Living in reality.

When I first got married I felt all alone. My family wasn't supportive, I didn't really have many friends (ok, well, any besides my co-workers), we were living in a different state then my family and my husband's. I honestly never planned to have children, ever. I grew up with four younger siblings and I babysat and took care of them and by the time I was married I was done with babies and little kids! Then I got pregnant......I was in shock and had no clue what to expect. Now I felt even more alone - none of my friends were married much less having their first kid. The next year and a half was a whirlwind. I was so sick through the first part of my pregnancy, then I had a c-section because she was breech, four weeks after my c-section I had emergency gallbladder surgery. Gianna wasn't a bad baby but I'm pretty sure was having some postpartum blues going on and was just too busy to deal with it. She also had an extremely hard time adjusting to a formula and spent a lot of time constipated and miserable and super gassy. So needless to say the thought of ever having another kid sounded like pure torture to me. I was on the pill for the first time and I was miserable and sick. I had packed on weight like crazy and I was done! So I had my tubes tied. It was free through Family Planning here in our state and I was thrilled. And I've not regretted it once until last year. In January of last year I got baby fever in a severe way. It's all I could think about, dream about.....I was enthralled with babies in the store, pictures of babies, baby names, etc. I spent a lot of last year so mentally depressed because I knew I'd never ever get to have a baby again. I'd never hold a sweet little baby and call it mine. I also felt like I had really done my daughter an injustice by not allowing her the privilege of having a sibling. When she complains about being bored or when we just need a break from entertaining her I think about how "handy" a sibling would be. My siblings were my entertainment growing up! Lol! Finally around December I started feeling like maybe I was going to be able to let go of this whole "obsession" with babies. Even though I think it's something I'll always wish for and regret but it felt more livable. And then all of a sudden my blog feed and Facebook are BLOWING UP with pregnancy announcements. Seriously, I think I know of like 20 pregnant women right now. It's insane. And all of a sudden I feel so jealous....

Here is my biggest struggle though - most of the people I know who are having kids are set financially and can afford another child. But I have several blogs I follow where there is constant complaints about barely making rent, not being able to pay certain bills, not sure how they'll make ends meet yet they are having more kids. These people would say they trust God to take care of their needs and I think He does for the most part. We are in no position to afford another child. We do ok on what my hubby makes but there isn't a lot of wiggle room. Having another child would be so wonderful but it's just wouldn't be wise on our part. I struggle with thinking are we just not trusting enough of God? Or are we being sensible and smart and they aren't? I don't want to judge them, I just wonder, ya know. I know it's different for everyone....some people are more willing to live on less or are ok with things being tight. I know that my hubby and I don't handle stress well and another child would just put even more stress on us. Yet sometimes my heart aches because I feel like our family isn't complete....and I know it probably never will be. And I have to learn to be ok with that.

Now isn't a good time anyway - we have so much up in the air about where we are moving and what we are going to do come summer. We really need me to be working so that we can afford to purchase a second vehicle and just afford living in general.

It's hard to be sensible and responsible all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just live a little more risky and just do things I want to do. But my mind shuts down my heart and lives in "reality." Plan and simple. Life doesn't always seem fair, not everyone seems "wise" but it's our job to live out our lives the best we can.

(On a another "sad" note - my little girl will be 5 in less than two months. Cuh-razy.)