??????

What is it that makes a person's mind give in to compulsive behaviors? What snaps or switches on or whatever happens? Why is it that some people's compulsive behaviors grow over time and others are just that way from the beginning? I watch a lot of those shows about OCD behaviors like hoarding or washing your hands four hundred times a day or saving you nose hair clippings and weird crap like that! It interests me and disgusts me and overwhelms me all at once. I don't understand what it is in a persons mind that can't tell them that's stupid. It's weird watching people mentally and emotionally break down when someone tries to throw away rotting garbage and stuff like that. But then you can swing to the other end too - always throwing everything away, always clean the counters, etc. We probably all do something that could be considered compulsive in some way or another.

What is it that makes people compulsively push other people away yet all they can talk about is how lonely they are or that no one wants anything to do with them? You just want to shake them and yell "Are you serious?!" But it's like it doesn't compute in their heads. I'm not a patient person and dealing with someone like this, who in other ways seems so smart and put together, overwhelms me. I honestly can't do it. I either end up blowing up in their faces or I just have to walk away and keep my mouth shut. And I'm not sure which is the best. Somewhere in the middle I guess! I've watched this particular person push away everyone that truly loves her. She has turned to animals for companionship because they never contradict her, they are always there for her. And the joy and companionship she feels she gets from these animals out weighs what she feels are worthless people. But that includes her family I'm afraid. It seems so stupid to us yet I truly believe in her mind it's all rational. She truly believes everyone is out to get her and make her life miserable. She wants to be in control all the time yet this results in her losing control of everything. And in the end being in control doesn't make her happy anyway. It's hard to watch something like this especially if you care for that person. You just want them to see how silly they are being. And all the wonderful things they are missing out on - events in important peoples lives that she is shunning because she can't handle saying she's wrong. She refuses to believe she's wrong, she compulsively believes she is the victim, that everyone is out to get her and hurt her.

It's so hard to watch someone like that - they refuse help, they refuse to believe they need help. In their mind everyone else is wrong and always will be. It doesn't register in their minds that EVERYONE has the same problem with them - instead they just see that all people are alike and they all have the same problem. It's overwhelming because no matter what you do there isn't a way you can get through to them. You hate to walk away and leave them the way they are but at the same time staying is needlessly punishing yourself.

I feel like right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.....but I keep trying to remember that I have to keep the sanity I still possess. Sometimes being around someone who doesn't have their sanity can cause you to lose yours.