Sometimes we have to say goodbye

Today was a sad day for me. After much thinking and talking about it I finally took one of my cats to the shelter. We had two, Gandalf and Esme'. We've had Gandalf since my hubby and I got married four years ago. He's a great cat, easy going and laid back. He's pretty old too so he's not hyper or super active which is great since we live in a small apartment. But I was at the vet about 8 months ago and saw a beautiful black and white female. She was fixed and declawed and seemed so sweet! I just had to rescue her so against my hubby's advice I got her. It took awhile for her and Gandalf to get along. Gandalf likes his space and she was all up in it! But they finally settled down and I thought everything would be fine. But I soon realized that she was super hyper. Tears around the house like a mad cat. She was very moody - some days you could pet her and love on her and then other days she'd bite you! She made the biggest mess when she ate, knocking cat food all over the bathroom floor. Then she decided that instead of climbing at the side of the blinds onto the window seal she would just tear a giant hole in the blinds. So now two of my blinds have big holes in them. Ugh. And then after we'd all get in bed she's start wondering around meowing. I tend to adapt the things better then my hubby does and she really got on his nerves. He endured it for 8 months but I knew he hated her. And then I realized that come Christmas time she'd be tearing down my Christmas tree and garland and the presents and I would end up being so frustrated. But I still didn't want to take her to the shelter but no one else wanted her. I still feel so sick to my stomach thinking about her being at that shelter in a cage. I could just cry all over again. After I left her there I got in the car and Gianna started crying and saying "Where is my Esme'?" I just broke down and sobbed for like 10 minutes. I feel so guilty. She trusted me and loved me, I had rescued her and then just threw her back. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I pray to God someone adopts her and loves her. I really did but this is what I had to do for now. I don't think we'll be getting anymore pets anytime in the up and coming future. We'll stick with Gandalf til we have more room. I just hope Gandalf won't be lonely without her.....the house will seem so quiet without her tearing around and trying to get out the door every time we open it. Good bye, Esme' - I'm truly sorry.

Little Bribes

“Little Bribes“, from Death Cab for Cutie’s new EP, The Open Door

The Eiffel Tower built to smaller scale
The freshest oxygen I’d ever inhale
I tapped a bottle against the safety rail
Killing time

And you were like a walking compliment
Tall in stature and exceptionally read
In dummy glasses and a cardigan
Oh come on

And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around

You said that all these things
You’ve learned to ignore
The hidden cameras on the casino floor
And what gets paid for behind hotel doors
Oh come on

Pretend every slot machine is a robot
Amputee waving hello
The people stare into their eyes
And they feed them little bribes
And then they go

The never ending twilight
In a basement where the sun has never spilt
You said that you were lonely
And then we kissed like lonely people do

You said this city has a beating heart
That pushes people down the boulevard
And they’re all hoping for a wish fulfilled
In a desert for a dollar bill
Those foolish dreams you know they plague me still
Oh come on

And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around
And oh so empty were the faces
Of the dealers and the waitresses around

Empty …..

I Love Him Because....

I love him because he is outspoken, never afraid to say what's on his mind even if he knows it won't make him "popular".

I love him because he's confident, he's sure of himself and where he is going, what he is doing.

I love him because he's a hard worker, he bends over backwards to provide for us.

I love him because he's smart, he has a great head on his shoulders. He thinks beyond his years.

I love him because he's creative, his ideas that come to life musically and lyrically amaze me.

I love him because he's patient. Patient with my lack of motivation, my lack of organizational skills, lack of controlling my moods!

I love him because he's organized - yes, organized! And I'm a little bit better at it then I was before all because of him!

I love him because he's tender - he makes me feel so loved!

I love him because I feel safe when I'm with him.

I love him because even when I don't make sense he does his best to listen to me.

I love him because he's motivated to be someone and to make things better for all of us.

I love him because he's handsome - girls still flirt with him and in some way it makes me feel good that I've got him and they don't!

I love him for his sense of humor - even though I may not get the joke all the time I still see how funny he can be!

I love him for his carefree attitude (at appropriate times!) - he knows when to let loose and have fun!

I love him because he has exceptional taste in music - he's introduced me to all the bands I love today!

I love him because he's stylish - he totally rocks his look!

I love him because he's an amazing daddy - I've never seen anyone love a child like he loves Gianna.

I love him because he gave me a second chance at loving him and being with him!!!! What would I do without him?

Yes, I love him! With everything in me and more and more every day. Do we argue? Of course we do but we make up quickly because we know we don't want to waste our time together being angry. He has given so much to me and Gianna, and I only hope that what we give back is a fraction as good! There are so many more reasons I could list but these seem like a good few to start with.....why do you love who you are with? Take this idea and blog about it yourself. Thinking about why you fell in love in the first place will probably make you fall in love all over again!!!!

58 days....

So I've made it through the first two months of P90X, well almost! I'm a couple days shy! But I'm so proud of myself! I've never stuck with an exercising plan before like this. I haven't stuck with the diet plan exactly but I'm doing so much better then I was. I really think about stuff before I eat it. Working out makes me realize how much work it takes to get rid of the crap I eat sometimes. I'm looking forward to this next month, hoping to see some great results and even more changes! My hubby and I are planning a night out in honor of completing our first 90days! Dinner out all dresses up! I'm getting a cute little black dress and some cute heels and we're going out on the town! We're thinking Bonefish Grille! Love that place almost as much as we love Outback and Carrabba's! But it's a little fancier so it'll be so much fun, and then I plan to HAVE to go out and buy new jeans. I've needed some new ones for awhile but by then I'm hoping the ones I have are falling right off of me! I love Old Navy jeans and I'm headed there in a month! Woohoo! And then I'm on to my next round of P90X, after about two more rounds of it I'm hoping to be in a good enough shape to head on to an even more intense program called Insanity! Mmmmm, hmmm! Yay for fitness!
Fall is fast approaching! I plan to rock the leggings and tunic look this Fall! I love it! I'm so excited about chilling weather and crisp mornings. Halloween is going to be so fun with Gianna this year! She's excited although I'm not quite sure she understands it all really. But I'm going to buy her costume soon....she's going to be a sweet little Pumpkin Fairy! Adorable! And then Thanksgiving.....such a wonderful, warm holiday! I love Thanksgiving!!!! We're planning and hoping to go to a Pumpkin patch this year, we haven't made it the past two years but I'm really hoping this year we do. I've never carved a pumpkin, so sad I know, but I hope Gianna gets too! I think we're planning to go with our besties! What fun!!!

Fall

I'm dreaming of Fall.
I'm dreaming of cool, crisp mornings.
I'm dreaming of bright, golden sunshine that just barely warms the air.
I'm dreaming of burnt orange, gold yellow, and crimson red.
I'm dreaming of leggings and long sleeve tunic shirts.
I'm dreaming of sweaters.
I'm dreaming of football games where your butt is cold on the bench and your hands are warm on a hot dog.
I'm dreaming of hats and scarves.
I'm dreaming of bonfires and roasting marshmallows. I
'm dreaming of Halloween and costumes and candy.
I'm dreaming of leaves falling.
I'm dreaming of seeing my breath in the air.
I'm dreaming of pumpkins.
I'm dreaming of turkey and mashed potatoes.
I'm dreaming of festivals.

I'm dreaming.....of FALL!

Midnight, well, almost!

It's almost midnight and I should not be awake at this hour! I'm not a late night person but I was gone all day running errands with my family and never had a chance to work out and well, I will not go to bed with a workout undone now! My brother and sister are staying with me and she had to do the same workout today so that was some motivation too! We did an hour and a half of hard Yoga! I found out just the other day that I burn over 500 calories doing Yoga! I was thrilled! I mean, even though it's hard as crap and I sweat like crazy I just didn't realize I could burn that many without like jogging constantly for an hour or something! I think my metabolism has finally kicked in gear good....I'm trying to eat smaller meals every couple of hours rather then eating big like a couple of times a day. I've cut out soda almost completely. I found out the other day that when you order a soda out and drink two to three refills you consume around 750 calories! And it's all pure sugar! Nuts, huh?!!! Since I'm keeping to around 1500 calories daily that's way to much to give up for something that has NO benefit to you what so ever. I'm really trying to eat better - my in laws brought pizza, I ate one small slice! yeah! At taco bell today I ate one chicken taco! I'm getting better at this, the better I feel the better I eat! I ordered a Mocha Frappe' out today and drank about 1/4 of it was just totally grossed out! Didn't finish it. I feel like I'm looking alot better though. Much tighter, my arms are firming up and defining and my legs are too. My stomach is tighter but I have so far to go there! My goal is a size 4, a hot size 4!!!!
Well, I need to head to bed! I've got to get up and workout and pack before we leave at one tomorrow! I'm excited about a weekend away! Hooray for first tats! Happy birthday to my niece!!!

Today

Ah, today. It didn't start out great. I woke up in a bad mood. Not really on purpose, just did. Beej said something that set me off. I don't think he intended for it to come out how it did or for me to take it as bad as I did but I was so ill for the rest of the morning. Spent it with the TV off and didn't touch my computer. Just played all morning with Gianna. Played with all her toys, read books, went over her ABC's, went outside for a bit, colored with glitter glue and then made lunch. She refused to eat breakfast, nibbled on a few apple slices with peanut butter about an hour before lunch time. I finally got her to eat some lasagna for lunch. And she had Mac N Cheese for dinner! Lots of noodles! Beej and I apologized and made up before he left for his first training day back at Outback. He has alot to learn because a lot has changed but it helps that he has worked there before. We'd love for him to be back at water plant before to long but for now this is a job and it's money. I'm still trying to find a part time job for the mornings but so far no luck. He'll be working later afternoons and evenings at Outback. It'll be hard to adjust my routine but it can be done! I put Gianna down for a nap and got my work out done. I felt so much better afterwards! I really got the burn and sweat today! Killed some calories and now I'm SORE! Tomorrow is just stretching but I may throw in an extra workout sometime, just for good luck! Since tomorrow is Wednesday and I'll be with my family and we'll be eating Mexican. I have to burn off those chips I usually eat! I did good today though - I stuck to my diet plan and actually ate 100 less calories then I allow myself! Woohoo, that's a first!
Gianna is teething still, her 2 yr molars on the right side are still coming through and they are really making her sore plus I think she's having some allergy issues too. Runny nose and kinda stuffed up. I gave her extra vitamins today and some medicine before bed so that she'd hopefully sleep well. She woke up in the middle of the night because she fell out of bed! Poor baby, it's a rare thing but it still happens sometimes. The potty training thing is still a nightmare. She peed through 6 or 7 pairs of panties yesterday and several more today. She pees a little then stops and goes to the potty but it's still enough to wet her undies and whatever she's sitting on. I'm so exhausted with the whole thing. I've gone back to putting pull ups on her at night so I don't have to wash so much bedding. I'm sure what we spend in pull ups wasn't close to what we were adding to the water bill washing SO much stuff.
Tomorrow will be good. I will make it good! (And for those who know me, you know that Twilight always puts a smile on my face! So I thought I'd post a lovely picture of my favorite fantasy couple!)

TICKED.

So I am totally ticked with myself. I haven't totally fallen off the band wagon of eating right. I was doing so good for awhile. And then I kinda lost it Friday and have lost it ever since. I feel so bloated and nasty. I've kept up with my workouts but I guess I'm still eating too much to make any difference. I've built alot of muscle tone but I'm still fat in the middle and I'm getting so fed up. I guess I thought I'd be burning enough calories with this workout program to make up for the "extra" I eat but I've found out differently. I'm on Day 50 and I've still lost only a couple of pounds. I'm getting discouraged. Somehow I've got to get things together and kick some poundage to the curb in the next 40 days. How do I stick with this? UGH!!!! So frustrated. I'm such a loser.

Discouraged

It's been one of those days, one of those days where I just feel pretty discouraged about myself. I got up and my hair looked crappy so it ended up in a crappy looking ponytail. Plus it was raining so my bangs curled up and looked silly and frizzy. I put on my one pair of "cute" jeans, that I've had for years now and are starting to kinda look saggy and worn. And then had to decide between the four shirts I own that fit. Ugh. I haven't had new clothes in years. Seriously. I've bought a new shirt here and there or whatever by my wardrobe is so outdated it's ridiculous. Left my house feeling horrible. So I've been working out like crazy and attempting to watch what I eat (I mess up alot!) and I thought I had lost about 8lbs which I was thrilled with! Got to the dr. and asked them to weigh me since I haven't weighed on a real scale in a while. Lo and behold, it says I weight 10lbs MORE then I thought! I was nearly in tears. How can two different scales weight my daughter exactly the same but then weight me 10lbs difference?!!!! I was SO discouraged. So discouraged. Then I went out to dinner and ate crap. Why in the world do I do that? When I feel crappy about myself I end up eating worse then I do when I feel good. UGH!!!! So anyway, I came home and threw in an extra cardio workout hoping it'll burn off that nasty Mexican dinner I ate. Gag. So now I'm sitting here all sweaty, wondering how in the world I can really stick to my diet and make myself lose weight. I just wanna LOSE WEIGHT!!!!! *SCREAM*!!! Why is this such a hard task? I feel like I'm working harder then I have in years and yet I don't feel like I'm making alot of progress. Anyway, I just needed to vent! I'm sure my perspective will be better tomorrow!!!

Photos of Gianna

Imagination

Isn't it amazing what your kids "introduce" you too?!!! I think of some of the things I find fun or funny now all because Gianna does. I never, ever watched Spongebob, in fact, I wasn't allowed to. My mother to this day finds it an "inappropriate" cartoon. But for some reason I let Gianna watch it one day, I think it was because there was nothing else on and I just needed her to settle down for a bit. And she loved it! Soon she was asking for it, she always calls him "G-Bob Pants"! After awhile I started watching just to make sure it was too crude or anything and I actually starting liking it too! It's funny, silly and just a plain ole good time! There are times when a episode will get on my nerves but I found it's more my attitude and my own uptightness. Not good ole, bright and sunny Spongebob. I grew up in a home where things were pretty uptight most of the time. And I try so hard to fight that in my own life. Am I winning? I don't know, but I just keep trying! Not to mention, it puts a smile on my daughters face, and that is worth more to me then anything else!
Gianna also introduced me to McDonald's. Had I been there before her? Of course I had but I'd never really seen it through the eyes of my two year old. To her McD's is a wonderful place, a fun place! They have chicken nuggets, you drink soda, you get a toy with your meal, they have a place to run around and play and best of all you eat outside!!! She sees those golden arches now and jumps for joy!!! I get so much pleasure out of taking her there and buying her a Happy Meal, fairly inexpensive yet priceless to my sweet girl!!!!
How I love her!!!!

New Hairstyle?

I like the "blonde one's" cut! Maybe I should just keep it that length and put a red streak in it and call it a day! Lol!!! Long hair is sexier on me I think....
This is super cute, but with red instead! But that's alot of flat ironing for me!

I love this one but it's WAY extreme and I'm not sure I could manage fixing it everyday and keeping the color up!

So I've been wanting to put some red in my hair for awhile. I miss my hair being different colors all the time. It was so much easier when I was in school and then working at a salon. I could get my hair done anytime by any stylist for practically free! Now that it comes out of my own pocket, full price I haven't had a good cut or cool color in years. I'm so bored with my hair! Grrrr! So I've been thinking about doing something totally extreme but I'm scared to at the same time! It has taken me so long to grow my hair out and the thought of not being able to put it in a pony tail kinda scares me! Lol! My hubby all but told me he doesn't like my hair today! He "gently suggested" that I get a new cut, something edgy!!! It just takes so much money and alot of time. And the keep up, ugh!!! But I'm tired of feeling old and frumpy! I have a few more months to decide! When it's long I want it short but when it's short I miss it being long. But the in between thing isn't for me either, I tried it! Here are a few of my "ideas", extreme and not! Lol!

"Angel Baby"

I wouldn't call this a song, at least not yet! It's just an idea, an inspiration. I look at my own daughter and I look at my best friend's beautiful children and nothing could truly capture them in words. But these are a few things I think of when I look into their eyes or see a smile light up their face

-ANGEL BABY- by: Alaythea

Say hello, angel baby
Let the world see your happy face!
You eyes search a face until you
know they are innocent.
A heart that see the aura of life
A soul who's wings are still white.
You make your way down a rocky path
with grace, on feet light as air.

Say hello, angel baby
Let the world see your tender hands
Yet to know the pull of hate
A mind that's open to capture
everything right, everything wrong.

Say hello, angel baby
Let the world see the blush of your mouth
Lips that hold back a tongue eager to speak
An instrument that sings your thoughts......

Day To Day

We had a great Labor Day weekend! Spent the day up in the mountains, Hendersonville and Asheville. We visited downtown Hendo for what was left of the Apple Festival. Not alot going on but we had fun hanging out with some of my family and one of my best friends and her hubby and son! I thank God every day for my friends! I think I went so long without friends that now having a few that are so close and so dear to me really means alot now. Friends, especially good ones, are hard to come by these days! We also went on up to downtown Asheville. That place is so neat yet so weird at the same time! We always run into at least one crazy person while we're there! This time the some man wanted a dollar to get his wife to a job interview. When we refused to give him a dollar he told us to look around for her, "she's wearing a purple da-shiki and she's ugly...." I don't know what a da-shiki is and poor woman!!! We got a good laugh out of it though! Later that evening we all went out to my parents house and enjoyed delicious, juicy burgers wrapped in bacon, home made fries and desert! Yes, Tony Horton would have been so disappointed in my Monday! But I couldn't have asked for a better day! Gianna was a little angel and our friend's son is just perfect! He doesn't like his stroller but other then that he was quiet as a mouse and happy as can be!
My hubby and I are now on Day 37 of P90X! Oh yeah, that's right, I've been working our 6 days a week for almost 40 days! I never cease to amaze myself! Haha! I'm pleased with the results I'm seeing and I'm eager to see the changes that come in the next 53 days! But I'm not done there, I've already decided to go on for Round 2 of P90X and from there who knows! I don't want to stop what I've started now. Other might not be able to see my "results" just yet but I can see positive changes already! My muscle tone is amazing, my legs muscles are getting defined, my arms are firmer then they have been in years and my back is even starting to define! Woohoo! I've lost a few pounds but I know I've gained several pounds in muscle too. I'm working hard on the diet, weekends are so hard for me though. I do great all week - keeping my diet to 1200-1500 (MAX!) calories, keeping to good carbs, etc. But then come the weekend we go out with family and friends and I totally lose it! Ugh! But at least I know I'm not "splurging" or "binging" all week long now. And I know with working out as hard as I am I'm not gaining anymore! Can't wait to post before and after pics and feel good about them!
Beej finished recording his second song today that he plans to put on his EP which is due out in October. I'm so pleased with his work! Very experimental and different for him. He's trying different things with his vocals and experimenting with new sounds. Tonight he was drumming on his desk chair, put it in the song and it was awesome! A very "crisp" drum sound! He's putting so much effort into it and I know it's going to take him places.
I have another song I'm ready to record. But I'm eager to write something new. I keep a "journal" of song ideas and lyrics. But I just can't seem to complete anything. I'm sorta stumped! Writer's block or something.

Not much blogging....

Two reasons I haven't blogged much lately. Number one - not alot has happened or changed that I want to share right now. And number two - my computer has a virus and sometimes just shuts down on it's own. So I've had several super long blogs I've been writing and right towards the end it'll just shut down and I lose the whole thing! So frustrating!
I'm still going strong with P90X! We made it through the first 30 days without missing one workout and sticking to the diet fairly well. I actually gained several pounds the first month but I know it was all muscle! I'm seeing muscle definition in my arms and legs like crazy and even some in my back (which I've NEVER had!). Two days into the second month and I've already lost 3 1/2 pounds! I am beyond thrilled! I feel like I'm looking "tighter" now. I'm eager to see how much I can lose this month. I'm sticking to the diet much closer lately. I feel good! Drinking tons of water and trying to keep my calories and carbs down. It's so much harder then you think! I've even thrown a few extra cardio workouts in. And for those of you who know anything about P90X, well that's a serious thing! Lol! But I'm eager to see transformation and see what my body can do! But for now I'm going to run, I need a healthy snack and ice cold watermelon is calling my name! I promise to blog more soon!