Monday, July 12, 2010

My heart is heavy.....

" My heart is heavy,
I can't begin to breathe,
Forget we saw this coming,
and that we prepared our heads.
It's so different,
when you face what you dread."

I can't hardly get my protein shake down this morning. It seems so thick and tasteless.....I can't make my heart stop aching. I can't stop the tears that just seems to spill over unexpectedly every few minutes. I feel like I can't breathe very well, my heart seems so, so heavy. I hear my daughter's laughter in the living room as she chases the cat but even that isn't lifting my spirits right now.....
My 82 year old grandmother was hospitalized last night. Honestly, she goes to the hospital a lot. She's older and frail and she gets sick easily. I figured this was just another routine stay and she'd be home before we all knew it. I wasn't worried, I was praying for her but not worried. She's been through so much and come through with flying colors. She's had cancer, bypass surgery on her heart, her kidney's have failed and she's been on dialysis for awhile......I just figured she'd be ok. But they called this morning and she's unconscious and on a ventilator. She didn't want to be on one she said before but no one wants to actually take her off because it's the end and we all know it. We've known it was coming, we've talked about it, mentally prepared ourselves for it but nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you to say goodbye to someone who has been there all your life. Someone who has loved you unconditionally, been apart of some many events in life - who even at the age of 82 has remembered every birthday and never forgot anyone's Christmas gift. I don't to say goodbye. I don't know that I can. All I can do is just cry....and cry....and then cry so more. Usually crying purges the soul and the mind but today mine can't get rid of the blackness that's taken residence there. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want to let her go either - I know she'll be in a better place but I don't want her to go. My heart aches for my daddy, I don't want to see him hurt. He'll miss her so much....and my Papa, he'll be lost without her. My heart breaks even more for them then it even does for myself. Gianna won't remember her.....she's too little and that makes me so sad. I want her to know how great she is, how funny, how smart. Her love for creating things and making things, her love for football especially Alabama football. What will Christmas be like without her? I can't breathe......I'm so overwhelmed, my mind can't comprehend.....
This is only the second close family member I've ever lost.....I don't know how to deal with it.
Perhaps there is a miracle waiting in the corner of Heaven for us - maybe we won't have to say goodbye just yet. There is always hope until the very last. I keep hanging on to that small golden thread.

" Life on earth is changing,
Life on earth is ending.
And time on earth is ending,
time on earth is changing."


  1. Granny is on a dad and my aunt will decide later this morning to take her off officially. The dr.'s say it's unlikely she will wake up at all but if she did she would have permanent brain damage. No one wants to make that official call. There is a lot of stress on my dad right now. He's their only son, his oldest sister is very sick herself right now and on chemo. So all the responsibility falls on him and his other sister. He also has to take care of his dad who is in the beginning of Alzheimer's and is kinda in and out as far as what he comprehends and doesn't.....please pray for strength, and wisdom.

  2. I will be praying for you and your whole family. I know that 'blackness' and it's not easy but the Lord will take all things into His hands and He will give you the strength to learn how to deal no matter what the outcome of your wonderful Granny is. I lost my great grandma Ruby a few years back...and like you and your fam...we all knew her passing was drawing near. It wasn't easy losing her, but I knew that the 'darkness of mind and heavy heart' would pass...because I knew great grandma Ruby is now in Jesus' arms. Praying......

  3. Alaythea, I know how hard this must be for you right now. I have lost many family members in my life time and have attented way too many services than I wish I had to do. But the most pressing on my mind is my mother, I lost her almost 2 years ago. She was my rock and life is so hard without her to this day. I understand you not wanting to say goodbye and I can tell you I never did to my mom. Not because I didn't have the chance, but because I chose to instead just tell her I Love her and that I would see her again. I know how hard is it to see fmaily suffer thru pain and also know that the end may be close. But it never gets easier to release them. When you love somebody with all your heart you can't help but think what you would do for just one more day. It's easy to be selfish in those ways even though we know they are suffering. My grandmother is also in the hospital right now and in a whole lot of pain. The hardest thing to do is just sit and watch and know you can't do anything to ease them or some that may be even closer to them. As you know your family needs you, just be there for them as I know you are. I pray for her recovery and health and well-being and for your family! Take care of yourself!

  4. I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry...