I'll Just Say It.....

Ok, I'll go ahead and say it although you've probably already figured it out....I have an issue with weight, I have body image issues! I will always see the negative in myself far before I see the positive. I do not have a problem with overweight people - I truly don't. I've grown up with a lot of my own family being overweight on different levels and at different times. What I have a problem with is the attitude that alot of overweight people have. If you are truly happy and healthy at the weight you are then I have nothing against that. I don't think everyone should be a size 2. I want so badly to be really healthy, I'm not yet but I keep working towards that goal daily. I want to be thin, not anorexic but comfortably thin. I don't care how many people tell me I look great the way I am, until I am at the size, weight and healthiness I want to be at no one can convince me otherwise. I get upset because I know that I was one of those people who was truly unhappy with myself but claimed it was everyone else's fault or tried to make excuses for how I was. Don't complain about your weight if you are eating crap and doing nothing. If you are happy that way then I whole heartedly support you! Just don't complain!

I get tired of overweight people constantly jumping on their "soap boxes" and dissing thinner people. They are constantly trying to justify the way they are. They call thin women names and point their fingers and claim that that's what skinny people do to them! It almost makes me laugh and makes me angry at the same time. I know a woman who is trying to lose weight right now - she's overweight and her and her whole family having been trying to eat better and get healthy. I am totally supportive, and I even expressed that to her on many occasions. But she has this habit of constantly dissing thin women. She is always justifying and celebrating big women which I don't have a problem with if it was done in the right attitude and spirit. But this is done out of jealousy and frustrations towards these people. I remember being there, I remember putting down healthy, fitter people because I was embarrassed to admit I wasn't willing to put in the work and effort it takes to be healthy and fit. It's a lot of work, a LOT of work. I don't have it down and I enjoy exchanging tips and information with other people trying to get fit. But most people get so petty about it all. They can't stand someone getting "ahead" of them in any way. So they resort to calling them names and blaming it on them instead of just admitting they just want to tear others down because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Kristen Stewart. Yes, I didn't really discover her until Twilight but I love her so much now. She seems so down to earth and even awkward sometimes - it's in that slight "imperfection" that I find her so alluring! I think she has a phenomenal figure and she can look great in grungy skinny jeans and a t-shirt and then she looks great in heels and a mini on the red carpet! I think she's a great actress and doesn't get enough credit for her talent. Seeing her always inspires me so much - seeing her last night in Eclipse has totally given me a boot in the booty to get it together again and really start working on myself again. Not letting myself get too lax! I don't believe she's a druggie - just because she's thin and has a laid back, artsy personality doesn't mean she's on drugs. She's musically talented as well and I think she's alot deeper then people think. I love it that my hubby thinks pretty highly of her too - I'm not one of those girls (anymore....) that believes my hubby should think I'm the ONLY pretty girl in the world! Get real, people. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me and thinks highly of me and finds me attractive. But if he told me he didn't find any other woman attractive I know he was lying! I know a girl who is constantly telling me how she denies telling her "significant other" that she thinks this actor or musician is cute or hot but she'll tell me and everyone else. If Beej asks me if I think a guy is good looking I'll tell him, honestly, yes or no. It helps nothing for me to pretend I don't "see" other guys! Lol! Nor does it help anything for him to pretend he doesn't see other girls. I am comfortable enough with who I am and confident enough in his love and fidelity that I don't have to worry about it!!!

Last Night.

Gianna had Butterfinger bites for breakfast, leftover from the movie last night/this morning! I'm a walking zombie at the moment just trying to sit up straight on the couch while she watches cartoons. I don't do well with late nights, probably because I've never been able to really sleep in. I woke up on my own at 8am this morning, she appeared around 8:15am. I was attempting to go back to sleep and might have been successful but I don't know. I tried napping on the couch while she watched TV but that's not really working either. I'm hoping exhaustion will just take over soon and I'll just sleep again but that will probably have to wait till after lunch when I can coax her into a nap too! I didn't get into bed till almost 4am! Whew.

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Today I'm starting a protein shake cleanse. I feel so bloated and awful after popcorn and soda last night. I usually do but for some reason it sounds like a good idea at the time. Plus my skinny jeans were a little snug right out of the dryer last night and that made me nervous. I freaking out that I'm gaining weight back and since I refuse to let that happen it's now time to take action! So after three days of this cleanse I'll go back to my strict diet and hopefully drop another 5lbs or so. At least. I'm always inspired by Bella/Kristen Stewart when I was watch Twilight, New Moon and now Eclipse. She is so amazing, so beautiful, so fit and I just love her style! So once again I am inspired to get myself back at it. I've cut out sugar on Monday but I did cheat and have one Butterfinger bite and some Coke at the movie last night. The salty popcorn got to me, I had to have something to counter it! But no excuses are good excuses so I've got to stop making them. They are what put me in the situation I was in before....and I don't want to go back to that!

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So, Eclipse, was amazing to say the least! I was pretty sure from the clips and stuff that it was going to blow New Moon out of the water and it did! I really hope they get this director to direction Breaking Dawn but as I write that I'm pretty sure I've already heard they have someone else lined up to do it. Oh, well. This guy (David Slade) did a fantastic job. The angles were really cool, he really captured the "darker" side of Eclipse. I think whoever wrote the script did an amazing job of really condensing the book down and not skipping out on much and not making you feel like the scenes were cut short - like they were in New Moon. I don't remember thinking that anything was missing last night. I'm not anti-Jacob like so many of the "Team Edward" fans are but at the same time he really comes across as a selfish little prick in Eclipse and he portrayed that very well! And Bella's sorta back and forth thing gets annoying for just a bit towards the middle of the movie but since I've read the books I know who she ultimately loves and chooses. I think one of my favorite scenes was where Bella is trying to kinda talk Edward into sleeping with her and he remains strong and tells her that is something he wants to save for marriage. I thought it was not only just a great scene but a great message as well. That is one of the biggest things that stood out to me in the whole Twilight series is how "old fashion" and gentlemanly Edward is. It kinda takes you back to a simpler time....he even says that back in his "day" things were far less complicated! Overall, I thought it was great! It was fun hearing where they put the different songs from the soundtrack in, I've been listening to it like non stop of over a week now so I would recognize the songs! So many great artists got show cased. I can't wait to go see it again! I always try to see them at least twice in theaters. You miss so much the first time although you don't realize it until you see it a second time. Plus we have to wait SO dad-gum long before Breaking Dawn comes out - November 2011? Are you serious? I'll be 25! Lord.

But I am SUPER excited about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 in November, Beej and I have watched all the others one and we are caught up now and this one looks crazy good! That series was so much better then people gave it credit for. Not nearly as childish as I assumed it would be. I'm eager to see how it all ends after so many years. Although we won't the know the complete ending until July of next year when they release Part 2.

And of course, Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader! Totally awesome book as all of the Chronicles were but The Voyage is near the top of my favorites list. I really hope they do The Silver Chair soon, it was my ultimate favorite Chronicle. But those are two movies I'm looking forward to later in the year. Right now I'd really like to see Eclipse again and then The Last Airbender. Jackson Rathbone and Dev Patel are in it so it's bound to be pretty good, not to mention it's a M. Night Shyamalan movie!

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So now I'm going to crash on the couch for a bit. Trying to summon up the energy to work out but it might just wait until Sunday. If I skip a day during the week I usually make it up on Sunday morning which is normally my rest day....I'm so groggy headed at the moment the thought of working out makes me wanna fall over but I might find the energy here in a little bit. Who knows!

Today, today!!!

So I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror and had to have a good laugh! My bed head hair this morning was crazy funny! I should have taken a picture and posted it but...I didn't!

My plan for today includes getting laundry caught up, working out of course, cleaning up Gianna's room, and taking a nap since I'll be up till about 3:30am tonight. I don't have a car today so I can't just drive out to my parents house. I hate not getting Gianna out though, so if we can find a ride, we might go out and swim. But for now our plan is to just stay home and get stuff done around the house here. I'm not a great housekeeper, I've said that before. I keep the house clean and picked up but I'm not super organized and I'm not all about being super duper clean either. Basic cleaning is good for me!

Tonight is the BIG night! Eclipse is coming out at midnight! I'm so glad that this year I have some great people to go see it with - my hubby and a friend of mine are going with me. Last year I went to see New Moon alone....yeah, how crappy is that? Show's what kind of "friends" I had at the time. What kind of "friend" lets their friend go see New Moon alone?! Lol! Not a good one - I remember my "friend" at the time text me while I was standing in line for hours alone and said, "I know you must think I'm a terrible friend for making you go alone....." And yeah, I actually did think that! But whatever, this time is going to be super fun and I'm looking forward to fun times, popcorn and Edward! Eclipse is such a detailed, wonderful book and I'm eager to see how they condense it down for the big screen! I'll probably pull out my Twilight DVD and watch it just to get the excitement going...I don't own New Moon, yet. I'm sure I'll have much to tell you and a movie "review" to talk about later on!

Believe it or not, football practice will start for most schools soon. My brothers both have played several years and they start training fairly early on in the summer. And it's miserable! Big boys sweating in tons of gear out in the sun - the vehicle REAKS after they are done! We are huge footballs fans around my house and my family's house - mainly ALABAMA football! Roll Tide, baby! Last year my brothers teams both had a girl on each team....OK, first let me say that I'm not one of those people who believe men can do things and women can't, etc. But I do think there are some things that are just suited to men better and things that are just suited to women better. That's just how it is! Football being one of those rough and tumble sports that just suits men better - physically and mentally. The girl playing on one of my brother's teams was pretty tough but she got hurt really bad at one of their last games and was put in the hospital. For the most part it kinda wigs the guys out, most of them have been taught to go easy on girls so they aren't sure where to shove, push and hit. I think most parents who push their daughters to play a manly sport simply want to prove something. I hear women say things like, "My daughter is tougher then most guys her age!", or "I've seen my daughter just take down guys bigger then her!", or "....they begged me to let her play!" I wouldn't be proud! Lol! I'd be embarrassed that my daughter was so rough and "manly" that coaches wanted her on their team. I don't want my daughter to be able to take down men. I want her to be able to stand up for herself and protect herself if need be but I don't want her to turn into some huge linebacker just to prove that women are as good as men! Lol! I want Gianna to be feminine and strong, not manly and rough. I don't care how open minded you are or how open minded I get I will always believe football is for men. It just is. I love football and I love watching big, manly men slam around on the field, but I personally don't want to see some big, hulking girl slamming around out their with them!!!

First Vlog!

My first vlog! I finally got it uploaded! It's kinda silly and nothing special but it's kinda a trial run just to see what I thought and what my readers/viewers think....so look for more vlogs in the up and coming future!!!

Just being lazy...

The summer heat has made me lazy....well, I don't know that it's all the summer heat but I'm sure it's not helping! I spend most of my days trying to get out to the pool as soon as I can because it's SO hot here. It's nuts. It's been near 100 degrees every day. A day or so ago it was 101! So needless to say I have been neglecting other things......

I've been on a bit of a sugar binge this past month too and I'm so regretting it. I kept wondering why I just felt so tired and out of it all the time lately. And I finally put two and two together - I've been eating sugar every day. Making cookies, apple crisps, ice cream and PB&J's pretty much everyday out at Mom's. Something about summer makes you want to eat sweets. But I feel terrible and bloated so tomorrow I'm back to no sugar. I started another round of Insanity last week and so far I've done well, even added running in two nights for a total of 6 miles of running last week. I was pleased but I want to add more this coming week. Hoping that cutting out the sugar and adding running will knock off these 8lbs I have left to go to my goal weight! I'm eager for August to get here so that I can start Turbo Fire! I know that's going to take me to a whole different level fitness wise.

My piano playing is coming a long - I have to remind myself I've only had 3 lessons! Playing by note isn't as easy as it sounds but I'm practicing hard. It frustrates me when I can't get something right away.....I've been learning songs I like to help me learn chords too. But I'm also teaching myself scales and "rules" so that I know how to make chords. I've learned how to make chords minors and how to make them flats. So that's not bad for 3 weeks of learning! My teacher is great, very patient - I'm the one that stays uptight and on edge. I can play something perfectly right at my house but the moment I sit down to play it for her I'm shaking and nervous and end up messing it up. I can't make myself calm down and just relax.

Beej and I are getting ready to start working on my first music project. I know, I've been saying that for awhile but this time we are pretty serious. He's going to help me getting my writing creativity going again...hopefully. Last night I just felt so down because I just don't seem to have the inspiration and the creative head to make cool songs happen. Beej hears a great song and he's inspired to write one himself. I heard a great song and I get discouraged because I feel like there is no way I'll ever write something that good. My biggest thing is I don't take the time to just play around on the piano or guitar and give myself some time to create and write something. I just want to sit down and it be there! But hopefully Beej's creativity and awesome producing skills will have me sounding awesome soon! It's hard for me to decide what "style" I want to go for - I like so many different genres of music and I think I could probably try out a few so it's hard to nail one down or go for a particular sound. I guess I'll just see where the flow takes me. I've got lots of little ideas and partial songs going...it's just finishing them that needs to be done!

Things seems a little chaotic to me right now - mainly within myself. I feel like I'm mentally in turmoil again. I felt like for awhile I had things going pretty good and I was starting to feel pretty confident about the path I was on. I think maybe I got to proud of myself mentally for finally getting some things going right and it's says that Pride goes before a fall....so I think mentally I fell. So I'm asking God for the strength to get things back on track and headed in the right direction again. It's hard for me to break out of the "norm" and do something outside the box. I keep praying for the strength to step outside my box and be confident in doing so.

I am struggling with a family member right now too and that always upsets me.....I have had to take a stand for what I believe in and that's angered them. They've tried to justify their sin to me and have brought up past sins of mine that I know God has forgiven me for because I've turned from those ways.....but it's still hard for me. I want things to be right within my family and trying to keep things peaceful with everyone is not easy. It scares me that this person can openly live the way they are and not feel like it's wrong. I hate it that they can't be apart of my daughters life because living the way they are is more important to them. I don't like it when I know someone is mad at me, especially a family member but at the same time apologizing for saying what I felt was right isn't going to help me or them. But it still makes me feel unsettled inside....

My Summer Days.....

The countdown has begun - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will be out in 7 days! I have our tickets bought and waiting for us and I couldn't be more excited!!! Last year I went alone to because the friend who was supposed to go with me had ditched me and my current "friend" didn't like movie theaters except with her husband! Lol! She really just didn't like me but you've heard that story before so I'll move on quickly. But this year my lovely hubby wanted to go with me! I'm so excited, he's seen the other two but this will be the first time he's gone to opening for one of them! We are taking another friend of mine too and it is just going to be pure fun.
We bought the soundtrack Sunday at Starbucks and WOW! It is the best Twilight Saga soundtrack so far for sure. The artist are amazing, mostly rockin' indie bands which Beej and I love of course - awesome songs by Metric, The Bravery, Florence + The Machine (I'm in LOVE with her now!), The Dead Weather, etc. This is the first time I've had the soundtrack before I saw the movie. So I'm going to be looking for the songs throughout the movie. I think this movie is going to blow New Moon out of the water. NM was good but didn't the have the substance that Eclipse has. Not to mention I think the director did a really poor job with NM. The director for Eclipse is known for doing "dark" movies so I think this will have that dark vampire/werewolf vibe that made Twilight so alluring. Even though NM was depressing story wise it still felt to "bright" and it felt very rushed. So needless to say, I'm beyond excited!!!!

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Moving on......I have now finished 3 or 4 books in the past couple of weeks. I have read 1 Stephen King book, 2 Dean Koontz books and I'm working on my 3rd Koontz book. And that's just been in the last month. With all this sunning time by the pool I am tearing through books which is great because I have a ton of them to read! I find reading so relaxing even if I'm reading a suspense/horror, drama, etc. The cool thing about both King and Koontz is they have a little of everything in their books - drama, suspense, horror, and romance. Perfect reading! I do want to go to the library soon and pick up Koontz second book in the Frankenstein series. I read the first one, own the third one so I need to read the second before I can move on. The first Frankenstein was awesome so I'm eager to read the second one. So what are you reading this summer? I do not believe people when they say they don't have time to read, you have time to do what you want. I read before bed sometimes too, I go to bed 20 or 30 mins before I normally would and just read - I read pretty fast so that can accomplish alot for me but you can read while waiting in line places, in bed, by the pool, etc. Reading keeps you mind fresh and active and I plan to stay that way as long as possible!

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I am currently listening to Florence + the Machine! She is my new discovery for the week! She has a song on the Eclipse soundtrack that will blow your mind. Her vocals will make you have goosebumps! I've started looking into some of her other stuff and it's just as good. It's just one girl - Florence Welch. She's from London, of course! And she's only 5 days younger then I am - she was born August 28. 1986 and I was born 5 days earlier. So strange thinking about famous people who were born at the same time or around the time I was born, to see what they've done in their lives and what I've done in mine......And I'm listening to the Dead Weather too. Their stuff is really great, I'm a big Jack White fan. He's my rock 'n' roll crush! Lol! He's so out there, so eccentric and part of me wishes that's how I was. He absolutely doesn't care what people think and it's totally awesome! Some people claim to not care what people think and then some people really don't care - He really doesn't care and that's what makes him so attractive, that and the fact that he is INSANELY talented! And of course my beloved Eisley - I am so in love with them and their music. I am currently learning two of their songs on piano. I have the chords down so now it's on to accenting and timing it all right.....I LOVE playing piano and I can't wait to get really good at it! It amazes me what great songs out there are just simple chords.......... So what are you listening to this summer?

See me run!

Yesterday I made the decision to start running....I hate running and I just don't think I'm cut out for it but I want something new to do and during the summer months at least I can run fairly late in the evening and still have light. I know lots of people who run and for the most part the ones that truly run are pretty fit. I started a third round of Insanity yesterday and I plan to add running at least 3 times a week, maybe more. I talked to my coach about it and explained that I desperately want to get my midsection toned and that's why I was trying this - he said, "you and that midsection...." It's the one thing I constantly complain about and I'm always trying to figure out how to fix it! Lol! He gave me some tips because he's a big runner, I know I'm going to need better shoes at some point. Mine are good but not the best. Hoping for my birthday I can get Turbo Fire and new shoes...it's all I want! I think I might try some Saucony's this time. I got Beej a pair for work back at Christmas and they've worked pretty well for him. They have more arch support then some of the other brands and that's one of biggest problems is arch pain but I didn't have any problems last night.

I loaded Beej's iPod with some good running songs and set out after some warming up and stretching here at the house. I was surprised, it was easier then I expected. Granted I didn't run forever but it was a good first time out! I ran for about 40 minutes and covered 2 1/2 miles around the neighborhood. I would say I ran at least 3/4 of the time, I didn't have to stop because I was out of breath but because my thigh muscles would start burning so bad. I think I've worked my cardio up pretty well. I will say though that ab muscles felt really tight when I was done and that's a good thing! Hopefully they'll keep tightening....not to mention I was gloriously sweaty afterwards! I used to hate to sweat, I would avoid anything that made me sweat but now the sweatier the better, it means I'm working hard! I've decided for now to try and do Mon., Wed., and Fri., evenings for at least a couple of weeks. If I really start getting into it I might add an early morning Sat. run too. But we'll take it a little at a time. I have to start setting smaller goals to work towards bigger ones.

We've been throughly enjoying the pool this summer! It's been SO hot I can't imagine not having it now. We got in fixed just in time for the super hot weather to hit. And Gianna has this beautiful little tan going on even though I coat her down in 50 SPF sun screen every time we are out. It's adorable! Her hair is getting lighter from the sun and her skin is getting darker, she looks like a little sun goddess! We both have to make sure we drink plenty because the sun is sucking me dry....I am so thirsty by the time I get home. I have a bad habit of not drinking enough - I try and keep a big glass of ice water out with me when I'm laying out. I'm getting a lot of reading done while I lay out....Gianna plays in the pool with the kids and I lay out before I swim and read for an hour or so! It's pure awesomeness! Lol!

Yesterday I borrowed one of my Mom's pedometer's to count my steps. I mainly wanted it for running because I wanted to know approx. how far I ran/walked. I put it on around 6:15pm and drove home and went running around 7:30pm and took if off at 8:15pm (2 hours) and I had almost 6,000 steps! 2,000 steps is approx. 1 mile. I'd love to put one and Beej and see how many steps he takes every day while at work! I bet it's close to 20,000, no joke! I know it wears him out sometimes but I'm glad he has an active job and not one that he just sits on his butt all day long.....I think that would mentally wear him out more then being super active. Beej usually drops about 10lbs in the summer just from sweating alone! I wish I could sweat and lose weight - I feel like I am but I don't think sweating does anything for me other then require me to take a shower! Lol!

So, it's a new adventure for me, I plan to get pretty good at running. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile but convinced myself I couldn't do but I'm trying to undo that kind of thinking!

Balance

I feel as though most of my days are spent trying to balance things. I am far from "super mom" and I don't always have a ton on my plate. Some of my days are very carefree and easy going. I am blessed to have a hubby who works hard so that I can stay at home and devote time, for now, to our daughter. Some days my priorities get out of order, of course. I don't always do what's most important first. I'm trying to get better about this but it's still an up and down cycle with me. I have been trying for awhile to remember to put my fitness up near the top of my priority list. I didn't grow up in a super active family - yes, we were always on the go but we didn't do alot of physical stuff together. Occasionally we hiked, camped here and there but other then those occasional hikes or walks I wasn't involved in anything physical that would keep me active. Of course growing up I was tiny and didn't even think about it. I never thought I'd have to think about my weight.....but here we are now, years and years later and it is important now. I'm trying to make sure I get Gianna involved in things that keep her active and I don't always do well but I'm trying. I'm glad the pool is open now because she spends hours swimming around, getting all that 3 year old energy out. It also affords me a little extra calorie burning as well!

Some days I feel a little over run though, I tend to feel guilty about not helping especially my family. If they need something I'm one of the first to jump and offer my assistance. I guess I see how unhelpful and uninvolved a few of my siblings are and I don't want to be that. I know how it upsets and disappoints my parents and I don't want to cause them anymore of that. So sometimes I overload myself helping out. I'm trying to remember that I don't "owe" anyone anything, helping out is great as long as it's not at the expense of my own family now.

I get way too stressed over things but other times it's the stress around me that sends me over the edge. It's like no matter how great you feel being around certain people can totally zap the energy it takes to remain positive and upbeat. I end up with headaches and tummy aches trying hard to muster the energy to remain in a good mood around some people. It's overwhelms me and literally makes my head hurt. Constant fighting and arguing totally throws me for a loop. Don't get me wrong, Beej and I have are days for sure but for the most part and the majority of our time together we get along or at least try to. We try not to yell at each other or Gianna because we don't want her to grow up screaming and yelling at us or anyone else. It's hard for me to allow Gianna to be around certain people that don't care - they scream, fight, yell, hit at each other and flip out. I don't want her learning that behavior yet it's people that I don't want to NOT be around! It's so confusing and I'm trying so hard to balance out my duty to my family and my duty to my husband and child. I already see Gianna picking up on some of the negative behavior and I'm having to work overtime to make sure she doesn't start those habits now. It's not easy when she sees people she "admires" and looks up to behaving this way. Sometimes my siblings don't realize what an example they are to her, I've tried to tell them but they don't really seem to care at this point. And that is what gets me the most, they don't seem to care how their behavior affects those around them......I'm stumped as to how to deal with this. I don't want to cut Gianna off from family. We already have a bit of a strained relationship with some of the family on Beej's side ( and we have a really great relationship with some of his family!) and I don't want things to become strained and awkward on my side of the family. I think family is very important...often it comes down to nothing but family. I still haven't found any really great friends who will stick around for you but at the same time I often wonder if it's the best thing. I feel confused on this subject very often. It's a balancing act I haven't mastered yet.

Excuse Me.

Please excuse me for last nights ranting post! I have thought about deleting it but it's how I felt at the moment and even though I apologize for me it doesn't make it any less true. And well, I'm over trying to pretend like I never have a bad day, never get pissed of and never hate anyone! Lol! Because it's just not true. I'm not going to only post on "happy" days so that my life looks like a bowl of chocolate and cherries.

So last night didn't end so well, I couldn't seem to snap out of my crabby attitude. I was tired and just didn't realize how tired. It's gotten where being around different people stresses me out more then I think and it really zaps my energy. I get physical reactions like tummy aches, head aches and a feeling of being super tired. Plus I don't realize how much I'm on the go sometimes until I sit back and look at it all. Fours hours straight of standing on my feet, bending over the tub to wash out hair, coloring, cutting, blow drying and straightening really wore me out. I'm not used to it anymore, I don't know how I used to do it for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. I still have D's hair to do but who knows when that will get done....I was way to crabby to deal with it last night and she has to babysit tonight and tomorrow is Father's Day....*sigh* Too much to think about! Lol!

I need to go get groceries - it seems like we run out of everything at once! But Beej went to play golf this morning so I have to wait till he gets back. Occasionally it sucks to only have one vehicle but for the most part we work it out.....he's played golf twice this weekend! He's on a roll - I don't mind. He works super duper hard all week and golf is something he enjoys and it relaxes him. He recently reconnected with an old friend and golf mentor. The man who gave him his first job at the golf course! He runs a golf course near where Beej works, Beej is so excited to be spending some time with him again.

Tomorrow we are off to Charlotte to have lunch with my dad for Father's Day - he is speaking near there and so we are going there to meet him! I don't remember the last holiday where we actually did something at home or around home. We were gone for Easter, then Mother's Day and now Father's Day. I'm not sure what we are doing for Fourth of July yet. Guess it depends on whether or not my dad is in town. I do want to take Gianna somewhere with a good fireworks display. Last year we just saw the one in town and it wasn't much to talk about. The year before we went to Franklin, TN and saw the most amazing fireworks show I've ever seen and it was completely free! That was such a good time.....

Anyway, I'm off to try and make the day better! We'll see how it goes.

Fired Up.

It seems that no matter how hard I try I am always going to have someone who does things just to spite me and make me mad! I try my hardest not to let it bother me because I know it shouldn't, for so many reasons, but it still does. I guess thats my immature side rearing it's ugly head. But it's really their immaturity that annoys the crap out of me. People who are 10 and 15 years older then me still acting like stupid teenagers.....drives me bonkers! Here's the thing, I have never, that I can remember, known someone wanted something and go out and go it just to upset them or make them mad. If I did end up getting it before them I honestly try not to rub it in their faces or make a big deal of it because I don't want them to be upset. But time and time again I deal with people who do stuff just to be mean. When I first wanted to start P90X I of course mentioned it on FB and my blog as I usually do.....and lo, and behold, someone I knew (who was always trying to out do me and get ahead of me for some unknown reason) ran out and got it before me. Not because it was something she was truly interested in but because she knew how badly I wanted it and wanted to do it first. I let it go and moved on but not too long later she went and got something she KNEW my sister wanted! I couldn't believe it at the time, now it doesn't surprise me really. But I moved on from that as well and thought I was rid of people who did that type of immature thing but no, here it is again. I recently was "de-friended" by someone who works with my husband because I didn't agree on her take on body image. I don't really care, I don't know that my image on body image is perfectly correct but I certainly didn't think hers was. She is one of those "everyone should be honest, everyone should tolerant one another's opinions" kind of people, or so she says she is.....but when I posted my opinion she got pissed. Because it didn't jive with her thinking I was wrong! Not that I really cared, she wasn't a friend, so I didn't lose anything. But I guess she found out I wanted the BRAND NEW BeachBody program called Turbo Fire. It's a kick up from Insanity and I know it's going to kick butt! I have about 10lbs more to lose and I think I could totally get rid of that if I do this program plus I'm just ready for something new and a bigger challenge. Well, she went and bought it. Yeah, I know, how rude. I mean, obviously I know other people are going to buy it but when it's a program that you aren't even ready for but you buy it just to spite someone (and I'm sure she'd deny she did that but I'm not stupid!) is lame. It's a costly program....if it wasn't so pricey I'd have it right now. But I'm going to have to wait til August...*sigh* It upsets me that people are so rude but once again I'll live through it. I just had to vent!!! You can skip this post and pretend it didn't happen or whatever.....pray for me, laugh at me, shake your head, whatever. I don't care anymore.

Another Spring Day has come and almost gone....

I had quite splendid day today - it was just one of those easy days that just go by too quickly. Gianna was an angel today, no whining, no complaining, no getting on my nerves. For awhile there she seemed to have totally lost it but I think she's back to being my sweet little girl! I think maybe she just wasn't getting her energy out and that was coming across as her being bored and grumpy. But now with the pool she's spending hours swimming around and loves it! She puts on her arm floaties and she's off, kicking around and swimming in circles. She stays in till her lips are blue and she's shaking like a leaf! But we are skipping nap time for the most part now and so she's completely exhausted by the time we make our way home in the evening. Last night she went to bed about 20 minutes earlier then normal which was fine by me! We are both getting a nice little tan - I hate the tan lines but I love the dark skin. Gianna's little back looks so cute all tan and dark!

I worked out this morning and that always makes me feel good about the start of my day - after that piano and I have officially moved into learning to read notes now! It was a little scary, I really felt dumb at first but I've gone over it on my own some today and it's started to make me sense the more I play it, or try to play it! I am learning little by little about chords too from DeeAnna and Beej. I've learned, from the years I took guitar, that anyone can teach you to play chords and songs, that's fairly simple. You just memorize the position.....and I knew I could learn basic chords and chord structures from them but I also wanted to learn the basics of piano and how to read music - about time signatures, the staves (we learned it's not staffs today but staves!) and so on. So I figure within a year I'll have a pretty good knowledge and playing base. I don't have time to play around, I've got to get this down!

After that we spent the day out by the pool....listening to rockin' tunes from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The White Stripes, Muse and Coldplay. And I started a new book by Dean Koontz called Sole Survivor. I'm not sure what it's about, the cover is missing - lol! I think we got it pretty cheap at a thrift store but I'm sure it will be great, I've only read on or two of his that didn't really get me. One of the best books I've read so far I finished a little while back was by Stephen King and it's called Duma Key. Completely awesome! And the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz have been really great...I just finished the third one just the other day. I read a lot and I find a great time to read it when I lay out by the pool....I devour books and this is the perfect time. The kids help out with Gianna in the pool, I'm right there if she needs anything and I can sip something cold, read and listen to great music! It doesn't get much better.

D and I did break for a bit and help Dad mow some grass.....their yard is huge and it has to be mowed once a week during the summer. It grows so fast. But I don't mind really, it's extra calories burned! I push fast up and down those hills and break a killer sweat, especially in this heat.....after that we took another dip in the pool - this time I swam and swam, did some under water ab crunches (I'll feel that in the morning!) and some arm exercises too - more calories burned! Awesome! Lol! Of course, I totally zapped that with the yummy spaghetti dinner we had. I have a weakness for french bread. *sigh* Beej has gently reminded me that summer is not the time to be slacking off with eating right. And I know it's true I just honestly haven't wanted to eat right lately. I get tired of being the ONLY one eating right. And that's not to sound self righteous or anything. I just hate going anywhere and everyone else eating anything and everything and I'm eating nothing. It gets old quick. But I can't let everyone else keep me from doing what I know is best for me. So Monday I start another round of Insanity - full 60 days and the diet. Can't promise I won't screw up but I'm going to do my best not to. We have a bar b que in August at Beej's work, it's like a company picnic thing and I want to look great for it.....not a big butter ball! I plan to swim for the first time - this will be our 3rd or 4th picnic up there and I've never swam. And we are going to the beach....so many reasons to not be eating like I am. But for some reason summer weather entices me to eat ice cream and ice cream has been practically free at the store lately. I've found Breyer's ice cream for as low as 1.99! Goodness, how I can pass that up especially when it's my favorite brand?! But I now look like I have a banana split around my middle so it's got to stop before I am once again consumed. Luckily I've still been working out diligently so that's helped but not taken care of it all. I'm eager to start a new program hopefully at the end of August. I'm asking for Turbo Fire for my birthday! I can't wait!!!

So, it's almost the end of my really wonderful day....my sis is spending the night tonight. I'm doing both of my sisters hair tomorrow. D went red a while back but it wasn't as bright as she wanted so I'm redoing hers tomorrow - we are going brighter and a little more orange! C is going from long and dark to short and blonde. Time for her summer look I guess! I'll post before and after's of both of them tomorrow....Beej is going to spend the day golfing. He's recently reconnected with some old golf buddies so he's going to be golfing more again which I think is great! I know he loves it and I'm glad he's got some top notch guys to play with again - people who can truly play and challenge him because he does love a challenge! Hooray for summer!!!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!

Good morning, bloggers (and those who don't blog but just read them!!! You are important too!)! Thursday is quickly becoming one of my favorite days of the week. For us it's always been our Friday because my husband only works four days a week so Thursday evening when he gets home starts our weekend. Gianna LOVES waking up and her daddy being home. He usually leaves long before she wakes up so she is always thrilled to come crawl into bed with us and see he's still there.

Thursday mornings are now my day for piano lessons too and I can't begin to tell you how great it feels to be learning this now. I've practiced hard all week, not that what I had to practice was super hard but I worked hard on it. I learned to play the simple version of "Ode to Joy" and I taught myself the 7 major pentascales on piano which also means I can now play 7 chords on piano. Yes, I'm pretty excited about all of this. I'm eager to learn something new today and having something to work on for the rest of the week. I'm still learning to be comfortable with the piano but I feel much better then I did when I sat down at my teacher's piano last Thursday. I know with a lot more practice I feel as comfortable behind a piano as I do with a guitar. This piano thing has also inspired me to try and sharpen up my guitar playing skills as well....so far I haven't taken the time to do that but I'm planning on it soon.

I still haven't written any complete songs yet but I'm slowly building ideas and lyrics. I write them down and put them on Beej's desk since he is going to be my co-writer, at least we are going to try that! He's so much more talented then I am especially musically. I'm eager to see what we can come up with! We've talked about doing a full length album but I think I may just try an EP right now, 6 or 7 songs. Just to see how people respond, figure out how I will promote it and get comfortable with playing and singing the songs....so much goes into making an album, even a small on at home. It's not just write and push record.

We spent yesterday with my piano teacher (who is also my friend now I think I can safely say!) and her mother and sister - we did some serious scrapbooking! I am completely caught up now. And I love that feeling! So now hopefully I can scrapbook each event as it comes and not let it pile up again. We have Father's Day Sunday so I'll have to scrapbook that sometimes soon and then Fourth of July, etc. I'm learning new techniques and getting new ideas so my pages are looking different now. It's fun to go back and see how my scrapbooking has progressed over the years. I love taking the time to preserve the memories and faces I love so much.....digital scrapbooking is fun and cute but to me there is something a little more personal and loving about taking the time to do it by hand. Not to mention it's a creative outlet I enjoy. I love getting with other women and just chit chatting and hanging out. We had so much fun with the Hawkins yesterday - they are too funny and so comfortable to be around! It was a really relaxing time.

For now I'm off to work out - someone told me yesterday that they hoped one day reading that I work out would inspire them to work out but that it never has! I laughed! This is my thing, I hope I do inspire someone - someone who really wants to do it. But not everyone wants to work out and that's OK! If you are perfectly happy being who you are then I am proud of you. It's the people that complain 24/7 about who they are but won't take the steps to change. Be who you are and be proud of that and if you aren't then have the strength to take the steps to change. It's a hard thing - I continue to struggle every day to be honest. I have skipped out on too many work outs over the past few weeks although I still usually work out at least 5 times a week. I've just been doing random work outs from P90X and Insanity right now. I'm getting ready to do another round of Insanity. I'm hoping for my birthday to get the new Beach Body program called Turbo Fire - it's supposed to be kinda like Insanity but maybe just kicked up half a notch! Plus it's a woman that does this one and she supposedly picks kick butt music for her programs too....it's brand new, just released yesterday or so so it's the full retail price of $120 plus shipping which I can't swing right now but I'm hoping maybe if I put together all my birthday money I can get it! I really want a new program and this one looks awesome.....so I WANT IT!!!

What moves my soul....

Music moves my soul. Some more then other obviously. But music inspires me, moves me, changes my mood and attitude and helps me create. Some days I hear songs that just absolutely catch me and make me feel like I just can't describe. In awe I guess. Sometimes they aren't anything fancy, it's not the the "fanciness" that gets me. I think some songs are just written with such honesty and passion that it bleeds onto those who listen to it. I guess sometimes that idea keeps me from writing my own songs - even though I've done it before. I just don't feel like I've written anything passionate and moving just yet. But hopefully that will change....I am hoping that my soul with bond with serious inspiration soon and I'll find what I need! I posted several pictures of Stacy Dupree, she is my new idol. Musically and fashion wise. I have taken up piano because of her - she plays both piano and guitar but seeing her behind the piano totally stoked the fire inside me to do something with myself! I really want to make an album that I'm completely proud of and I'm not ashamed to let people here it.

I usually get randomly inspired - it usually comes suddenly and quickly but it's rare. I get ideas and lyrics all of a sudden and if I don't write them down they'll be gone as quickly as they came. I wish it was different for me, I wish I wrote differently but that's usually how it happen. Beej writes his stuff completely different then I do and that's what makes each musician/artist/songwriter different. If everyone was alike how boring that would be. I get inspired my other people's music - I can be listening to a song and suddenly get an idea. Most of the time it has NOTHING to do with the song I'm listening to. One word can inspire a whole idea or sometimes a thought in a song can inspire a completely different one for me. Occasionally I've been inspired by what I "thought" a song said and found out later that wasn't the lyric at all! But I don't get inspired musically often...it's hard for me to put the lyrics and ideas I have to music. Especially with my limited ability on guitar....I am hoping that taking piano will expand my music writing abilities. I have music in me I just don't know how to cultivate it.

My three favorite vocalists I sound nothing like! I guess that's why I like them, it's how I wish I sounded. My voice is too normal for me, it doesn't have anything unique about it. I don't know how to manipulate it to sound like I want it to. I had too much "training" I think, even though some of it was professional and some of it wasn't it still taught me to keep my vocals too restricted and proper. I have a hard time getting past that now - most of the vocals I admire these days are probably considered pretty improper but that's what makes them so wonderful! My favorite vocalists are Stacy Dupree (Eisley), Leigh Nash (Sixpence None The Richer) and Anya Marina.

The 5 songs that stick out to me vocally, musically and lyrically are:

1. Memories by Eisley from their album Room Noises

2. Down and Out of Time by Sixpence None The Richer from their album Divine Discontent (one of the best albums EVER in my opinion!)

3. Glass of Water by Coldplay from their EP Prospekt's March

4. A Bad Dream by Keane from their album Under The Iron Sea

5. Read My Mind by The Killers from their album Sam's Town

Of course there are many, many more but these 5 stick out the most -when I hear them I wish I had written them, thought of those lyrics, put those chords and notes together.....I wish they were mine!

Not Gone Forever!

I know that I haven't blogged in, well, what seems like a really long time. At least for me who usually blogs once or twice a day! Lately I've just been busy, summer seems to do that. And when I'm not busy I tend to get lazy and just don't take the time to do it. I've had a couple of blog topics and ideas rolling around my scattered mind lately but they've stayed topics and ideas and haven't developed into anything else really. But I'm not gone forever, I'll be back! Lol! I've been trying to make sure Gianna gets "outside time" lately, she loves being outdoors and playing, now that the pool is open that's going to help alot. She'll stay in until she's shaking like a leaf and her lips are blue. But I think wearing her out has done her a world of good. She sleeps so well, not that she's ever been a bad sleeper really.

We stayed the night at Mom's last night so that I could go to an "all day" scrapbooking day with her while Gi stays here with my sister. They are going to watch movies and go swimming. I am SO thankful for my parents and especially my sister, D, they help me so much. I wouldn't be able to do half the things I do without their willingness to help me with Gianna. Someone asked me the other day how I do all I do - I had to laugh out loud! I don't feel like I really do anything. Compared to so many other mom's I know and admire who have more on their plates and more kids I feel like such a slacker. I honestly don't get involved with a lot because I hate being committed to something and not having the freedom to decide to do something else on that day or at that time. I usually kinda "commit as I go"! The only thing I've completely committed to lately is piano lessons - and that's at a time that I probably couldn't be doing much else anyway - Beej works and the kids take piano around the same time and those people are usually the only two people I go do things unexpectedly with! But I'm glad I'm taking the time out to do this, it means a lot to me.

I'm so excited about scrapbooking today! I don't get to do it at home much because I just don't have the space to get all my stuff out and plus Gianna's at the age where she wants to "help" me all the time so she won't leave my stuff alone so these scrapbooking days have become my time to catch up with my photos and I love it. I love creating and saving the memories....because I see how quickly time is passing already. Today I'm going to work on scrapbooking Gianna's birthday party photos and Mother's Day photos....I can't believe how far away those two events already seem. Summer will be long gone before I know it. So I am trying to enjoy every little moment that we do something or do nothing at all! I spent some time yesterday going through some of my mom's creativity books getting new ideas for scrapping today. I don't want my pages to all start looking the same or having the same "theme". There are just SO many things you can do when it comes to scrapbooking. I'm glad I only have one child to keep up with! Between photos of her, family events and a few of Beej and I here and there I stay pretty loaded down....but I know how much I love going back and looking at old photographs of my life and even my parents lives before I was even thought of! There is something sweet in that and I hope one day that Gianna feels the same way and all this time and effort I've enjoyed putting into preserving our life will be appreciated!

So I'm off to get my crazy bed head in order so that I can head out the door! It looks like I rolled around on the top of my head all night! Lol! Craziness! Much love, bloggers (and fellow scrapbookers!)

Seeing RED!

My lovely and talented sister, D, took some new pictures of Gianna the other day while we were out at my parents house. They have this wonderful expanse of woods behind the house and we "hiked" back there and took some pictures. I think they turned out really cute! Of course this is just a few of them but I can't get over how grown up Gianna looks. Especially in that first one. Occasionally I look at her now and almost glimpse a teenager. Scary, I know! She is so independent and determined, yet I still see that tiny little girl who still needs to be reassured of her abilities. It gets harder every day realizing that everything those around her say and do she picks up on. Phrases or songs she picks up immediately and the next I know she's saying and singing them. I have to be SO careful what's on TV or what's on the radio. I'm so afraid she'll pick up my bad habits, I'm trying so hard to curb those so that she doesn't. I want her to know right from wrong and be able to determine for herself when something isn't right. I see daily more and more people living unGodly lifestyles yet they want everyone else to pretend they are fine. And if you disagree they kick you to the curb. I'd much rather be kicked to the curb for standing up for what I KNOW is right then to live with the guilt of pretending all was well. I want Gianna to be able to stand up for right too even if that means standing alone sometimes. I want her to be strong enough and brave enough to do it. Over and over people are good about being your friend until you point out something they KNOW is wrong and then suddenly you are judgmental. I guess I fear for them and the true Judgment one day.......but anyway, back to Gianna - I just hope and pray one day she is all the things I haven't found the courage to be for so long. I want her to explore new things and never be afraid to. I have been afraid to try so many things and have been too prideful to take the first step and so I've missed out on some things. I hope Gianna is adventurous and daring yet level headed and will think ahead. She is beauty captured so simplisticly.

We FINALLY got my parents pool fixed and in order! It was an ordeal to say the least but after two days of working super hard it now has a brand new liner and is almost completely full of water again! I'm so excited, it's bitter cold but so nice knowing it's there to take a dip in when it's so hot out. Plus there is just something much more refreshing about laying out next to a sparkling pool then laying out beside an empty circle of metal! Lol! Gianna is so thrilled, I'm going to have to get her some floaties for her arms so she does drown - she is so eager to get out there by herself! Hopefully someone can teach her to swim this year, I know how to swim of course but I'm not sure I know how to teach someone to swim. Maybe Beej can do it!
I have officially started taking piano lessons now! I'm really excited and eager to learn. My first lesson went well, I think my teacher is going to be great. She seems to know how to taylor her teaching style to each student instead of working within a set schedule or lesson plan. She seems to know how to flow with my speed of learning. I started out this week learning the basics of piano and notes and doing some finger exercises and note progressions. A little "black key diddies" and I started working on the VERY simple version of Ode To Joy today and transposing it too. Little steps! I know it won't come over night and I have to make myself concentrate on just focusing on what I have to learn this week because when I start thinking ahead to all I still have to learn I get overwhelmed and the task seems too daunting. But thanks to Stacy Dupree of Eisley I have officially been inspired! I have always wanted to play piano but it was just one of those things I figured I'd never know how to do but watching Stacy play and sing behind the piano absolutely threw my inspiration into high gear and I knew I had to learn how to do this!

And so, after some debating I decided to dye my hair red! I love red hair, always have. I've had mine red before but it's been a really long time. I figured since it's short now and mostly "virgin" hair this would be a good time to try it out. It looks a little more burgundy in the picture but in real life it has a slight orange tint. Kinda freaked me out a bit when I first saw it! Lol! But it's growing on me already...Beej said it's "rocker chic" so I guess that's a good thing! No, I don't have make up on in this picture, I just woke up so it's awful but you get the idea! I know it's going to fade quickly because I wash my hair every day but I can re dye it every couple of weeks at least for a little while and when I get tired of it I'll go back to my usual dark brown/black. But change is good and red hair makes me feel feisty!

I've worked out this morning and feel great! Going to clean up and then possibly head out to mom's to lay by the pool for the better part of the day. Beej is out playing golf so he'll be gone a good part of the day. Gianna is absorbed in the world of Spongebob and Bikini Bottom for the moment so I should run do something useful while she is!