“To rid ourselves of our shadows - who we are - we must step into either total light or total darkness” - Jeremy Preston Johnson
“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.” - J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
I have recently been struggling with what I will term as "shadows of the heart". Not all and all out depressions but just glimpses of it. Part of me beats myself up for this because I know I have every right in the world to be happy and content. Yet, my human nature occasionally rears its ugly head and I'm left to battle it away. For awhile I felt like everything was going "my way" - I felt great and had some amazing things started and was just feeling very optimistic about life in general. And somehow I've suddenly lost that. I'm not sure where it went and I'm most certainly not sure how to get it back. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not walking around in doom and gloom or weeping or anything like that. It's more of a shadow in my heart. Something that if I think about it can totally get me down in an instant, or I can push it down deep enough that I forget it for awhile. Pin-pointing it has been a struggle for me. If I could figure out just exactly what is causing it then maybe I could fix it, ya know?
I feel like there is SO much ahead of me and my family and yet in my minds eye nothing is happening and I have zero clue how to "make it happen." And I'm trying my very best to let God work and be still and quiet enough to hear Him when He finally says "go". But I am anxious to hear that and I think in my impatience I have become overwhelmed with a heavy heart. I know so many good things are ahead and I want them to happen now. I feel like (even though I know it's not true) things, good things, are happening for everyone but us and yet I feel like we have been so steady, so faithful, so true. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God will honor that, at some point. I guess I struggle with them timing, I want to see His pleasure NOW.
I can't say my attitude hasn't reflected my human nature as of late. My poor husband has taken the brunt of it, bless his heart. I know he'll listen if I need to talk but most of the time I can't make enough sense of what's going on inside me to even talk about it. It would come out in a jumbled up mess that would simply confuse him and frustrate me even more. And on top of all these things I've been feeling lately I got some news that just kinda topped it all. Right now I can't share what it was about but it was unexpected and surprising. It hit a nerve and that nerve still feels really raw. And I battle back and forth because in some ways this news doesn't bother me and in other ways it is making me so angry. Don't laugh - I sound bi-polar or something! But I think we all go through times where we are tug-a-warring between our emotions and what we know is right and how we know God wants us to act but then feeling all those natural human emotions of bitterness, anger, jealousy, frustration, etc. That is where I am - in the midst of a shadowy tug-a-war.
I keep praying and watching for a break through but so far it hasn't come. My heart is heavy and it's hard when you can't even give a reason for it. I really do feel like God is working on me and changing me and that's never easy. I just hope that I come through with flying colors and ready for what He has before me and what He has for my family. I'm excited and nervous about it but I do feel like once I'm past this particular time in my life things will be bright and I will be all the better for it.
I thank God for my husband and his patience and love through these times in my life. Again, please don't think I'm in a depression or anything. I'm not - there are things that make me completely happy and I enjoy my life but like I said, there is a shadow on my heart right now and that's the only way I know how to describe it. I don't want to drag anyone down or make you feel sorry for me - that isn't the goal here. I just want you to know that like most normal people I have my good times, my great times, my up's and my down's and my high's and low's. I hope this encourages someone to know they aren't alone if they feel the same way. Just know that shadows change, move and leave - at some point the sun shines and the shadows are chased away!