Am I admired for who I am?!

(Crystal- My dearest and bestest friend! My first best friend and hopefully my best friend til the end!!! I love her dearly and admire her zest for life and her happiness in who she is and where she is going! A wonderful mother and talented photographer! She inspires me!!!)
(April - a fellow young mother and I admire her so much! Talented and full of life! A great mother and such a supportive wife! Not to mention beautiful too!)
(Erica- a true inspiration for me! Super fit and such a happy person! She makes me smile!)
(Cristina - isn't she beautiful?! And that adorable little boy of hers too! She's the picture of healthy and fit! And I just love that!)

Don't you just love it when people assume that everything you say is about them?!!! This happens to me a lot it seems. I guess a lot of what I say applies to a lot of people so they all take it personally. But I've also learned that most of the people who take everything I say personally are usually a little of their rockers anyway! So I don't let it worry me. I've long ago realized that the majority of the people you try to befriend or at least be nice to will at some point turn on you or just lose it themselves. I'm trying not to really care any more. Realizing that at some point other people will replace them. I do tend to get attached to people emotionally though and it can be hard for me to let them go even when they treat me like crap. But I'm smart enough to not be involved with them I still have a hard time letting go completely. Someone I used to be acquainted with recently read my blog and assumed that everything I was saying was directed at her! Even though at the time it wasn't I see now that it did apply to her too! Lol! But since this person doesn't care on little bit for me I didn't take her pouting about it very seriously. I've long ago realized that she is simply insecure and well, to be honest, jealous of me. I guess we are all jealous of someone we know but some of us handle it a lot better then other do. Some people let it fester inside them until they are so angry they can't stand you, other people just let it hold them back and they keep quiet about it but it makes them even more insecure, or still others rejoice in others strengths and do their best to reach their full potential as well. For instance, I'm a little jealous of my dear friend, Crystal. But instead of hating her for all her accomplishments I rejoice with her! I'm happy she's made it to where she has and that she is so perfectly happy where she is! She is very much in love with her husband and they have a delightful baby boy together whom they practically worship!!! And she's got a wonderful photography business - she's talented at what she does and she finds fulfillment in it. You can check her out on Facebook under b.L.c Photography. She does incredible work and I would so recommend her to you! It makes me wanna push myself harder to find what my true love and calling is in life and to be happy and fulfilled in it! I guess I try to turn what could potentially be jealousy into admiration for that person instead. I also "admire" my fellow blogger and friend, April. She is beautiful and artsy. She's also smart and very talented when it comes to graphic designing. She's also raising two children and supporting her husband as he pursues his musical career. I think their family is adorable and I admire them a lot. I'm also very much inspired my "friends" Erica and Cristina. Even though we've never met I love them both and admire them greatly. They both are fitness fanatics and I so want to be like that one day! I'm so far from it. But hearing about them working out every day despite having full schedules and 3 & 4 children each I am inspire that I too can keep up a work out routine with only one child! They are both gorgeous and have the kind of bodies every woman would like to have! I wanna be like them when I grow up! Lol! I tell them that all the time!
So in the end - I want to be happy, successful, artsy, and fit! I want to be a wonderful mother and an incredible wife! I want to be able to be those things with out ever having to worry about what others think....I want to push aside all the negative crap that has been shoved my way and just be who I am! I want to find my "calling" and love in life. I want someone else to look at me and "admire" me for who I am!!!

Holiday Pics!

Riding the Carousel!!!
My sweet little family in downtown Chattanooga....
My wonderful Nana with me and Gianna!
Gianna and her second cousin, Ava. They are only a month apart! They love each other dearly!

Things I Hate....

I HATE Packing - I used to hate packing for myself but now that I have to pack for me and Gianna it's even worst. Trying to decide what to take and not to take, making sure you don't forget anything, trying to get everything you want to take into your bag. That feeling that you must have forgotten something although you can't for the life of you think of what it might be.....
I HATE ants - our house has been over run with ants off and on for months now. The bug people come out and "take care" of it and then a few weeks later there are ants somewhere else, we had them on our couch, coming through the front door, in our dining room and most recently all around our sink. They are gone for the moment but I'm not holding my breath!
Yes, I'll admit it, I HATE Miley Cyrus - I hate the way she talks, like there is peanut butter stuck on the roof of her mouth! I hate the way she sings all out of her nose (Although I will admit I like two of her songs but not the way she sings them!) and I hate how stuck on herself she is. She said "I'm pretty much the greatest person ever...." and no, she wasn't kidding.
I HATE doing laundry - I think I'd rather do any other chore then fold laundry. I often forget to get the laundry started until Gianna is out of undies or something! I know that's awful but it's the truth. And then having to fold it all, UGH!
I HATE drinking - I rarely, if ever, get in what I'm supposed to for the day. Which I know isn't good for me and I do try but I just rarely drink anything. Sometimes I'll feel a little thirsty in the afternoon and realize the only thing I've had to drink was the little bit of liquid I washed my vitamins down with. I try to make a conscience effort to drink more but it's so hard......

Multiple Children....

As many of you know, I am done having children. Never again will I have a child unless my some serious strange fluke! I had my tubes tied over a year ago and I'm not ashamed to say it or talk about it. I honestly think it was one of the greatest things I ever did for myself, at least since having a child! Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more then anything in the world, wouldn't trade her for anything. But being a parent is exhausting, overwhelming, trying and hard. It's also amazing, rewarding, sweet and fun! Lol! I admire anyone who has more then one child. I know every child is different, some of much more relaxed and easy going so having another one seems like a good idea. Gianna is a good child, although right now she's going through the trying two's and everything seems to cause a fuss, a melt down and a flood of tears lately. But overall she's self entertaining most of the time and she does listen. She's just energetic and willful too. But even on good or even great days I still wonder why in the world someone who has a child who is under the age of , oh, ten would want another one!!! My life would be insane and I would have no nerves or patience if I had another one. Especially since you get no sleep with a newborn. If I wasn't getting a full nights rest every night I'd go insane! Luckily, Gianna is a great sleeper! She goes to bed by 9pm at the latest and sleeps til anywhere from 7am to 8:30am! But the thought of dealing with a almost three year old and being pregnant or having another baby makes me want to pull my hair out! I also wonder why people decide to have another child when their current child is a little hellion!!! It's like, oh, yeah, I have no control over this child so let's have another one! Great idea! I personally can't imagine us trying to support another child on our income either. We are doing fine but another one would totally sink us I think! I know people who don't have jobs and they are having more kids. Is that wise? Isn't that kinda selfish to bring a child into a home where you are barely making ends meet as it is? Especially when you have control over getting pregnant. I mean, come on, most of the time when you really use birth control you don't get pregnant! Birth control nearly drove me out of my head. I had never been on it until after I gave birth to Gianna. The next year, between surgeries (c-section, gallbladder and tubal) and birth control I thought I was going to lose my mind. I've never felt more out of control of my mind and body. Horrible mood swings, violent temper, appetite increase, weight gain, headaches....it was the worst year of my personal life I think. After I had my tubes tied and got off the birth control things slowly and gone back to "normal" for me. I feel good again, energetic, and in control for the most part. I can control my moods and temper much easier then before. I don't feel like I'm on the edge all the time. For me, one child is plenty. I've done the pregnancy and birth thing. I'm doing parenthood. I've experienced it. Gianna is beautiful and a blessing. I can't imagine loving anyone anymore. I was the oldest of 5 and I just don't ever want to put Gianna into the same place I was in growing up, the oldest. Too much responsibility. I want Gianna to enjoy her life to herself. To be able to grow up and think about what she wants to do and where she wants to go and not having to worry about anything else. I want us to be able to provide her with everything we can. I love that's she an only child. You can tell me all the con's to being an only child and I can come up with just as many con's with being one of multiple children. I like our small family, I like the modern feel it has for me. I like being able to pick up and go alot easier with one then multiples. I like it that it's easier to get a babysitter for one then if I had several to throw on someone! One is good for me! Do I criticize those with more? Absolutely not! I just don't understand it at all! Lol!

Today I Love....

I have a friend who is a great blogger. I always enjoy looking at her blog. Even though it's very simple it's neat to see. She posts things she's doing work wise, she's a graphic designer but she also posts things she's into or liking at the moment. She's much more artsy then I am and her things are much neater but I liked the idea and thought I might steal it for the day! I haven't felt like blogging much lately. Not a lot going on that's very interesting really. Just getting ready for the holidays. Going out of town this weekend to have an early Christmas with extended family. Eager to see everyone! But today these are the things I love!












Brandon Flowers - Lead singer of the Killers and absolutely brilliant! Amazing voice and incredible song writer! I love to hear him sing and I love watching him sing! Lol!


Jessica Alba - She is my inspiration for working out and she is what I hope to look like soon! I have a picture of her up on my fridge to help inspire me! I love her fashion, I think she's talented and of course a great mommy!

Range Rover - Ah, yes! My dream car! I do plan to own one some day, when Beej makes his millions doing music! I want a black one with cream leather interior! It's beautiful!

Dean Koontz - I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read! Recently my hubby and I have gotten into reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz books. They are both brilliant writers. Not just horror like some people think. We have started collecting books from local thrift stores and book shops. We have quite a collection going so far! I just started The Voice Of The Night.....I just finished One Door Away From Heaven by D.K. too. Great book!

This is So Sad!

This is Edward and Bella. They are Chiquaqua's. They are super sweet and cuddly. But someone didn't want them, they were dropped into an over night animal shoot at the local animal shelter. Someone there rescued them and brought them to our local animal hospital to be cared for and then hopefully adopted. Luckily they have been adopted into a loving home by someone who works at the animal hospital. There is just one problem, well technically two, Edward and Bella both are missing legs. Neither of them have front legs, at all. They are a result of back yard inbreeding. The general result is that the puppies are born missing limbs. Other then that these puppies are healthy and sweet. But they can't get around on two hind legs. So our animal hospital is trying to raise the funds to get them some "wheels". These wheels will be attached by a harness to the front of each puppy so that they can be mobile on their own. Similar to the ones found on this site - dogkarts.com. This really touched me, I got to hold Edward today, he was so sweet and tiny! It would be such a blessing if we could all pitch in and help their owners purchase their "wheels" for them. Rutherford Animal Hospital in Rutherfordton, NC is accepting donations right now. Please consider helping these adorable little puppies have a better life!!!!

"You're Not Happy Here" and neither am I!

My husband recently released an EP, a short length album. He put alot of time and effort into it and it's a great project and I know there is so much more to come from him. I find it amazing how many people said they loved the songs and couldn't wait for the EP but once it came out no one has made the effort to go spend $6 on it. I mean come on, they probably spent more then that on lunch today. Skip lunch one day and buy it. If nothing else you are supporting someone else's love and dream. I know you'd want to be supported if it were you, right? And it's not like I am asking them to go buy some crap. It's done well, it's done with quality. Makes me not ever want to record or release anything of my own because I feel like no one would support me in it or come off the cash to buy it. Yeah, I know things are tight for everyone but like I said you probably spend $6 or more on lunch out every day. This is so important to him and I don't know how else to promote it or push it. Even if they don't want the whole album they could still go down load a couple of songs. I'm just at the point now where I feel like you can never truly count on anyone. Everyone is supportive with their mouth but rarely with their resources. I don't want to become bitter towards people in general and I guess I keep trying because I am just hoping that there is hope out there somewhere but so far I haven't seen it! Lol! But then I'm truly amazed at the crap people will support instead! Someone of true quality and talent is out there doing what they love, making great tunes and no one budges. But give someone a mic on Sunday that can't carry a dad-gum tune, let her shake a little and every screams "the anointing" and practically worships them. Gag. Yeah, I know, I'm ranting and raving a little but that's kinda what I keep a blog for! Lol! I'm sick of no talent crap getting all the attention and people with true talent getting tossed by the way side. And I guess that's been alot of musicians/singers biggest beef with the music industry in general. It's so hard to build a true fan following. I'm at a loss on how to get this music into the right hands, into people's hands who have a love for indie rock. Well, at least I can say that seeing how unsupportive people are that it has made me really step up and support bands and artists I like and admire. I've really been pushing another band called Campbell the Band. I think their music is great and I'm eagerly awaiting the opportunity to buy it. If nothing else but to show them that someone out there respects what they are doing. I don't want to beg or pressure anyone into buying 'Thoughts and After That' by Stranger in Bree but I think it's totally worth it. And that's coming from a long time lover of music and someone who wants to do music again some day too.......but I'm not holding my breath.

Campbell the Band - 'Cancer'

I am absolutely in love with this song! It's one of those songs that even though I may not completely understand it somehow it speaks to me.....not to mention the music is beautiful. Everytime I hear it I am almost moved to tears. I am very proud of this band too since I know one of the members. We aren't super close but I've known him for several years and I'm pleased with who he is becoming and the deeper message in their songs. He and his bandmates are very talented and I'm pleased to help promote them some!!! Check them out at myspace.com/campbelltheband and at Facebook.com/campbelltheband. Another great song is "God Never Sleeps"......

"Cancer" by Campbell the Band
You're so plain, and you're so sane. I feel that you are hardly real.
Twist your mind and break your thoughts in two, so I can look like you.

You are all I am, if my wishes all went as planned.
You are all I am, if I needed false hope to stand.

If your made of stone, then break my bones and steal my home.
You will find tradition makes you blind and leaves you so alone.

You are all I am, if my wishes all went as planned.
You are all I am, if I needed false hope to stand.

Don't make God wake your mind...wake your soul.
Don't give Him reason for letting go.
Don't let God drag you on...run to Him.
Don't let Him fade.

Trying Two's

We are in the midst of the "trying two's". I choose not to call them the terrible two's because I don't want any part of Gianna's life to be remembered as terrible. And well, I guess it could be worse. But it is very trying to say the least! She is pushing my buttons constantly. Everything is a struggle with her now. She isn't a fit pitcher really, she doesn't scream or throw her self down. Mainly because she knows I'd NEVER allow that kind of behavior. But she does test me and Beej big time! She doesn't ever want to ride in the buggy at the store anymore, if I insist she does she wants to sit in the back but then she won't sit down, she wants to stand up. And then if I let her walk she doesn't want to hold my hand. It's like something constantly. Today we went to eat lunch at Burger King and I put her in a high chair and she didn't want to sit in it, she wanted to sit in the "big girl" seat but then I knew she wouldn't stay seated and she'd end up with food all over her. But she got mad and so we spent half the meal threatening to give her a spanking if she didn't obey. Then she refused to eat anything...ugh! The list could go on and on. She is all the time back talking me and telling me "not to talk". Or she'll put her hand up in my face when I'm telling her something. Little booger! I'm trying so hard to talk her through this stuff and not lose my patience but it's so hard. I just feel like it never gets through to her. I do have to spank her sometimes and I do hate it but at the same time I'm not going to allow her to become a brat. I've been around way too many kids that are rude and obnoxious and their parents can't control them in any way. I want Gianna to be a well behaved child that others can enjoy being around. But at the same time I want her to be able to be a child but a good one! She's such a smart child, she catches onto things quickly. Sometimes too quickly! She has a heard a few bad words lately that I don't know where she got them. I try to be very careful what she watches on TV and who she's around and what they say but somewhere she picked up the word "b*tch". The other day we were cleaning the bathroom and she walked over to the tub and said "We're gonna clean this b*tch!" I was shocked! I almost laughed too! It was pretty funny but awful at the same time! I explained to her that it was a bad, bad word and she wasn't to say it at all, ever! She seemed upset at first but then she just kept saying "That's a bad, bad word!" She knows her colors fairly well now, she gets them mixed up every once in awhile but for the most part she knows. She's got most of her basic shapes down too. Rectangles are her biggest thing right now, she sees rectangles everywhere! She is learning the differences between number and letters. We're working on them, she has a set of numbers and letters that go in the bath tub and she loves pointing them out and asking or telling me what they are. Potty training is still iffy. She does pretty good at home, she still has a few little "accidents" on her way to the potty but for the most part she has it down. She doesn't stay dry at night or nap time so she wears a pull up and I put a pull up on her when we go out. And to be honest, I am just lazy when it comes to taking her to the bathroom when we are out. She forgets to tell me and I just don't take her. I've got to get better at doing that. After Christmas I think we are going back to no pull ups and just deal with panties. She's got to get this thing down before she turns 3! So much work!!!! I'm so excited about Christmas with her this year - she is very hyped about it!

Feeling Alone....

So, I'm feeling alone again. Mainly in my exercise quest again. I started out with my hubby and some friends helping me and motivating me but my hubby dropped out and I think my friends might have to now....or at least breaked for the holidays. And that's totally fine but I just feel alone again. I don't have anyone to help me or to talk to about it anymore. I'm feeling my motivation lagging again. I'm not at all satisfied with how I look but I can't seem to get up the gumption to get where I wanna be. The holidays are looming ahead too and I'm terrified I'm going to get fat again. But I don't know how to get my motivation and excitement back. I've skipped two work outs this week for no reason other then I was just too lazy to do them. And that pisses me off. And I'm eating WAY too much again too. I was doing so good watching what I was eating and how much. Now I'm back to just eating whatever, whenever I want. And well, it's going to start catching up with me again. I guess I'm also afraid that losing more weight will lose me more friends too. My last best friend ended our friendship over some trivial things but I think the real reason she didn't want to be my friend anymore is because I was losing weight. Yeah, that sounds kinda like I'm tooting my own horn but that's not the case, I'm just saying I think she got jealous. And that hurts my feelings too - to think that my friendship to someone is less important then them feeling good. Dang people! Anyway, my next goal is of course a size 4 at Old Navy! And to lose at least another 10 to 15lbs. I think my "reward" will be to pay and get my hair done at a nice salon! I've been wanting to go red for awhile just haven't had the money to have it done right! So maybe I can save up a good $200 and go get it done in Greenville or somewhere. I think I deserve it! So I need to get my lazy butt back in gear and not count on everyone else to motivate and encourage me! I have go to learn to do it myself!!!!!

For Gianna

I think this song is so beautiful and it puts into words all the things I wish for Gianna. Sometimes I can't express how much I love her. I dread the day she is hurt by something or someone but I know these things will happen and I can only hope I'm the shoulder and support she needs. And that I'll give her unconditional love through everything she may encounter in her life!

If I Could ( Celine Dion)

If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would

If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes, I would

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could

If I live
In a time and place where you don't want to be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday
Won't have to be your way

If I knew
I'd would try to change the world I brought to you to


And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would
If I could...
oh baby... I just want to protect you
and help my baby through the hungry years
cause you're part of me
and if you ever... ever need
I said a shoulder to cry on
Or just someone to talk to
I'll be there... I'll be there
I didn't change your world
but I would
If I Could!

Slacker.

So I'm a slacker. I haven't quit working out by any means but I've been really slacking on them and not putting a full effort into them and I've been switching up work outs when I don't feel like doing the one I'm supposed to and well, I NEVER did that the first time around with P90X. I'm doing what I feel is easier or quicker. And sometimes the quicker part I have to because I have somewhere to go and know I won't have any other time to work out because I don't work out well at night at all. I prefer mornings or right after lunch. Other wise I have zero motivation. Same with my diet, I've totally slacked on it all the way. I've eaten so much crap for the past two weeks and I'm starting to "see" it. My tummy is bloated and I just feel awful. I've tried to get back on it for the past two days and I'll do good through like lunch and then my will power totally dissolves and by dinner time I've totally undone anything good I've done all day. Ticks me off that I'm so up and down with it. I've really got to lose another 15, possibly even 20lbs. My ultimate goal is 120lbs. I think it's a good weight for my height and for where I'm at right now. I know with the holidays coming up it's going to be so hard to be consistent and not gain all the weight I have lost back. I've noticed my skinny jeans feel a little tighter then they should so I've really got to buckle down and get back with it. I put up my inspiration picture of Jessica Alba on my fridge hoping she'll help me think before I got stuffing stuff in my mouth but I'm not sure it's worked so far. I just wonder if this is something I'm going to forever struggle with? Am I always going to thinking about this. I mean, even now, losing some and getting healthier it's still all I think about. I think about how I'm going to motivate myself, how I'm going to not eat everything I want to, how I'm going to look in my clothes, how I'd feel if I gained back what little I've lost, etc. It's constantly on my mind. I haven't felt good for the past few days, I get all jittery and shaky when I work out. I don't know if it's because I'm not eating the right stuff or what. I started new vitamins a few days ago and I'm hoping they'll help me feel better. I just want to be skinny! I want a flat tummy, I'm not even asking for a six pack, I just want to put on a shirt and not see a "tire". Or put on pants and not have to make sure my "love handles" don't hang out. I feel like this is a never ending battle.....and I'm so tired.

Nothing makes me happier....

...then to see my daughter happy! Tonight she is in a wonderful mood and even though I love her even when she's cranky seeing her happy makes me feel great! I feel like all the hard work and effort I put into her, all the love and patience I give her is paying off! Today we went out with mother in law who is always gracious to us and treats us to wonderful "goodies"! She bought Gi an adorable pair of boots today and a super cute little Tinkerbell doll! And Gianna couldn't have been more excited about that doll! She carried it all over the store, just staring at it! And has carried it around with her ever since. It took a nap with her, sat by her plant during dinner, went to the movie store with us and is now watching herself on the big screen! We took Gianna down to the movie store and picked up the newest Tinkerbell movie, Gi has seen the old one and loved it too! So now they are snuggled up in the living room watching their movie and having a great time! Gianna keeps yelling for me to bring her cookies and milk! I've promised just as soon as they are out of the oven and cooled I will bring her some and she gets that super big excited smile on her face and I just melt! Sitting in there holding her doll, wearing her Tinkerbell pj's and watching a movie. I see how much she's growing up and the things she's into and I'm just so excited watching her discover herself - what she likes and dislikes! It's so exciting to see her "get into" things! I'm looking forward to Christmas so much - knowing how thrilled she will be over all the decorations, festivities, lights, presents and fun! It's going to be amazing!

"Thoughts and After That"

So I'm so excited to announce that my hubby's first EP is going to be released soon! He goes by Stranger in Bree and the EP is entitled "Thoughts and After That". He's been working on this project for almost a year now and he's put alot of time, effort and energy into it. It's not quick, cheap, crappy work that he randomly threw together and called it "music". These songs are heart felt, quality songs. People have already heard a few of the songs and some clips but have yet to hear it completely through. He let me listen to it straight through the other day and it's impressive! Raw but solid! His musical style on this project has taken a totally different twist then I forsaw at the beginning but I think it fits him and it's been neat to watch him grow and change musically. I thinks it's great that he's allowing his true musical ability show through instead of trying to copy someone else's style or sound. Or make something he's knows people who know nothing about music will like. This is cool stuff that only people with great musical taste will understand and love. The official track recording and album art work has been sent off for publishing! It will be available for downloading on every major music site in just a few weeks - iTunes, CDbaby, etc. It will be available for download all over the US and Europe! How cool is that?!!! I'm really expecting this to go far and really build a step for him to reach even higher heights with his next project. His official website is being constructed as we speak! He's putting alot of effort into all of this to make sure it isn't "cheesy" and so far he's done a perfect job! You'll be able to find him at www.strangerinbree.com but for now you can visit him at myspace.com/strangerinbree. Please support him, pass the word along and really listen to the music. If you like it then let others know about it! The only way this is going to make it is if people support it and not just people who knows us or are friends with us but total strangers taking this and running with it and promoting it along side of him/us! The EP will be available in less then $6! It has a total 6 tracks on it.....Please visit his myspace for now and let him know what you think. Artist/musicians don't happen over night and with out help and support. If everyone of my Facebook and Myspace friends gave it to a friend of theirs and so on and so on then their would be a huge fan base before you know it and that's how it's going to happen! We appreciate your love and support! This is Beej's dream and I want to see it flourish for him. He's put in long hard hours on this project - writing, playing, producing and tweaking it all! This is his passion and love and I know he's going to keep working hard at it until his dream comes true and he gets where he wants to be! Luckily, I'm married to him and I get to go on this ride and journey with him, supporting him is supporting me too! Thanks for everything, everyone! Please keep your eye on Stranger in Bree!!!!

Alba Inspired...

So I've had a few "inspirations" along the way as far as what I'd like to look like or a style I'd like to have, etc. But no one has inspired me more then Jessica Alba! I LOVE, love, love her style - classic chic' and she's the most adorable, stylish mom and I'm dying to look like her! I have a ways to go but this is what I want to look like when someone takes my picture!!!

Are you surprised?

Do people ever cease to amaze you? It's like no matter how much time and effort you put into certain people they never see it. All they see if one mistake or maybe you didn't even make a mistake - they just make up stuff and even though you've never lied to them they still seem to think this lie they've come up with in their heads it true. I've recently gone through a "break up" with a close friend. And it's nearly as bad a breaking up with a boyfriend. It's hard for me to get close to people, so when I do I usually trust them all out and treat them like family. I'd do whatever I could for them, stick up for them and enjoy spending time with them! But this person has suddenly decided that our friendship is "too stressful" on her. I don't even know what that means. To be honest I think I make her uncomfortable now. That's not bragging on me or anything, it's far from it. I'm heart broken that she's decided to completely shun me because I have other friends that she doesn't like. And part of me is glad I've seen this other side of her, because I know that's not the kind of people I want to call "friend" but at the same time I'm angry and hurt that for the past year and a half I've trusted this person and truly thought we were close. It overwhelms me at how often this happens. You think someone is so true to you, so loyal and that they love you very much and then at the drop of a hat they turn their backs on you and walk away when the relationship/friendship is no longer benefiting them or making them feel good. There have been lots of things over the past few years that I've been friends with this person that I've felt a little jealous of things she's had or done but I always try to put those feelings aside and be happy for her and rejoice because I know if I can't do that then I'll never be blessed.
Isn't it funny how getting fit (or trying to) will bring out people's true colors and feelings? I can't believe how many people get "mad" at me because I've lost some weight. And I don't flaunt it or walk around bragging but I am proud of my accomplishment. People don't understand how many times I've tried to lose weight in the past few years and have failed and failed and failed. How many diets I've started and lasted a day through, no one understand that my will power and motivation up until now has been zero. No one can rejoice with me not just about the actual weight loss but rejoice with me in the person I am becoming on the inside. I'm learning more self motivation, more inner belief in myself, becoming more inspired, becoming more self confident. No one seems to see those accomplishments. And they start hating me because they lack these themselves. Believe you me, I've been there. Dissed people I didn't know because they were skinny like I wanted to be, dissed people because they were in the gym when I was too lazy to get motivated to be there too, dissed people because they stuck with something long enough to see results and I couldn't. I got tired of being "one of those people" so I changed it. I have SO far to go to, I'm not even half way there yet. I need support and encouragement, not people that run out on me as soon as things aren't going their way. I ask this question all the time, are their truly real friends out there? People who will stick by you no matter what, stand up for you, be an encouragement, rejoice in your accomplishments even if they themselves aren't there yet....where have all those kind of people gone? I've ceased to be surprised when people I love and trust and who I think love and trust me turn on me and walk away. Are you surprised?
The picture above is of my hubby, someone I know will NEVER EVER walk out on me, even when I aggravate or frustrate him. He's stuck with me through all my failings and short comings. He's been my rock, my inspiration, my encouragement, even my advisor sometimes! I love him more then anything, and I take comfort in the fact that even when or if ALL my other friends and loved ones walk away I can count on him coming home and loving me every day! And that too surprises me sometimes, what did I ever do to deserve someone's love like that?! But I'm happy someone thought I did!

Day 90/Halloween

Day 90. I made it! I'm so happy and so proud of myself! My friend and her husband have been doing it "along with" me and that's has made it alot of fun too! Today is their Day 90 too and I'm so proud of them! They are looking fab!!!
We had a good Halloween! Gianna was a great pirate, it turned out so much cuter then I thought it would! I'm glad I let her pick her own costume this year. I think she enjoyed it even more knowing she had a say in what she was. I'm already thinking about possibilities for next year! I like to think ahead, maybe not quite plan ahead but I think ahead alot! I do hate it that Beej missed out on all the festivities with us. He had to work. He dressed up at an 80's dude! I haven't seen him yet but he's on his way home now so I'll see it soon! I kinda saw a preview of it before and it was kinda cute!!! I'm eager to hear what all his co-workers were! That's always interesting! He starts his job back at the water plant on Monday.....
Shopping on Tuesday! I'm so excited about new clothes! I'm totally in love with my skinny jeans! I don't know if they look the best on me but I rock them best I can!!! Hehe! I'll look super hot in them after this next 90 days is up!!! Woohoo!!!
I'm pretty happy and pleased with myself and my life right now! Things are good!!!

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween! I'm excited although we dressed up Gianna last night and took her Trick Or Treating downtown last night. For some reason our town does it the night before instead of the night of! But we went downtown with some friends and we had a blast!!! Gianna collected alot of candy! She was the cutest pirate I've ever seen! She was pleased with her costume, she picked it out herself! I'm glad she kept all the accessories on, it really completed the outfit! We're going to a church festival this evening, more candy and more fun!!!!

I'm Happy Today....

Today I am very happy! As I've mentioned before Halloween is my Day 90 of P90X. And my goal was to be in a size 6 by the end of this month. Mainly my goal was to buy a size 6 jeans as Old Navy. That's my favorite jean store, my favorite store really but especially for jeans! And today I went in and tried on a pair of size 6 skinny jeans and holy cow, they fit!!!! I was so excited! And I don't mean super tight, I can barely button them "fit" but comfy fit!!! I was beyond thrilled! I planned to wait and buy then Tuesday when I went shopping but I was so excited I had to buy them right then and there, not to mention they were on sale too! I plan to wear them proudly Tuesday when I go shopping! Yay for working out and getting fit. I still have a ways to go, I'm not as "hot" as I wanna be but I'm feeling better and better about myself. Got to get back eating right and working out even harder! Speaking of which I gotta run workout!!! Yay for sweating!!! Haha!!!

I Saw Myself Today.....

I tend to get on here and vent alot. And I'm sorry but sometimes I just need somewhere to get things off my chest so I don't carry them around with me and weigh myself down! Today hasn't been a bad day but it hasn't been super great either. First of all I woke up and my ankle is so swollen I can't do anything with it. I'm not sure what's wrong or what I did. I don't remember turning it or hurting it. But it's been swelling a bit off and on for the past couple of weeks but today is the worst it's been so far. I have a knot under my outer ankle bone and then it's all puffy around it. And it hurts to put alot of pressure on it too. I've iced it some but that doesn't seem to do anything. I'm hoping it's better by tomorrow because I have a pretty intense workout that I don't plan to miss!
But the bad part of my day came this afternoon....my parents recently had some family photos made and even though I wasn't "in" them they had me do a couple with my sis and mom. And I saw them today. Nearly brought me to tears. I was so excited to see them, hoping I'd look at them and see my "skinny" shining through but I didn't. In fact, I look just down right fat. My face is all round and "swollen" looking and my thighs look massive. I was so upset and depressed after that. I guess I'm looking for more result then there is. And when I feel depressed instead of avoiding food I tend to go right to it. I'm really have to work at keeping myself from eating and eating tonight. I know it will just depress me further when I wake up and realize I consumed 1000 more calories then I was supposed to today. Oh, well. Hopefully Round 2 of P90X will get me closer to where I want to be. I was planning to have family pictures made of Beej and I and Gi come December or so but after seeing myself in those pictures, NO WAY! Maybe next December! Lol! I think I just need to call it a day and go to bed!

Getting There.

Today is Day 80 for on P90X. I've missed two workouts during this entire time! I'm SO proud, you have no idea! I never thought I'd make it this far and here I am, ten day away from completely an entire round and ready for my next one! I'm feeling much better about myself and people have been complimenting me alot, it's always nice when others start to notice your hard work. I will admit that once again my diet has really fallen off track for the last week but I'm determined to get it back on track tomorrow. I really want to do well for the next 10 days so that I can go clothes hunting not feeling bloated and depressed about myself! Haha! I'm hoping it will turn into a big girl's day out! I've invited my friends and my mom and sis to go along for the fun! Can't decide if I wanna take Gi or not, it will be hard for me to really look and try on stuff with her there so I may try to leave her with someone so I can just have the day to myself!
I'm still getting sore after some of my workouts and that's a good sign! My hip muscles are sore today after kicking so much! I love being a little sore because it makes me feel like I've worked really hard!!! Anyway, I just had to say that I'm pretty pleased with my progress, still got a ways to go but I'm feeling so much better and alot happier with myself!!!
I've been thinking about going back to school. Not sure if I'm ready for that or not but I'm thinking about it. I'm contemplating going to Massage Therapy school. I love massage and I think it would be a good field for me. There is a great school near me but I don't know that the schedule can be worked out well enough for me right now not to mention the financial stuff falling into place. I've also thought about pursuing something like Physical Training. I'd love to learn more about the human body and helping make it fit and healthy. And I'd like to teach others about it, but again, I'm just not sure it's the right time in life. Right now I'd really just like to find a part time job. People are calling Beej back about jobs and he already has one but it seems no one wants to hire me for a few hours in the mornings.....grrrrr! I'm just doing everything I can part time for family and friends to help bring in extra money here and there. I help my dad with some of his ministry stuff and I'm helping my mother in law with her cattery some just to bring in a little extra income but it's not steady and it's kinda unpredictable so I just need something consistent. And I would like to get out of the house for a bit every day too. Please pray something good opens up for me!

Bummed.

I'm kinda bummed today because I didn't stick with my goal. I didn't stick to not messing up on my diet all month. The past couple of days have been horrible! I've eaten terrible and consumed an unreal amount of calories. Ugh, makes me gag just thinking about it. Totally did away with my week of working out. And for the first time in 75 days I skipped my workout Thursday. Shame I know. I was gone ALL day and when I got home I just couldn't bring myself to do an hour and a half of Yoga. But I do plan to make it up tomorrow which is normally my rest day. So that I'm ok with. But my eating can't be undone. I feel SO bloated and greasy. Ick. But hopefully I can get with it tomorrow and not mess up til the end of my 90 days at least. My 90th day is on Halloween! I'm so thrilled! I set my mind to do this and I've done it, and loved it! I'm eager to continue on and see how much more I can transform myself in another 90 days! I do feel better about myself overall. I can walk by my store front window or a mirror now without gagging and becoming depressed! I actually think "Hmmm, I'm getting there!" I'm so excited about going shopping! Not only because I haven't had new clothes in forever but also because I know I'm going to enjoy it so much more now that I feel good about myself and know I'm inches thinner! Woohoo! Plus I promised myself that if I made it the entire 90 days I would do this for myself and I've almost done it! No one knows what a HUGE step this is for me! It's the first exercise commitment I've made and stuck with in, well, my whole life I think! I'm tired of having excuses or not having excuses anymore....used to it was " Well, I just had a baby" but after the first 6 months that doesn't work so well anymore! And if surely doesn't work anymore when your baby is almost 3! Lol! I'm like just admit your lazy. I was. I just didn't want to take the time and effort it takes to lose weight. It's the hardest thing I've ever done! And continues to be because I'm not where I want to be. And I'm tired of people "poo-pawing" where I want to be! I told someone recently I hoped to be in a size 6 by the end of the month or at least by the end of next month. And they laughed. As though I was way to far from that goal or that I'd never get there. And I mentioned to someone else I'm close to that my ultimate goal is to be a size 4 again and they said "Well, you may never see that size again, even if you lose weight after you have a baby your hips spread and just need to understand you may never get back down to that again." I say to them "WHATEVER!" Lol! I know that it's within my capability to get there and I will! Here's to reaching goals!!! Woohoo!

Making hairbows....

So I know alot of people have gotten into making bows recently. I LOVE bows and wish Gianna had more hair to wear them! Lol! They end up slipping out most of the time. But I still think they are so cute and I know in a few years she probably won't want to wear them at all so I'm trying to make her wear as many as I can right now! But to be honest I just can't afford the what most people charge for their bows. Even though it may only cover their cost and shipping it to me, it's still to pricey for me. I'm not a very crafty person at all but I've thought maybe I'd get some stuff and start trying to make a few for Gianna. I doubt I'll get into the "tied" bows but maybe some head band kind of things. I've posted a picture of the kind I want to make but I'm not sure where to find those kind of head bands. Does Wal Mart carry them? Maybe Target? And how would you attach the flower? Glue? Tie it on? Sorry, my mind just doesn't work in these crafty ways so if anyone has ideas or knows how to do it please let me know!!!!

Picture List!

My Shopping List!

So I am, as I've mentioned before, going clothing shopping at the end of the month! I'm beyond excited and counting down the days! I haven't had new clothes in so long....it's going to be so fun trying on stuff and buying stuff! I think we are going to make a "girls day out" of it! So I'm making a list of things I want to look for and buy. I've found the best way to get the look and style you want is to go find pictures of it and then purchase pieces that look like the pieces in the pics. I put up some of Jessica Alba not to long ago that I'm going to be using as references in my shopping adventure! SO here's my never ending list! Can't promise myself I'll be able to get everything but I'm going to start!

1. New Jeans - I'm not quite ready for skinny cut jeans just yet, gotta lose some more weight so for now I'll stick with dark wash, boot cut jeans. Dark wash is slimming, especially for hippier people. Boot cut is sophisticated but cute. Flare leg seem a little to "youthy".

2. Cardigan - a neutral color that can be paired with jeans, slacks or dresses.

3.New undershirts - I always wear a tank top under my t-shirts and I need some new ones!

4. Shirt dresses - I want a solid colored one and maybe a plaid one for more fun! They are adorable with leggings and flats!

5. New black flats - I've got two pairs but they are starting to look worn!

6.Scarf - I have several but need a multi colored one....

7. Boots - some flat heeled, walking boots in gray maybe or black.

8. New shirts - just some cute, modern ones! Lol!

I'm pretty excited!!! Working on putting together some money and it's off shopping I go!!!! Woohoo!!!

Compliments from my honey.....

My hubby has always been very honest with me! He always encouraged me but never did he butter me up or tell me just what I wanted to hear so when my hubby tells me something I know it's the flat out truth! And for the past couple of days he's complimented me on the weight I've lost and how much I've toned up and tightened up!!! It tickles me pink because I know it's true and I love that people are seeing my results now! It really encourages me to keep going! I'm ready to keep it up! Today is my day 70 on P90X! I'm thrilled I've made it this far and I'm thrilled that I'm going to keep it up! I can't wait to see how much more I can change my body in the next few months! I've started doing double workouts 2-3 times a week now to really try and up my weight lose results. I'm ready to be skinny and I'm working hard for it! Really watching my diet and pushing my workouts! And nothing makes me happier then getting compliments from my sweetie!!!

Sometimes I ask why?

Growing up I watched my parents struggle financially. My mom was a stay at home mother of 5 kids and my dad was in the ministry so there was never alot of extra money. We paid bills and survived pretty much. But we never went without either. But in order to help out my parents started putting alot of stuff on credit cards. And I've watched them struggle to get out of debt now for years. And I swore that once I was out on my own and/or married I would never go into debt other then "safe debt" like purchasing a home. When I moved out of my parents home I lived with my grandparents and had a part time job while I went to school, and I never used a credit card, not once. I didn't have a lot of extra money but I had enough to take care of what I needed too. When my hubby and I got married we both decided that we never wanted to be in debt and that both of us would do whatever it took to keep us out of debt. Things have been very tight at time, literally down to our last dollar yet God has always provided for us. We've never been without! Even though we only have one car it's completely paid for, no car payment! We don't own our own home yet but we pay out rent every month. We are never behind each month. All our bills are paid on time and with cash. Quite a feat when you have a child and I don't work. I do "odd jobs" and help my parents out with stuff for their ministry to earn extra money to help out but for the most part my hubby pays for every thing with his job. He works hard, long hours and I am so proud of him. And I'm very proud of the fact that we have managed for fours years to stay out of debt. In fact, up until a few months ago we didn't even own a credit card. We do now simply because we want to build credit in order to purchase a home in the upcoming future. But we only make purchases we know we can pay off each month. It's hard sometimes when you see other people, people your age, doing things, purchasing things, going places that you can't. But at the same time I know that we don't have to worry about all the money we owe to someone else. I'd rather be patient and purchase what we want when we have the money in hand. I know that the whole idea is a novel concept to most people my age but it's a good thing! We can't expect to have everything right away, we have to earn it and work for it. That's how it used to be done. I hope and pray that we can instill that concept into Gianna. Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish I could snatch up the credit card and run out and buy clothes and jewelry and shoes and new Cd's. There are days I wish I could snatch it up and go out to eat when I don't have the money. I wish I could take it and buy Gianna's lots of cool toys and new clothes. But somehow I would just feel guilty walking around in clothes or playing with toys I knew we hadn't actually paid for...or that in the end would probably cost me double what they were. Some days I'm embarrassed to say "No, we can't...." because I know we don't have any money. Or that what money we do have is going to pay bills. But somehow I've never felt like we were really poor! We have a nice place to live, a car that runs well, clothes on our backs and food in the cabinets. It angers me to hear people say "Oh I know exactly what you mean" when I know they don't. When I see what they spend and how they spend I know they have no idea what it's like not be able to just do whatever they want, whenever they want. I'm learning so much patience, yet I think I appreciate the new things we do buy and the times we do get to go out even more then other would!!! I'm thankful we are living debt free!

Fit, Fit, Hooray!!!!

Ugh. I'm in a munchy mood tonight. And I don't need to be! I screwed up today and had two small pieces of pizza for lunch at my in laws house BUT I just cut back for dinner and still managed to only go a hundred calories over today! Woohoo! But I still feel like crap that I went over at all. I've been doing so good but that took up a huge chunk my calories for the day. And it was good at the time but I've felt yucky ever since. I think there was some sausage on it and pork usually doesn't agree with me very well AT ALL! I think it messed Gigi up too because her tummy has been bothering her ever since too. But right now I'd love to have some serious chocolate! Like a huge, warm brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and some chocolate sauce! Or some Bluebell Mint Chocolate ice cream! *Sigh* but I won't do it! I am strong and this urge will pass. And once I'm on the other side of it I'll be so proud that I didn't give in! We had some ice cream here earlier but I made my brothers eat it so I wouldn't be tempted tonight. Because I knew I would be! I did pretty good at Outback the other night too - I didn't eat any bread (so hard!) and I only had a few cheese fries, let Beej eat the majority of them! And then for dinner I had a salad with no croutons and dressing on the side (it's amazing how little dressing you really need!), a 6 oz steak (SO yummy!) and as my side I got grilled pineapple! Very tasty! And water to drink! Can't go wrong with that! I could have skipped the cheese fries but I didn't eat alot of them! I'm getting better at this whole resisting thing! I really try to concentrate on how crappy I know I'll feel if I do give in. I'm tired of feeling horrible every time I give in to something I know I shouldn't have. It's a nice feeling when I resist temptation! My mother in law commented today that I was losing alot of weight! She doesn't know how hard I've been trying too! It made me feel great! It made me ready to keep going on and trying hard!!! I like the way I look and feel....and I'm excited about how much better I'm going to feel in the future! Hooray for fitness!!!

My New Idol!!!

So I am totally loving Jessica Alba right now! She's got such a cute figure and her style is SO cute! I would LOVE to look like her! I so want to get my style back and she totally rocks what I have envisioned in my mind! Not to mention she's such an adorable mom and I totally wanna be that cute, young mom! I'm tired of feeling and looking frumpy! I'm so ready a style makeover!