When Will Enough Be Enough?

Today I got up and going a little late. Gianna woke up at 7:30am or so and I went and got her and put her in bed with us but she never went back to sleep. Beej finally got up with her and I fell back asleep and had crazy, insane dreams for about another hour. I finally got up around 8:30am and felt drugged and headachy. So odd. So I was kinda feeling rough and slow getting up and about. Had breakfast and then Beej wanted to go ahead and leave and run an errand up in Hendersonville. We had already planned to go with him - D was spending the day with a friend so we decided to go with him and get some lunch once his errand was done. Gianna napped on the way up for awhile and she did really great at lunch. We went to a pizza buffet and she ate insane amounts of cheesy bread! Lol! She seems to be going through a growth spurt lately. Most of the time she isn't much of an eater, she snacks here and there but doesn't really eat alot. But then for a few days every few months she goes through this stage where she eats constantly! I can't seem to keep her fed, she is always saying I'm hungry, Mommy! And that's the stage she's in right now. She's become obsessed with peanut butter on a spoon! She asks for it all the time.
After we got back from running our errand and having lunch out Beej and I decided to try and get the yard mowed before it started raining again. It seems like ever since we moved into this house it's been raining so much we don't get a chance to cut it enough and by the time we do it's so deep and thick that it's a major pain in the neck to cut. I think the house sits on 1/2 an acre of land and over half of that is all yard that has to be mowed! So it's no small task! I helped do about half of the main front yard before my mower just decided to call it quits. Beej finished the rest while I came inside and straightened up things around the house and made Gi and I some quick dinner. I was really pooped but decided that after pizza for lunch I HAD to get a work out in. Even though I ate healthy for lunch and dinner the pizza was putting a lot of guilty pressure on me so I did a sculting work out with weights for 40 mins. and then did 20 minutes of Turbo Jam Cardio. I'm glad I did it although I think I pulled a muscle in my arm lifting on my weights wrong but I'm sure it'll be fine.....

Speaking of working out and getting healthy. I have been going through a mini depression over the whole issue. I think all my horrible eating has finally caught up with me and even though weight wise I haven't gained much at all, I have put back on inches and I can see them. UGH! I feel like my mid section is wider and flabbier then ever. I know, people tell me that I look great and blah, blah, blah but honestly unless I feel great about myself I just feel like they are pacifying me. And I hate that. I do know that I probably have a warped image of myself. I look in the mirror and see fat and pudge and dumpy and lumpy. Yes, it's true. That's what I see. Funny how that doesn't seem to motivate me enough. But when is enough finally enough? I feel like I'm working SO hard at this - I work out, hard, 5-6 times a week, I'm trying my darndest to eat right and watch the amount of calories I eat (granted the past three weeks I haven't...), try to keep my lifestyle as active as I can even when I'm not working out yet I still feel like I'm no where near where I want to be. I have friends who have had 3 and 4 children who are now sporting their size 1/2. I'm still in a 6, sometimes at best a tight 4. That discourages me so much. I just don't know how much more effort I'm supposed to put into this before I'm where I want to be. I don't think my image is too off base. I don't expected to be completely ripped or anything - I just was a flatter stomach, no love handles and decently toned arms. Is that too much to ask for or get? I am quite discouraged to be honest....I've noticed myself leaning towards my looser clothing and my baggier things because I feel uncomfortable with myself again. I don't want to be here.....truly, yet I just can't seem to pick myself up out of this hole. I'm really hoping I see some positive improvement with my measurements and weight by this coming Wednesday or I may totally lose it. Keeping my fingers crossed.