Tuesday, January 25, 2011

When you wonder.

Do you ever sit back and wonder about certain things?
I most wonder about people I think.
What makes them tick.
Why they do the things they do, to themselves
and to others.
It's amazing to me how someone can let their bitterness
from a situation that happened long ago
dictate how they feel about EVERYONE!
Somehow that seems so unfair to good people who
truly want to have a good relationship
with you. You've written
them off before they could even try.

I often think about past relationships and friendships
and I wonder where exactly they went wrong.
Or what I was thinking in the first place!
Some people you are glad that
you knew them because it taught you a valuable
lesson. Like how NOT to act or treat

But again, people never cease to amaze me at the things
they will do to others.
How cruel and mean they will be.
How immature they'll be just to feel better about themselves.

Most of my past relationships from when I was
a teenager are long "forgotten".
I dated a few guys throughout my later highschool years
before I married my first and true love.
I do not regret these relationships
mainly because they never went to far and they
taught me some valuable lessons in life.
In fact, I'm friends with two out of three of my exes.
One of them is married and expecting a baby and his wife is
super sweet and has always been nice to me.
The other one is a great guy, almost got married,
works hard and we're friends on Facebook.
I'm glad that I don't have to shy away from these people
or not talk to them because of harmful things in our
past. My husband has no problem with them either.

But what's funny is that past friendships are what
haunt me more then anything.
I may not have been the greatest girlfriend ever,
that's much harder then being a friend!
But not to "toot my own horn" but I'm a pretty darn
good friend. I listen, I don't give advice unless I
think you are asking for it, I do my best to make
sure we go do things that we'll both enjoy,
I never let differences or lack of the same interests
stop me from liking you......
Yet for some reason the people I have tried to be
the greatest friend to have stab me in the back
and left me for dead for all they care.

It blows my mind how sweet, kind and wonderful a person
can seem and how one little thing, blown out of proportion
can have them acting like Satan himself!

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of great people.
I have some very nice acquaintances but
I still don't have that really great
Sometimes I'm a little jealous of women who seem to have
such wonderful friends. People they can get
with, laugh with, talk to, share their hearts with.
I'm a serial bad friend picker!

My last two "best friends" - and I say friends in the
loosest of terms - were rather
controlling and selfish when it came to friendship.
Neither of them liked each other, which was fine,
but neither of them wanted me to friends with the other.
Ultimately they made me choose.......
Of course, both of them had horrible things to say
about the other one behind their backs.
I was a bit shocked because I'm not stupid,
I know if they talk about someone else that way,
but they are nice to their face then they are
probably doing the same thing to me!
They hated each other, for no real reason, and said
some of the meanest things about each to me.
In the end, they drove me away,
I couldn't deal with them.
The sad thing is they were both my age or older.
I figured there would be some level of maturity,
yet there was none.
I felt bad mainly because my daughter was friends
with their children.
I hated her losing friends as much as I hated losing friends.

It's sad because we did have some good times, I look
back and realize they were more "strained"
then I realized at the time but we had
some laughs.

But after everything was said and done,
they ended up being "friends".
How crazy is that?!!!
They are so nice to each other, commenting and complimenting
each other......
I laugh because I know what they are saying behind each others
backs. And I can't imagine being so fake to someone.
I'm sorry, if I don't like you, I don't pretend to.

I stay busy for the most part and I don't think
about my lack of friends.
Oh, don't get me wrong - I have made some wonderful
"blog friends". I love being apart of their lives
through their daily blogs.
But my heart still longs for a true friend.
Someone who knows how to truly be a good friend.
I wish that my husband and I have more young couples/families
to hang out with and enjoy doing things with.
My family has moved now, we do alot with my husbands parents,
but we don't really have a lot of friends.
Perhaps our expectations are too high?
No, I don't think so.
I think we are just in the wrong place to have the kind of
friends we'd like to have.

More then anything I want my daughter to have
healthy friendships.
She misses having someone to play with.
She loved having playdates with my old "friends" kids.
Starting school has been such a huge thing
for her because she knows there will be other kids her age
there. And that is something she talks about all
the time.

I need a friend who is truthful, honest, trust worthy,
confident, outgoing, a good listener,
creative and funny!
Someone my age, who's married and has kids like I do!
Someone to share my love of fitness and health, fashion and shopping,
tattoos, blogging, reading and music with!

I'm starting to think they don't exist!!!

(P.S. This blog was not meant to be a pity party.
Don't get me wrong, I really am happy.
Much happier then I was when I was
trying desperately to please people
who didn't want to be a true friend anyway.
But I still long for a good friend!)

So don't take your friends for granted. Ones who have
stuck by you through thick and thin, who
have been honest and upfront with you even when
you didn't want to hear it,
who have offered help and advice,
who have shared laughs and hugs
and who you know, at the end of everything,
will have your back!

No comments:

Post a Comment