Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Guilt of a stay at home mom....

I may be the ONLY one who feels this way but I hope not.....I feel guilty about being at home. Especially now that Gianna is in school 5 days a week. We started our marriage out with two incomes. I worked 35 hours a week as a stylist and B worked 40 hours a week as a waiter. Between us both we made decent money. I mean, not rich by any means but we paid the bills and had plenty left over for having fun, eating out, buying stuff we wanted when we wanted. I bought new clothes and shoes weekly and never thought twice about it. Then we moved and our plan was exactly the same - we'll both get jobs, we'll live the same kinda life we did before. But then I got pregnant and super sick and we decided I just needed to stay home while I was pregnant and then stay home with the baby since it probably wouldn't be worth it to try and put her in daycare for me to have a minimum wage job. Not to mention we of course wanted our child to be raised by her parents. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with people who choose to work, honestly, but for us it just made more sense for me to be at home.

But living on one income, although it's a decent one, is still not easy. We pay our bills and we do get to enjoy eating out - mainly because it's just cheaper then trying to buy stuff to cook every night. But anything extra is well....just kinda difficult. And I tend to have a guilt complex. I feel guilty about everything - how I make people feel, saying no, and spending money. I don't contribute that much ( I make a very little bit helping my parents ministry out) and I know how much my husband hates working a 9-5 job and I just feel straight up guilty. I feel he could be doing what he loves (music) if he wasn't trying to pay bills for us. And I live with this day in and day out. I feel insanely guilty spending $5 on something. I get gas at the beginning of the week, usually just enough to be able to take Gianna back and forth to school and even though that's not even for me and a necessity I still feel awful.

I hate doing anything for myself unless I somehow come up with the money on my own which is a lot harder then it sounds. I can't seem to get my Etsy shop to do anything. I've sold a few things here and there but it's not consistent and I've been pretty much BEGGING people to buy stuff now and that's not even working so I'm giving up on that. It's not worth the time and effort I put into it. It seems like nothing is close by so it's always a ton of gas to go or do anything. Gianna's dr. and dentist are 35 minutes and an hour and 15 minutes away but we have to go to dr.'s and dentist that take her Medicaid insurance so we don't have a choice. The closest real "city" is 45 minutes away. So yeah, it's like everything constantly is just sucking money out of us when we don't have that much to begin with!

I honestly don't feel like I deserve to ever spend money on myself, at least not until I have an actual job that helps contribute to the household. I know most people view me as lazy because after all I just "sit around" at home right? Now that Gianna's in school I'm just living the high life.....not so. I mean, yeah, I do have it "easy" I guess because I do basic cleaning up, some cooking and watch Gianna when she's home but I feel guilty for that. I really can't wait to move and get a job just so this enormous weight of guilt will be taken off of me or at least relieved a bit.

I am supposed to go get my hair cut Monday but I'm honestly thinking about canceling because I just can't justify driving the 45 minutes to my hair dresser and paying for the cut. It just seems like an unnecessary expense that I can't mentally justify.

Does anyone else deal with this or am I just weird and need to go see someone for help! Lol!


  1. i don't think you are being weird at all. and i really get where you are coming from. is there any way you could get a stylist job during the hours that gianna is in school?

    i don't like spending money on myself either. i honestly feel guilty if i buy a coke at the gas station, because i could have just made one at home and brought it with me! i was a lot like you before my kids were born. i'd buy clothes whenever i wanted, or just buy little things for the heck of it. and now, i only buy it if i absolutely NEED it. i use my mascara until the very end, and i squeeze out that last bit of lotion.

    it was crazy getting to spend money on just me and peppy this past weekend. but we had saved our christmas money and just did whatever we wanted. it was the first a long time...that we got to just be selfish and do whatever we wanted.

  2. I feel the same way!! But I'm also to the point where I realize I need to get a job to hang onto my sanity. Not everyone is made to be a stay at home mom, and I think that I am not. That sounds awful but I promise it's not as bad as it seems hah. I love and cherish every moment I get with my child but I want to contribute more on the financial end...

  3. Yeah, Deanna, even when I work and save money for an outing or to do something for myself I still feel bad. All I can think is that I really should be giving that money to my husband to helps with bills. I saved most of my Christmas money for a girl's night out at the end of the month to go get a new tattoo and I'm so excited but part of me feels guilty over that money I have tucked away.

    And Natasha, I guess part of my guilt is that I do enjoy being at home! I've loved getting to be with my daughter but then I feel like I really need to be helping financially so I know I have to find a job....

  4. I totally hear you. I love being at home for the most part, but we barely staying afloat. In the same sense though, I can't get a job because the wage I would be paid would only MAYBE cover the cost of daycare, so what's the point? So I pretty much never spend money on myself, and the one thing I have ever loved, my camera, is sitting in a damn pawn shop, so why should I be able to get ANYTHING besides food, electricity and gas? UGH!

  5. Oh girl, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of really heavy emotions over this. Sorry that Etsy didn't pan out as well as you had hoped... is there any way to get a part time job just during the day while your little one is at school?

    1. Yeah, I am dealing with a lot of heavy emotions. Mainly because my plan was to get a part time job while she was at school. But we live in a very small, very poor town and jobs are scarce. I've put in probably 20 applications and haven't heard back from ONE. Not one.