Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Mom guilt

I'm sitting here this morning with my heart and my mind in a bit of a turmoil. I'm feeling "mom guilt". I don't know if you ever feel that way but I do. I worry that I'm doing something wrong with my child and I don't even know it. What if I'm emotionally damaging her and I'm not even aware that it's happening?! I have done my best to always encourage and validate Gianna. I want her to know she is beautiful, she is smart, she is kind, she is funny, she is outgoing, she is brave. I tell her these things and I always try to encourage her to play with and make new "friends" when we are out places.

When she started school back in September of last year she was over the moon excited! I remember being so proud because she wasn't timid or shy about going. She couldn't wait. She marched into that class room on the first day, hugged us goodbye with smiles and went to put away her back pack and that was it. And she's loved school. Even now she talks about school like she loves it and she is always excited to go....until we actually get there. And suddenly, since around Christmas or so, she has gotten timid, shy and honestly, a bit fearful. She is perfectly fine on our way to school but the moment we start walking in she starts crying. And I don't mean a little sniffling and wet eyes, I mean like sobbing and pouring tears. I've tried every approach to calming her down - hugging & telling her everything's ok, ignoring it and pretending nothing is going on, even trying to be stern with her about her behavior. But NOTHING works. She wouldn't tell me why she was crying for the longest. She finally told my hubby that it's because she misses me. And while that is sweet and I'm sure there is some validity to that I don't think that's really it but she won't tell us what the real issue is. I've never forgotten her at school or even picked her up late. I've asked if one of the kids is mean to her, she says no and seems to get along with everyone and talks nice about all her little friends. Her teachers are sweet and kind to her so I don't know what the deal is.

It's not just school though. She's started doing it at nursery at church too. Even though we are literally sitting like less than 20 feet from where she is in the nursery. She's never had an issue with going up until the past few months. Now she breaks down as soon as we head into church. I am literally dreading her starting a new school this coming year because I can only imagine the break down's that are ahead of us.....

I don't think Beej has ever been intimidated or fearful of anything! Lol! Growing up I'll admit I was a bit timid but I never remember crying about anything especially in front of other people, that would have embarrassed me to death. But I'm just confused as to what's causing this. I know most people will say "oh it's just a phase" and maybe it is but I don't know how to deal with it properly.

I'm frustrated that I can't figure out what's going on and why. And I'm frustrated that I can't fix or remedy this. I'm trying so hard to be sympathetic towards her when she has these break downs but honestly it's hard for me to when from everything I've seen and heard they are uncalled for. I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated by the whole thing. I don't know if having a few months off from school this summer is going to help or magnify the problem. But at this point I dread the first day of Kindergarten.


  1. gage does this too. not at church, only at school. when he first started attending, he was fine. and then for the past couple of months when peppy drops him off it's a full scale breakdown. he clings onto peppy and breaks down into tears. it usually takes about 10 minutes before peppy can finally leave. gage loves school and is happy during the day, it's just the drop off that's so bad. he says that he misses us so much, and he carries a picture around of me and peppy in his backpack.

    i'm at a loss for what to do too, because this all came out of nowhere. i'm really concerned about kindergarten since it will be at a new school and we'll have to start from scratch.

    1. Well, honestly I'm glad to know Gianna isn't the only one. I hate it that you guys are going through it too. Someone mentioned maybe getting Gianna a piece of jewelry or a locket with our picture so she "has us with her". I guess my main concern is that I just don't want this to last - I don't want her growing up fearful and timid. I just don't know how to comfort her without feeling like I'm "playing along" so to speak. I don't want her to think she can act like this whenever and it be ok. But at the same time I don't want her to feel "alone" in this either. I guess I'm just freaking out over how to balance this thing!