When you miss old friends.....

I have always had this insane desire to have a friend, a dear friend. One of those friends who is more like a sister than just a friend. Someone I could trust, someone who loved me unconditionally and didn't hold things against me when I said them or did them especially when I didn't mean them. Someone I could trust my child with and who would in turn trust her kid(s) to me, someone to do things with, go places with, hang out at my house, etc. You know, the Diana Berry of friends (if you haven't seen Anne of Green Gables you won't know who that is!). But so far, in my 25 years of life, I haven't found that. I think maybe I'm looking to hard or trying to hard. I try to make people my best friend and when it doesn't work out or they don't want to be that kind of friend back I feel completely discouraged. I think maybe it's one of those things where one day when I'm finally done trying to find that friend she'll show up and before I realize it I'll have what I've always wanted. I'm not even sure people are raised to be that kind of friend anymore. It's kinda a dog eat dog world now and everyone is always looking out for themselves rather than anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I know some great ladies but they all seem to live far away. :-(

I had a friend I met when we first moved to NC. She took me in when I knew no one. I was pretty sure she was my Diana Berry! We spent so much time together. My parents kinda thought she was a bad influence. She taught me about boy bands, boyfriends, shopping, sleeping in and the birds & the bees! We spent countless hours dreaming about life, imagining our weddings (to boy band members no less!), and planning to be friends forever. We had a lot of up's and down's. A lot of pressure from parents and other friends, etc. and we lost sight of why we liked each other in the first place. Jealousy became an issue from both of us. I guess maybe it's a "natural" thing between teen girls trying to find their place in the world. Who knows. But we grew apart and didn't speak for awhile. A few years ago we once again tried to be friends. I mean, we had grown up a lot, we were both married, each had a kid.....we had so much in common, right? But again, there were issues. I felt like she was constantly trying to out do me and in turn I felt like I had to try so hard to "match" her even though I didn't want to. And even though we had great times together suddenly things were falling apart like they did before. And I've always wondered why. What there is between us that we just can't make it work. We both liked each other a lot, we loved each other like sisters. And even after all the crap we've been through, all the crap we've said to each other out of hurt & anger - I still care about her. Deep down I wish her the best and want to see her happy. I wonder what's going on in her life. I guess maybe it'll always be that way. After all she was my best friend, and even though we may not be any more it's sorta like your first love. You never forget them even if you parted badly. We both have been in the wrong and part of me wonders about getting back in touch with her sometimes but then the other part of me is scared it will just end in a melt down and awful things being said between us......but the other part of me will always miss the good times. The laughing, the sharing, the fun. I still think of her when I see mini Snickers, Mountain Dew or Combos. I still think of her when I heard anything by the Backstreet Boys! Even though we aren't best friends now I still appreciate the good times we had together and I think I'll forever wish we could have worked out as best friends. But even though we aren't I think we'll always care about each other even if we don't want to admit it! Because sometimes you just miss old friends.

Birthday Photo Dump!

(I was so excited at how this turned out! So much so that it's still up!)

(Our Lemon & Strawberry cupcakes with a host of fairies on top!

Cut all those out by hand....whew. And thanks to my lovely sister

for drawing it!)

(Gianna & her cousin Ava. Yes, they are only a month apart!)

(My sister's handmade birthday sign. Loved it. It's still up too! Lol!)

(Goodie bags)

(Gifts for the birthday girl)

(Gigi & her friends with their handmade wands.)

(Fairy picnic)

(Cupcake time!)

(My sweet 5 year old!)

(The little fairy opening gifts.)

All in all it went really well. Her cousin from AL was there and two of her best friends from school. The perfect amount! I don't think I could handle more than two from her school. Lol! She had a blast and I was really pleased with how everything turned out and a very special BIG thank you to my sister, Charity, without her half of this stuff would have never been pulled off as well as it was! Everyone kept saying it was all so "creative" and that made me happy. Can't believe Gigi's already five. She's already talking about being 6. *sigh* Slow down already!

Uno, Dos, Tres......

1. I may have become mildly obsessed with The Hunger Games over the past week. I mean, I've been looking forward to the movie since I first saw the trailer. But I decided I wanted to read the first book before I saw the movie. I prefer to do that if I can. But the library had a wait list a mile long for it but then my sister snagged it and read it then let me borrow it and I was HOOKED! Read it through in one afternoon/evening. Saw the movie last night and holy bananas!!! It was incredible! I want to see it again and take my hubby to see it. But of course after reading the book & seeing the movie I was desperate to see what happens next so even though my name is on the wait list at the library I went out and bought Catching Fire today because I couldn't wait to read it. And guess what?! I read it this afternoon. Yup. It's done. I'm breathless and dying to read the next one because the author is great at leaving you hanging at a crucial point. Geez.

2. Gigi seems to be over her sickness. Thank Jesus. Now I've got some sorta cold/sinus/head thingy going on. Stuffy nose, horribly sore throat (which is finally much better today.) and now some kind of eye issue. My tear duct is visibly swollen in one eye and it burns if I get any contact solution or anything on it. So I've worn my glasses all day today and I'm popping Benadryl at night just to be able to breathe enough to get some sleep......

3. We had Gigi's birthday party this weekend too. It was quite a hit and she had a blast. It was busy and fun with some of my family in town to visit too. It's always great to see them and Gigi and her cousin always have a blast playing together! It was so sweet of them to make the trip up from Bama. The guys played golf, us girls went to see The Hunger Games, and the little girlies got lots of playtime together. So all in all a great weekend! And I'll hopefully have pics of Gi's party up tomorrow.

4. I'm trying to get better with my skin routine. My mother was always great with hers all my growing up years and I'm seeing the benefits of it now so I've decided better late than never so I'm doing my best to use my cleanser & moisturizer daily and I recently got a moisturizing mask to do at night too. Especially since summer is around the corner and I like to keep my make up to a minimum and I like to lay out a lot too and I don't want to dry out my face too much.

5. Tomorrow would have been the start of my 4th week of Brazil Butt Lift. But with everything going on this past week I honestly skipped out on my work outs WAY too much so I'm going to repeat week 3 tomorrow. I can't say I'm seeing drastic changed yet but I am seeing changes. I feel like things are more lifted and a little firmer. And I feel like my outer thighs are shrinking too. So yay for that!

6. Still haven't found a job. It's so frustrating. My hubby is talking about getting a part time job on the weekends if I can't find something soon. I really don't want that to happen so I'm begging God to open something up soon. I've put in a lot of applications but I'm going to try and get a few more in this week. Maybe a hostess job or something.......

So there's a quick update. I've been a bit of a lousy blogger lately but bear with me....I'll get it together soon! Lol!

5 Years Ago....

This little cutie pie is 5 today. Five. She is so smart and so funny but sometimes I can't

believe she's five. She's still so cute & tiny!

It's hard to believe that 5 years ago at this very moment I was being jabbed with needles and nurses were blowing through the veins on my hands. Lol! It's funny now but I was sobbing like a baby then. And then at 10:52am this adorable, tiny, chubby baby was born and changed our lives forever.

She's made us work hard, learn to love each other more, be more patient with her and each other and see life in a whole new way. She's brought so much joy and laughter and fun to us!

It's funny to see bits of my personality and lots of Beej's meld together with some of her own to create this adorable, spunky, funny little girl! She makes me smile each and every day. I couldn't imagine not having her now. She changed my view on motherhood. I never ever thought I wanted to be a mom but she has made me realize what a wonderful thing it really is.

We are celebrating her today and I couldn't be more excited!

She took cupcakes to school to share with her friends, she only has a half

day of school so later today we're going to take her to the local bounce house playground

then she's asked to go to Zaxby's for dinner (she said McD's first then switched, thank God!). I told her she could pick a little cake out at Wal-Mart afterwards. Even though we'll have

cupcakes at her party on Saturday but I can't let her actual birthday day go by with out a cake and candles and balloons!

So happy birthday, sweet girl! We love you!

Never ending.

That's my "this week/weekend has kicked my butt" face! Seriously, this weekend I figured we'd all be on the up and up since Gianna was on a new antibiotic. I figured we'd stay low key so she'd have plenty of time to re-coop before school started Monday. Saturday night after dinner Beej started feeling bad, said his stomach didn't feel right and he went to bed early. Gianna was still not feeling great and slept kinda restless that night. The next morning Beej was full blown sick as a dog. I thought maybe it was a stomach bug at first but after we talked about it we decided it was food poisoning. We had both eaten pretty much the exact same thing on Saturday except he had a chicken biscuit from McD's that morning. 8-9 hours later he was sick. He spent all day Sunday throwing up, tossing around in bed and battling a fever. And on top of Gianna still wasn't getting any better.......

By 8pm on Sunday I knew Gi wasn't going to school & she needed more help than the antibiotic was offering. She wasn't any better, in fact, she seemed worse. She started crying and tell me her throat and chest hurt. So I left Beej in bed and took her to the ER. My sister was just getting off work so she came and sat with us. She was still running a 103 fever & they gave her Motrin to bring it down. The dr. came in listened to her chest and was concerned that she sounded a bit wheezy and seemed to be laboring to breathe a little. He said he was pretty sure she had a bronchial infection & possibly a viral respiratory infection. So he gave her a dose of a steroid and within 30 minutes she seemed to really perk up and start looking and feeling better. He was still concerned with her breathing so he decided to give her a breathing treatment. She did really well and they sent us home with a prescription for the steroid and told me to keep giving her antibiotic too.

She slept so well that night. I slept upstairs with her since Beej was still really sick. She hardly snored at all, she's been having such a hard time breathing and she's been snoring SO loud. And she slept really good so I was thrilled. But when I got her up Monday morning to get ready for school she was still a little out of it and kept crying. So I decided to keep her home one more day. Gave her the dose of steroid I was supposed to and within 30 minutes she had become an emotional basket case. She just kept crying about everything....she finally went to bed on her own and slept for an hour then got back up and kept up the crying thing. Every little thing turned her into a crying mess. No matter what I said or did she just kept crying. She went to bed again and slept for about 2 1/2 hours. And woke up and seemed a lot better. She slept really well last night and went to school this morning. I held off giving her the steroid hoping she'd be ok through school. She was a little teary going in but so far they haven't called me to come get her. Apparently they had 9 kids out with whatever this is last week and 6 still out yesterday. Really hoping this knocks it out and she's ready for her birthday tomorrow and her party Saturday.

(After we got back from the ER Sunday night!)

(Bath time last night....)

And then to top it all off......

Friday night one of my sister's dogs busted out of her closed in porch where she keeps them at night. When she got up Sat morning the other dog came back but Max didn't. She started looking for him, called the animal control thinking they had picked him up or something. Her house is backed by woods but the woods back up to a pretty busy highway and exit. We called the animal shelter yesterday to see if someone had dropped him off but they said no. Then late yesterday afternoon her neighbor called me and said they had found Max on the side of the road down the highway a bit. He'd been hit. They wanted me to identify him before she told Charity. It was him and I cried after seeing pictures of him.....I headed over to see Charity and see what I could do to help. We knew we needed to bury him but he's about 85lbs so it wasn't going to be easy. I called to see if the vet could take care of him but they were closed till the next morning. So I enlisted the help of my hubby, who was finally feeling better, and we dug a grave out in our woods. It's really sad to think he's gone. He was my parents dog first then he actually lived here with us for a couple of months before my sister took him to be her other dog's buddy. He was super sweet and he'll be missed for sure.

But yeah, that was our weekend. Did I mention I now have some sort of head cold/allergy thing? Yup. Can't breathe, runny nose, etc. Ugh.

Sickness that won't go away....

This little kiddo is sick, sick, sick and I'm started to actually get really worried about her. She's been on her new antibiotic long enough that I feel like there should be at least a little improvement and there's not. If anything she seems worse today then she did yesterday. Still running a fever, still can't breathe, still has a nasty cough, her eyes are puffy and bloodshot and she's started complaining about her joints in her legs hurting today. I'm getting really concerned. I think this goes beyond two bad ear infections but of course the pediatricians won't listen to me. Just like they did when I KNEW she had kidney reflux but they let her get sick enough to go to the hospital before they'd agree and check her out for it. So as much as I hate it I think I'm going to take her to the ER tomorrow and get them to run some blood work and see what the heck is going on. She's already telling me she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and I know it's because she's feeling so bad right now. If she isn't noticeably better in the morning I'm keeping her home and taking her to the ER. I dread them poking and sticking her with needles especially since she's so scared but her pediatricians won't take it seriously and I'm ready for some action to be taken. Especially with her birthday on Wednesday and her party on Saturday. I don't want her sick all week again and I really don't want her missing more school. She's already missed a week.

But I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally. It's so hard to sit back and watch her feel so miserable. Listening to her trying to breathe while she sleeps, watching her moan and groan because she aches and her head hurts. It's just draining. Not to mention trying to keep her comfortable, make sure she's getting enough rest, fixing her drinks trying to keep her hydrated and get her to eat and blow her nose every 5 minutes. I've measured and poured so much medicine in the past week it's nuts! Plus I seem to have an allergy thing going on or something - itchy throat and headache.

Beej woke up this morning sick. He seems to have some sort of stomach bug and has been in bed all day trying to get well enough to go to work tomorrow. The house just feels depressing and heavy and well, sick. I'm just ready for this to be over and for Gianna to be well again. Please pray for her and me. Mainly for her though. I just need wisdom on the next step to take. I don't want to over react but at the same time I feel like I've given this plenty of time for antibiotics to kick in and start working and I just personally feel this is more then just ear infections. She's had ear infections before and an antibiotic kicked it right now. But this time around it doesn't seem to be working. I'm just confused on what to do next for her.

Yesterday.

This little kiddo is still really sick. It's been almost a full week now and she's not much better. In fact, she seemed so sick that I finally called the pediatrician and got her in again on Friday. On Tuesday when she went in the dr. said she had the start of an ear infection in one ear so they put her on an antibiotic and sent her home but after 3 days on the antibiotic she wasn't getting any better. When I took her in yesterday the dr. looked in her ears and said "Whoa, her ears look awful!" Apparently she has a double ear infections and her said her left ear "took the cake on bad ears". Great. So she's on a stronger antibiotic now. I'm hoping that tomorrow she'll wake up and there will be a big improvement. Today she has spent most of the day laying on the couch and napping a lot. She was up at 6am this morning and I made her lay back down with me and she fell asleep but was snoring so loud (she snores BAD when she can't breathe) that I couldn't get back to sleep. Then she fell asleep around 9:30am and slept for another hour and a half. I took her outside for a little bit on the porch after lunch just to get some fresh air. Then we both laid down at 2pm and slept until 4:45. And she's about ready for bed now at almost 8pm. And for a girl who never naps I know she's not feeling good to sleep that much. You know what the crazy part is? She hasn't complained about her ears at all. Not once! Crazy.

Yesterday while I waited in line to get Gi's meds I noticed this little old lady! How funny! She was ready for St. Patrick's Day. She had this big heap of green garland and shamrock twisty things on her head. And had all these plastic beaded St. Patty's Day necklaces around her neck! There were like 5 other people in line taking pictures of her too!

And if that doesn't make your day how about this car parked in the parking lot at Wal-Mart?! And yes, that would be different colored duct tape it's decorated with. And it also had some sayings written in Sharpie on it. Class-y, I tell ya, cl-ass-y! LOL!

Oh and yesterday I also started The Hunger Games. Finally. I've been wanting to

for awhile but all the libraries had a waiting list for it and I wasn't sure I wanted to buy it.

But my smart sister was already on a waiting list for it and she got it, read it and passed it on to me! It was really good. Not a super hard read but I'm a pretty avid reader. And it was good!

Oh, and yesterday I finished The Hunger Games! Lol! I started after lunch time and read while I laid out, then read some through out the afternoon and then read from like 9pm-11pm straight and finished it! Now I can't wait to see the movie and read the other two books. Maybe I'll just go buy them though because I don't want to wait forever to read the next two.

So anyway, that's been our week and weekend. Honestly, I'm so tired of Gianna being sick. And I don't mean that in an ugly way. I feel SO bad for her, I know she's miserable. Her eyes look so tired and bleary. And I hate it I can't seem to help her. So we are kinda laying low this weekend. Hoping tomorrow there is a big improvement and she'll be ready for school Monday. She missed all but Monday this past week. There were 7 kids out with the same thing though. Her birthday is Wednesday and I really want her feeling tip top by then.

Sibling Love.

Do you remember in this post how I said I was over my baby fever? Ok, I may have lied. Well, not lied exactly. At that moment I was totally over it or so I thought. Lately my Instagram feed is blowing up with adorable photos of sweet sibling love. And I know that it's not always like that but the good times over shadow the bad ones for the most part.

I mean, I'm not super close to all my siblings. I'm obviously closer to my sisters since they were right after me. The boys not so much because I was 10 & 14 when they were born and I saw myself as their babysitter more than their sister. My relationships with my sisters has always been back and forth. It seems I'm close with one while not so close to the other one then it switches. I think as we've grown and changed it's put a different dynamic on things. But I love my sisters. And when they make me laugh or we're out having fun I forget the fights and I forget the disagreements. I wouldn't ever not want to have my sisters.

I guess as an adult I can force myself to accept the logic that a second child wasn't what we needed, it wouldn't have helped us get "ahead", it's not the right time, etc. etc. But when I look at it through the eyes of my daughter knowing she'll never know that sibling bond it sorta makes my heart hurt. There has always been a lot of sibling rivalry between my siblings and I. It's not something I want necessarily but it's just something that's always been there. I feel like we are always "fighting" for my parents attention or approval or trying to be better than the other one or out do them or whatever. And honestly I was scared the same thing would happen if I had more than one of my own.

My mom and I have always had an interesting relationship. We don't agree on a lot to be honest and I've always felt there is a strain between us. When I got pregnant I didn't want a daughter because I was so scared that would happen between me and my daughter. Now that I have a daughter I can't see that happening! And I will do ANYTHING to make sure it doesn't happen and that I'm always open to her so that hopefully she can be that way with me. I guess I felt the same about siblings. I saw all the turmoil between my siblings - not even necessarily with me all the time but between themselves. The bickering and arguing, the fighting to out do each other, etc. and I didn't ever want that to happen to Gianna so I thought it was best to just not give her siblings instead of realizing that I could raise my family differently and that I could raise my children to be best friends rather then rivals.

I also was so scared about becoming a mom in the middle of trying to figure out marriage and being a new parent that the thought of ever doing it all over again was my worst nightmare. At the time that Gi was born B and I were working through a lot. Our marriage hasn't always been perfect (ok, it's not perfect now but it's close!) and that was a very unperfect time in it. I felt like another child would just be more stress on our marriage and more strain on our finances.

I feel guilty about it a lot now. I feel like maybe I was selfish in my decision not to give Gi a sibling. And I know there are lots of "only child"(ren) out there and they are just fine but part of me is worried. I don't know that she'll ever have cousins she's super close to. She has a second cousin she loves to death but we live 6 1/2 hours from them. She won't ever be close to cousins on my husband's side and I'm not sure she'll ever have cousins on my side. In all the up's and down's I've had with friendships or lack of them and even though we don't always get along perfectly at least I know my siblings are there to fall back on. I feel like my daughter doesn't have that and it makes me sad. Every time I see her playing alone I feel awful, my siblings were my playmates growing up. I never remember not having my sister, Charity, to play with. She was my best friend growing up. And part of me really regrets that Gi will never have that.

I miss having a little one around. Gianna is so much fun and I love her to pieces. She's becoming almost a little friend for me. She's almost 5 and I pretty much have to make her food and that's about it now....or so it feels like. I miss having her around while she's at school. She's been home almost all week and even though I hate the circumstances (her being sick) I've loved having her around all day again and taking her to run errands with me, etc. I never thought I wanted to be a mom and I've always said that but now I realize I do love being a mom and even though it tries my patience at times I wouldn't trade it. And part of me is so sad that it's "over" - sure, I've got at least 13 more years before Gi's gone or moving out or whatever but knowing I'll never be the mom of a baby again is really hitting me. I guess I've closed a chapter that I wish I hadn't closed but there's no going back now.....

I've heard the quote "Never regret anything because at one point it was everything you wanted." and I keep trying to remind myself that 4 years ago one kid was all I wanted. But it doesn't seem to be helping much. :-/ Not to mention I feel like there is no one I can relate to on this. Everyone else in the blogging world or even the "real" world has more than one or has one but is planning a second or having a second. Not one feels me on this.....

Seven

1. Pick A Boyfriend: Edward Cullen, Peeta Mallark or Harry Potter? I haven't read The Hunger Games yet but even so I'm still pretty sure I'd go with Edward Cullen. Super powers, old fashion manners, amazing great looks and lots of money?! Yes, please!

2. If you HAD to have a crazy hairdo, what hairdo would you choose and why? I really wish I could pull off the "short" curl thing. It looks so fun and care free (although I'm sure it's not.) Bright red and curly!

3. If you could be a celebrity what would you like to celebrated for? (Dancing, singing, reality TV, politician, etc.) Singing. Hands down. I can sing, I love to sing and to be famous for it would be amazing!

4. Be honest - do you brush and floss your teeth daily? I brush my teeth at least twice a day, sometimes more. I floss a lot more than I use to but not every day. I also use mouth wash daily, I love that burn! Lol!

5. What is one fear you are working to overcome? My fear of birds. I try to think rationally about it but when I see a bird or birds I just complete freak. I just wanna scream & hide!

6. White chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate or semi-sweet? I mainly prefer milk chocolate like Reese's Cups or Eggs! Yum! Occasionally I'll eat some dark chocolate and like it. Not a fan at all of white chocolate. Ick.

7. What is one trend you wish you could pull off? The whole tights and shorts thing - I just don't think I could do it without looking silly. But I wish I could. That and maxi dresses during the summer - I'm too short. :-(

(So if you decide to do this little 7 question thing leave me a link in my comments so I can read yours!!!)

(I got this idea from Ashley over at Hudson's Happenings. She got it from Gentri Lee's blog.)