Monday, August 23, 2010

.....and that's how I feel.

Do you ever have days when you feel completely unappreciated? When everything you do is never enough? No matter how hard I try it seems like nothing I ever do is enough or good enough. I know, people will tell me all day long that I'm wonderful, sweet, caring, a treasure, a gift from God, etc. but the truth is I don't believe that nor do I see it. I feel worthless, I feel like crap, I feel like I will never, ever, ever do enough. The days that people tell me good positive things do not make up for the days when people tell me I'm not grateful. I do not know how to show that I'm grateful or trying any more.....obviously, no matter what I do it will never be enough. And honestly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying so hard. People will accuse me saying that I don't actually try and that all I do is make excuses - and what would I do if I actually had to do something in life? How does that translate to me? It translate to me being worthless. Extreme? Maybe. But it's how I feel. No matter how hard I work, no matter how many things I try to keep right in life, no matter how much I pick up, clean up, declutter, etc. it will never be enough. I keep falling short of the mark. And it's wearing me thin. Some people would laugh and say I have it good. I do have it good for the most part. But I don't want to be reminded over and over and over how good I have it. As though I am some ungrateful leech just sucking the life out of someone.

I struggle with guilt, loads of it. Some days I am completely overwhelmed by it. I feel like if someone does something for me then I must be in debted to them for life. Honestly, that's why I never ask people to do things for me, or help me....I don't want to feel like I owe you something for ever. And even if you tell me I won't be, I will still feel that way. It's another one of those mental issues I deal with, I guess.

I am unsure of myself - I don't know how to stand up for myself because I so desperately want to be liked, loved, thought well of, make someone proud. I feel like I've yet to do that with anyone. Perhaps my daughter, for now, thinks well of me. But how long will that last? I disappoint the ones I love and the ones I love disappoint me. It is a never ending cycle that I am weary of walking.

I have felt a little down for the past couple of weeks - I keep trying to lift my spirits, remind myself of the good things, be positive but I'm slowly wilting. Spiralling. I have done SO much over the past few weeks yet once again the people I do it for don't seem to care. All that is brought to my attention is what hasn't been done and what they've done. My efforts are futile and pointless. I will forever be striving and trying and never reaching or succeeding. At least in this area of life.....or so it seems. You can not make someone see you any better then they do, especially those who love you, they have a fixed, flawed image of you that will never change no matter how much you polish and revamp yourself. It is frustrating. It makes me lash out because I feel unappreciated. I will never be good enough and that thought drags me down daily. Some days I manage to push it farther away than other days, but for the most part it is always with me. Smiling at me wickedly and leaving me full of tears.

Am I an emotional basket case?! Probably. But it's who I am, I fight it constantly but it doesn't seem to do any good. I'm not sure anyone can truly accept anyone fully. There will always be things we hate about each other, things that drive us crazy, things that make us lash out. We hurt others because we are hurting ourselves. And an apology here and there doesn't make up for the feelings you give someone day in and day out......and that's how I feel.

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