Settled.

“The question for each man to settle is not what he would do if he had means, time, influence, and educational advantages, but what he will do with the things he has.” - Hamilton Wright Mabie

This past year I have felt very unsettled. That's the only word I know to describe it. I wasn't really unhappy, in fact, for the most part I was very happy with life and how things were going. Don't get me wrong, there can always be improvement and there seems to always be a "need" that isn't quote fulfilled, etc. But something just didn't feel right, it didn't feel whole. And I prayed and prayed for the "thing" that I felt I was missing. The thing my heart was aching for. I was just so sure God was going to answer my prayer by Christmas. Truly. I spent my whole year waiting for God to bust out this miracle and drop this "thing" in my lap. And it didn't happen. The closer I got to Christmas and it was very obvious this thing wasn't going to happen I went through a bit of a depression over it. I felt so disappointed, so frustrated with God. I mean, He's the one that planted this seed in my heart so why didn't He deliver? Although I know that God knows even more than I do that we aren't quite in the right place I still wanted it to happen. BEGGED for it to happen. But it didn't. And then I stopped praying for it to happen. I felt guilty. Like I was bailing on my part of the mission or something. But I realized that maybe I wasn't praying right. And instead I started asking God to please give me peace. To help me not give up but to feel settled until the time was right. Because it was really causing some issues - as crazy as it sounds this idea was consuming me. I thought about it in every situation, in every place, in every moment it seemed. My heart felt SO burdened. I felt so alone in. Right before Christmas I asked a wonderful friend of mine....someone I respect SO much spiritually, someone I know is a prayer warrior....I asked her to share my "burden". To help me pray, to help me petition God so to speak. And it's been so nice, I don't feel like I'm battling for this alone. And the other day I suddenly realized that I felt settled. I felt peace. I felt joy. I'm still praying, I'm still hoping, I still want.....but I know that when the time is right it will happen. When everyone involved is ready to step aboard and carry their part then this thing will take flight and when it does my heart will soar with it! But until then I will be settled. I let me heart rest and my mind find peace. I will soak up the moments that are now because they will change and they will be gone. And what a waste to let those pass by because I'm unhappy with how things are at the moment.....so my "word" for 2012 is settled.