One of the biggest issues I've had to face and deal with in life, well, ever since finishing high school, is self confidence. Or in my case the lack of self confidence. It puzzles me because I never struggled with this before. All through high school I was an extremely confident, out going person. I wasn't afraid to state my opinion or be known for thinking a certain way. I stuck to my guns and some people liked me and respected me for it and other didn't. The ones that didn't never bothered me at all. I was pleased with who I was, or who I was becoming and how I was going about it.
I don't really know where I lost it or what caused me to lose it. I think it was when I left home and went to live in Alabama and attend Cosmetology school. There I was the under dog. I was the little innocent, Christian girl who didn't know anything. I was constantly on the outside looking in so to speak. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of great people there, I am still friends with many of them to this day. I appreciate them and some of the things I learned from them but my self confidence quickly diminished when I was no longer the smartest, cutest, most talented, etc. I had grown accustomed to being admired by my peers in a small, church type setting. I was the "cool" homeschooler, the youngest worship leader in our youth group, I traveled around with my dad and sang and was admired by church leaders and church goers alike. This isn't to toot my own horn, it was just how it was and I felt confident there. Leaving all that aside I was suddenly vunerable, small and insignificant. While in AL I attended a huge church where I snuck in on Sunday mornings and snuck out without hardly being noticed. I attended a college group while I was there but even that was a large gathering and I was far less talented and noticable then otheres there. I dated a guy from that church for a short period of time - I liked him a lot but he was still trying to figure out his life and was a little back and forth with our relationship. I never knew week to week what his idea for our relationship would be. We are still friends to this day, he's a really sweet guy but it wasn't meant to be between us in that way....but it was yet one more thing that shook my confidence. Back home the few cute guys around liked me and I liked them - but being thrown into a much bigger pool of wonderful, sweet, pretty, talented young women took a toll on me. Obviously my self confidence was shallow and built on a shaky foundation.
After I got married I started struggling even deeper with who I was. Trying to figure out who I was for myself but also for my husband. It's something I'm still trying to figure out. I lashed out because I wanted freedom yet I had no idea what to do with myself or freedom if I had it. I felt like at some point everyone was trying to "control" me but really they were trying to help guide me. It's hard to admit but I really have no idea what direction I'm heading in, then or now even.
Then we had Gianna, very unexpectedly. That put a whole different pull on who I was and who I was supposed to be. I was still trying to figure out who I was, how was I supposed to guide and train up a child correctly? I am doing the best I know how and I know I mess up often - I am not patient enough or attentive enough sometimes. But I am doing the best I can muster up. But along with my emotional lack of confidence came my physical lack of confidence. And that can effect things just as badly as emotional. I gained weight and that threw me for a loop. I had never struggled with weight - I ate what I wanted and it never effected my waist line at all. I wasn't a super active person. I didn't play sports or work out much. I grew up in a house hold struggling with weight itself and you would have thought that would make me more conscience of keeping myself healthy but it didn't. So suddenly I'm not only struggling with my mental stableness but I feel like I look like a slob on the outside as well. But I wasn't self motivated enough to do something about it. I struggle with changing myself, I don't feel like I can do it. That how I am is just how I am. But I hated myself and thus I hated others around me. Especially people who were what I wished I could be. Last August I decided to finally step up and take hold of my physical well being and I started P90X. I lost a total of about 25lbs over the last year and it boosted my self confidence a lot. I suddenly started thinking I could do more and more. Yet there is still that self doubt that starts creeping back in. Something some says or does and it totally throws me off. I've struggled with friendships this past year and that has set me back mentally. I feel like I try so hard yet it doesn't pay off. Some people tell me I don't try hard enough but I'm honestly pushing myself as far as I feel I can. I don't know how to go any farther.
Needless to say the past few weeks have been rough. The moving has totally thrown off my normal routine and schedule. I've been eating like absolute crap - some days I would barely get in three meals we were so busy but then I would eat nothing but fast food and junk. And it takes it's toll on me. I feel terrible. But the worse I feel the more crap I eat. It's a vicious cycle. My work outs have suffered too. I usually manage to get about 4 work outs a week in over the past couple of weeks but they were usually quick and rushed - just getting through them. So my whole goal plan for August went completely out the door. I am disappointed in myself because of it. And trying to get myself back on track is so hard. I need a new challenge, a new challenge usually gives me the boost I need to really get back on track. I want to get the new Turbo Fire SOON. I think I need it, as soon as I have the money it will be mine! Plus in the move we lost our remote for the TV so my work outs have been limited because I can't get to other menu choices without the remote! Lol! Sad, I know, I keep hoping we'll find it but so far no luck. Guess I need to go buy a universal remote.
Anyway, needless to say, August has been a rough month. I have higher hopes for September. Getting back into the swing of a routine. Getting back to counting calories and watching what I'm eating, back to working out harder and concentrating on goals I set for myself. Trying even harder to be a better, more patient wife and mother, willing to learn. I want to get back to writing songs and recording. I keep talking about it but I want to put my plan into action. I want to do things and not just talk about them.....but we'll see how that goes!