Guilt of a stay at home mom....

I may be the ONLY one who feels this way but I hope not.....I feel guilty about being at home. Especially now that Gianna is in school 5 days a week. We started our marriage out with two incomes. I worked 35 hours a week as a stylist and B worked 40 hours a week as a waiter. Between us both we made decent money. I mean, not rich by any means but we paid the bills and had plenty left over for having fun, eating out, buying stuff we wanted when we wanted. I bought new clothes and shoes weekly and never thought twice about it. Then we moved and our plan was exactly the same - we'll both get jobs, we'll live the same kinda life we did before. But then I got pregnant and super sick and we decided I just needed to stay home while I was pregnant and then stay home with the baby since it probably wouldn't be worth it to try and put her in daycare for me to have a minimum wage job. Not to mention we of course wanted our child to be raised by her parents. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with people who choose to work, honestly, but for us it just made more sense for me to be at home.

But living on one income, although it's a decent one, is still not easy. We pay our bills and we do get to enjoy eating out - mainly because it's just cheaper then trying to buy stuff to cook every night. But anything extra is well....just kinda difficult. And I tend to have a guilt complex. I feel guilty about everything - how I make people feel, saying no, and spending money. I don't contribute that much ( I make a very little bit helping my parents ministry out) and I know how much my husband hates working a 9-5 job and I just feel straight up guilty. I feel he could be doing what he loves (music) if he wasn't trying to pay bills for us. And I live with this day in and day out. I feel insanely guilty spending $5 on something. I get gas at the beginning of the week, usually just enough to be able to take Gianna back and forth to school and even though that's not even for me and a necessity I still feel awful.

I hate doing anything for myself unless I somehow come up with the money on my own which is a lot harder then it sounds. I can't seem to get my Etsy shop to do anything. I've sold a few things here and there but it's not consistent and I've been pretty much BEGGING people to buy stuff now and that's not even working so I'm giving up on that. It's not worth the time and effort I put into it. It seems like nothing is close by so it's always a ton of gas to go or do anything. Gianna's dr. and dentist are 35 minutes and an hour and 15 minutes away but we have to go to dr.'s and dentist that take her Medicaid insurance so we don't have a choice. The closest real "city" is 45 minutes away. So yeah, it's like everything constantly is just sucking money out of us when we don't have that much to begin with!

I honestly don't feel like I deserve to ever spend money on myself, at least not until I have an actual job that helps contribute to the household. I know most people view me as lazy because after all I just "sit around" at home right? Now that Gianna's in school I'm just living the high life.....not so. I mean, yeah, I do have it "easy" I guess because I do basic cleaning up, some cooking and watch Gianna when she's home but I feel guilty for that. I really can't wait to move and get a job just so this enormous weight of guilt will be taken off of me or at least relieved a bit.

I am supposed to go get my hair cut Monday but I'm honestly thinking about canceling because I just can't justify driving the 45 minutes to my hair dresser and paying for the cut. It just seems like an unnecessary expense that I can't mentally justify.

Does anyone else deal with this or am I just weird and need to go see someone for help! Lol!