Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I am truly confused. My emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, everything has seemed like a whirl wind in my head lately. I am realizing that I am getting older, no, I'm not old, but I'm getting older and honestly, that scares me. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up and be 40 and still be wondering what my life is going to be or what I'm going to do with it. I wish I could be satisfied with what I am and where I am. But I'm not, the flip side of that is I don't know how to change things or make them any different. I guess that's where I get so frustrated. I feel stuck yet I don't want to be. I don't find complete satisfaction in who I am. I am still struggling with me. I am jealous of women I see who are completely happy with themselves. They like the way they look, they like what they do, they like their position in life. I wish I was satisfied with JUST being a wife and a mother but I'm not. I feel like there is something else in life for me but in all honesty I'm scared to step out and find it. I have ideas but nothing feels exactly right....I don't have the motivation to make any of it happen it seems. I lack the drive and I think that's what scares me most of all. Because I know if nothing happens with my life it's all my fault. Period. I don't want my daughter growing up with a mom who has no direction or purpose in life. I keep trying to take little steps here and there in directions I think I might want to go but I'm still just so unsure. It's even more complicated once you factor in a husband and a child, a family. It's one thing to be confused and searching on your own but when ever decision you make effects two other people it makes deciding even scarier and harder. I want to be passionate about something but I can't find that "thing" that I'm passionate about. I love music but I don't seem to have what it takes to make it as a musician/songwriter/singer, I love fitness but I'm not fit enough or consistent enough with eating right and really pushing myself to do anything in the fitness world (or so I feel), I love to scrapbook but again, how am I supposed to make a career out of that exactly? I'm not a sales person, I don't like to try and sale things to people.....grrrrrr!!! I am trying to further myself musically but this week even that is overwhelming me. Every time I sit down to practice I just wanna cry....I know, sounds ridiculous but I'm stressing myself out mentally and I don't even know why. I start writing songs and at first I think they are pretty good but the more I play them and the more I try to complete them the more I hate them. Lol! I just don't know....and then I start wondering if I'm a good mom. Am I doing all I should be for my child? Am I doing what I am doing right? I struggle - I do lose my patience with her sometimes, I try not to but my stress over flows sometimes. Mental stress I put on myself. I know Gianna loves me but I'm so afraid I'm going to do or say something that's going to totally mess up my relationship with her. I'm scared that I'm going to do something wrong with her.......I am confused, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed. What does the future hold and what am I supposed to contribute to it?

1 comment:

  1. hey, I felt the same way a couple years ago. I feel so fulfilled now that I have found photography. Finally, something I'm good at that I love to do! God has created you for a purpose, pray and ask Him to help you find what that purpose is. By the way, people do scrapbooking for other people. I have a friend on Facebook who charges $25 a page to scrapbook for other people. You might want to look into it!