Sunday, September 5, 2010

Where to begin...and where does it end?

The past couple of days have been an emotional roller coaster. On the homefront we have been extremely happy and have a had a wonderful weekend together. It's been fairly peaceful and happy. But I have been so emotionally torn ever since Friday. I posted in my blog "Mr. and Mrs." about finding out that my sister had gotten married without anyone really knowing. It really hit me hard. And in the midst of dealing with that I was hit with another blow from another family member who I least expected it from. They didn't understand why I was so torn up about the deal with my sister. It's my sister for crying out loud and right now our relationship is so torn apart that she couldn't even tell me she was married. Yet they couldn't seem to understand the state my heart and mind were in at that time. I wasn't asking them to but I didn't expect more sympathy then I got. In fact, they lashed out at me about my original blog Mr. & Mrs. which I removed in a fit of tears because I felt so run over by them. The new blog under that title isn't nearly as emotional as the first one was. But I didn't feel like I said anything bad in the first one. They accused me of being rude, heartless and hurtful because of some things I had said about my lack of a wedding and who was responsible for it. This harsh reaction came from someone who isn't in any way interested in uplifting or encouraging anyway, I have seen this person over and over tear people down for no real reason. I have tried to ignore this because of the simple fact that they are family but you can't ignore problems forever. And what someone does to one person or many people at some point they will do it to you too. I guess somewhere in my mind I hoped I was different and I hoped that they loved me and respected me enough not to hurt me the way they did others. I seem to trust people who have no interest in my well being at all. And that's sad that you can't even count on family anymore. Yes, family has their issues, they have their problems and everyone deals with those in different ways but when you can't see past your own selfishness to take note of someone elses feelings then you have a lot to learn in life.
Over the weekend my sister, D, who has been living with us since Mom and Dad moved decided she was moving to AL. too. Apparently we Carroll's are too difficult to live with and put up with! Lol! I laugh at this because we are pretty easy going but she feels this is the best decision for her. I am hurt and disappointed. It was hard enough to say good bye to my family so suddenly, go through this crazy move in such a short period of time, attempt to settle down and get into a routine and now she's leaving too. I had hoped, with her help with Gianna, to get a part time job this Fall. I feel like I need to have an opportunity to get out of the house and help, even if it's on a very small scale, financially too. But I guess God has other plans for the time being and I pray He shows me how to find the good in this situation. Because right now my heart and my mind are full of bitter, negative thoughts and feelings. My husband has been my support and my comfort through all of this. I know he hates to see me hurt just like I hate to see him hurt. I know how I feel towards the people that have hurt him over the past few years and it's not an easy place to be in. I have done my share of crying too. I'm just overwhelmed at this point. On a selfish note we are left without a lot, or any, help with Gianna. There goes a lot of our date nights. *sigh* I will miss them. I don't care how much you love your child or how wonderful they are you need breaks from them. It's healthy for you and them in the end. So my mind is swirling.....things haven't ended on a super positive note. There are some feelings of anger and bitterness in the air between my sister and I. I am fighting that and have attempted, best I know how, to fix things and move on but I'm not sure I am quite there yet. I am still licking my wounds so to speak. I feel like every time I start to count on someone they let me down. I am praying hard that God softens my heart because I don't want to become a bitter, cynical person. I love my family dearly and it's so hard to sit back and watch all the drama unfold. I feel helpless to help or fix things and so I sit on the sidelines and bit my lip as much as I can.
I do hope my outlook on all this changes. I'm not good alone - I know I'm really not alone completely. I have Gianna and Beej of course and they are my best friends but I like have other family around. I can't say I have a lot of friends here. Most aquaintances, people I know but no one I am close to. I am trying not to let myself think about it to the point that I get too depressed because I know what that leads me too. I need to focus on Gianna, focus on being a better wife, getting back to focusing hard on fitness and working on music. Maybe this time is set for me to break ties that keep me from focusing on what truly needs to be done right now in my life. I just pray I have the strength and will power to accomplish what is set before me.

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