" My heart is heavy,
I can't begin to breathe,
Forget we saw this coming,
and that we prepared our heads.
It's so different,
when you face what you dread."
I can't hardly get my protein shake down this morning. It seems so thick and tasteless.....I can't make my heart stop aching. I can't stop the tears that just seems to spill over unexpectedly every few minutes. I feel like I can't breathe very well, my heart seems so, so heavy. I hear my daughter's laughter in the living room as she chases the cat but even that isn't lifting my spirits right now.....
My 82 year old grandmother was hospitalized last night. Honestly, she goes to the hospital a lot. She's older and frail and she gets sick easily. I figured this was just another routine stay and she'd be home before we all knew it. I wasn't worried, I was praying for her but not worried. She's been through so much and come through with flying colors. She's had cancer, bypass surgery on her heart, her kidney's have failed and she's been on dialysis for awhile......I just figured she'd be ok. But they called this morning and she's unconscious and on a ventilator. She didn't want to be on one she said before but no one wants to actually take her off because it's the end and we all know it. We've known it was coming, we've talked about it, mentally prepared ourselves for it but nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you to say goodbye to someone who has been there all your life. Someone who has loved you unconditionally, been apart of some many events in life - who even at the age of 82 has remembered every birthday and never forgot anyone's Christmas gift. I don't to say goodbye. I don't know that I can. All I can do is just cry....and cry....and then cry so more. Usually crying purges the soul and the mind but today mine can't get rid of the blackness that's taken residence there. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want to let her go either - I know she'll be in a better place but I don't want her to go. My heart aches for my daddy, I don't want to see him hurt. He'll miss her so much....and my Papa, he'll be lost without her. My heart breaks even more for them then it even does for myself. Gianna won't remember her.....she's too little and that makes me so sad. I want her to know how great she is, how funny, how smart. Her love for creating things and making things, her love for football especially Alabama football. What will Christmas be like without her? I can't breathe......I'm so overwhelmed, my mind can't comprehend.....
This is only the second close family member I've ever lost.....I don't know how to deal with it.
Perhaps there is a miracle waiting in the corner of Heaven for us - maybe we won't have to say goodbye just yet. There is always hope until the very last. I keep hanging on to that small golden thread.
" Life on earth is changing,
Life on earth is ending.
And time on earth is ending,
time on earth is changing."