Perhaps, one day.....

We have all have people we trust, we all have people we can talk to, share our hearts, thoughts and dreams with. For some of us that's a friend, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. But occasionally do you ever have those things that maybe you just don't feel like you can share with anyone? Maybe it's ideas, thoughts, dreams, plans, wishes, mistakes, problems......things you wish you had done different, hadn't done at all, could change, could re-do. People you could take back things you said or did, or things you wish you had said or done. I think maybe we all do - no matter how wonderful or "best" of a friend we have. No matter how honest we are with them there are always going to be one or two or even three things we just aren't brave enough to say out loud. Things we feel like people we love would judge or criticize or make fun of. Things that we've said or held to for a long time but we know that if people knew we had changed our minds they'd laugh or say "I told you so". Things that maybe you feel but you know that someone you love doesn't feel the same way or wouldn't think the same as you do. It makes you keep it inside, hold back and just repress it. We feel silly and overwhelmed by our own minds and feelings and emotions sometimes. Don't we? Or perhaps I am all alone in this! I sometimes think there are things I want to say but I just hold back because I am too unsure of myself. I talk myself out of so many things because I just make myself think about how those around me would react and I suddenly feel far less confident in my thinking. Sometimes I wish I had that overly confident mind that just felt like everything I thought, felt or believed was right and I could say it, go with it and not care what people think. I wish I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when I said or did something I felt displeased or upset someone else. Yet I'll let people walk all over me.......sad, isn't it. I struggle with finding the balance of standing up for myself but still being respectful and courteous to others. I struggle with expressing myself - I don't feel like I can "change" my mind or my heart on something I've always said or done. Does anyone else ever think that or feel this way?! I hope so, or else this blog was simple a jumbled up mess of nothing! Sometimes I think I react to these "repressed feelings" by over reacting to other, smaller things. I let these things fester in my mind until all that pent up frustration spills over by me freaking out over something my husband says, or something my daughter does, or how someone treats me. Perhaps one day I will find my inner voice, and it will be brave enough to speak! Perhaps I one day I will not care what other thinks of me changing my mind or my heart on something, perhaps one day......