What Makes Me Feel This Way?

Isn't it funny how your mind can convince you of things? I swear today that looking in the mirror I had gained 5lbs! I just feel so fat and bloated today although I've eaten very well for the past few weeks and I've exercised more then ever and I fit into a pair of pants I haven't worn for over two years! And they are kinda loose on me already! I've measured and I've lost inches yet I still look in the mirror or I see pictures of myself and I still feel like I'm as fat as ever! And people can tell me all day long that I look good and look like I've lost but until I can see it in pictures and in the mirror I won't believe it! It does make me feel good when my hubby tells me I look like I've lost or changed because he's never lied to me, in fact sometimes he's brutally honest! Lol! But I love him for it and so I know he'd never tell me something that isn't true! I can't wear the "wedding" ring I've been wearing anymore, it's too big now! So I'm wearing a different one, my goal is to be able to wear my actual engagement ring and 1 yr. anniversary band. It's a size 5!!! I'm still working hard towards my goal of a size 6 jean at the end of the month but I'm also realizing it might be too big of a goal for the moment. So I'll be happy with an 8 too. Although I'm wearing some 8's now so I still don't think it's completely impossible! I really want to get something super cute to wear to the concert my hubby and I are going to at the beginning of November. It's going to be a very artsy event and I want something totally cool to wear and feel great in!!! I'm hoping it's really cool out that night so I can wear long sleeves! I don't know if I wanna go grungy, rocker, preppy or what!

Resistance....

And so I have made it two days without cheating once! Laugh if you want but for me that's a great start because I've had plenty of opportunities to do just that! Yesterday and today I've completed resisted the Breyer's ice cream that's in the freezer right now. And today I've resisted lots of yummy food at Taco Bell, I only ate a hard shell chicken taco! And then we went out for Mexican for dinner and chips & salsa are so my thing but guess what I ate only 5 little chips! Yup! And then I had grilled chicken and some refried beans! We then we out to a coffee shop and I resisted those delicious Mocha Frappe' I love so much and got a unsweet mint iced tea instead! And it actually was very good and very refreshing! And I didn't leave feeling guilty or yucky. I left feeling upbeat and good about myself! If I can just keep it up for the rest of the month I'll be doing pretty good I think! I went to the store today and just held up a size 6 jeans to me and I'm pretty hopeful! I think about 2 or 3 more inches off my hips and I'll be there!!! Woohoo!!! I'm feeling pretty good! I've decided to add Cardio X at least twice a week to my workouts already. It'll be an extra 1000 calories burned each week and that's a good thing. I think my metabolism is definantly kicking up, I sweat like crazy when I work out and I feel alot hotter when I'm just resting too which is a good sign. Or so I'm told! My size 7 ring is practically falling off of me now! I'm really excited! I haven't been able to wear my actual engagement ring and wedding band since I got pregnant....it's a 5!!! Lol!
Gianna is driving me nuts lately, especially in the evenings. It's like she get so wild and she does everything to annoy me and aggravate me. I really try to be patient but she just keeps at it until I'm beyond frustrated. I usually let her stay up late with me when Beej is gone but tonight she went to be right at 9pm because she would stop hitting my computer. The potty training is becoming worse and worse. When I put underwear on her now she just pees in it, it's like she doesn't even try to get to the potty. I'm so annoyed with the whole thing. I feel like just putting her back in diapers again. I'm not even sure how to help her get it. She was doing SO good for awhile. I guess I just need to stay home for 3 days straight again and put her on the potty every 20 minutes or so.....maybe she'll get it then.

My "Before" pics....Warning: Not Pretty!

So I've been trying to decide whether or not to put up my "before" pictures or not. I finally decided that it would be good for me. I need to get over myself, I want people to see the changes that are happening. Very slowly but surely. I haven't seen a ton of changes just yet but I can see a difference and I know I've lost inches so I'm inspired to keep going. I want the Before and After pictures to be seriously different at the end of this! Well, there will be no end really, I want to make this a lifestyle not a phase. I'm hoping my Day 90 and my Day 120 pictures will be amazing! Don't laugh to hard or throw up on your keyboard when you look at these. I'm so embarrassed I've let myself get this far but I have and I admit it and I'm also trying my HARDEST to change that right now. I'm not doing a little pansy "workout" for 30 minutes. I'm sweating my face off for an hour to an hour and a half 6 days a week! I'm still working on my diet but I'm doing so much better then I was!!!! I hope that farther down the road I can be an inspiration to those around me.....This is very humbling for me but hey, pride goes before a fall. Maybe this will inspire me even more!!! Lol!

"I Have A Dream!" Haha!

( I would love to look like this! Love her hair color and love her outfit!!! Smokin'!!!)

Another day! My weekend was crazy! We spent Saturday up at the Fall Festival downtown, hanging out with our besties. It was hotter then I expected it to be but fun! Then we watched Alabama football and packed up for our late night trip to Alabama. We drove all night and got in around 2:30am. Spent Sunday running around going to various churches and meetings. And then drove to Knoxville, got in around 2:00am. Drove the rest of the way home Monday! It was exhausting and practically pointless now that I think about it. Beej was off yesterday, it was so nice to have him home in the evening. He watched football and read while I caught up on CSI and The Vampire Diaries online. Thank God for internet! I am totally loving The Vampire Diaries, no they will NEVER hold a candle to Twilight but it's still pretty good! They even made a jab at Twilight last night! Shame!
So I did my Day 30 and Day 60 photo comparison and although I can see "some" differences it's not what I was hoping for. So I'm buckling down and sticking to my diet like glue this month and try to get off at least another 5lbs. I am planning to go shopping for new jeans and some new Fall clothes at the end of the month and I'd be really happy if I was fitting into a size 6 pants by then! I'll be thrilled! I'm really excited and motivated to do it. I'm still working out hard, even planning to through a few extra cardio workouts in too. I just don't understand how all these super skinny people do it. I see celebs eating all the time and I know they workout but I feel like I'm working out like crazy and not seeing the results I want. This is serious hard work! Maybe my expectations are too high, JUST KIDDING!!! I know it's going to take awhile to get exactly where I want to be but I'm willing to do my best to get there. I'm tired of be fat and frumpy, this county is wearing off on me too much and I hate it. I used to be stylish and now I got to Wal Mart in God knows what! Gianna has started talking like a hick now, that in its self makes me wanna move somewhere else!

Sometimes we have to say goodbye

Today was a sad day for me. After much thinking and talking about it I finally took one of my cats to the shelter. We had two, Gandalf and Esme'. We've had Gandalf since my hubby and I got married four years ago. He's a great cat, easy going and laid back. He's pretty old too so he's not hyper or super active which is great since we live in a small apartment. But I was at the vet about 8 months ago and saw a beautiful black and white female. She was fixed and declawed and seemed so sweet! I just had to rescue her so against my hubby's advice I got her. It took awhile for her and Gandalf to get along. Gandalf likes his space and she was all up in it! But they finally settled down and I thought everything would be fine. But I soon realized that she was super hyper. Tears around the house like a mad cat. She was very moody - some days you could pet her and love on her and then other days she'd bite you! She made the biggest mess when she ate, knocking cat food all over the bathroom floor. Then she decided that instead of climbing at the side of the blinds onto the window seal she would just tear a giant hole in the blinds. So now two of my blinds have big holes in them. Ugh. And then after we'd all get in bed she's start wondering around meowing. I tend to adapt the things better then my hubby does and she really got on his nerves. He endured it for 8 months but I knew he hated her. And then I realized that come Christmas time she'd be tearing down my Christmas tree and garland and the presents and I would end up being so frustrated. But I still didn't want to take her to the shelter but no one else wanted her. I still feel so sick to my stomach thinking about her being at that shelter in a cage. I could just cry all over again. After I left her there I got in the car and Gianna started crying and saying "Where is my Esme'?" I just broke down and sobbed for like 10 minutes. I feel so guilty. She trusted me and loved me, I had rescued her and then just threw her back. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I pray to God someone adopts her and loves her. I really did but this is what I had to do for now. I don't think we'll be getting anymore pets anytime in the up and coming future. We'll stick with Gandalf til we have more room. I just hope Gandalf won't be lonely without her.....the house will seem so quiet without her tearing around and trying to get out the door every time we open it. Good bye, Esme' - I'm truly sorry.

Little Bribes

“Little Bribes“, from Death Cab for Cutie’s new EP, The Open Door

The Eiffel Tower built to smaller scale
The freshest oxygen I’d ever inhale
I tapped a bottle against the safety rail
Killing time

And you were like a walking compliment
Tall in stature and exceptionally read
In dummy glasses and a cardigan
Oh come on

And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around

You said that all these things
You’ve learned to ignore
The hidden cameras on the casino floor
And what gets paid for behind hotel doors
Oh come on

Pretend every slot machine is a robot
Amputee waving hello
The people stare into their eyes
And they feed them little bribes
And then they go

The never ending twilight
In a basement where the sun has never spilt
You said that you were lonely
And then we kissed like lonely people do

You said this city has a beating heart
That pushes people down the boulevard
And they’re all hoping for a wish fulfilled
In a desert for a dollar bill
Those foolish dreams you know they plague me still
Oh come on

And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around
And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around

Empty …..

I Love Him Because....

I love him because he is outspoken, never afraid to say what's on his mind even if he knows it won't make him "popular".

I love him because he's confident, he's sure of himself and where he is going, what he is doing.

I love him because he's a hard worker, he bends over backwards to provide for us.

I love him because he's smart, he has a great head on his shoulders. He thinks beyond his years.

I love him because he's creative, his ideas that come to life musically and lyrically amaze me.

I love him because he's patient. Patient with my lack of motivation, my lack of organizational skills, lack of controlling my moods!

I love him because he's organized - yes, organized! And I'm a little bit better at it then I was before all because of him!

I love him because he's tender - he makes me feel so loved!

I love him because I feel safe when I'm with him.

I love him because even when I don't make sense he does his best to listen to me.

I love him because he's motivated to be someone and to make things better for all of us.

I love him because he's handsome - girls still flirt with him and in some way it makes me feel good that I've got him and they don't!

I love him for his sense of humor - even though I may not get the joke all the time I still see how funny he can be!

I love him for his carefree attitude (at appropriate times!) - he knows when to let loose and have fun!

I love him because he has exceptional taste in music - he's introduced me to all the bands I love today!

I love him because he's stylish - he totally rocks his look!

I love him because he's an amazing daddy - I've never seen anyone love a child like he loves Gianna.

I love him because he gave me a second chance at loving him and being with him!!!! What would I do without him?

Yes, I love him! With everything in me and more and more every day. Do we argue? Of course we do but we make up quickly because we know we don't want to waste our time together being angry. He has given so much to me and Gianna, and I only hope that what we give back is a fraction as good! There are so many more reasons I could list but these seem like a good few to start with.....why do you love who you are with? Take this idea and blog about it yourself. Thinking about why you fell in love in the first place will probably make you fall in love all over again!!!!