Reflections....

"Most true happiness comes from one's inner life, from the disposition of the mind and soul. Admittedly, a good inner life is difficult to achieve, especially in these trying times. It takes reflection and contemplation and self-discipline." - William L. Shirer

I often look back on things that have happened in my life, good and bad. Mainly because I want to see them through clearer eyes. Because when you are in the situation it is hard to see the big picture because you can only see what is right in front of you and right behind. But once you are out of the situation you can look back and see things a little more honestly. I have looked back and been pleased with what I see and I've looked back and been disappointed with what I see. But I've learned not to dwell on either. Because if I constantly dwell on how well I did through something then I'm probably going to become prideful and think more highly of myself then I should. But if I only concentrate on how I should have handled things then I'll become upset and bitter towards myself and I will constantly be thinking and reading into things too much. It's amazing to really think back to all the things I've done, been through, seen and experienced. Some of it seems so long ago and some things seems like they just happened! I was reflecting yesterday while sitting in my mother in laws living room, remembering back when I was sitting on her couch, pregnant with Gianna and wondering what in the world it would be like to be a mom. I was so nervous and scared, yet now I sometimes don't remember what it was like not to have her, not to have the responsibility. I think about her in every aspect of my life now because she depends solely on me. So anytime I want to do anything or go anywhere I have to think about Gianna first. I also remember when Beej and I got back together, it wasn't a easy thing because I didn't have the support that you normally have when you are thinking about getting married yet I knew deep down that it was the right thing for me. Things haven't always been easy for us but I know we made the right decision. So, so many things have changed. All for the better I would say, at least for the most part!

I have had to deal with situations I never thought I would have - issues I never foresaw coming. I have handled them to the best of my ability and handled them with as much "grace" as I could. Some people like to point fingers at how you react to things but they don't realize that they have pushed you to that point. I will only hold my tongue for so long - you keep verbally bashing me long enough and I'll finally dish some back. But that's what everyone sees, not what others have done to you. I reflect back on friendships I've started, and ones I've ended. And for the most part I am grateful for the ones I started, regretful of ones I "re-started" and beyond thankful for some of the ones I ended! No matter how "good" someone wants to tell you they are if their actions don't match up then it's probably best to get out while the "gettin' is good"!!! I am so appreciative though for all the people, good and bad, who have helped mold me and make me into who I am today and who I am still becoming. I have learned from the good ones what I want to be in life and from the bad ones what I DON'T want to be!

Today I was watching my daughter eat her breakfast and it totally hit me how much she has changed and grown. I remember her being so tiny and helpless and now she's so grown up and independent already. The things she says and does make me laugh, tick me off and overwhelm me! She was using her "big girl" cup and bowl this morning and I it's just amazing to me how she learns things so quickly. It also scares me to see her growing up and getting older so fast, not because I don't want her to grow up, not at all. I am actually enjoying her getting older - the relationship and friendship we are already developing. But it scares me because if she's getting older then so am I. And I hate that thought. I want to be young forever. The thought of being old scares me, I hate it. In fact, I just try not to think about it at all even though I know it's coming at me so fast. But I do hope that one day when I am old, because it will happen, I can reflect back on my life and be pleased.