Sunday, May 22, 2011

Dark room.

Imagine you're in a dark room.
One you've been in before,
you know the room.
You know how it's laid out,
you know the furniture inside.
But occasionally someone rearranges all the
Still the same room, still the same furniture,
but you don't know the lay out and it's dark.
You feel your way around searching for the
light switch. You feel along walls,
perhaps take a few confident steps in what you feel
is the right direction until you stumble over
unseen obstacle. You pick yourself
back up and try again......
After feeling around some more,
perhaps stumbling some more,
even getting a few cuts or bruises...
You think you've found the right switch and you
flip it only to realize it's not the right
switch and it doesn't turn on the
So you start your search all over again -
stumbling, falling, feeling your way around.


So often this is exactly how I feel when it comes to finding and executing God's plan for my life. And now, not only do I have to think about the plan God has for me, but I also have to make sure it lines up with my husband's heart and what he feels is God's plan for us. I have to take into consideration how decisions will affect my daughter as well. It's complicated and overwhelming at times. I feel like I'm searching and searching - I know it's there, I'm in familiar territory but yet I just feel like I can't find it. I'm scared to make a decision lest it be the wrong one or it affect those I care about in a negative way. But that keeps me from doing things I truly feel are the right things to do.
Plus you fight your flesh - I know there are things I'm supposed to do and things I feel like God will at some point bring those things to pass but my mind fights it. It doesn't fit my "plan" or my idea of a plan, it isn't the right time, how could we afford it financially, how will I find the time, what would I do with my daughter if I took on those challenges, how will I support my husband in his endeavors if I go that direction? So many questions, so many answers and yet I feel like most of the time I can't connect the dots. I'm trying hard lately to not "think" and just to pray - any time my mind starts saying "It's impossible. No way will that work. Where would the resources come from?" I stop and simply pray "Lord, help me have faith. Help me to trust that if this is what You would have me do then You will show me the way." Does that mean I never doubt or struggle or get discouraged? No not at all - in fact, I am struggling with it now. I feel overwhelmed by decisions that need to be made for our family, about our future and what it holds for us. I feel like the future is so vast and we have very few ways of getting there. And the biggest question, where is "there"? I see so many people my age or my husband's age, young families who seem to already be on their way - they seem to be living out the plan God has for them and yet I still feel like we are struggling to even know what that direction is. I struggle to even know how to pray about it!
I'm searching for direct answers, I want a map in detail to tell me where to go and how I'm going to get there and what pit stops to make and where the road work and traffic stalls are. I want to know when or if my car will break down and how I'll get it fixed and how long it will take me to get back on the road. I want to know how many wrong turns I'll make or how lost I'm going to actually get before I get where I'm going. And from what I've seen, God rarely works that way! I guess that's why He gave us faith, huh?! So I'm trusting, or at least trying to. I desperately want to know His will for my family and I - I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives trying to figure it out and never actually doing anything. I want to make a difference to someone or something - if that's only my daughter then so be it. I need to make sure I'm being the best support I can be to my husband as he reaches his goals and achieves his dreams. Perhaps that's what my role is in this lifetime - to support and encourage. Who knows. I certainly feel like I don't know, at least not yet. I have ideas, I have hopes and I have things I feel like one day I'm supposed to accomplish but I'm just not sure how to go about them or how to make them come to pass. And maybe that's not my job - I'm waiting to know exactly what my part is in it all. For now I feel like I'm wandering around a dark room trying to find the light switch to brighten it all and make sense of it.

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