Haven't we all thought it or felt it at some point? That we are alone? That we must be the ONLY person in the world who feels the way we do at that moment. We are full of self pity. At least I know I am. I am much better at sympathizing with myself then I ought to be. I have up's and down's just like everyone else does. There are days I feel amazing, full of life, energetic and ready to go for anything! Then one little thing can completely change all of that. It's sad, I know. I wish I was in better control of my emotions and thought process. But I'm not and that's just the way it is, at least for the moment. I can feel positive and yet negative about the same thing. And I isolate myself because I feel like I'm the only person who ever feels that way. I feel like if I can't get it together then what worth do I have?
I don't feel like I have much purpose some days. Yes, I know that truly I do have a purpose but it seems I have constantly searching for it still. I do not feel satisfied in life yet I do not know how to quench that unsatisfied thirst. I'm not even sure what I long for? What do I thirst for? I have not found my complete soul's worth in what I am at this moment. I do believe that who I am now - a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister.......it all helps make up my complete purpose but it hasn't been completed yet.
Am I alone in this? I feel I am.
I have interests, I have hobbies but I do not know how to make any of them into a career or into something that will make me somebody. I don't feel like I am truly good enough at anything to be someone in that area. Sure, I sing a little, I play a little, I write a little, I work out....more then a little, but still. None of these things are good enough to make me someone or complete me. Or do they? Am I already complete and don't know it yet? Am I searching for something I've already found?
My mind wonders.
I feel good about who I'm becoming, then I stop to think....who am I becoming? Do I even know? I feel like my life is passing my by very quickly and I can't stop it. I keep grasping at things as they fly past me but I can't get a grip on any of them. Some leave light fragrances in my hand, others tear at me and leave me wounded. But for the speed in which they past I can not see which should be touched and which should be left alone. So I feel that sometimes I am missing out on what I should be holding on to because I am too busy trying to heal the wounds of things I have made mistakes in.
It is a bitter cycle.
It seems to be unending.
Will my purpose just fall out of the sky at me one day? Will I be able to see it coming and catch it? Or will it pass me by while I'm looking the other way?
I keep waiting.