There is nothing I love more than granting my daughter's requests. It makes me so happy to see her happy. Obviously sometimes I have to say no. And I know even as a child myself I thought my parents got a kick out of telling me no. But now that I'm parent myself I realize that sometimes the frustration behind the 'no' isn't because they didn't want me to ask or did love doing or buying things for me but because they were frustrated they couldn't grant my request. Whether it be money, time, etc. sometimes it has to be a no. And I hate that. I wish I could always says yes and hand over whatever my little girl's heart desires. But it's just not possible.
Today, as I was parking the car at Wal-Mart, Gianna pipes up from the back and says,
"I want a brother or sister!"
Out of no where.
She went through this about a year ago too. She kept asking for a brother or sister. Her cousin Ava, who is her age, has a little brother and at the time Gianna had been around them a bit and I think she really wanted to be a big sister too. Like Ava.
For those of you who don't know my tubes are tied. We can't biologically have any more children. At the time that Gianna was born we were really young, barely making it and the thought of "accidentally" getting pregnant and having another child was terrifying. I had two surgeries back to back, a month apart. I was an emotional wreck and being on birth control pills was making it 100% worse.
In the county we lived in, if you were over the age of 20 and already had one child you qualified for a free tubal ligation. It seemed like the perfect idea at the time. No more BC pills, no more worrying about accidentally getting pregnant. We have one kid and we were done!
It never crossed my mind that maybe one day my little girl would grow up and want a sibling. And now, now I can't give her one. I never thought I'd regret my decision to tie my tubes but I do now. Do I want to be pregnant? Not really, but I know it's worth it in the end. I feel like my husband and I are at such a better place in life and would be able to handle another baby so well. Not that we didn't enjoy Gianna as a baby but I feel like I'd enjoy another one so much more. I wouldn't be as "green" about motherhood as I was the first time around. And to see my daughter with a sweet sibling to love would probably make my heart burst with love and happiness!
People tell me, "You can have the tubal reversed" but no insurance (even if we had it.) would cover it because it's not a necessary surgery. So it would cost anywhere from $8,000-12,000 to have it reversed. So that's not really an option!
About two years ago, even before Gianna started asking for a sibling, I really felt like God placed adoption on my heart. Let me say this, in all honesty, I don't dream big. I guess I just don't have the faith yet to see far beyond where I am now. Adoption seems completely and utterly out of the question. At the time I talked to my husband about it and he said that maybe at the right time that would be something to consider.
That was two years ago and I guess I honestly don't know when the right time will be. To me there will always be reasons not to and the money it takes to adopt?! Wow. But I guess I also have seen, over and over, people pull together to raise money for adoptions so I know it can be done!
I dream of starting the process, of being approved, of meeting that sweet baby for the first time but most of all of seeing my little girl as a big sister!!
It's an overwhelming idea but one that two years later is still growing strong in my heart.
And sometimes, like today, Gianna says something that makes me realize that idea isn't as crazy as it may seem. Adoptions happen all the time, people make it happen. When you want something enough you make it happen, right?! Hopefully it'll happen.
Gianna's 5 1/2 now, to me she's the perfect age to be a big sister. She's past all the potty training, she sleeps without issues, she's becoming more and more independent around the house and taking her out places isn't a problem. And I know more than anything she'd be a sweet and loving big sister!
So who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to grant even that big request. And nothing would make me happier!