Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Straight Up

I am doing my very best to choose happiness lately. Benjamin and I have both been working on staying positive no matter how negative things and people around us are. We fail. Don't think we just decided that and now we're perfectly happy people. But it does help. Trying to make a conscience effort to think about the good and focus on getting out of the bad. And it seems lately we've had A LOT of practice. It feels like every time we turn around there is something else in our faces to deal with. We are trying to focus on the things we do have, the family that does love us and care enough to be apart of our lives, how far we've come and how happy we truly are with each other. These are things that I'm grateful for and focusing on this Thanksgiving.

Besides the issues with vehicles and finances we seem to be dealing with an overwhelming amount of confrontation and issues with family. Again, neither of us come from perfect families, but lately things just seem to be spinning out of control. We have family members on his side that won't speak to us because we're "too spiritual", everything we say and do they twist and try to turn into a fight and still other members on his side that think we aren't spiritual enough and want nothing to with us. We've expressed some concerns to another family member and their way of dealing with it is by cutting us off as well and rarely seeing us. It's hard for me because family is such an important thing for me. And I want Gianna to know family but not at the expense of stress and frustration like Benjamin and I have dealt with over the years.

My side of the family has their issues as well - don't get me wrong, we have some family members on my side that we love to death and we know they'd do anything for us and we know they love and respect us for who we are, where we are right now. My mom has never liked my husband - she was dead set against us getting married. And even now, 7 years later, she still doesn't care for him. They are cordial to each other but things are always strained. And that's hard for me, I feel divided in some ways. But ultimately my allegiance and love is with my husband first and it will always be that way. I have other family members who are quick to jump on me if I say anything about anyone yet all they do is run down everyone ALL the time. And I think I've finally snapped. I'm sick of their hypocritical behavior and I'm not going to let it drag me down anymore. Benjamin and I have decided that we aren't going to pretend we like people we really don't! Lol! We aren't going to run their names in the mud or anything but we just don't care to be friends or close to them.

On top of all of this I recently had a family member who took it upon themselves to let me know they felt that because of my love for the Twilight series that I had opened myself up and "delved" into "witchcraft and sorcery." When I received the email (yes, they emailed me this!) I was shocked! Shocked that people actual felt this way over a love story and that they actually had the guts to pretty much tell me they thought I was into witchcraft over it. Seriously?!! And first it pissed me off, BIG time. Now, I find it funny! Funny that this person thinks they are so spiritual and think they have the right to call me out on something so minor. They're ok with Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia which involved magic, spells and " unearthly creatures" but Twilight's too far. They even included some scriptures - scriptures that were written to real witches and sorcerers, people who were worshipping Satan and sacrificing babies and children. These scriptures were taken way out of context and used to "make their point". We are Christians, we loved Jesus and we serve Him daily in the best way we know how. And for someone that I loved and trusted to come against me and my family in such a vicious way was just too much. I'm not going to fight with them. I expressed my point, they emailed me back and said "No matter what you say you are wrong." Lol! Mmmm, hmmm. Right. So anyway, I feel like there is alot of emotional turmoil going on. I want to do what is right but at the same time I'm tired of being walked on and kicked around just because I try to be the "peace maker" and keep my mouth shut 90% of time.

In spite of everything I actually feel fairly settled. I feel like I've let these people know how I feel and that's it. I'm not going to take their crap just to keep the "peace". I want everyone to get a long but that seems to be an impossible request so I just roll with it as it goes. I'm happy to say though that in the midst of all of this I think it's brought Benjamin and I closer and we understand each other better then ever. And we realize that we want to raise our daughter in a home where we aren't phony. Where we don't pretend to like people or agree with them on the outside and then bash them later on. It creates a negative atmosphere that we don't need.

So this year I'm thankful for a honest, strong, dependable, trust worthy husband. I'm thankful for an innocent daughter whose love is unconditional and whose energy is boundless! I'm thankful for people who are real and who show the true essence of who God is. I'm thankful for the strength I'm finding to stand up for myself and my family after I long time of just "taking it." And I'm thankful for the future ahead of me and my family - there are some exciting things ahead and I'm eagerly awaiting them. I feel the anticipation in the air!!!


  1. hey hun.
    thanks for your honesty.
    i totally get the family drama. seems that we have that all the time. there is stuff going on with one of my brothers right now that breaks my heart. sometimes it seems like we are falling apart.
    and as for money, i totally get that too. hubs and i work so hard to get ahead but sometimes it feels like we can barely pay our bills.
    and hey, we don't have a car either. :) borrowing my sister's since she is living in mexico.
    wow. we have a lot in common. :) thanks for your honesty. thanks for sharing your heart.
    praying for God's grace in your daily lives.

  2. Girl........
    W...T...F!? Twilight is evil?? Hahaha now THAT is just absurd that someone would even go to that level. WOW! I am so sorry! Family divide is the worst feeling ever.

    Im just gonna throw this out there... if you ever decide to move to Utah, you know you will have a definite friend :)!

    Oh and in case you didnt get it.. that friend is me :)

    Keep your head up girl and keep smiling cuz you and your family are beautiful and ultimately the only people you need in your life

  3. wowza. that's a whole lotta ish going on. You are so right though...you and your little family come first. No one can rain on your parade! Hope everyone can start feeling the love though! xoxo

  4. Thank you all for your sweet words! That's why I love this little blog - even when I'm feeling totally as low as you can go there are encouraging people who take the time to actually encourage someone else. It will all work itself out at some point, I hope. But I guess I'm just at the point where it's not fair for everyone else to say what's on their mind and then I'm not supposed to. I feel like I'm finally learning to be an "adult" and stand up for what I know is right even when I'm told I'm wrong!

  5. Keep your head up girl! You have got it so right... your sweet little family is what matters most! But I definitely hope everything gets worked out and love starts flowing again!

    p.s. Your the prettiest mama ever...and have such an adorable little family :)

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  7. Wow. I can't even IMAGINE what it's like for you not having family on your side and being supportive of you guys. That deeply saddens me. I hope that through these challenges that you and your hubby can cling onto God and be faithful. He will get you through this...I know it's cliche, but the saying is true. "If God brings you to it, He can get you through it."

    My heart and prayers go out to you girl. I am so sorry that you're going through all of this.

  8. Thank you, Kasey. We are doing our best to remain faithful because we know He'll see us through to the other side. But going through it is never fun!