I'm sorta, just a little, obsessed with babies right now. I think it's just part of life - I mean, my own "baby" isn't a baby anymore and I think it's just part of being a mom too. It's something no one understands until they've been a mom either. To have a child and to nurture it, watch it grow, watch it learn and develop into something you are so proud of and love more then life.
As a child I played with dolls of course but I remember most of the time enlisting my sister to "baby sit" them! Lol! And as a teenager I swore up and down I'd never have children. I worked in the nursery at church on special occasions simply because they paid me and as a teen I always needed money for something. Don't worry, I wasn't a bad babysitter - I was actually really good. It helped that I had 4 younger siblings that I helped take care of regularly. But I can't say I was one of those that loved working with children. And so although from the time I was like 13 I couldn't wait to be married I planned to never have a child, at all.
When I got married I can't say I was really diligent with the whole idea of birth control but at the same time I still wasn't planning children. I barely knew how to be a wife much less a mom. I still remember going out for our one year wedding anniversary - it was August and it was SO hot outside. We decided to take a trip up to this HUGE mall near us and walk around, see a movie and eat at this great cajun restaurant. I remember walking around the mall just feeling "off" and my hands and feet were feeling kinda puffy. I just figured it was because it was so hot out. Then I started feeling nauseated and ended up not eating at the place we had planned to eat. A week or so later we got take out Japanese (my favorite!) and I opened up the to go container and the smell nearly made me hurl on the spot. And at that moment I knew something wasn't right.
I took a pregnancy test in the Wal-Mart bathroom! Lol! I was so anxious I couldn't wait to get home. I bought it and ran in the bathroom. I knew I was pregnant but seeing that word pregnant show up on that test.....I swear my heart stopped for a few minutes. I told Beej over the phone because he was on a job out of town and wouldn't be home till late that night and I didn't want to wait that long. He was shocked to death I think! I was sicker then a dog for the first trimester and it was a blur of sleeping and throwing up. After that I still don't think the shock wore off. There were so many things we were still trying to get in order, still trying to figure out how married life worked and now we were throwing a kid in the mix. One we hadn't planned for at all and on top of it all we had just moved and we were still living with his parents till we could locate a place to live. It was insanity! The pregnancy, then a c-section, then a newborn, then emergency gallbladder surgery 4 weeks later, then everything....I was a mess. And I think I had post partum depression too and just had to sorta fight my way through it. So needless to say the whole first year of Gianna's life was a blur to me. I "remember" her infancy through photos really, not truly in my head.
I had my tubes tied after Gianna turned a year old. Through our insurance at the time it was free to have it done. Birth control pills made me SO sick and I just wanted to be done with it all. Gianna was a good baby but she had a lot of issues with her having some reflux issues with formula and constipation, etc. and I just felt so overwhelmed and just didn't want to do it again. Or so I thought at the time. The thought of taking care of another baby made me want to have a melt down.
But then I grew up......I changed, I started enjoying my child. I fell in love with being a mom. I found other young moms via the internet (I enjoyed a friend from around here for awhile before she became my ex-bff, but that's another story!) and then through blogging much later on. I started seeing the beauty in parenthood and the MUCH bigger picture.....
And so many of my friends and blogger buddies are having kids and my Twitter, blog and Instagram feeds are blowing up with photos over super sweet, squishy babies and my baby fever has kicked into over drive! lol! I see babies when I'm out and about and I find myself not only studying the babies but the mothers and how they are involved with their children. Watching them cuddle them, feed them, carry them......having kids is a beautiful thing!