Sunday, February 19, 2012

Standing Up For Myself

My husband and I "recently" made a choice to eliminate drama in our lives. To be honest that is far easier said than done. It seems like every time I turn around their is an opportunity to start it or be apart of it. And I can't say in all honesty that sometime my human nature doesn't want to "push some buttons" just because I can. But I've really been trying to stay away from that and just focus on peace. That doesn't mean you let people walk all over you just to keep them "happy". I've been doing that for quite some time. I know things that will set them off or upset them or make them mad so I just avoid those things. Not because what I'm doing is wrong but because they are overly sensitive or always on edge and I just don't want to deal with their drama. So I keep my mouth shut, let them have their way and just push down my own hurt that their actions cause.

My husband is the opposite, in a very good way. He stands up for what he believes and he's not afraid to tell people when they are wrong. I admire that so much in him and I desperately want to be able to do that. I'm a little better but I still shrivel up in fear and guilt when I have to confront someone or disagree with them. Mainly because it's never one of those "agree to disagree" things. It's always me saying what I think and then getting a "Well, you are wrong." shoved down my throat. I know it's not right, I know those people aren't right yet something in me cowers to them and I hate that so much about myself.

There is a HUGE difference between keeping the peace and there actually being peace. And that is one thing my hubby has really helped me realize. Just because I keep my mouth shut and walk on egg shells around certain people doesn't mean there is peace between us. Because just as soon as something doesn't go their way they are all up in arms and cramming their opinions, attitudes and drama down my throat. And I'm tired of the stress of it. The good times that we may have when I'm tip toeing around them isn't worth their mess when I decide to just be me. I'm tired of being told that every move I make it wrong. So instead I'm having to shut some people out of my life. It's hard because some of these people I care about but at the same time the stress and pain they cause me isn't worth it. I'd rather live in true peace by just not having them in my life.

It feels harsh, I still struggle with it. I want to be the one that apologizes (even though I'm not the one who did anything wrong or started anything) and crawls back simply to "keep the peace". But I know deep down that's doing nothing but giving them even more leeway to walk all over me and control my life.

There is a time to be corrected, their is a time to learn from others. But those people aren't the ones who complicate and belittle your life. Just because someone doesn't "learn" from you doesn't mean they aren't teachable. Maybe what you are teaching they don't want to learn! Lol! I'm having to learn that standing up for myself or my husband or my daughter doesn't mean I have to be ugly but doing so may cause some ugly reactions from people who want to control you. You'll find out that people aren't nearly as sweet, kind or loving when they don't feel like they have control over you anymore. Suddenly you aren't the "person they thought you were" and they are done. When that happens I immediately start questioning myself - did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? And I'm very glad I have my husband to help me find a balance. If I'm wrong than I'm pretty sure my husband would kindly tell me so but he's also there to help me realize when I'm right. Just because someone reacts badly doesn't mean you handled it badly or did the wrong thing.

Stand up for myself is hard. Even when I know I'm doing the right thing. There are just certain people who can make me feel like I'm worthless for the choices I've made even though those choices have ended up being beautiful things in my life. And I'm learning that my worth is in God and not in their view point of me. My worth is in the eyes and heart of my husband. It's in the love and admiration of my daughter. And in those things I have to find the strength to stand up for myself and the Truth I believe I am living. Not in the words of those trying to tear me down.

I don't have it down, I still struggle but I'm trying hard and realizing it is an issue for me and it's something I have to work harder on than some might.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel! I also need to make some of these changes in my life, but I'm too scared to do so as I am afraid of certain people's reactions.. even though their actions and reactions are the reason these friendships need to go! :P

    - Felicity. x