Friday, July 23, 2010

Shame on you for thinking you're alone....

Haven't we all thought it or felt it at some point? That we are alone? That we must be the ONLY person in the world who feels the way we do at that moment. We are full of self pity. At least I know I am. I am much better at sympathizing with myself then I ought to be. I have up's and down's just like everyone else does. There are days I feel amazing, full of life, energetic and ready to go for anything! Then one little thing can completely change all of that. It's sad, I know. I wish I was in better control of my emotions and thought process. But I'm not and that's just the way it is, at least for the moment. I can feel positive and yet negative about the same thing. And I isolate myself because I feel like I'm the only person who ever feels that way. I feel like if I can't get it together then what worth do I have?
I don't feel like I have much purpose some days. Yes, I know that truly I do have a purpose but it seems I have constantly searching for it still. I do not feel satisfied in life yet I do not know how to quench that unsatisfied thirst. I'm not even sure what I long for? What do I thirst for? I have not found my complete soul's worth in what I am at this moment. I do believe that who I am now - a daughter, a wife, a mother, a all helps make up my complete purpose but it hasn't been completed yet.
Am I alone in this? I feel I am.
I have interests, I have hobbies but I do not know how to make any of them into a career or into something that will make me somebody. I don't feel like I am truly good enough at anything to be someone in that area. Sure, I sing a little, I play a little, I write a little, I work out....more then a little, but still. None of these things are good enough to make me someone or complete me. Or do they? Am I already complete and don't know it yet? Am I searching for something I've already found?
My mind wonders.
I feel good about who I'm becoming, then I stop to think....who am I becoming? Do I even know? I feel like my life is passing my by very quickly and I can't stop it. I keep grasping at things as they fly past me but I can't get a grip on any of them. Some leave light fragrances in my hand, others tear at me and leave me wounded. But for the speed in which they past I can not see which should be touched and which should be left alone. So I feel that sometimes I am missing out on what I should be holding on to because I am too busy trying to heal the wounds of things I have made mistakes in.
It is a bitter cycle.
It seems to be unending.
Will my purpose just fall out of the sky at me one day? Will I be able to see it coming and catch it? Or will it pass me by while I'm looking the other way?
I keep waiting.

1 comment:

  1. I feel that way too sometimes, Alaythea. I feel as though time just keeps on passing me by and I haven't grown like I should've or that I haven't really made a difference or found out completely who I am yet in life. I'd struggled with that a lot last year, but now I am beginning to see that being a daughter, sister, girlfriend, piano teacher, occasional inspirational writer, and Preschool worker is not enough on it's own....but being a Daughter of the King is what truly makes me worthy and purposed.

    I may not know what I will do tmrw, next week or next year, and I may not understand why the Lord has me working at a Preschool and teaching piano lessons currently, but I know that every moment is purposed.....every moment...even the seemingly mundane...the seemingly still, quiet and insignificant.

    I am coming to the realization that there are seasons in our life for a reason...that there is freedom in having my identity be CHRIST, and CHRIST ALONE!

    When I feel less than or unfulfilled or like I cannot grasp my pity filled self or wild emotions (and believe you me I am one emotional gal....momma, daddy or Jared can attest to that one!) I find the best place to find purpose and peace from all emotional stress is in the Word, in prayer and in a quiet moment where you see nothing but beauty and potential within yourself because Christ is in you.

    I think that sometimes we have a hard time glimpsing what the Lord has purposed us to do for ourselves.... Look at yourself Alaythea.... God has gifted you with many things and many people, a circle of influence, time to use to His glory that is not bound at a workplace currently, a daughter to teach how to live as Christ, a husband to hold and love you no matter what the world throws at you, a family who loves you, and who needs their daughter and sister...and a friend to me! :) You have a purpose...many to give! It may not be what you thought your purpose would be in life, but the Lord will keep on working through you into other people's lives even if you don't see it.

    I have to trust that where I am now in my life is where the Lord wants to be....He also knows that He has made me a little 'emotional baggage case' so He must know how to handle me right!? lol

    I hope I didn't bore you with my loooong comment! Just know that I feel the way you do ALL THE TIME. You have to choose how you look at what 'purpose' truly is, friend.

    Love to you today,