I am purposing in my heart this morning to look at things in a brighter light. I feel like lately things have felt overwhelming and discouraging. I have let too many things get to me, mainly myself. I feel like I get down on myself and that translates to how I deal with those around me. Yesterday I was feeling crappy about me and so when my hubby got home all he did was ask me a simple question and I jumped all over him. I feel like everyone is watching a critiquing me. Watching to see if I do enough - I feel like being a stay at home mom everyone thinks you are lazy and that unless you spend from sun up to sun down cleaning then you aren't doing anything. I'll admit, I probably have a little more "free" time then those who work a regular job but at the same time we have a much tighter budget too. And knowing you are responsible for the development of a child is quite the load on your mind and heart. Every time I do or say something I'm wondering if I've done it right or already messed her up! I never want the day to come where she doesn't want to talk to me or doesn't enjoy being with me. I feel like my husband has all the weight of financially taking care of us on his shoulders and I know this weighs him down alot, especially when his visions and dreams for himself and for us didn't include a long commute and hours of hard work. He is creative and this job is no creative outlet for him but at the same time we are thankful he has this job, it's been fairly secure and it pays fairly well too. It's hard to find the balance between being grateful and being stuck in a rut.
I too often, especially lately, feel like mine and my husband's visions for life aren't quite in sync with each other's. I keep trying to figure out a way to mesh them together. I love my husband and I want nothing more then to see him happy - I also want nothing more then to see my daughter happy. But too often I forget about myself in some ways, I feel like I'm the one who is supposed to put my desires and wants and needs on the back burner to other's desires and wants and needs. I feel like it's more important for "them" to be happy and satisfied and for me to just get along with where ever life takes me. I talk myself in to thinking that my vision for life (or the parts of a vision I seem to have collected.) isn't as important. Yet something keeps pulling me back to it and keeps putting a longing in my heart. I'm so afraid to say that it's something God has put there because heaven forbid, what if I was wrong?!
I think it's one of my biggest fears - being wrong. Making a mistake, doing the wrong thing, messing up something for someone else, making a big decision that screws things up. I am not brave, I'm not a "go-for-it" kinda person. And I so wish I was! I wish I just had the gall to jump into things, to just "know" my heart and know it's right and to just go with the flow. I think the only thing I've ever not "over thought" in life was marrying my husband! We got "back" together in November 2004, got engaged in April 2005 and even though most of my family wasn't overly supportive of me getting married at 18 (almost 19) I went against everything I was told and knew to be "right" and married him. And that was almost 6 years ago! I'm proud of how far we've come together and I hope things only get better......but my point is, I'm not one to just go for things, I over analyze until there is nothing left for me to go for.
Today I want my mind to be quiet, I want to just simply enjoy the day. The beauty and warmth of the sun peeking over the tree line across the road, the chilly crispness to the air this morning (it feel like fall even though it's May!), the gentle bubble of the pool, the delightful laugh of my child as she enjoys just being who she is.......I want to look in the mirror and smile at myself and not see my flaws and imperfections, I want to feel proud of what I do accomplish today even if it's not everything and I want to go to bed tonight feeling fulfilled!