I've talked about it at length at different points but I've struggled with some friendships over the past year - it's hard because these were people I loved and trusted and letting them go was hard but the right thing for me to do because they weren't bringing me up but rather pulling me down. But I often go back and forth in my head wondering if I should have done things differently or tried harder to be a different kind of friend, etc. It's hard because I do desire friendship, don't get me wrong, I have friends - friends I love but I don't have anyone that I'm really close to other then family and my hubby and daughter. Perhaps that's enough and for the moment I'm doing my best to find contentment in the place I'm at right now. But sometimes I question.....
I feel guilty sometimes because not only did ending those friendships lose friends for me but also for my daughter - because we aren't involved in a daycare or any kinda of extra curricular activities (at least not yet) Bug doesn't have many friends. Her only friend really is a her cousin who lives 6 hours away. She LOVES going to visit and having someone to play with and enjoy things with. Yesterday when we were getting ready to out Trick or Treating Bug asked who else was going - last year we went with friends and she had a friend go too. I told her no one, just us. She sighed and said "Maybe when I get bigger I'll have friends". It absolutely broke my heart! I'm so eager for her to start school just so she has interaction with other children, she is so hungry for fellowship with children her age. One of the biggest reasons I attempted to resurrect some friendships was because I knew how much my friends children meant to Bug and I hated to take them away from her but I found that immaturity on the parents parts didn't allow for that.
But yesterday while we were in the Jeep headed home Beej was playing his iPod and he just has iTunes auto fill it alot so we get all sorts of random stuff out of his iTunes. It's cool because you hear stuff you might not pick on your own and then sometimes we get stuff I'd rather not hear! Lol! But occasionally we'll get little clips from sermons from a church near us - usually I gripe about it because I want to hear music but both times this has happened recently it has been something I needed to hear. And yesterday was no different!
The preacher was talking about friendship and relationships and about something that Bishop T.D. Jakes said that change his life and his view on relationships forever. I listened with an eager heart and what he said was so true, probably something I already knew but something my heart and head needed to be reminded of.
He said, "Some relationship in life are meant to be cut off and removed, some are for a season or temporary and some are permanent. Those that need to be cut off, once removed, will bring you closer to God. Those that are for a season are to teach you something in that moment and those that are permanent are meant to bring stability to your life. But if we choose to hold onto relationships that need to be cut off then we are taking ourselves out of God's perfect plan for us, if we try to make seasonal relationships permanent we will experience conflict and strife and if we try to cut off relationships that are meant to be permanent we will miss out......"
It's hard for me to realize that some relationships and friendships are seasonal, I want them all to be permanent. It's hard for me to let go even if I know it's the best thing. But I have seen how much more fruitful my life has been since removing some relationships. Does that mean they were all bad? Absolutely not, for a season those friendships were very much needed and loved in my life. If nothing else they taught me to be a better friend, an honest friend - maybe that was preparing me for a more long term friend down the road. Who knows? But I have to remember that God has my best interest in mind - He hasn't forgotten me or the desires of my heart!