Monday, December 5, 2011

Obsessive Visionary

In January of this year God gave me a vision for our family. And I do not say that lightly. I'm not one to run around saying "God told me....". I see way too many people doing that and 1. it's not God or 2. They never act on it and then people are left wondering if it was God at all. And I know it was God because it just wasn't something I'd ever come up with on my own! It wasn't something I ever thought I'd consider or think about in my future or our future. I spent almost an entire month agonizing over it to be honest. Trying to "figure it out" in my mind because that's how I am. I want to have a complete plan in place before I even utter it to anyone. After that month I finally built up the courage to talk to my husband about it. I remember being so nervous and almost on the verge of tears bringing it up. He was very receptive to what I had to say and I left it at that, for awhile. But the seed was planted and it was growing in my heart and I couldn't shake it.

Here's the thing - once I open my heart to an idea, vision, person, etc. I can get almost obsessive. No one else may see it but I'll think about it, day dream about it if you will. And this vision has grown and grown - I think about it constantly, imagine what our lives will be like once we start down the path towards it, how we'll get there, how others will react, how we'll react.......

To be honest, when I first started envisioning this I really expected us to be farther on the journey by this point. I didn't realize that just because I felt so strongly about it didn't mean everyone else would. Or that the time wasn't right then. I didn't think that almost an entire year later it would still be a dream, still something I am carrying around almost alone (I've shared my vision with very few choice people so far.). There are days I think about it and I get discouraged. I get angry with God (yes, sometimes I get mad at God!) because He hasn't made it happen yet. How could He give me this dream and desire and then just make me wait with it burning inside me? Doesn't seem fair. And I've spent far more time trying to figure out a way to make it happen then I have praying that God would start moving. I'm afraid I'll mess it up, I don't know when it's the right time to take the first step. Things don't seem "right" for it to happen, things are perfect & in order, we don't have everything we need to see it through. But then again, does God ever ask you to do something when everything seems to be there and in order? We wouldn't need to trust Him if that way the case. Don't get me wrong, you can't jump blindly into something and just hope it all works out. There is preparation that has to be done but when is that period over? When is it time to start taking steps?

I have let visions die before. I've let them go because I didn't know how to make them happen and I guess I wasn't mature enough in my faith to trust God to make them happen. Up until now there hasn't been anything in my life that I've had to have HUGE amounts of faith for. Don't get me wrong, we have to trust God and have faith daily in day to day things. We have been on the edge many times and had to trust that God was going to come through for us and He always had but it hasn't been for anything that I honestly viewed as all but impossible. I'm scared that I'll miss out because I don't know how to take the first step or I'm waiting for someone else to lead me.

For now I'm an obsessive visionary. I'm obsessing over my vision and I want so badly to be able to share it with everyone, to start the journey and be making strides towards it no matter how small they may seem at first. I want so badly to be working towards it. For now I feel stuck. And to be honest it puts me in a bad mood some days, I don't want it to because it's a beautiful vision full of joy and hope but the waiting is killing me! I'll keep day dreaming and waiting....I hope that in another year I'm not writing another post similar to this one. I hope I'm not saying "I'm still day dreaming...." I guess that's what scares me the most.....I don't want to see this vision die because I wasn't brave enough to step up and claim it because circumstances and life didn't seem right yet. If I wait for that I may be waiting a looonnnggg time!

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