Friday, May 27, 2011


I constantly battle with that feeling and idea that certain people around me or "out there" are trying to out do me. Not that life is a competition but I constantly feel like anything I do or say they want to out do or out say. They have to appear better, more in control, far more "perfect". Perhaps this is insecurity on my part or perhaps it's insecurity on theirs. I do know that I struggle with being insecure sometimes but for the most part I know who I am in Christ and I do my best not to worry about what others think or say. It doesn't always work, I think my post last night, Sometimes, is proof that I too have insecure moments where I doubt myself. But that last thing I want is to be reminded of those moments! The point is this, everyone has insecure moments - it's just some people are secure enough to admit them. Others are just constantly trying to out do so that they can feel better.
My family has always been a source of encouragement for me - we pick on each other, we're mean to each other sometimes but in the end I know I can count on them for the encouragement I need. And of course my husband is always there to pick me up when I just feel too down to do it myself. I spent the first year of my marriage so insecure and "alone" and ended up moving back here to be close to family because it's where I felt secure. I had to learn that my family isn't my security. I had to branch out and make friends, lose friends, stand up for the way I want to raise my daughter, become closer to my husband, start finding myself, experience things and try things out. When my family moved away my first panic-y thought was "We've got to move there soon too!" Thinking I couldn't survive without them around. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family - I really miss all the babysitters! Lol! Between my mom, my sister and even my dad and brothers occasionally someone was always there to help out with Gianna. I miss having trusted sitters around, my mother in law has been a tremendous help now that they are gone but there is just one of her and it can becoming overwhelming have an extremely active 4 year old around. But back to my point, I have lived 9 1/2 months without my family and I'm good! I'm stronger and less needy then I thought. I don't have to chase my family down and be there with them every second in order to be secure in myself. I have stepped outside my "box" a little and found I'm good with who I am! I've also realized this - if you can't have friends outside your family you might wanna take a step back and figure out why. Sometimes family can be a negative (not in all cases, but some!) because they always tell you what you wanna hear, they cater to your every whim and want and thus NO ONE else can be that perfect. So you can't make friend or keep friends. If they don't bend over backwards to suck up to you then they just "don't fit in" and you toss them to the curb. Stop being so spoiled! Lol! I guess my parents raised me to think outside of myself - people who constantly brag about how giving they are or how unselfish they are usually are the complete opposite of how they see them selves. If you asked anyone on the outside looking in they see that person as selfish and possessive. When people point out things in me, even if they do it in spite, I do try to take a look at myself and see if what they are saying has any truth. Doesn't mean I always fix it right away, doesn't mean they are right but I do try to look because I know I'm not perfect!

Point being - don't live your life trying to out do others. It will make you miserable and lonely. My husband and my child and my family are not my only friends - I do enjoy time away from them! And there is nothing wrong with that. For awhile I have friends who were obsessed with being with their significant other and child ALL the time. Even though I was trying hard to be a good friend they wouldn't allow me to. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything without them constantly texting the other, talking constantly about their child(ren) or counting down the minutes to be back with them. I'm sorry - I love my hubby and daughter more then anything but I need time away from them, time where I talk about anything but them. Time where I re-charge my mind and heart. For the longest I lived with this guilt thinking something was wrong with me because I did enjoy breaks from my husband and daughter. Then I started blogging and started following blogs full of confident, self secure moms who know that time away from their spouses and children is an important part of life! And suddenly I realize I'm not the one who doesn't get it!!!! I appreciate my blogging mom's so much - they have taught me so much and help me discover who I am and who I'm becoming. They have shown me that life isn't about outdoing each other but about joining together and celebrating each person's differences! So I don't spend my time wondering who is out doing me....but rather enjoying who I am and my life!

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