Thursday, August 26, 2010

Trust you...or trust you not.

Trust is defined as reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person or thing. Confident expectation of something, hope.

I struggle with trust. Not in the usual way that people struggle with trust. Most people struggle with NOT trusting. I struggle with being willing to trust too quickly and too openly. I tend to get hurt because I give people the benefit of the doubt as far as how they will handle me, my emotions, my well being, etc. I forget how selfish and hard some people can be. I tend to believe there is truly good in everyone although I often see people in such a negative light. Somehow past their negative points I trust that there is good there. I have often been mistaken. And that has led me to be a little stand offish when people start throwing around the word friend. I believe at this point that I have very few TRUE friends, most of them are family. As crazy and off as family can be when it comes down to it, for the most part, family is there if you really need them. But sometimes even trust in my family has been misguided and thrown away. I am very close to one of my sisters, she lives with me and my family right now and for the most part it works well. We enjoy each others company and deep down I believe I can trust her - I trust her with my child which I believe is the biggest form of trust you can put on someone! But my other sister and I don't have such a great relationship. I can't say it's completely either of our faults, I'm sure there is fault on both sides, but I trusted that us being family would conquer any true issues we had with each other. But I was wrong. It's hard to be at odds with someone you truly love and care about. Especially when they are angry at you because you care and because you are trying so hard to help them see the Light. I've had to stop trying, I've had to step back and trust that somehow God will bring the Truth to her because I can't do it. She is angry with me because I expected more out of her then she is willing to be and give. She has cut me out of her life because I won't accept the sin she is deliberately living in. She expects my love for her to turn a blind eye and be ok with it. And I just can't do that, especially when I have a 3 year old child that if very impressionable at this stage in life. She copies what she sees me and her daddy is hard though to lose your trust in someone. And I can't say that even after everything I've been through with certain people that I've completely lost trust in them. There is some stupid part of me that still wants to believe that maybe this time around will be different. There is something inside me that longs to trust them again - because the truth is most of the people I've lost trust in are good people in some aspects in life and my heart longs for that part of them. And there is something that wants to believe that the good part of them will overcome the bad. But it doesn't, and I've tried it over and over with people....I give them time, think they've changed, think they've seen the error of their ways only to return and get blindsided once again. Trust is something that has to be earned, you hear that over and over again - sometimes I wonder though how long till you can truly say it's been earned. What if someone time and time again comes through for you only to finally, as you are coming to fully trust them, let you down completely? I guess then trust is unearned. I want to be a trust worthy person, I hope that is something people can say about me. I try my best to be, but sometimes I wonder if I have blinded myself into believing I am when I'm not. I'm not quite sure how to tell exactly! I'm not sure anyone has ever told me I'm trust worthy or that they truly trust me with something. Hopefully I can come to be known as a trusty worthy person by those that I do truly and rightfully trust!

1 comment:

  1. I think it is a GREAT thing to be trustworthy, and to be honest I think it is also GREAT that you are TOO TRUSTWORTHY, Alaythea! I am that way too, and while there is a whole life of disappointment to be had for you and I at times, we must remember that God never said it would be easy in life.

    We should not lower the barre of trust which we have from the get go for people...because after all wouldn't that be letting down our own personal moral standards barre as far as these things go? Wouldn't we let Satan and the world win if we said 'Well, I am just not going to trust anyone because I know I'll get hurt...and are people really worth it after all?'

    You surely don't catch God saying He's had enough of us when we break His trust by disobeying Him and turning our faces from Him sometimes. No way jose! God never loses faith or trust in us, or the standard He has set and has called us to live for daily. So why on earth would we not trust others when we are called live like Him!?

    I've struggled with the issue of trusting people for a few years now. I've been so wounded that I didn't even want to ever reconsider wanting to learn to trust in people again in general. This has hurt me so much. I want to trust in people so badly, and yet I've been let down time and time again. The only thing I can say about trust is that it should never be something that is should be given freely to everyone over and over again, because that is what God does for the end God will take care of everything. By the same token I AM NOT saying that when friends break your trust and totally start breaking you down as a person that you should sit back and enjoy the crappy ride...instead you should move on...but remember that being too willing to trust is what God calls us to do.

    I hope I am a trustworthy friend to you. I hope we can deepen our friendship. I'll be the first to admit that I have TRUST ISSUES, and that that is why I have been hesitant to cling onto you tightly as a 'dear friend.' I don't want to get hurt again, but I am willing to live as Christ and to take a gamble on friendship.

    Take a deep breath girl....take your heart before the Lord...and don't let the world and others dissever your trusting self and heart!

    Later friend...