Hold my tongue....

I am still trying to learn when I need to hold my tongue and when I need to speak up. It's hard for me to decide when which is right. For the most part I hold my tongue, I don't say what's truly on my mind because I just want to keep the peace. But occasionally, if you push me far enough, I will tell you exactly what I think and why. Usually at that point I'm pretty pissed too. So you can guarantee that what I have to say isn't going to be pleasant! Over the end of this past year and the beginning of this year I had to deal with some situations where I had to decide between holding my tongue and speaking up. And I finally decided in the end to speak my mind because holding my tongue hadn't stopped the others I was dealing with from blasting me several "good ones". And it was to the point that it couldn't be ignored or passed on. It had to be dealt with. It's funny how people are so eager to dish it out but are shocked when you dish it back! I recently heard a line from a song that basically said this "Just because I'm wrong doesn't mean you're right." People assume that because you handled it wrong that it means they must have handled it right. And for the most part that's far from the truth. They probably handled it just as wrong. I've also learned this - that when you are dealing with someone who is untruthful or a back stabber they assume you are the same way. They assume that if they said what you said then it was would have "this" meaning behind it when that's not how you intended it at all. So they are convinced you meant to be ugly when you never did. And no matter how much you try to apologize or explain yourself they won't listen. They close their ears because they themselves are so deceived they can't believe that someone would actually just speak the truth to them. To me that's been THE hardest thing to deal with in friendships and relationships - people convinced you are lying no matter how truthful or open you are. That's probably what hurts the most - they can't take a compliment because they never give a truthful one themselves, they don't believe you really like them because they don't really like you but pretend to. I used to have a "friend" who would ask me when we were out shopping if something looked nice on her or if it would be cute on her and I would answer truthfully "yes" or "no". And if I said yes she NEVER got it, ever. Finally one day she told me why she thought that I was lying to her just to make her look bad!!! I was shocked! And I told her why would I do that? What does it benefit me to make you look bad in clothes? And then I realized that she had done the same to me all along - things that she thought would make me look "bad" next to her she suggested. It made her feel better about herself and so she assumed I did the same thing. She couldn't imagine that I was jealous of her because she was jealous of everyone around her. Of course, we all have something someone else wishes they had and someone else always has something we wish we had. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's time, sometimes it's motivation, sometimes it's creativity and sometimes it's as shallow as looks. People push others away because of stupid insecurities. We assume people dislike us for the same reasons we dislike ourselves and sometimes that overwhelms our ability to be a good friend. I have come to realize that some of the girls I have tried to befriend lately (and have seemingly failed....) have no all together been bad people - they've just allowed insecurities to overwhelm and take over them. To the point that they can't be sincere. And they couldn't believe that I was. I liked the girls I was friends with - we had things in common, we had some good times - sometimes I wish I had just kept a shallow friendship with them so that we could still be friends. I tried to make things "deeper" then they could go. Regardless though they had no right to do the things they ultimately did to me and I couldn't stand there and let who I am be torn down my selfishness and insecurity. No one wants it to be their fault that a relationship or friendship ends - they make up stupid reasons. They blame you for things you never said or did, they drag up small issues and make them huge. They want you to hurt as badly as they hurt. And I've been there, I've said things that I didn't truly mean just because I wanted someone to hurt just as badly as they were hurting me. It overwhelms me because I KNOW how hard I try, how sincere I try to be, how loyal I am (to a fault sometimes perhaps) and then when it comes crashing down all around me I'm shocked. I had to stop blaming myself though......if I truly know that I've done my very best to make something good out of the situation then I don't have to worry about myself. I've done my part. I recently saw one of my ex-best friends at Wal-Mart. I was behind her so she didn't see me but we were headed to the same section and I wanted so badly to show up there and to confront her. We haven't seen each other since everything went "down" between us and part of me just wanted to see how she handled it all. I wanted to say ugly things that I knew would hurt her, just like she had said some awful stuff to me but thankfully my husband was with me and he kept me from stooping to her level of things - we went the other direction and we never saw them again. Again, I am still learning when to hold my tongue and when to speak my mind and heart. Just because you don't say what needs to be said doesn't mean you've done the right thing and just because you speak doesn't make things right sometime either. But I've learned too that people who don't speak and get things off their minds and out of their hearts sometimes can't ever be truthful. They think that by pretending those feelings and ideas don't exist or by not mentioning them that they've been the bigger or better person. But in the end all it does is harbor there inside them until they can unleash it on some other undeserving person. For me, getting things out here, on my blog, in a "general" manner keeps me from saying things directly to people that might ruin my reputation or my good standing. Sometimes things just have to be said .......

"Always hold your head high, but keep your nose at a friendly level."