Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How My Heart Feels.....

......sometimes my heart feels disappointed. Sometimes it feels overwhelmed. Sometimes it questions why. Sometimes it feels like life isn't fair. Sometimes it feels embarrassed. Sometimes it feels like hiding away. When Gianna was younger we had no trouble providing or giving to her what she needed, even wanted most of the time. We were, and still are, extremely blessed. We have a great home, Beej and I have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful daughter, Beej has a great job, we have a car that is still going strong, family for the most part, friends, etc. But even in the midst of all my blessings sometimes my selfish side rears up. I feel embarrassed that I feel the way I do but plain and simple, I feel it. And sometimes the best way for me to get over something is to just get it out there in the open. Even though Beej has been continually blessed at his job and has been promoted and give raises repeatedly things are still sometimes a bit tight. Don't get me wrong, we have a good time, we go out to eat a good bit, we buy things that we want sometimes, we pay all our bills on time, etc. But sometimes it's the extra, BIG things that we aren't able to do that bother me. Well, I take that back, it doesn't even bother me nor do I hardly think about it until it's in my face how much MORE someone else is doing for their children. Then it hurts me SO much that I can't do the same for Gianna. One of the MANY reason I didn't want any more children....I don't think Beej and I will always been in this financial situation, in fact, I know we won't be but for the moment we do our best to provide for one child and I don't want to split that in half. Gianna is happy, she is blessed but I don't want her to one day say "I never got to.....as a child." And that makes my heart ache. I see all the things people are doing and taking there kids too. All the trips, shows, and places. I'm trying desperately to figure out how we could possibly make it to the beach this summer. Gianna has never been really and Beej and I haven't been since we've been together. We like to travel it's just really expensive. We usually travel a good bit at Christmas and even though it's fun it's not really a family vacation, we usually make a trip or two to Savannah, GA because Beej has family there. We are going in Feb to see them and go to a Mute Math concert and I'm very excited! Pleased that we can do it. But I'm talking more about things for Gianna. The circus is coming near us soon and I know Gianna would have loved it but it just wasn't something I could swing at the moment. Mainly it's the beach trip, I want so bad to take her and yet I fear once again that's going to slip through the cracks while others are taking multiple trips. How can people afford it? We budget well, we are very responsible with our money but we are only on one income. I know others who are on one income, who don't make THAT much more then Beej yet they are always going. I'm happy for them, glad they get to go, but honestly, my heart is jealous. Mainly jealous for my baby, because I feel like already I'm failing her. I feel like I'm not giving her everything she deserves, not giving her all the experiences in life that others will have and get. And I don't want her to feel left out. It angers me when others who are NO where near our position in life pretend to understand where I'm at and what I'm feeling. "Yeah, we know what it's like to be tight too" or "We are on such a tight budget too". I wanna laugh in their faces because they have NO idea! Today my heart feels....jealous, angry, frustrated, torn, sad and small.

1 comment:

  1. Things are tight for us too. I DO know where you are! As a child we didn't take trips. We were a one income family and I had 3 sisters. I don't know if this will make you feel better but, I never knew that we were poor until I was older. I had a very happy childhood. My parents loved me and that's all that mattered. Gianna won't remember the trips as much as she will remember the everyday fun you guys have. Chin up!