I have always had this insane desire to have a friend, a dear friend. One of those friends who is more like a sister than just a friend. Someone I could trust, someone who loved me unconditionally and didn't hold things against me when I said them or did them especially when I didn't mean them. Someone I could trust my child with and who would in turn trust her kid(s) to me, someone to do things with, go places with, hang out at my house, etc. You know, the Diana Berry of friends (if you haven't seen Anne of Green Gables you won't know who that is!). But so far, in my 25 years of life, I haven't found that. I think maybe I'm looking to hard or trying to hard. I try to make people my best friend and when it doesn't work out or they don't want to be that kind of friend back I feel completely discouraged. I think maybe it's one of those things where one day when I'm finally done trying to find that friend she'll show up and before I realize it I'll have what I've always wanted. I'm not even sure people are raised to be that kind of friend anymore. It's kinda a dog eat dog world now and everyone is always looking out for themselves rather than anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I know some great ladies but they all seem to live far away. :-(
I had a friend I met when we first moved to NC. She took me in when I knew no one. I was pretty sure she was my Diana Berry! We spent so much time together. My parents kinda thought she was a bad influence. She taught me about boy bands, boyfriends, shopping, sleeping in and the birds & the bees! We spent countless hours dreaming about life, imagining our weddings (to boy band members no less!), and planning to be friends forever. We had a lot of up's and down's. A lot of pressure from parents and other friends, etc. and we lost sight of why we liked each other in the first place. Jealousy became an issue from both of us. I guess maybe it's a "natural" thing between teen girls trying to find their place in the world. Who knows. But we grew apart and didn't speak for awhile. A few years ago we once again tried to be friends. I mean, we had grown up a lot, we were both married, each had a kid.....we had so much in common, right? But again, there were issues. I felt like she was constantly trying to out do me and in turn I felt like I had to try so hard to "match" her even though I didn't want to. And even though we had great times together suddenly things were falling apart like they did before. And I've always wondered why. What there is between us that we just can't make it work. We both liked each other a lot, we loved each other like sisters. And even after all the crap we've been through, all the crap we've said to each other out of hurt & anger - I still care about her. Deep down I wish her the best and want to see her happy. I wonder what's going on in her life. I guess maybe it'll always be that way. After all she was my best friend, and even though we may not be any more it's sorta like your first love. You never forget them even if you parted badly. We both have been in the wrong and part of me wonders about getting back in touch with her sometimes but then the other part of me is scared it will just end in a melt down and awful things being said between us......but the other part of me will always miss the good times. The laughing, the sharing, the fun. I still think of her when I see mini Snickers, Mountain Dew or Combos. I still think of her when I heard anything by the Backstreet Boys! Even though we aren't best friends now I still appreciate the good times we had together and I think I'll forever wish we could have worked out as best friends. But even though we aren't I think we'll always care about each other even if we don't want to admit it! Because sometimes you just miss old friends.