When you wonder.

Do you ever sit back and wonder about certain things?

I most wonder about people I think.

What makes them tick.

Why they do the things they do, to themselves

and to others.

It's amazing to me how someone can let their bitterness

from a situation that happened long ago

dictate how they feel about EVERYONE!

Somehow that seems so unfair to good people who

truly want to have a good relationship

with you. You've written

them off before they could even try.

I often think about past relationships and friendships

and I wonder where exactly they went wrong.

Or what I was thinking in the first place!

Some people you are glad that

you knew them because it taught you a valuable

lesson. Like how NOT to act or treat

people!

But again, people never cease to amaze me at the things

they will do to others.

How cruel and mean they will be.

How immature they'll be just to feel better about themselves.

Most of my past relationships from when I was

a teenager are long "forgotten".

I dated a few guys throughout my later highschool years

before I married my first and true love.

I do not regret these relationships

mainly because they never went to far and they

taught me some valuable lessons in life.

In fact, I'm friends with two out of three of my exes.

One of them is married and expecting a baby and his wife is

super sweet and has always been nice to me.

The other one is a great guy, almost got married,

works hard and we're friends on Facebook.

I'm glad that I don't have to shy away from these people

or not talk to them because of harmful things in our

past. My husband has no problem with them either.

But what's funny is that past friendships are what

haunt me more then anything.

I may not have been the greatest girlfriend ever,

that's much harder then being a friend!

But not to "toot my own horn" but I'm a pretty darn

good friend. I listen, I don't give advice unless I

think you are asking for it, I do my best to make

sure we go do things that we'll both enjoy,

I never let differences or lack of the same interests

stop me from liking you......

Yet for some reason the people I have tried to be

the greatest friend to have stab me in the back

and left me for dead for all they care.

It blows my mind how sweet, kind and wonderful a person

can seem and how one little thing, blown out of proportion

can have them acting like Satan himself!

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of great people.

I have some very nice acquaintances but

I still don't have that really great

"bestie".

Sometimes I'm a little jealous of women who seem to have

such wonderful friends. People they can get

with, laugh with, talk to, share their hearts with.

I'm a serial bad friend picker!

My last two "best friends" - and I say friends in the

loosest of terms - were rather

controlling and selfish when it came to friendship.

Neither of them liked each other, which was fine,

but neither of them wanted me to friends with the other.

Ultimately they made me choose.......

Of course, both of them had horrible things to say

about the other one behind their backs.

I was a bit shocked because I'm not stupid,

I know if they talk about someone else that way,

but they are nice to their face then they are

probably doing the same thing to me!

They hated each other, for no real reason, and said

some of the meanest things about each to me.

In the end, they drove me away,

I couldn't deal with them.

The sad thing is they were both my age or older.

I figured there would be some level of maturity,

yet there was none.

I felt bad mainly because my daughter was friends

with their children.

I hated her losing friends as much as I hated losing friends.

It's sad because we did have some good times, I look

back and realize they were more "strained"

then I realized at the time but we had

some laughs.

But after everything was said and done,

they ended up being "friends".

How crazy is that?!!!

They are so nice to each other, commenting and complimenting

each other......

I laugh because I know what they are saying behind each others

backs. And I can't imagine being so fake to someone.

I'm sorry, if I don't like you, I don't pretend to.

I stay busy for the most part and I don't think

about my lack of friends.

Oh, don't get me wrong - I have made some wonderful

"blog friends". I love being apart of their lives

through their daily blogs.

But my heart still longs for a true friend.

Someone who knows how to truly be a good friend.

I wish that my husband and I have more young couples/families

to hang out with and enjoy doing things with.

My family has moved now, we do alot with my husbands parents,

but we don't really have a lot of friends.

Perhaps our expectations are too high?

No, I don't think so.

I think we are just in the wrong place to have the kind of

friends we'd like to have.

More then anything I want my daughter to have

healthy friendships.

She misses having someone to play with.

She loved having playdates with my old "friends" kids.

Starting school has been such a huge thing

for her because she knows there will be other kids her age

there. And that is something she talks about all

the time.

I need a friend who is truthful, honest, trust worthy,

confident, outgoing, a good listener,

creative and funny!

Someone my age, who's married and has kids like I do!

Someone to share my love of fitness and health, fashion and shopping,

tattoos, blogging, reading and music with!

I'm starting to think they don't exist!!!

(P.S. This blog was not meant to be a pity party.

Don't get me wrong, I really am happy.

Much happier then I was when I was

trying desperately to please people

who didn't want to be a true friend anyway.

But I still long for a good friend!)

So don't take your friends for granted. Ones who have

stuck by you through thick and thin, who

have been honest and upfront with you even when

you didn't want to hear it,

who have offered help and advice,

who have shared laughs and hugs

and who you know, at the end of everything,

will have your back!