Sunday, June 5, 2011

When I Waver....

There are days when I waver - I waver in my faith, in my belief and the strength I know God has given me and provided for me to draw from every day. I see my lack of patience and understanding and I begin to wonder how God could intrust me with any kind of vision. Am I ready for something that big or something that requires that much faith and patience? There are days when I think about the vision God has given me and it seems "easy" and I think "Of course we can do this!" but there are other days when the very thought of the task(s) God has laid on my heart seem so overwhelming I can't even let myself think about it lest my heart fail me. I wish that I didn't have a wavering heart, I wish my faith was solid and that I never, not once, doubted that God wouldn't give me more then He knows I am capable of. Even though my heart knows this sometimes my head doubts it! I feel like there are so many in's and outs', so many possibilities and so many questions to go along with it all. I like to know details about where I'm going and what I'm doing but the details are never there. I feel like I'm blinding groping around waiting for someone to tell me I'm there. I pray daily for God to grant me the faith I need to accomplish what He has placed in my heart, that He would provide the path, the means and the people we need around us to make it all happen. I pray daily that He'll show us exactly where we're supposed to go and what we're supposed to do. Neither of us feel like we are supposed to stay where we are (location wise) but at the same time we aren't sure where we wanna go exactly. Praying for wisdom and direction seems to be a constant pray on my tongue and my heart lately. I know that He has amazing plan for our lives, and I want to make sure we accomplish it and fulfill it so that we have no regrets at the end of this life. I feel like lately I have grown up and changed so much, at least mentally. It's not easy but I'm learning as I go. There are so many things you think you know when you are younger - no one can change your mind but as you grow, as you discover who you are in Christ these things and beliefs change as your heart does. I'm learning not to feel embarrassed that I "screwed up" or that I was "wrong" but instead admit that God has done a work in me instead. I am praying that God grant me the strength to stand firm in what I know He has placed in me and to continue to discover what He has for me and my family in the future. That He will guide my every step and move and that in all we say and do, in the end, all anyone can see is His stamp of approval on it! I pray that even when I waver I am quick to grasp hold of Him and pull myself upright again and keep moving forward, one step at a time.

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