Saturday, January 30, 2010
So have you ever been through something and forever blamed the other person or some other factor as the cause? If they had done this differently or if they hadn't said that, etc. Or if this hadn't happened I wouldn't be here? And then suddenly one day you realize that it's been your fault all along. That it was how you handled what was said or done that caused all the issues in the first place? I hate being wrong and I hate admitting I did something wrong. It makes me feel stupid and small. But I also know that if I deny the fact that I mess up (quite often) that I'm only lying to myself. And there isn't anything I dislike more then lying. I'd rather you just 'fess up and be straight up honest and possibly hurt my feelings that way then for my feelings to be hurt by knowing you lied to me. Because if and when (and mostly likely I will find out at some point!) I find out you lied to me, even over something small, I won't ever trust a word that comes out of your mouth again. Period. I won't hate you, I won't pretend you don't exist but don't expect me to believe anything you tell me! And I'm fine with that if you are! Lol! But here is the thing, it's recently come to my attention that I handled something that happened a while ago terribly wrong. I jumped to conclusions and defended the wrong person. In the end not only was I hurt but that person was left wounded as well. And there is no excuse for my behavior except that I was just being selfish and that selfish caused me to react foolishly. It's so hard to trust someone again, whom you've trusted wholeheartedly, after they have left you down so quickly and so hard. I believed a lie and somehow that lie overshadowed the truth I had known so clearly for so long. I have alot of mending to do....will it ever be done? I don't know yet but I'm going to do my best. Someone who never deserved what I did to them now has distrust towards me that I totally earned. And that hurts me. I know how many times I've been hurt, how many times people who I trusted whole heartedly let me down. And knowing I've done that to someone really makes my heart ache. I am still praying that someone this person will forgive me and allow me to prove myself again as the good friend I know I am and can be. Perhaps this taught me the biggest lesson ever.....I'm not sure I've ever been here. Realizing that I'm the one who messed up, the one who started something, the one who messed up BIG time!!! Hopefully the end of this situation will see restoration and wholeness.