Sibling Love.

Do you remember in this post how I said I was over my baby fever? Ok, I may have lied. Well, not lied exactly. At that moment I was totally over it or so I thought. Lately my Instagram feed is blowing up with adorable photos of sweet sibling love. And I know that it's not always like that but the good times over shadow the bad ones for the most part.

I mean, I'm not super close to all my siblings. I'm obviously closer to my sisters since they were right after me. The boys not so much because I was 10 & 14 when they were born and I saw myself as their babysitter more than their sister. My relationships with my sisters has always been back and forth. It seems I'm close with one while not so close to the other one then it switches. I think as we've grown and changed it's put a different dynamic on things. But I love my sisters. And when they make me laugh or we're out having fun I forget the fights and I forget the disagreements. I wouldn't ever not want to have my sisters.

I guess as an adult I can force myself to accept the logic that a second child wasn't what we needed, it wouldn't have helped us get "ahead", it's not the right time, etc. etc. But when I look at it through the eyes of my daughter knowing she'll never know that sibling bond it sorta makes my heart hurt. There has always been a lot of sibling rivalry between my siblings and I. It's not something I want necessarily but it's just something that's always been there. I feel like we are always "fighting" for my parents attention or approval or trying to be better than the other one or out do them or whatever. And honestly I was scared the same thing would happen if I had more than one of my own.

My mom and I have always had an interesting relationship. We don't agree on a lot to be honest and I've always felt there is a strain between us. When I got pregnant I didn't want a daughter because I was so scared that would happen between me and my daughter. Now that I have a daughter I can't see that happening! And I will do ANYTHING to make sure it doesn't happen and that I'm always open to her so that hopefully she can be that way with me. I guess I felt the same about siblings. I saw all the turmoil between my siblings - not even necessarily with me all the time but between themselves. The bickering and arguing, the fighting to out do each other, etc. and I didn't ever want that to happen to Gianna so I thought it was best to just not give her siblings instead of realizing that I could raise my family differently and that I could raise my children to be best friends rather then rivals.

I also was so scared about becoming a mom in the middle of trying to figure out marriage and being a new parent that the thought of ever doing it all over again was my worst nightmare. At the time that Gi was born B and I were working through a lot. Our marriage hasn't always been perfect (ok, it's not perfect now but it's close!) and that was a very unperfect time in it. I felt like another child would just be more stress on our marriage and more strain on our finances.

I feel guilty about it a lot now. I feel like maybe I was selfish in my decision not to give Gi a sibling. And I know there are lots of "only child"(ren) out there and they are just fine but part of me is worried. I don't know that she'll ever have cousins she's super close to. She has a second cousin she loves to death but we live 6 1/2 hours from them. She won't ever be close to cousins on my husband's side and I'm not sure she'll ever have cousins on my side. In all the up's and down's I've had with friendships or lack of them and even though we don't always get along perfectly at least I know my siblings are there to fall back on. I feel like my daughter doesn't have that and it makes me sad. Every time I see her playing alone I feel awful, my siblings were my playmates growing up. I never remember not having my sister, Charity, to play with. She was my best friend growing up. And part of me really regrets that Gi will never have that.

I miss having a little one around. Gianna is so much fun and I love her to pieces. She's becoming almost a little friend for me. She's almost 5 and I pretty much have to make her food and that's about it now....or so it feels like. I miss having her around while she's at school. She's been home almost all week and even though I hate the circumstances (her being sick) I've loved having her around all day again and taking her to run errands with me, etc. I never thought I wanted to be a mom and I've always said that but now I realize I do love being a mom and even though it tries my patience at times I wouldn't trade it. And part of me is so sad that it's "over" - sure, I've got at least 13 more years before Gi's gone or moving out or whatever but knowing I'll never be the mom of a baby again is really hitting me. I guess I've closed a chapter that I wish I hadn't closed but there's no going back now.....

I've heard the quote "Never regret anything because at one point it was everything you wanted." and I keep trying to remind myself that 4 years ago one kid was all I wanted. But it doesn't seem to be helping much. :-/ Not to mention I feel like there is no one I can relate to on this. Everyone else in the blogging world or even the "real" world has more than one or has one but is planning a second or having a second. Not one feels me on this.....