Trust you...or trust you not.

Trust is defined as reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person or thing. Confident expectation of something, hope.

I struggle with trust. Not in the usual way that people struggle with trust. Most people struggle with NOT trusting. I struggle with being willing to trust too quickly and too openly. I tend to get hurt because I give people the benefit of the doubt as far as how they will handle me, my emotions, my well being, etc. I forget how selfish and hard some people can be. I tend to believe there is truly good in everyone although I often see people in such a negative light. Somehow past their negative points I trust that there is good there. I have often been mistaken. And that has led me to be a little stand offish when people start throwing around the word friend. I believe at this point that I have very few TRUE friends, most of them are family. As crazy and off as family can be when it comes down to it, for the most part, family is there if you really need them. But sometimes even trust in my family has been misguided and thrown away. I am very close to one of my sisters, she lives with me and my family right now and for the most part it works well. We enjoy each others company and deep down I believe I can trust her - I trust her with my child which I believe is the biggest form of trust you can put on someone! But my other sister and I don't have such a great relationship. I can't say it's completely either of our faults, I'm sure there is fault on both sides, but I trusted that us being family would conquer any true issues we had with each other. But I was wrong. It's hard to be at odds with someone you truly love and care about. Especially when they are angry at you because you care and because you are trying so hard to help them see the Light. I've had to stop trying, I've had to step back and trust that somehow God will bring the Truth to her because I can't do it. She is angry with me because I expected more out of her then she is willing to be and give. She has cut me out of her life because I won't accept the sin she is deliberately living in. She expects my love for her to turn a blind eye and be ok with it. And I just can't do that, especially when I have a 3 year old child that if very impressionable at this stage in life. She copies what she sees me and her daddy doing....it is hard though to lose your trust in someone. And I can't say that even after everything I've been through with certain people that I've completely lost trust in them. There is some stupid part of me that still wants to believe that maybe this time around will be different. There is something inside me that longs to trust them again - because the truth is most of the people I've lost trust in are good people in some aspects in life and my heart longs for that part of them. And there is something that wants to believe that the good part of them will overcome the bad. But it doesn't, and I've tried it over and over with people....I give them time, think they've changed, think they've seen the error of their ways only to return and get blindsided once again. Trust is something that has to be earned, you hear that over and over again - sometimes I wonder though how long till you can truly say it's been earned. What if someone time and time again comes through for you only to finally, as you are coming to fully trust them, let you down completely? I guess then trust is unearned. I want to be a trust worthy person, I hope that is something people can say about me. I try my best to be, but sometimes I wonder if I have blinded myself into believing I am when I'm not. I'm not quite sure how to tell exactly! I'm not sure anyone has ever told me I'm trust worthy or that they truly trust me with something. Hopefully I can come to be known as a trusty worthy person by those that I do truly and rightfully trust!