Luckily, my tubes are tied or I might have done something stupid! Lol! And my hubby, who is always the voice of reason, convinced me that even if we were able to now was most certainly not the time. And to be honest, I don't know that there is ever the perfect time to have a child or a second one. I think we probably would have spent the rest of our lives waiting for the perfect time if it hadn't happened "accidentally" for us. Was it the ideal time? Abso-freakin'-lutely NOT! But we made it work and in the end it's been a beautiful part of our lives.
I think maybe I was just scared about really losing Gianna's babyhood/toddlerhood. She's in school full time now, she is pretty independent, I don't have to keep an eye on her every second, she self entertains, she can get basic snacks and stuff for herself, brush her own teeth, potty without my help, get dressed and undressed. When she started school I think it really scared me. Suddenly I have no purpose. I've desperately looked for a job and can't seem to find one so I feel like I'm literally just wasting days away. Part of me thinks maybe my baby fever was forged in the fires of fear. Fear of this purposeless feeling.
Yet at the same time I'm so thankful that we're at this place. Even though I feel like so much of Gigi's babyhood was a blur for me it's still nice to start feeling like I have some "freedom" again. Like I said before she's really becoming kinda self reliant in a lot of ways. I can work out for an hour straight and not have to constantly stop and check on her or have her bugging me for something. It's SO much easier to talk someone into babysitting one kid versus two or three or four, etc. And it's easier to get out and do things with one not to mention cheaper.
I think I will forever remain a little torn though - mainly because I wonder how Gianna will feel never getting to experience being a big sister. Even though my sisters and I don't always get along (and sometimes never get along! Haha!) I still can't imagine not having them around. I will always wonder what our family would be like as a foursome versus a threesome. But then again, I would fear that the extra stress would mess things up. My hubby and I are so happy together right now, I like where we are at and part of me wouldn't want to mess that up.
All around me people are pregnant or having babies. I guess sometimes part of me just feels left out. I'm out of the loop now. I can't relate to growing bellies or picking out names, or the "joys" of getting up and down at night and all that jazz. Part of me doesn't want to relate but part of me just wants to feel apart of things. And as my hubby says "That is absolutely NO reason to have a kid!" Lol!