When I first got pregnant I wanted a boy. No if's, and's or but's. I wouldn't even talk about having a girl. If someone mentioned it I would shut them down. Right away. I was absolutely convinced I was having a boy and I couldn't wait to find out at the ultrasound that I was right, it was a boy and we'd all be happy with a little Rocker Jack.
Honestly, I was scared to have a girl. At the time I got pregnant my mother and I were just barely speaking. I had made some decisions (not bad ones) that she didn't approve of and our relationship had become very strained. And I was so afraid that would happen if I had a little girl. I tend to be like my mom in a lot of ways and I was just so scared that at some point we'd fight and she'd hate me and I would be heart broken. I was afraid I wouldn't be girly enough to have a daughter, I was scared that the responsibility of explaining life would fall mostly on me because I'm the women.......you know, those ridiculous things that go through a pregnant woman's head!
I did about 20 of those "wives tales" things and about 49% said BOY and the other 51% said GIRL. But I was still sure it was a boy. I was deathly sick for the entire first trimester and every one said, "Oh, it's a girl for sure!" I ignored them. Even though I had a girl's name picked out (Eisley Tatum) I figured I'd never have to use it.
But about 3 or 4 weeks before the ultrasound to find out what we were having - I think I was about 15 weeks along - I had a dream I had a little girl and I woke up absolutely POSITIVE I was having a girl. And suddenly I was obsessed with the idea of having a girl. I couldn't wait to pierce her little ears, put big bows on her and do the nursery in pink (although I had already swore to a neutral yellow and green theme!). And suddenly, I didn't like the name we had picked for a little girl. It felt too "tom boy" to me and I wanted something oh-so-girly! So we started looking again for a name. Originally I chose Giselle. I thought it was so pretty and girly but when I tried it out on a few people every time they said "Oh, after the Victoria Secret model?" And although I think Giselle is gorgeous I didn't want my daughter to always have to answer that question. So while looking through the "G" names I stumbled upon Gianna and LOVED it! Not to mention it's the Italian form of Jane which is my grandmother's name (and she has since passed so it's even more special to me now). Next we had to decide on a middle name....I picked Elise at first but then someone we knew named their daughter that and so I scratched that. Then I picked Eden, then I heard Tiger Wood's wife's name (and Beej is a big golf/Tiger fan) and her name is Elin. I loved it! We ended up changing the spelling to Elyn because I thought it looked prettier and it means "light".
A few weeks later at our ultrasound the tech asked me what I "thought" it was. I said I KNEW it was a girl. She smiled and said, "Yep, you're having a girl!" I was so happy! And Beej was too - unlike probably most guys he was leaning more towards wanting a girl too all along.
Now I absolutely can't imagine having ever wanted a boy! And I know those of you with boys think the opposite but for me my daughter has been the most wonderful thing I could have ever imagined. And if I ever had decided on more children I would have wanted another girl for sure. I love having my sisters and I love having sweet little girls around. As I clean up fairy wands and wings in the living room, as I round up dozen of hair bow ties from the floors and counters, as I sit in my craft room making her over the top pretty bows, as she begs to wear a dress because she's "obsessed" with them......all these things make me so happy to have her! Each day as I sit in the line at school to pick her up and she comes out skipping and bobbing up and down, her cute little pigtail(s) bouncing and that pretty smile on her face I couldn't imagine having anything but her!
I love it now that she's at this wise old age of FOUR she's interacting with me on a whole new level. Picking out her own clothes, fussing with her hair, worried about her earrings, thinking boys are cute and having "best friends" at school. She loves watching A Baby Story with me - her big worry is if it's a boy or a girl and what they name it (she loves names like I do!) and she loves watching TLC's Four Weddings to see whose wedding wins and who she thinks has the prettiest gown or the best hair! I love it!
So as I put on her tights, fix her hair daily, organize 30 pairs of little girl shoes or rush her off to dance classes my heart sings that I have a daughter to call my own! And as my daughter grows I have learned to see my mother in a whole new light. I understand her concerns and cautions a little more now, I understand her heart better. She may not have been able to convey it to me in the best possible way but I "get it" now. And I hope that I'm able to communicate these same wants and desires to Gianna but in a way that she can hear me and love me for.