VCUG Test

So tomorrow is Gianna's "big" day at the hospital. I've been scared since we found out she had to have it done. I hate hospitals and going to the dr. but I'm an adult and I know that the pain won't last forever and that they have to do it to make you better, etc. But Gianna doesn't know. All she knows is that some stranger in inflicting pain on her and I'm not stopping it. And I hate that. I hate the way she cries and looks at me and screams "They're hurting me real bad...." It absolutely breaks my heart and makes me sick to my stomach. I try so hard to be brave for her......I just want to get it over with. I read up on the test they are going to do and maybe that wasn't a good plan. It freaked me out even worse. I can't imagine how this is going to traumatize Gianna. I sat her down and showed her pictures of the big X-Ray machine and showed her x-rays of kidneys. And I "explained" the procedure to her and she teared up. Great. That makes me feel even worse. I can see now that's all she's thinking about and worrying about. Maybe I shouldn't have told her but I don't like to "surprise" her either. I think that's almost worse. I told her after it's all done we'll take her McDonald's for lunch and then to Wal-Mart to pick out a toy. I know that doesn't really "fix" anything or make the procedure any less scary but I feel like I need to make the day seem happy at the end.....I don't want that to be her memory of the day. But this is what I've read about the test she is going to have (VCUG). For those of you who have children you will understand why this is so scary for me to have to sit through and watch. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it and after I lay Gi down for a nap I think I may have a good cry too. I just don't do well with this kind of thing......

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The technologist will ask why the VCUG is being performed and explain the procedure to you and your child. The bladder will need to be catheterized for this exam. Your child will need to lay on the x-ray table with his/her legs in a "Frog Position" or "Butterfly Position". The technologist will wipe down the urethral area with three to four cotton balls soaked in "Brown Soap", which is an iodine based cleaning agent, and one cotton ball soaked in water. The soap may feel a bit cool. Once the area is cleaned, a tiny feeding tube or catheter will be placed into your child's bladder. Your child may feel some pressure, and the sensation or urge to urinate. As a relaxation technique during this process, we will ask your child to "blow out birthday candles", or to take in big deep breaths. Once the catheter is placed we will secure the tube to your child's leg with a piece or two of tape and the exam will begin.

The catheter will be connected to a bottle of iodinated contrast material that will be visualized on the x-ray screen. The contrast material will flow through the urinary catheter into your child's bladder. The radiologist will pull the fluoro tower over your child and take several x-rays. Your child will be asked to roll side to side periodically, and told to hold the contrast in even though they may feel the urge to urinate. Once the bladder is full, the radiologist will ask your child to urinate while still on the table. (Small children and infants will probably urinate on their own.) We may supply a bedpan or a urinal, and/or sprinkle warm water on your child to help stimulate him/her to urinate. Once your child starts to urinate, more x-rays will be taken. While your child is urinating, the catheter will slide out without your child feeling any discomfort. A few additional x-rays will be obtained to complete the study. This exam, including preparation process, takes an average of 20 to 30 minutes.

Due to the personal nature of the exam, your child may feel uncomfortable and/or embarrassed. Please assure your child that you will be with him/her the entire time.

Big Smile!

Lately I've had a lot of people telling me I'm angry and unhappy. And it's so funny because I personally feel like I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time. Maybe me being happy with myself has made me more confident to speak up and point out things when I see them. Who knows - but I do feel like people ignore my "happy" posts. The ones about the great days and times I've spent with my family, the fun places we've visited or gone, Gianna's birthday, how much I love my husband and child (and old friends). How excited I am for things coming up this year, etc. No one comments on those but just as soon as I post a blog that's not all sunshine and roses they jump on me. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has bad days or see things that's other might not see the same way. Yet I'm painted as the bad guy (or gal!). Why is that? I don't post ugly comments when I read a blog, if I don't have anything nice to say or can't point out something in a constructive, non-bashing kind of way then I just don't say it. I don't go an purposely start things with other people. I've never openly bashed anyone, I usually generalize things so that they can apply to anyone or anything. I want to write from a view point where the reader can understand the situation in their own lives. Plus I do have enough tact to not name people, although someone has told me I should go ahead and name names, I can't make myself be that disrespectful. There are alot of bloggers out there who are probably a lot angrier and meaner then I am about stuff - and there are bloggers who only choose to blog on their "happy" days. I try to do a little bit of both. But all the posts you see on here isn't my entire life, it's not all my thoughts, it's not all my dreams, etc. It's just a small portion....so don't assume by reading the posts I put up that this is my entire being. There are so many more aspects to my life then the once or twice a day I blog on here.
So now that's been said - I am happy today! Lol! I love sunshiny mornings. It makes me feel even more energized and motivated. I always work out in the mornings because that's when I feel the most equipped mentally to do it. Gianna usually watches some cartoons while I do it, I'm thankful she is well behaved enough to allow me an hour or so to work out. Working out makes me happy, it makes me feel accomplished and full of energy. I find that if I skip my work out I actually feel like I'm lagging through my day. I'm excited about this second round of Insanity, I know if I really concentrate on it hard like I did with the first round I'm going to see awesome results again! After this I'm thinking about trying Shaun T.'s Hip Hop Abs just to make sure my core area is good and tight and FLAT!!!
I'm really excited about going shopping Friday - both of my sisters are going and another young lady that I'm excited to get to know a little better! It's going to be a fun, girlie time! I'm looking forward to getting some summer clothes and shoes finally. Yesterday was pretty warm and all I've got is "winter" stuff. It made me jealous of everyone walking around in shorts and flip flops and sandals! All my shorts from last summer literally fall off of me when I try them on. That's a good thing in my mind but still, I need some summer clothes. Praying for good deals at Plato's Closet!
Our air in the Jeep is fixed, as of right now and we are praying it stays that way!!! It wasn't the major problem they thought, at least that's what it looks like. We are praying it stays fixed especially since this weekend is supposed to be up in the 80's! Crazy! I'm pretty pleased it's fixed, we went all last summer with no air and that was pure torture - especially for my sweat prone child! She sweats like mad at the drop of a hat. And we ordered our new music equipment for the Jeep - now that has made me super duper happy! We are so tired of not being able to play the music we want when we drive places. It should arrive any day and they are going to install it Sat. morning! I see lots of car jamming in our future!!!! It's going to be a great summer!
So here's to the big smile on my face today! I'm happy, I feel good and I'm proud of where I am in life and looking forward to what the future holds!!!

Look in the mirror....

"Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives."


Someone recently told me to "take a look in the mirror and then blog about that....". They meant it rudely and as a slap but I thought perhaps it was a good idea! I have figured out that usually the people who tell you to go look in the mirror are usually people who are avoiding looking into it themselves. It's hard to look at yourself in a true light. We either see ourselves much better then we are or we see ourselves much worse. I guess perhaps I lean more towards seeing myself in a pretty negative light. I'm trying to change that but I feel almost vain trying to see myself positively. As though it's wrong to like yourself or something. I guess I do know I have faults, plenty of them and to me that far out weighs my good qualities. I don't always do things or say things right. I say things on impulse especially when I am hurting. I want whoever is inflicting pain on me to feel the same way I do, so sometimes I choose to say things I regret. And yet at other times I hold my tongue when I really should say something. I don't have that balanced yet. Sometimes my only way to tell someone the truth and exactly how I feel is to do it angrily. Because I don't have the courage to do it in a calm manner. That is a fault I see in myself. I envy people like my husband who have no problem with standing up for themselves and what they think. I so badly want to please people and make them happy that I often don't speak up for myself, I don't lie but I just keep silent so that I don't "rock the boat".
I'm not very self motivated either - I get motivated to do one thing and it's like all my energy and what little motivation I can muster up all goes into that one thing. I don't know how to split it up and give it out to more then one thing at a time! I'm not easily inspired...it takes a lot to inspire me enough to actually do something.
I'm not a quitter, I hate quitting something I've started. Once I start it I'm in it til the end. Period. But that keeps me from trying a lot of things. Because if I'm not absolutely positive that it's something I want to do and complete I don't even give it a try. I don't understand when people get half way through with something and then just give it up. Especially when they've spent money and time on it.
I'm not patient at all - I want things to happen now, I want to do them now, I want to be them now. I don't like waiting. I'm not a patient teacher either - it's drives me nuts when I show someone something and they don't get it right away. That's why I admire teachers so much, especially people who teach children. Gracious, the insane amounts of patience it takes is overwhelming! People ask me all the time if I'm going to home school Gianna and I'm like absolutely not! Gianna would end up hating me because I don't have the patience to teach her and teach her right. Teaching is for patient people, I've seen the results of impatient teachers and the result is an angry, resentful student. I'm not going to risk my relationship with my child in order to keep her at home.
I'm prideful and most of the time I don't know how to just cut loose and have fun and be silly or stupid. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. The only time I really just completely relax is when I'm home with just me and Gianna. She thinks everything is funny and she gets a kick out of dancing around and acting crazy. And I love that! I wish I could just do the same in front of others.
I'm not competitive - I would rather just let you win or have the game so that everyone stays happy. I don't like to rock the boat unless I really feel threatened.
I HATE confrontation - it makes my throat dry and my heart pound. It makes me cry.....if and when people confront me I rarely stand up for myself.
I'm not a super, duper happy all the time person. I see the negative, I see the bad and it often overwhelms the good and positive for me. I don't mean to - it's just how I see things. But I do get tired of people always pointing this out to me as though they are any better at it. Someone recently told me "you seem so angry all the time...." and I thought "Well, so do you!" It's funny how we can't seem to see our own faults but can so quickly pick out others. I do it too, it's alot easier to point to others instead of looking at yourself. But sometimes I think maybe I look at myself too much. To the point that I'm just overwhelmed by my short comings and I don't even know where to start to fix them all. I constantly ask those who are in "authority" over my life or have a position in which I look up to them if I'm doing something wrong, if how I am as a person is creating issues that are indeed my fault. I respect them a lot and listen to what they have to say (even if they think I don't!). But if these people see the same issues in a situation that I do then I know it's not just me - it's not just me seeing what I want to see.
I'm terrible at keeping my house clean and organized! I really try but it's not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to want to hold on to things I have but thanks to my hubby I'm learning to let go and move on because there will always more! I don't want to end up on some hoarding show in the future! Lol! Na, I'm not that bad!

So this is what I see when I look in the mirror. There are good qualities I see, but they are overshadowed by the bad I'm afraid. I do think I'm strong, I keep bouncing back from situations I don't think I ever will. I do forgive even though a lot of times I don't want to. I do admit I'm wrong when I am, even though it would be so much nicer to just pretend I'm right all the time. I'm a loyal friend,although I'm starting to think people don't really want loyalty. I won't lie to you, I won't say anything before I'll lie. I try my best to be a supportive wife and a loving mother. I mess up often but I try my best. I want to be something in life but I don't know what yet....I'm still thinking about that one.

Wait while I pull the knife out of my back....

So this picture pretty much sums up my "friendships" lately! I'm actually not calling them friendships anymore because I now realize that's not what they were. I'm not sure if there is a word for what I've had with certain people lately. I keep trusting people and they keep stabbing me in the back while holding my hand. I forgive people, I do, I guess that's why I keep trusting the same kind of people. Shame on me. What's the old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Well, shame on me because I trusted people who I KNEW weren't any good. People tried to warn me but I just didn't see it. I guess because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to see they've changed. Yet they never do. Thank God for family - as crazy as they can be some time they truly are the only ones who continue to be there. Who you can honestly say ANYTHING to and it may tick them off for a minute and then they are over it.....My husband is always honest with me and I keep asking him if I'm the problem? If I've done something or if I'm doing something that is wrong. But I've figured it out, the only thing I'm doing wrong is choosing to try to embrace someone who is riddled with spite, jealousy, past hurts and regrets and a controlling spirit. And I hate that because there are things about them that are so good and so fun. Those are the things I love about them - but I'm starting to see now that all those things I loved about them are fake.
Someone I know has told me over and over that women are catty and mean and hard to be friends with and that is so true. I try so hard to keep myself in check and not let jealousy or anything overwhelm good friendships. Yet I see it happen over and over. People like to say that they aren't insecure in anything but they are. I know I am! I have insecurities but I don't let them rule me or control who I am friends with. People don't want to be friends with people who put a spotlight on problems in their own lives. When people feel like they are being "shown up" they bail before the water gets to hot and they start feeling to guilty and insecure.
I am overwhelmed and hurt because I've just made amends with this person, I thought she was trust worthy. I thought she was different. But I'm starting to see she is the same as the last person who stuck a knife in my back. That wound hasn't even healed, and now I'm pulling another knife out of it. My husband and I have said it over and over again - it's like non-Christians know how to be better friends then ones who claim to be Christians. They seem to have a deeper sense of loyalty and honesty. Isn't that sad? Sad but true for the most part....don't get me wrong (because I'm sure someone will jump on this!), there are obviously a lot of good Christian people out there who are really good friends. I'm just saying for the most part it seems like Christians are the immature, insecure ones when they are supposed to be the mature, stable ones. I say over and over that half of the people who claim "Jesus" are horrible examples of who He truly is. I'm not a good example a lot of times but I do try.
People who I've never really thought of as friends I've realized have probably been better friends to me then the people I thought were my friends. I wish it was easy for me to just leave it all behind and move on but it's not. I obsess over it and think about it......it's one of my faults. And it just makes my heart break even more. I've cried and cried this afternoon - sometimes I think it's worse then a break up. It is a break up in a way I guess. Someone you've trusted and made apart of your life has officially cut you off. I wish I could honestly say I'm Over It and go on my merry way but it hurts so much I can't breathe sometimes. I wish I wasn't so emotional but since I am I'll just have to deal with it.
I think I'm ready to move - not that moving changes your situation. It doesn't at all, if you are the issue. But at least if I go somewhere else not everyone will know each other and pass rumors and "friendships" back and forth and back around. Here everyone knows every one somehow and it gets old. But hey, it seems that the two people who have stabbed me in the back have re-kindled a non existing friendship! Isn't that humorous? I guess they are a lot alike so they'll have a lot in common. They can exchange lies and fake compliments until they feel all good and fuzzy about themselves. Someone told me I should just go ahead and name names and get it out there but I can't, I have to remain generalized.
Someone I do trust alot told me that the moment you start losing weight and bettering yourself you will start seeing who is truly your friend and who isn't. Who is secure in themselves and what they are and who they are and who isn't. I've done it, I've hated people because they were fit or getting there. I hated them because they were doing something I didn't have the will power and self control and motivation to do myself. And so I guess there are people who feel that same way about me now. This isn't to "toot" my own horn, in fact I feel embarrassed sometimes mentioning I've lost weight or gone down sizes because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable about themselves around me. I don't gloat about it or anything but I do want people to see that I changed my life! I stepped up to the plate, finally, and did something I never thought I could do. I've worked HARD, really hard to get here. It isn't easy. I've never pushed anyone to do it to but don't hate me because I am doing it. Both of these "friends" who've betrayed me have both done it at times when I was going to the "next level" in my fitness and they didn't want to push themselves and so they start stuff. They use all sorts of excuses but they usually choose something they know will crush me. And the funny thing is both times it's been each other. How strange and coincidental. I'm not saying the only reason they have stabbed me in the back is because I've lost weight but I do know that's it's made them uncomfortable and we usually try to get rid of what makes us uncomfortable in life.....I think maybe my honesty and upfrontness at times makes people uncomfortable too because they themselves aren't upfront and honest.
It's hard to let "friends" go, even ones that have been awful to you because you can always remember the good times. And I've had good times with both of these people but they've chosen to throw away those good times and real moments for....well, I'm still unsure why they've thrown them away but they have. And I won't take the blame for it because it's not my fault, I'd willingly admit if it was. In some ways I wish it was so that I could fix it and move on but this time it's not. So I guess I'll try and treasure the good times and forget the bad ones and move on in my life. There will be more friends, hopefully much better ones! But for now I have an amazing supportive husband, a sweet little girl who loves me dearly, an awesome sister who is alot like me and totally different at the same time and family who still, in the midst of everything, loves me. And for that I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for people who, even though we aren't "best" friends any more have never stooped so low as to stab me in the back and cut my heart out ( thanks Mrs. Abel!). I love them for who they are to me!

Are you a real photographer?

( BAD photography!!!!)
(GOOD photography!)


Ok, so these days just about everyone is claiming to be a photographer. Everyone is coming up with "business" names and taking their friends pictures and saying "I'm a photographer". But here's the thing, I know several good photographers. People who I feel truly have an eye for photographing people and things. Who know how to capture people in a natural, but flattering way. How to see things in an artistic fashion, to set things up and to capture a moment. Some photographers are all about simple, natural photographs, some are about posed photographs, some are about scenery and still life, others still see things differently and photograph in a whole new fashion. I like a little posed occasionally but for the most part I like more candid looking shots. Shots that capture movement, facial expressions, ideas and split seconds. Two of my favorite "local" photographers are DeeAnna Pounders of White Umbrella Photography (whiteumbrellaphotography.com) and Sarah Hawkins of Sarah Hawkins Photography (sarahhawkinsphotography.com). They both have a beautiful way of seeing and capturing people. Capturing the most beautiful side of them. Lets be honest, not everyone is "beautiful" to the human eye so a photographers job to capture them at their best, to make you focus on their best feature. I don't understand people who put up insanely unflattering photos of their self and others. So they want people to have such a bad impression of them that when they see them in person they actually "look" better?!! What's the reasoning behind it? I always try to make sure they photos don't make me look better then I look in real life but I also make sure they don't bring unwanted attention to the worst part of me! A photographers job is to capture you looking your best - not sprawled out looking, well, unflattering! Even if you don't want "posed" photos it is still their job to choose angles that look best. To me, as a photographer, you either go to school and learn how to do that OR you are just naturally born with that talent. I'm tired of people becoming "fans" of photography that isn't photography at all. It's someone with a camera taking snap shots. I do that, and I'm NOT a photographer. I take pictures. There is a HUGE difference! I greatly respect people who are truly talented with a camera. It's not easy to take great photos of everyone. Or to snap and click at just the right moment, or to be able to pick out the best photos. I recently have viewed some photos from a couple of other local "photographers" that I know of and goodness, if they only knew how badly they were embarrassing themselves! And what's funny is how many people jump on the band wagon of "supporting" them, putting up pictures that they've taken as pretending they are actually good! I'm all about supporting people's dreams and encouraging them but when someone has NO talent in the field they are pursuing someone needs to be kind enough to step up and tell them. But if you are the one who tells them you are the bad guy, you are squashing someones dream and heart, etc. etc. I get tired of people being thrust into the spotlight when they are far from ready and everyone just play acting along. I see it over and over with 'young' people, everyone jumps on praising them because they want to encourage but all they are doing is setting those people up to be embarrassed and humiliated when someone (and there will be someone, I promise you.) steps up and tells them they are gawd-awful!
So here's my point, I'm tired of everyone jumping on the trend train and calling themselves something they are not just because it's cool. Just because you own a camera doesn't mean you are photographer, just because you hold a mic on stage doesn't make you a singer/vocalist, just because you are in a band doesn't mean you are good, just because you think about exercising and eating right doesn't mean you are fit, just because you say the right things doesn't make you a good friend.....don't support something that is no good just because it's your friend, sister (or "sister"), brother, mom, dad, whatever. Make sure you are judging the actual quality.

My night....

We had dinner out at Chili's tonight with Beej's parents and my sister. It was pretty yummy! Our waitress was crappy and the hostess overheard us mentioning it so the she told the manager and they brought us a complimentary basket of chips and salsa which was so nice because they are my favorite and since I was having my last splurge it was very nice! D and I shared wings, Chili's hot wings are so tasty! I love them....Gianna entertained us all by dancing around in her chair and singing some cute little song she made up about "going to grandma's house, put your hands up to the sky, and drop it to the floor!" Lol! She is such a ham!

We are now watching re-runs of the first season of Merlin on the Sci-Fi channel. I've always loved the story of King Arthur and Merlin and this is a slightly new twist on it. I haven't kept up with it religiously or anything but since I know the basic story of Merlin and Arthur I can follow fairly well. Not to mention King Arthur is too cute!!!
Yes, my official last splurge for the next two months. I've been wanting ice cream, good ice cream, and haven't had any so I thought I'd help myself to some tonight....I decided on the small containers that way there isn't any (or much!) left over tomorrow to tempt me. My first day or two back off sugar and eating right are always kinda hard for me no matter how many times I do it. Sometimes I think never splurging is the answer but then I find myself going nuts if I don't allow myself any "give" room. So I figure a few treats won't hurt me too bad as long as I don't keep it for too long!!!

Back to the grind....

I mentioned before that this week has been a little rough on my eating habits but I haven't gone totally off the deep end! I did continue to work out all week though, I missed yesterday because I was over at my parents house babysitting all day and it's just impossible to work out over there....but tomorrow I start my second round of Insanity and I'm back to super strict on myself. I've had a week "off" and I've eaten a few things I shouldn't have so I've had my little bit of fun and it's back to the grind tomorrow. Part of the problem is after Gi's party last week we've been eating leftovers and "cleaning" out all the food we had around here. Today I realized there was pretty much nothing left in my house! So we went grocery shopping today and did some major stocking up with all things healthy. Ok, well, Beej got a few unhealthy things but they are things I hate anyway so it's no big deal for me - like Almond Joys and Cap'N Crunch. Ugh. But I've stocked up on whole wheat bread, low fat cheese, cottage cheese, fruit, veggies and lean meats.
Beej mentioned a beach trip this summer! I'm over the moon excited! I don't know where or when exactly but it's in the works. I want to go to Gulf Shores hopefully but Florida would be good too. But I do not want to go to any of the NC or SC beaches. Nope. I wanna go to a really pretty beach where they have crystal clear water and white, powdery sand! *sigh* I can see it now - I know Gianna will be so excited and absolutely love it. We probably won't go until July or so and I plan to be totally fit by then and rockin' some cute swimsuits and sun dresses!!! It will be so fun to have a few days of totally relaxing and enjoying each others company and making wonderful memories!

One Day Like This....

Bright Eyed Beauty

I recently had Gianna's 3 year picture taken. White Umbrella Photography did them and they all turned out SO good! It was hard to pick which ones where my favorites but these are a few of them. The one at the very bottom where she has her finger in her mouth I'm getting blown up and framed! I think it is beyond adorable! I liked these a lot because they aren't really "posed", even the posed ones are still pretty candid because Gianna won't just sit still and let you take her picture! There was a good bit of bribing going on to get her to stand still at all and smile. I love all the different expressions that WU captured.....for those of you that are my friend on FB there are a lot more to see but this is a sneak peek so to speak! Getting our family pictures done soon, possibly even tomorrow! Can't wait to see how they turn out.....

Off Track

So I've gotten off track the past couple of nights.....I do well all day and then come supper time I lose it. Mainly just eating too much at one time, not keeping it to small portions of calories. And eating sugar. Ugh. I feel like such a loser. But no more! I'm back to eating right today, no joke. I'm never going to get any ab definition if I keep making excuses and eating crap. I've let myself have a week of "cheating" and that's over now. I'm ready to get in better shape for summer and swimsuit time. I can feel it peeking around the corner, at any minute it's going to burst upon us in all it's heated, sweltering glory! I'm ready to lay out and feel my skin get all toasty and golden brown! Ready for tank tops and shorts and pretty sun dresses, and oh-s0-cute sandals. But for now, I think it's cold outside! Lol!
Planning a girls shopping trip soon - trying to get all the "details" together still but I'm pretty sure we are going before our weekend away! I'm ready for some new summer clothes and hopefully a warm enough weekend to wear them. Tickets FINALLY went on sale for the MM show we are planning to go to while we are away. So my hubby is purchasing them today I think. Plus we are getting the air fixed in the Jeep - not a cheap endeavor by the way but much needed and well worth it plus we are finally going to get our new CD/iPod player in the Jeep! I'm totally stoked about having this before our 6 hr. trip to Bama. It's going to be awesome to actually hook in the iPod and just listen to whatever - because so much of our favorite music isn't on CD, we've just bought it online. It's going to be a jammin' good time!
I want to take Gianna to the big zoo in Columbia soon. We've been to the Greenville Zoo two or three times but never to THE big one! I'm excited because I know she'll have a blast if and when we go. It'll probably have to wait til May though, maybe even June. We have a good bit going in April already....but I've heard that zoo is awesome!
I'm spending most of the day with my siblings because both of my parents are out of town right now. We don't have much planned. The boys will probably spend most of their time on the computer or Xbox. I think I'm going to paint all of us girl's toenails, DeeAnna and Gi are going to paint for awhile, maybe actually get dressed and go take some pictures or something....who knows. Nothing major planned except trying to stick to eating right ALL day! I know, you'd think after two months of eating strict it would be so easy to get back on track but it's not.....but I will do it! I've worked WAY too hard at this to let it all fall by the wayside now. I'm so close to being "fit" in my eyes!!! Woohoo! And with summer approaching this is no time to lose it.

Sing Me A Song.

Every once in awhile when I'm listening to a song one particular line will just jump out at me. It isn't necessarily a full thought but just the way something is worded that makes me think or I just like the way it sounds! Here are a few lines from various songs that I have always liked....

"Pulled up to the motel, vacancy was buzzing. Pink and dirty neon, settled on the hood." - Joy Ride, The Killers

"Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, But it's better than drinkin' alone..." - Piano Man, Billy Joel


"Cause holy cow, I love your eyes And only now I see the light Yeah, lying with me half-awake Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day" - One Day Like This, Elbow


"I want you flow from the pen, bow and brush with paper and string, and canvas tight with ink in the air, to dust your light? from morning to the black of night " - Melody of You, Sixpence None The Richer


"Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing...." - First Train Home, Imogen Heap


"I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart" - The Scientist, Coldplay


"I wake up, it's a bad dream No one on my side I was fighting But I just feel too tired To be fighting Guess I'm not the fighting kind" - A Bad Dream, Keane

Yeah, yeah, yeah.....

So my hubby introduced to me The Yeah Yeah Yeahs a while back and at first I wasn't sure....they have a completely distinctive sound all on their own and I wasn't it was my "thing". But the more I listened to them the more I liked them and started really appreciating Karen O.'s voice and unique writing style. Their new album It's Blitz is totally growing on me and right now their song 'Dull Life' is my favorite!

One mistake in a subtle way
Like I'm walking again, all on me
Step slowly, you know that you fall between
Dark places, what a simple web we weave

We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Know myself
Know myself
Well, oh hell
Prissy queen
Iron bars
Iron heart
Iron bars
Everything

A hundred years old
A hundred years old

Last on the village scene
Fall apart
Iron heart
More alive than you've ever been

We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Well, it's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dark place
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life

Know myself

We've seen the nightmare of your lies
We've seen the nightmare of your lies
We've seen the nightmare of your lies
We've seen the nightmare of your lies
We've seen the nightmare of your lies
We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We've seen the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Know myself

I love that line "We've seen the nightmares of your lies". I have dealt with so many liars in my "short" lifetime and over and over I see the nightmare they not only create for themselves but for those around them. I guess it's because they live a dull life - and being themselves doesn't seem fun or cool enough so they have to create a lie for themselves to feel special. And they think leaving or changing who they hang out with is going to "fix" things when in all reality they are the issue and until they change the same things are going to keep happening and nothing is really going to change. I watched a movie not long ago called Dakota Skye. It was an indie film about a girl with a "super power". Her super power was always knowing when someone was lying - she heard the truth instead in her mind. Even her boyfriend lied to her about simplistic things but one day she met a guy who NEVER lied to her. He just simply put it like it was and left it at that. And in the end she fell in love with him - all because, even when they truth was harsh or not exactly what she wanted to hear, she respected him for just being upfront and honest. And I so want to be like that and find people like that. People who are good with each of us being different. I had a "friend" for awhile who seem to think she had to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear. If she thought I didn't like someone then she would say she didn't, even bash them to convince me I guess. Then to their face she was their best friend and loved them and thinks they are "great"! What she didn't understand was that I didn't expect us to like all the same people or like to do the same things or do things the same way. She didn't realize that I didn't want to be friends with myself - I could easily do that all alone! My best friend right now is very different from me - we don't like all the same things or the same people but we are respectful of that. And in the end it's totally great with both of us! If I don't like it I just say so, and if she does she just says so and we go on! It's pretty simple if you think about it! People think they can leave bad experiences and problems behind when actually they are their own bad experiences. They've created them, nurtured them and carried them around.....things done change unless you change them.

"The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck!" ~Author Unknown

To educate or not to educate!

So I keep going back and forth in my head about going back to school. I hate the thought because I hate studying and writing papers and disciplining myself to doing all that. Plus I worry that I won't be able to do it and be a mom at the same time although I know countless people do it constantly. I don't want to be one of those overstressed moms who gets way in over their heads but doesn't know where to stop. I've seen it and I just don't wanna go there. But at the same time I would like to go into a field I really enjoy or at least think I'll enjoy. I'm still fairly young, I guess. Lol! I don't think I'll ever want to go back into Cosmetology full time - it's fun but it's a hard field to get going and I don't know that I want to be standing on my feet for countless hours anyway. I still enjoy doing hair for my family and few friends or whatever but I don't think I want to try and make a career of that.
As much as I love music and love the "idea" of being in music I don't know that I have the drive, dedication and creativeness to actually do it and be good at it. I guess I've come to the realization that my hubby is probably going to be the artistic, famous one! I don't want to give up on music completely of course but I do want to have a "back up" career where I can get a job and make some money. I guess I want to be able to help lighten Beej's load when it comes to providing and making money. I want to be able to help up get a house and a new car and whatever else may come our way. I want Gianna to be able to be apart of activities without worrying about the money part of it. I'd love to get her into dance and gymnastics and music lessons at some point. But the truth is it all takes money - I see everything that everyone "else" does and I just wonder how. I'm not jealous or angry that they get to do it I just wonder how they do it. Beej and I doing really good with our money - we don't have debt and we keep things simple I guess but still things are usually budgeted out pretty evenly.
I figure if I get started in school fairly soon then I will hopefully have a two year degree by the time (or shortly after) Gianna starts school and whether that is here or somewhere else I'll have a degree to help me get a job somewhere. Or so that's the plan in my head!
We don't know what the future holds for us - we don't want to be here for the rest of our lives yet I know I'm kinda scared to go anywhere else. I don't like the unfamiliar or the unknown. Usually I find that once I step out into it it's not as bad as I have imagined but still, it's making that first step that scares me. We love Huntsville, AL of course and we've always wanted to live in Nashville/Franklin, TN. But obviously jobs and living arrangements have to be right, etc. I guess we need to start doing some serious praying because we have less then two years now to decide and get there! I just honestly don't want Gianna growing up here and living here for the rest of her life. I don't want her to have that poverty mentality that "everyone" around here seems to have. I want her to accomplished and classy, I want her to be smart and have every opportunity to make the most of herself and I just don't feel like that is going to be here. I don't want to be content here, I don't want this to be "it." I want to do more and see more but I'm scared to go......
I keep praying for wisdom and a clear answer - but want I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. I don't want to the full weight and responsibility of making the decision on my own because I'm scared I'll make the wrong one. I did contact the local college to ask them what kind of degree and what kind of courses I'll have to take to go into the field of Nutrition/Health. I've also thought about going into Physical Training too but I figure that seems pretty easy to get into - it seems everyone around here is a personal trainer! Lol! So I figure I can possibly get my certificate in PT later on if I want to. I'm just ready to better myself, or at least I think I'm ready......will I ever really know I'm ready? Will I ever actually be ready or is it just something I'll just have to do?

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Loving Memory...

In Loving Memory of Maddux Cade Sparks
March 23, 2005 - July 2005

Balloons

I wonder what color my balloons will be,
but as a cousin it doesn't matter to me.
It can be many colors, I choose red, green and yellow,
I think I will pick a color for a fellow.
I will let that yellow one go to the sky
and it will fly very high.
Until it reaches heaven for a boy
and he will be filled with so much joy.
I will keep the other two balloons for his brothers and sisters.
And they will be filled with Maddux's whispers.
Maddux didn't live very long and so
his mother and father had to let him go.
He will always be in our hearts,
He will be forever our special sweetheart.
So anytime you see a balloon float by,
think of that someone you love in the sky.

Splurge + Sugar = Feeling Awful.

So I had really been looking forward to my splurge weekend. I completed my 60 days the Thursday before Gianna's party and I knew we were going to have family in for the whole weekend and so I had been planning since I started Insanity to allow myself to kinda splurge over the weekend. No going crazy and gorge or anything but just not be strict with my calories or what I ate. BIG mistake. First of all my body kinda went nuts when I had my very first sugar. After two months of having none it totally freaked! I got a crazy tummy ache and was wide awake until like 3am that night. I had more sugar on Gianna's birthday - cupcake and ice cream and ended up throwing half of it away because it was so overwhelmingly sweet I couldn't stomach it. I had three days of eating "sugar" here and there and it's amazing how awful I felt. Being tired most of the weekend didn't help but I know if I had been eating right I wouldn't have felt as sluggish and yucky as I did. My energy was totally zapped. Not to mention I felt horribly guilty and awful. And I've also realized how quickly you can get "addicted" to sugar again. Suddenly, even though I felt horrible, I felt like I 'needed" sugar. And that ticked me off, I don't want to "need" food or anything like that except good foods. Things that help my body and strengthen me not things that "drug" my body and make me feel bloated and sluggish. I'm realizing now how great I feel when I'm off sugar and off heavy foods made with white flour. I'm eager to get back on track and start feeling good again. Today is my first day back on my Insanity diet. I know it's going to be kinda hard the first day or two "detoxing" my body again but it's worth it in the end. I'm doing another Recovery week - you usually do one in between Month 1 and Month 2 of Insanity but I'm adding another one in between Round 1 and Round 2 just to give my body a healthy break since this past month of Insanity was pretty tough. I'm eager to see what changes I can make in body with this second round - I love the results I got the first time! And I love the feeling of accomplishment I get with it.....
But overall the weekend was a lot of fun - it was so nice to spend some time with my aunt and her family and my grandmother. We don't get to see them as much as I would like. My aunt is expecting her third baby and we are crossing our fingers for a boy!!! Her first baby, a boy, passed away at four months old. Today is his birth day, he would have been 5 years old today. Her second, a girl, my cousin Ava is a month older then Gianna almost to the day! It was fun being pregnant with my aunt! So it's kinda surreal this time because she is pregnant and I'm not....not that I want to be at all it's just odd this time around! We did a couple of "wives tales" gender predictions and got boy every time so we are all holding our breath!!! She finds out in a week! We also went to Charlotte on Sunday and I got to go to an Ikea for the first time and WOW! It was incredible. Beej and I fell in love with everything in that store. It's all so sleek and modern. We did find our couch for sure and will hopefully be getting that really soon.....we are still hunting for a dining room table. It seems like the ones we want are really popular right now and everywhere we look is out of stock including Ikea! So we are still searching, we want one of those high Pub style tables.....We are slowly trying to modernize our "look" at our house. My grandmother didn't like Ikea because everything was too modern - she still likes that overstuffed, Victorian look!
We are planning our weekend get away to Bama soon! Just a couple of weeks away - I'm looking forward to getting away and relaxing and seeing our favorite band again. It's worth the drive just to see them but I think we may visit some family too. I'm hoping it's a nice weekend when we go, not super hot but warm and Spring like! I'm planning to go get some new summer clothes at the end of the month - Plato's Closet here I come! A few summery dresses and some new shorts and shirts too. I need to find an Easter dress too. Whew, so much to look for and so much fun as well!!!

Oh, My Love.

I love this man more than words can express.
He is my heart and soul.
He still makes my heart skip a beat and his kisses still make me melt!
I love his determination and honesty.
He is strong and self confident.
He is hard working and smart.
He is creative and artistic.
He is the better part of me.
I love his jokes even if I don't get them all!
I am proud to be his wife.
He is my truest love.

Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as h*ll and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as h*ll
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as h*ll and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as h*ll
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as h*ll and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as h*ll
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

My Big 3 Yr. Old

Gianna is three now. Wow. I can't get over it. 3 seems so much more grown up then 1 and 2 did. She's so independent and mouthy! Lol! No, she is independent and she can have a pretty smart mouth for a three year old sometimes but she is also sweet and funny and I adore her! Her birthday party was a lot of fun - we had SO much food! She had a few "meltdowns" towards the end but it was close to nap time and all the excitement wore her out. I'm already planning next years - lol!!! Already have the theme picked out unless of course she has some theme she really wants instead.
I just recently changed all my Facebook albums to private - I didn't realize that "Friends" of my friends could see them. So I put up a few of the birthday pics for those who aren't my friends on FB but want to sneak a peek! Lol!
We had a great day yesterday too - Gianna's actual birthday. We went to Charlotte and did a little shopping and then went to eat at Razzoo's Cajun place. So yummy and fun. They sang to Gianna and brought her a huge brownie! Spending time with family from out of town was great too! It was so nice to see them and have them come up to celebrate Gi's birthday!!!

Best Friend....

I just have to say I love my best friend dearly! She is so great! We had such a wonderful time out tonight....just having fun. Shopping for our girls, eating dinner, getting her first tattoo, going to a coffee shop and standing in line for the New Moon dvd! It was wonderful and such a great time. Never once did the conversation lag and I never felt awkward....it's so easy being with her! I love how funny she is and her perspective on life, how encouraging and supportive she is and how she just likes me for me! That's such a great feeling. I can't thank her enough for being such a wonderful friend......

It's FRIDAY!

It's here, finally! The weekend has arrived in all it's anticipated glory! I have been looking forward to this Fri-Sun. for a few months now. I'm just hoping it goes as smoothly and as wonderfully as I have envisioned in my mind. I have so much to do but it's going to be fun! I got in bed later then normal last night, not good. But we did go get Gianna's birthday presents last night and I know she'll be thrilled! Also picked up the rest of the party decorations.....today we are going shopping for all the food! We are going to have everything Mexican - tacos, burritos, fajitas, chips & dip, etc. I'm so excited to see the cake too!
My bestie and I are headed off to WeeRuns tonight, we have been talking about this since January and we are beyond excited! We've always found great deals and great stuff there. I recently heard someone comment that they never found anything of good quality there....I guess they save all the good quality stuff for girls! Lol! Although I do know girls aren't nearly has hard on clothes as boys are so they tend to wear better and last longer. I'm looking for summer dresses and shirts and summer shoes. Gianna has plenty of winter shoes but not a lot of summer ones. It's so fun finding such cute stuff for such a cheap price.....
After that we are going to go get some dinner somewhere - I love going to dinner with my bestie, next to my husband she is my favorite dinner "date". We have such a good time talking about everything and nothing. We just seem so comfortable with each other and I love that! It's so refreshing!
Then we are off to do girly stuff - like stand in line for the New Moon dvd! I love that she is so passionate about Twilight that she's willing to drive and stand in line for the dvd's! It makes me feel better about how much I love the story and characters! We are waiting with money in hand for the tickets for Eclipse to on sale and we'll be standing in line for hours to see the movie when it comes out. I can't wait!!! I'm so excited about summer this year - for some reason the same things we do every year seem so much more exciting this coming year. Maybe because I seem to have a fresh out look on life lately....I just feel more appreciative and alive. It's a good thing!
But here's to Friday (*toast*!) and the fun to come!!! Thank God for good girl friends!!!!

Day 60!!!!

Today is Day 60 of Insanity! I can't believe I made it! I finished the program and only skipped two work outs, and I only "cheated" on my diet 3 times and even those cheats were that bad. I haven't had any sugar at all for two months straight and that in itself is HUGE for me! I've lost inches and pounds this time around and I'm thrilled! I'm in my goal size of a size 4 from Old Navy for Gianna's party. That was my deadline. And I'm finally under 130lbs and I haven't been there since before Gianna was born! I still want to lose about 8 more pounds but that will go if I can just get my midsection as toned as I would like. Like I've said before my biggest worry is maintaining but I think I've already started to develop some great habits when it comes to eating right and working out. I'm more conscience of what I eat and what it does to me once I eat it. I don't do mindless eating now. Exercising isn't that hard anymore, it's just finding programs that are "hard" enough and keep my metabolism up high and burning. I'm proud of myself, I never thought I could do it but here I am! It's still hard, I still struggle, I still mess up. I messed up yesterday at lunch but I didn't allow it to mess up my whole day. Used to if I cheated once I would just throw out the whole day and be like "Well, I messed up already so I guess it doesn't matter.." but now, if I do "cheat", I don't cheat the rest of the day. I shore up and eat better and smaller portions for the rest of the day. It's a balancing act for sure. The main thing is eating small portions of anything that you eat so that you body doesn't get overwhelmed and bogged down with calories. I'm not posting before and "afters" on here but I providing you a link to where I did post them. If you choose to look at them, great, if not, no biggie! I don't like to label them before and after because I'm not done. I'm starting my second round of Insanity on Monday and I plan for my results to be even better after that so for now it's before and "durings"!!! lol! Hopefully I can inspire others to jump on the exercise/workout/healthier train! I don't want people to be "angry" or jealous of me, I want them to say "Hey, if she can do it, so can I!" And find motivation and inspiration to do something good for themselves. Your goals don't have to be the same as mine - my goal at this point is ab definition! You may not want that - maybe you goal is just fit into one pants size smaller - if so that's just as great! Work towards it, it can be done!!! Good luck to everyone who is starting a journey towards a better YOU!!!

You can see my before and "during" pics here teambeachbody.com/gigibug

Another day, and a few less dollars!

So we are off to find a pinata' today for Gianna's birthday party! Looks like we're heading up to Spartanburg to the Party City there because I can't find one around here. I want to make sure it kinda goes with the "theme" too of a Fiesta. Not necessarily Dora but certainly fiesta themed and I thought this donkey one was so cute! I like the "idea" of pinata but at the same time it kinda weirds me out that we are going to be smacking this poor thing with a bat! Lol! I'm too sensitive about that I guess. But I'm going to fill it with candy and small toys and give each child a little bag to collect goodies instead of doing actual gift bags. Should be a fun time! I finished Gianna's tutu last night. It's adorable and turned out a lot better then I had even hoped. She is going to look so sweet in it! The weekend is almost here! Fri- Sun is going to be so fun and SO busy but I'm looking forward to spending time with wonderful friends and family celebrating the life of my sweet little girl - what could be better?!

PARK TIME - March 16, 2010

We spent some time at the park last night and D brought her camera and snapped a few pictures. She's great at getting good angles on things, I love her shots! Of course Gianna looks so cute with her little pigtails. She had fun getting out! We didn't get to go with our besties yesterday because my best friend got sick and wasn't able to bring her girls but we'll do it again soon. But since I had promised Gianna park time - and she's at that age where she DOES NOT forget what you tell her - we went around 6pm yesterday and had a little fun!
So we are off for the day - well, after I work out and clean up, can't leave without doing that! Tomorrow is my Day 60! I'm going to finish out the week but tomorrow I will have completed a full around of Insanity! Monday starts my second round!!!