see the personalities more. But I'm excited, I know Gianna is going to be SO thrilled when we finally get it. She's been enthralled with Matthew's hamster....but that's going to happen because I hate hamsters and won't get near them!!!
Finally made it to bed around midnight later night and I'm back up at 6:45am to work out and shower before heading to church this morning. Then we are back out to Mom and Dad's to celebrate Mom's birthday today! Whew. I'm about partied out now! Hamburger steak and cheese cake is on the menu today. Tomorrow I've already decide that I'm staying home for three days straight and doing a cleanse. I need to clear my system of all this sugar I've eaten this past week and get myself back on track and on my normal schedule. We are headed to Savannah, GA on Friday and we'll be there until Sunday. I don't want to go feeling like crap!!!
So that's been my uber busy week. Hopefully next week we can slow down and get back into the swing of things......

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Feeling Strongly


I have been rolling this subject around in my head for awhile. Well, not just my head but my heart as well. Trying to figure out if I should say anything on my blog or just leave it be. But I don't think leaving it be is necessarily the right thing to do. And maybe saying something is wrong, who knows. But I don't feel like I should have to keep something I feel strongly against to myself. We are open about other wrong things like abortion, rape, murder, etc. And yes, these are all strong crimes but they are also sins. And sin has no ranking in God's eyes. Or so I believe. I believe He sees all sin as just that....sin. Right now I know a couple of different women who are living with men who are not their husbands. One is much closer to me then the other but I know both of them well enough to know that they KNOW right and wrong. They've been taught, they've lived it at some point in their own lives. And it saddens me to see how they've slowly gotten away from what they so strongly believed at some point in their lives. We all sin, I'm not stupid. I know the things I say sometimes, the things I think, even the things I do are wrong. But I continually try to change my ways and live a life I feel is pleasing to God. And there are certain things that are just very, point blank labeled as sin in the Bible. Adultery being one of them. Living and sleeping with a man that you have not made a marital commitment to before God and man is wrong. Period. Living in this sin day in and day out would terrify me. Because I believe that living in deliberate sin and knowing it's a sin mean that your relationship with God has ceased to exist. It's one thing to commit a sin and repent and turn from it. It's another thing to willfully live in it. I've heard people who live together claim that they aren't sleeping together but you can't tell me that a couple who are in love can resist that temptation. I'm sorry, it doesn't happen! It really surprises me that people want to set that kind of example for their children. It's one thing to do it behind people's backs (although that's still just as wrong.) but it's another thing to show that to your children as Ok. Would you truly be Ok with your child living and sleeping with someone that they aren't truly committed to? Yet in our day in age it's ok, no big deal. People say "it just works for us". I don't understand why people want to blend their lives but not just take the actual plunge. I wanted to live with Beej and share my life with him so guess what? We got married! Lol! I know, so old fashion huh?! People "set" dates and then push them back, change them, use excuses to get out of them. They want to wait til they have the money for a "real" wedding, or wait til they can buy a house. Beej and I couldn't afford a wedding so we went to the Justice of the Peace. It sealed the deal just the same as a big wedding. Would a wedding have been nice? Of course it would have, it's a special day but we weren't willing to wait for that. We loved each other and wanted the benefits of being husband and wife. But I think most people want all the benefits without actually paying the price so to speak. It saddens me, it truly does. I am concerned for these women. That they have settled for something less then perfect. That they don't value themselves enough to make a true commitment. That they are willing to cheapen themselves by sleeping with someone other then their husband. It's sad that marriage is no longer valued. Everyone expects to be treated as a family or a couple but I can't do that when you can even take the step and make a legal and spiritual bond to each other. If you are with someone you can't even marry then maybe you shouldn't be with them. Hmmm? This is something I feel strongly about....and I'm not going to be quiet about it just because it isn't popular to think this way. Just like I think stealing, aborting babies, killing people, etc. is wrong so is adultery. And I didn't just make up this opinion, I'm pretty sure it was God's idea in the first place. So why does it suddenly go from being wrong to right or OK in some people's eyes? Perhaps I'll never know.

A Mole Hill into a Mountain


I have recently dealt with several situations where I have to to take a step back and really almost just laugh! They are so out of hand, so ridiculous that I can't help it. Some have involved me directly but the latest one hasn't really involved me directly but indirectly. I've kinda been drug into the middle of it and I'm almost at a loss how to deal with both sides. Both people are dear to me but neither of them are right and they want me to side with them. I've done the best I can to speak my peace in a quiet manner and then just step out. So far I think it's worked but neither of them want to make peace between them which is where the real problem lies. It's funny and yet sad at the same time to see them throwing blame back and forth. And there is right and wrong on both sides. Some of it I understand and some of it is just pitiful and stupid. But what it boils down to is that both sides have habit of making mole hills into mountains so to speak. They harp on things until they are much much bigger then they needed to be or even started out as. Don't get me wrong, I think we can all do this to an extent. I know I've done it before. But it's not even really that situation, most of the time the root is much deeper and it's simply being fed by the festering problem. But in this case both sides are too stubborn and self absorbed to really take care of the issue one on one or face to face. Because neither will admit wrong, it will simply be a blame match. And it saddens me......I see all the things that are being missed out on and all the things that hopefully one day they will regret they missed with each other. As much as my family can drive nuts sometimes, and individuals can drive me to my wits end I don't ever want to keep it going, to end up turning it into something much bigger then it needed to be. I've found that not speaking and letting something just rest can really take the air out of it and you can see how big it truly is. Unless you keep running your mouth and then it keeps filling with useless, hot air until you can't even figure out how it got started in the first place. I've realized that family is WAY too important for me to let my petty ideas and attitudes get in the way. Even if I am right, just let it go and walk away with the knowledge that you are right and leave it be. Because trying to prove you are right only makes you look wrong. It's crazy to see that immature, petty behavior doesn't change much as you get older. I've seen so many immature grown ups lately that I'm almost scared to become one! I mean, at least people still use that "she's young" excuse for me sometimes! Lol! I agree, there is a lot I'm still learning, I don't handle everything right but I do honestly try. I don't want Gianna growing up amongst family riff's and tiff's. It angers me that people are so shallow as to put that kind of pressure on others. I hope and pray that I never get to the point with any of my family that I can't put aside my pride and be apart of their lives. No matter how wrong they are or how right I may feel, nothing is worth losing your family over. And it's funny what a big deal people make about NOT making something a big deal! They harp on how they've "let it go" , yet they haven't. They hold on to it and talk about it and think about it and in the end they are just as bitter and hard as the person they dislike. I have realized slowly that people that you harp on a lot or have a hard time dealing with but don't want to truly let go of are probably a lot like you. Shunning them completely is almost like shunning yourself. Even though you don't want to admit it the things that drive you crazy a lot of times are things you probably deal with in yourself. I tend to be critical of people, I don't mean to be I just am, I have to watch myself a lot but I hate it when others are critical of people.....I am trying, and not always succeeding, in holding my tongue when it comes to being critical. When I despise a characteristic in someone I have to take a look at myself and make sure I'm not struggling with the same issue. Sometimes I am, but not always. Sometimes there is just truly an issue that has to be dealt with.......
And so my dear blog readers, watch that you don't allow little issues to overwhelm and take over your life. Watch that you don't despise in others what they despise in you. Watch that you don't allow bitterness and regret to take over your life. Be quick to TRULY let go......

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What a Wonderful Day!

My awesome, new jean jacket! I've been needing and wanting one for awhile now and now I have it!

My beautiful new purse! I absolutely LOVE it!!!

My new wallet - isn't that the coolest?! I love the green.
My new plant, hopefully I can keep it alive but the pot is so, so cute!!!


So I haven't had the chance to really sit down and tell everyone about my Mother's Day. It was wonderful to say the least. We had so much fun out and about all day long. My WHOLE family was together, which is rare lately. It seems one of us is always missing - but even my sister Charity went a long and we don't get to see her much so it was nice to have her around. We went to Asheville, skipped church because we wanted to get to the restaurant a little early since we knew it would be super crowded. We all ate lunch at Asiana, one of our favorite Chinese place! Exchanged gifts there too - we got Mom new potholders, a new coffee maker, a book, a necklace and a Willow Tree Angel called "Angel in the Kitchen". I got it because it's holding a teapot and my mother is obsessed with tea right now! I received a beautiful potted plant, the decorative frog is just too cute. I don't know how well I'll be at keeping the actual plant alive but I love the way it looks. So fresh and springy! I also got a new wallet, which I've been wanting forever! And a gift certificate to It's All In The Bag in Forest City to pick out a new purse. I have black purses, red purses, pink purses but no neutral/brown purses so I had seen one there I loved and so I was so excited to go get it. Went this morning and it was gone! I didn't have time to really look around a lot so I decided to come back later when I could decide on something else. Nothing really caught my eye like that purse had so I was a little bummed. But I went back later today and she asked me what I was looking for, I described the purse to her and she said hang on a minute, I have something like that in the back. She went and got it and it was the purse I wanted!!!! I was so happy!!! I also got a new jean jacket, I've had the one I usually wear for 6 or 7 years now and although jean jackets are timeless this one was starting to look a little out of date. So I got a new one and it's perfect. Not to mention my hair cut so I'm one happy mother this Mother's Day!!!
Anyway, after lunch we went a did a little shopping while the guys browsed Best Buy for music and gadgets and played some Beatles Rock Band! After that we headed to downtown Asheville, it was a little chilly that day but sunny so it was pretty nice to walk around.....we visited various little shops and picked up a few goodies. Mom found a tea and spice shop that she really liked. Tons of jewelry stores and trinket shops. Of course we can't go to Asheville and not visit a Starbucks so we chilled out and "put up our feet" while eating too many sugary treats! I had a blue berry muffin that was quite scrumptous!
We decided not to call it a day after that - instead we headed to Mom's house and had burgers and home made fries for dinner. Since it was so chilly out that night we decided to build a bonfire and makes smores! I love Smores, ever since I was a kid. They have such great memories that go along with them from all our different camping trips as a family. We really had a great time just laughing, cutting up and enjoying each others company. All in all a very great day with family!
On top of it all we have lots of birthday's to celebrate too - my brother turned 14 the day after Mother's Day so we celebrated Monday too. My other little brother will turn 10 on Sat. and then mom's birthday is this coming Sunday. A graduation in the midst of all that too. So a very busy week for all of us. But I wouldn't have it any other way, I like to keep busy and moving!

Monday, May 10, 2010

A Few Photos From Mother's Day

Me and my sweet pea - isn't she adorable?!!!
My little family! We had such a great Mother's Day together.
The whole gang, well, minus Daddy who was taking the picture!
This one has Daddy in it!
My hunny and I! I love him so much!
My mom and I! Happy Mother's Day to a wonderful woman!
Walking around the Grove Arcade in Asheville, NC
Mom and Charity
Mom and her boys.....
Daddy and GiBug
Have lunch at Asiana in Asheville......

I am planning to post all about my Mother's Day soon, but I wanted to post pictures of my gifts as well and I haven't gotten one of them yet. I have to go get it tomorrow so I'm going to wait and post then. But until then I thought I would share a few pictures! It was so nice having everyone there to spend the day together........

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Another Mother's Day


So another Mother's Day is upon us. For me I often forget that Mother's Day applies to me now! For me it's still a day for my mother and it's also "birthday season". My grandfather, brothers and mom all have birthdays within a week of each other and one of them usually falls on Mother's Day. This year it's my grandfather, last year it was my brothers. So there is always a lot going on. Lots of gifts to buy and we usually meet up for lunch somewhere. This year we are skipping church and going to meet my parents in Asheville, where they are currently spending the weekend. I'm excited that all my siblings are going and of course my hubby and baby girl too. I usually get something a little more "practical" for Mother's Day - like this year it was a hair cut and some time out which I needed both of those desperately! Beej and I usually do something small for each other on Mother and Father's Day. We never go overboard - one day if Gianna chooses to do stuff for us then that's up to her but it kinda seems pointless for us to give each other stuff - it's not Valentine's Day or anything! Lol! That's just how we see it. I usually get my Mom something of course. She helps me out a lot and I appreciate it all so much. Especially all their tireless help with Gianna!
Like I said, sometimes I forget I'm a mom now. I don't "feel" like a mom most of the time. That doesn't mean I don't love my child! I'm just saying I don't feel old enough or smart enough, etc. Some days I feel more like Gianna is my little sister or just my little buddy. And I hope that feeling continues as she gets older. She is so adorable and I love her so so much.....she is getting so big now. She is so opinionated and independent. Sometimes that gets on my nerves a little bit but for the most part I love seeing her individuality shining through. I love seeing what she gets " into" or thinks is cool. She still loves little girl things of course but she's started saying things like "Justin Bieber is cute!" Lol! She told me she likes his hair! Things like that make me laugh - unlike a lot of mother's I can't wait til Gianna starts liking boys and things like that. I think it'll be fun!!! I think young "love" is so sweet and cute.

A Sonnet for My Mother

I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.
I am a mother now, and so I know
Hard work is mixed together with the fun;
You learned that when you raised me long ago.
I think of all the things you gave to me:
Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--
All these you spent on me throughout the years.
You loved me with a never-failing love
You gave me strength and sweet security,
And then you did the hardest thing of all:
You let me separate and set me free.
Every day, I try my best to be
A mother like the mom you were to me.
By Joanna Fuchs

So Happy Mother's day to all of you who are mother's. We may not all do thing same things or think the same way. We may all love our children in different ways but what it all comes down to is that day after day we do our best to raise them and love them to the best of our abilities. Thank God that we had mother's we cared about us and took the time to teach us. Hopefully one day Gianna will look back and say "I had such an incredible mom!" Not to toot my own horn but so that we can have a relationship that is closer then anything......I hope I can be an advice giver, a hand holder, a heart mender, a gift buyer, a laughing joker, a carefree friend and a quiet peace maker to my daughter as she grows up so that one day, if she decides to have children, that she has an amazing example to follow and can be above and beyond what I was as a mom to her!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Just blowing bubbles....

I tend to get overly anxious and upset about things. I let little things bother me. It's just how I am. I try not to be that way, I try to relax - clear my head. But sometimes I just can't do the mind over matter thing and make it happen. Then I get pissy and it's stupid, even I know that but some days I just want to pout! Some times my daughter can be the way, I tend to think she's more like her daddy but the older she gets the more I see myself in her and not always in the best ways. She tends to be quickly frustrated and but unlike me she doesn't give up, and that is like her daddy. Today though I was watching her blow bubbles. Her daddy let her blow them inside and she was sitting very quietly just blowing bubbles. Over and over, the same thing, yet so contentedly. I watched how even when she didn't blow it quite right she'd try again, and again. How fascinated she was at each little bubble. Even though it was the same thing over and over, each time was exciting for her. Some days simple little actions like these remind me that I'm too uptight. She finds such pleasure in such little things. Or seemingly little things. They may not mean anything to me but they mean the world to her.....I keep trying to remember that not everything is a big deal. Cares are like bubbles, they appear for a moment but then they are gone - we can't keep trying to catch them or hold on to them. But we do have to be careful not to slip in the aftermath! Gianna bubble blowing has left a slippery mess in the floor and if we aren't careful someone might slip and fall in it. It's the same with problems and worries, we can let them go or at least watch them disappear but if we aren't careful we can slip and fall in the invisible mess....
I had a great day today....I got my hair cut as my Mother's Day "gift". It was nice, I love going to a salon and having my hair done. I love getting it shampooed and cut and styled and walking out feeling like a new woman! Not to mention just getting out and having some "me" time. My sis went with me and we went to the mall after and got gifts for our mother and had lunch. All in all it was a good time out and I appreciate my husband giving me the day out! After I got home though I was a little tired (I was up at 6:40am to work out before leaving) and I let me crabbiness get the better of me. Beej made a suggestion that I copped an attitude about (yes, I still cop attitudes!) and I let it ruin a couple of hours of our evening. Time wasted. So Beej is taking a little time for himself now (he deserves it just as much as I do...) and Gianna is blowing bubbles and I'm trying to learn valuable life lessons. Some days I'm slow to learn.

" Our attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards us." - John N. Mitchell

Thursday, May 6, 2010

An Eventful Day


So I had quite an eventful day today! It started off fairly simple and normal like always - I got up, fixed Gi and I breakfast, worked out, cleaned up, picked up the house and got us ready to head to the dentist. I had already talked to Gianna, prepared her for what they would do and told her not to cry and all that. She seemed pretty good with it. I decided to swing by the bank on my way out to make a deposit. I usually get everything out and ready before I get there so that I can get in and get out quickly. I went to get my license and it wasn't in my wallet. It's ALWAYS in my wallet, I never take it out except at the bank and then I put it right back. So I searched everywhere and still couldn't find it. I was SO upset and frustrated. I have knowing I'm driving around without although I've never been pulled over - I decided to swing by the bank anyway and pulled up and the teller said, "Hey, I had this for a while....." and she held up my license to the window!!! I was so thrilled - I had finally concluded I had thrown it away accidentally last time I had cashed a check at the bank.
Made it to the dentist on time and Gianna was doing well. She started sniffling and crying a bit when they called us back but was doing Ok. She didn't want to sit in the chair alone so I sat down and put her in my lap. She opened wide and let the lady look inside still crying a bit - then the lady pulled out the pick. And it all fell apart. I guess to Gianna's little eyes it looked like a needle and she flipped out. Screaming and crying and hyperventilating. By the time the dentist actually came in to look she had locked her jaw shut and wouldn't open for anything. I was so embarrassed and frustrated. But they basically told me that yeah, it's a big cavity, all her other teeth look perfect. They think the tooth was just defective from the beginning. And that they CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!! I was so mad. I had gone through all that, waited a month for this appointment for them to tell me they couldn't do anything. For a child Gi's age they have to put them under to do xrays and fillings but the clinic they refer to won't do it unless there are multiply problems. I was like you have got to be kidding me? So I have to wait until she's got more then one tooth rotting out of her head? I'm just supposed to wait until this one just rots out? They told me to try another dentist and see if they could possibly refer me to some other clinic that would do it with just one. I am still so mad about it all.....not sure what to do next.
After that I headed over to Lowe's to pick up some new handles for the dresser I'm redoing for Gianna. The handles on it were kinda old fashion and I wanted something a little more up to date. I needed some that were 3 1/2 inches long and of course all they have in anything cute and affordable is 3 inches. The ONLY 3 1/2 inch one they had was $3 for each handle and I needed 8! So I left without the handles and figured I would deal with it later....I was still to frustrated to even think straight at that point.
Went to my parents house so sand and paint that dresser - DeeAnna was helping me. I was sanding the front side where the drawers slide in and as I pushed my hand with the sandpaper forward I hit a small piece of wood that was sticking up and felt it slide into the end of my finger and break off. It hurt so bad! I almost cried and I was slightly panicking. Ran inside and got Mom to dig it out and she had to dig. There's a nice little hole in the end of my finger - that splinter was HUGE. So nasty. But we got it finished and got two coats of paint on it, it's going to need about two coats more.
So that sums up my day pretty much! I managed to go by Wal-Mart and exchange a dress I had bought and needed a smaller size in. It's a super cute summer dress....I'm going to wear it tomorrow to get my hair cut! I'm so excited - it's been needing a trim up for a few weeks now. It hardly curls under in the back anymore, I can put it in a little pony tail right. Lol! So I'm going to get it trimmed an inch or so, leaving the sides long but trimming up the back.
D is spending the night - we are going to paint our toenails, watch some TV, eat some frozen grapes and call it night!!! Lol!

Hold my tongue....


I am still trying to learn when I need to hold my tongue and when I need to speak up. It's hard for me to decide when which is right. For the most part I hold my tongue, I don't say what's truly on my mind because I just want to keep the peace. But occasionally, if you push me far enough, I will tell you exactly what I think and why. Usually at that point I'm pretty pissed too. So you can guarantee that what I have to say isn't going to be pleasant! Over the end of this past year and the beginning of this year I had to deal with some situations where I had to decide between holding my tongue and speaking up. And I finally decided in the end to speak my mind because holding my tongue hadn't stopped the others I was dealing with from blasting me several "good ones". And it was to the point that it couldn't be ignored or passed on. It had to be dealt with. It's funny how people are so eager to dish it out but are shocked when you dish it back! I recently heard a line from a song that basically said this "Just because I'm wrong doesn't mean you're right." People assume that because you handled it wrong that it means they must have handled it right. And for the most part that's far from the truth. They probably handled it just as wrong. I've also learned this - that when you are dealing with someone who is untruthful or a back stabber they assume you are the same way. They assume that if they said what you said then it was would have "this" meaning behind it when that's not how you intended it at all. So they are convinced you meant to be ugly when you never did. And no matter how much you try to apologize or explain yourself they won't listen. They close their ears because they themselves are so deceived they can't believe that someone would actually just speak the truth to them. To me that's been THE hardest thing to deal with in friendships and relationships - people convinced you are lying no matter how truthful or open you are. That's probably what hurts the most - they can't take a compliment because they never give a truthful one themselves, they don't believe you really like them because they don't really like you but pretend to. I used to have a "friend" who would ask me when we were out shopping if something looked nice on her or if it would be cute on her and I would answer truthfully "yes" or "no". And if I said yes she NEVER got it, ever. Finally one day she told me why she thought that I was lying to her just to make her look bad!!! I was shocked! And I told her why would I do that? What does it benefit me to make you look bad in clothes? And then I realized that she had done the same to me all along - things that she thought would make me look "bad" next to her she suggested. It made her feel better about herself and so she assumed I did the same thing. She couldn't imagine that I was jealous of her because she was jealous of everyone around her. Of course, we all have something someone else wishes they had and someone else always has something we wish we had. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's time, sometimes it's motivation, sometimes it's creativity and sometimes it's as shallow as looks. People push others away because of stupid insecurities. We assume people dislike us for the same reasons we dislike ourselves and sometimes that overwhelms our ability to be a good friend. I have come to realize that some of the girls I have tried to befriend lately (and have seemingly failed....) have no all together been bad people - they've just allowed insecurities to overwhelm and take over them. To the point that they can't be sincere. And they couldn't believe that I was. I liked the girls I was friends with - we had things in common, we had some good times - sometimes I wish I had just kept a shallow friendship with them so that we could still be friends. I tried to make things "deeper" then they could go. Regardless though they had no right to do the things they ultimately did to me and I couldn't stand there and let who I am be torn down my selfishness and insecurity. No one wants it to be their fault that a relationship or friendship ends - they make up stupid reasons. They blame you for things you never said or did, they drag up small issues and make them huge. They want you to hurt as badly as they hurt. And I've been there, I've said things that I didn't truly mean just because I wanted someone to hurt just as badly as they were hurting me. It overwhelms me because I KNOW how hard I try, how sincere I try to be, how loyal I am (to a fault sometimes perhaps) and then when it comes crashing down all around me I'm shocked. I had to stop blaming myself though......if I truly know that I've done my very best to make something good out of the situation then I don't have to worry about myself. I've done my part. I recently saw one of my ex-best friends at Wal-Mart. I was behind her so she didn't see me but we were headed to the same section and I wanted so badly to show up there and to confront her. We haven't seen each other since everything went "down" between us and part of me just wanted to see how she handled it all. I wanted to say ugly things that I knew would hurt her, just like she had said some awful stuff to me but thankfully my husband was with me and he kept me from stooping to her level of things - we went the other direction and we never saw them again. Again, I am still learning when to hold my tongue and when to speak my mind and heart. Just because you don't say what needs to be said doesn't mean you've done the right thing and just because you speak doesn't make things right sometime either. But I've learned too that people who don't speak and get things off their minds and out of their hearts sometimes can't ever be truthful. They think that by pretending those feelings and ideas don't exist or by not mentioning them that they've been the bigger or better person. But in the end all it does is harbor there inside them until they can unleash it on some other undeserving person. For me, getting things out here, on my blog, in a "general" manner keeps me from saying things directly to people that might ruin my reputation or my good standing. Sometimes things just have to be said .......

"Always hold your head high, but keep your nose at a friendly level."