Withdrawals....

Yup, that's pretty much exactly what I feel like! Lol! No joke. I feel awful. This whole coming off of junk food and sugar AGAIN totally sucks. I know what's coming every time I do it, I don't know why I can't remember it and just be motivated to steer clear of sugar and junk for good. Some how I keep getting sucked back into it. I think it's safe to say I have an addiction - yeah, it's not fun admitting that but for a long time I've known that I truly have a love/hate relationship with food in general but especially breads, potatoes, pasta and SUGAR. And I'm not one of those people who can just limit myself to a little bit or a small taste - once I let myself have a little I totally lose it. So sad, isn't it? I don't know how I got this way or why but it's something I struggle with day in and day out. It gets easier but there is still always that pull and tug when I see it or it's offered to me. Today my mother in law offered my a Coke. Gosh, I almost caved, but snapped it together when I remembered how dang guilty I would feel if I gave in on my second day and had a silly coke - all because it's sweet and delicious! Lol!

Today is my second day without sugar and eating right again - watching calories and all. I'm doing the SlimFast plan too right now - at least to give myself a boost. I'm pleased that in two days I've dropped 2lbs! I know most of it was water weight but I don't feel as bloated so I'm pleased. It's also my 2nd day of my third round of P90X. I just needed to do something different after almost three rounds of Insanity. I was getting bored. But I need the routine these programs offer at the same time. Tony Horton was my original "fit coach" and I need him to help me get myself back in order! I still haven't gotten bands and I don't have anywhere I can put up my pull up bar so I'm doing what moves I can with free weights and/or subbing in push ups instead. So I still feel like I'm getting a good work out and sticking with the program. Today was Plyo (Jump Training) it always kicks my booty - I'll probably be sore in the morning. But I'm proud to say I've made it two full days so far back on track - it's been ROUGH but good. I feel so much better about myself even though I feel like I'm going to lose my mind for the first few days. It doesn't help that my house is still full of Halloween junk and candy - stuff to make S'mores, cupcakes and candy. Phew! Talk about a test of will power. The funny thing is I'm fine all day long, don't even think twice about it but after supper time, UGH! It's such a battle of the wills! Thank God for sugar free popsicles tonight......even though it doesn't completely take away the craving it helps curb it a little and give me time to think myself through it.

But what upsets me most and gets me in a funk and a depression sometimes if that food has such a hold on me. I don't understand and yet I do understand. If that makes any sense at all. It frustrates me that I get so worked up about it, that is consumes so much of my thought process (I have to constantly think "don't eat that, don't eat that....."). I feel like I'm in this never ending cycle - do really good, then do bad, then start doing good again, then bad, then....etc. I feel like I'm going to be fighting this for the rest of my life. Maybe I am, maybe I need to resign myself to this battle. This is my "thorn" so to speak. I laugh when I hear people say "I forgot to eat today." I can't imagine what that's like - no matter how crazy busy I get I NEVER forget to eat! Lol! I have to remind myself NOT to eat.

I feel like no matter how hard I work out it's not enough to get me where I want or need to be. I'm always chasing that elusive goal or so it seems. I've started taking Bug outside to play every day for at least an hour , it's one of my new daily goals, at least 30 mins of that time I spend walking briskly around the yard. Just a little extra boost, hopefully.

Monday I took about 45 minutes to work with Bug on some "school" type things. We went over the number 1 & 2 and we learn "A" and the A sound. And about Big A and Little a. We also painted some Fall colored leaves and read a few books. She really enjoyed it and had fun showing off her work to her daddy when he got home. I hope to do that a few times a week. I have no intentions of homeschooling - people ask me all the time. I guess because I was home schooled and so was my hubby for most of his life. But I just can't. I don't enjoy teaching at all, I don't have the patience and I know that I do not know everything she needs to know, curriculum or not. Plus as an only child I think it's going to be important for her to have that interaction that school will bring. Tomorrow I think we'll tackle 3 & 4 and the letter B!

I've also spent a lot more time practicing piano this week - I don't know if it'll show come lesson time or not but I really have been making sure to really practice and not only practice what I've been given to learn but also just try to mess around and write my own ideas and songs beyond just basic chords. It's not easy! I wrote a little "riff" today, but that sounds so simplistic, BUT I have to remember it's a step in the right direction! And I'll keep at it! Slow but sure.......

Tonight at dinner I tried something a little different - we have a hard time eating all our veggies! I'm just not a big veggie person and I can't just eat salad all the time. Last night I fixed French Cut green beans which is the ONLY way I'll eat green beans, even Bug ate them with ketchup of course! But tonight I made spaghetti, whole wheat pasta and organic sauce. I also boiled some carrots before hand and pureed them in the blender then I added them to the sauce! You couldn't eve tell they were there and I felt like we were getting a little extra veggie boost with our dinner!!!!