Guilt of a stay at home mom....

I may be the ONLY one who feels this way but I hope not.....I feel guilty about being at home. Especially now that Gianna is in school 5 days a week. We started our marriage out with two incomes. I worked 35 hours a week as a stylist and B worked 40 hours a week as a waiter. Between us both we made decent money. I mean, not rich by any means but we paid the bills and had plenty left over for having fun, eating out, buying stuff we wanted when we wanted. I bought new clothes and shoes weekly and never thought twice about it. Then we moved and our plan was exactly the same - we'll both get jobs, we'll live the same kinda life we did before. But then I got pregnant and super sick and we decided I just needed to stay home while I was pregnant and then stay home with the baby since it probably wouldn't be worth it to try and put her in daycare for me to have a minimum wage job. Not to mention we of course wanted our child to be raised by her parents. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with people who choose to work, honestly, but for us it just made more sense for me to be at home.

But living on one income, although it's a decent one, is still not easy. We pay our bills and we do get to enjoy eating out - mainly because it's just cheaper then trying to buy stuff to cook every night. But anything extra is well....just kinda difficult. And I tend to have a guilt complex. I feel guilty about everything - how I make people feel, saying no, and spending money. I don't contribute that much ( I make a very little bit helping my parents ministry out) and I know how much my husband hates working a 9-5 job and I just feel straight up guilty. I feel he could be doing what he loves (music) if he wasn't trying to pay bills for us. And I live with this day in and day out. I feel insanely guilty spending $5 on something. I get gas at the beginning of the week, usually just enough to be able to take Gianna back and forth to school and even though that's not even for me and a necessity I still feel awful.

I hate doing anything for myself unless I somehow come up with the money on my own which is a lot harder then it sounds. I can't seem to get my Etsy shop to do anything. I've sold a few things here and there but it's not consistent and I've been pretty much BEGGING people to buy stuff now and that's not even working so I'm giving up on that. It's not worth the time and effort I put into it. It seems like nothing is close by so it's always a ton of gas to go or do anything. Gianna's dr. and dentist are 35 minutes and an hour and 15 minutes away but we have to go to dr.'s and dentist that take her Medicaid insurance so we don't have a choice. The closest real "city" is 45 minutes away. So yeah, it's like everything constantly is just sucking money out of us when we don't have that much to begin with!

I honestly don't feel like I deserve to ever spend money on myself, at least not until I have an actual job that helps contribute to the household. I know most people view me as lazy because after all I just "sit around" at home right? Now that Gianna's in school I'm just living the high life.....not so. I mean, yeah, I do have it "easy" I guess because I do basic cleaning up, some cooking and watch Gianna when she's home but I feel guilty for that. I really can't wait to move and get a job just so this enormous weight of guilt will be taken off of me or at least relieved a bit.

I am supposed to go get my hair cut Monday but I'm honestly thinking about canceling because I just can't justify driving the 45 minutes to my hair dresser and paying for the cut. It just seems like an unnecessary expense that I can't mentally justify.

Does anyone else deal with this or am I just weird and need to go see someone for help! Lol!

Is it Monday or Tuesday?!

It's sorta one of those mornings. Like not terribly bad but I'm just "off". And that's probably for a combination of reasons - you know that "lady reason", and I woke up in the night with an extremely sore throat and a stopped up nose....not to mention, B and I switched vehicles yesterday, I brought his back with over half a tank of gas. He brought mine back with barely enough for me to get Gi to school and I'm just PRAYING there is enough to get me the 10 miles into town to the nearest gas station. I am paranoid about running out of gas. It's my worse nightmare. And sadly, if I do run out of gas on the way into town I have pretty much NO one I can call to come help me. Lovely, huh?! I'm just begging God to get me there, begging.

Gianna is sick - bless her heart. I feel like since she's started school she barely has a week or two in between being sick again. This time it's a sore throat, crazy runny nose and I'm sure at some point it will turn into a hideous cough. She went to the dr. on Friday for a check up and she's 39 1/2 inches tall (10%) and 32 1/2 lbs. (15%). We've been trying the lactose free thing up until today and because I don't have the mountains of paperwork filled out from the dr. the school won't stop giving her gallons (slight exaggeration) of milk every day so I've told her to drink as little as possible today and she said "how much is a little?!" Lol! But she hasn't complained of tummy aches or anything for three days so that's a good start. I'm going to see how things go after she starts back drinking milk at school.

Yesterday Gianna and I made the hour and a half drive to visit a new friend of mine. We've been talking online via FB for awhile. It's someone my hubby has known for awhile so don't fear that I'm talking and going to visit some perfect stranger! She has three kids all around Gianna's age and we had a really good time! The day seemed to go by so fast and I'm really looking forward to the girl's night out we have planned at the end of the month!

Getting my hair cut Monday and I'm SO excited! I'm truly just over my hair at this point, it's so boring and I'm just ready for some spice! So yeah, I can't wait....Monday can't get here soon enough.

Gianna's had like three days out of school this month but they've all kinda been around the same time so it seems like a lot. I had to take her out of school Fri for her dr.'s appt., she was out of school yesterday, she's going to be out school Friday and Monday too.

So that was the most random post but I thought I'd catch you up a little!

Sunday Confessional V.7

61. I have a shirt that I bought at a thrift store back in 2003. It's an old school 70's green t-shirt that says "Music" on the front. I dug it out of a "fill a bag for a $1" box! I can still wear it but it's so thin it's practically see through but for some reason I just can't part with it.

62. Most people think I'm part Italian or Spanish but I'm actually part Lebanese. My great grandmother came over from Lebanon when she was a young girl. Her name was Fahima Sod Butress and she was also known as Fanny and "Little Mama". Although part of me loves that my daughter looks just like my husband the other part of me really hoped she would get the Lebanese coloring. :-(

63. I used to chew my nails really bad. Like down to the quick bad. But one day when I was about 11 I was chewing on my nails and my dad said, "You know, no boy is going to be interested in a girl that chews her nails like you do...." He was only joking (I think!) but that totally got me and suddenly I stopped chewing my nails....but to compensate I started chewing the skin around my nails. So no matter how nice my nails look (which is rare because they are thin and tear easily) my fingers never do.

64. When Benjamin and I got back together it was a long distance relationship. I was in Bama at school and he was in NC. He didn't have a signal out at his house so he'd call my cell phone from his house. Even though I knew we talked a lot I didn't realize how much. My cell phone bill was about $25 a month at the time. I worked part time as a receptionist at a salon after school and barely made $200 a week. The first cell bill I got was $500 dollars!!!! It was the first time I ever felt myself start to black out! Lol! I knew my parents wouldn't help because a. they didn't want me with him anyway b. they were barely making ends meet with 4 kids still at home. So I called my sweet boyfriend! Little did I know he dipped into his engagement ring fund to pay it. Such a good man!

65. Benjamin took me to my very first movie ever at a movie theater when I was 18! I wasn't allowed to go to the movies growing up and I still remember I was so nervous and excited. We went and saw the movie "Hitch" with Will Smith and Eva Mendes. It was so fun and I've been in love with the movie theater ever since!

66. Every time I go into a bathroom (including my own) that has a shower with a closed shower curtain I have to open it and look.....just to make sure nothing is hiding in there! Lol!

67. I absolutely refuse to go into a Yankee Candle store. Although I love their candles their stores make me absolutely sick.....all those strong smells all together. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Gag.

68. I was 13 when I first got my ears pierced. I was 18 when I finally got a second ear piercing and that was only because I moved out of my parents house. It wasn't allowed while I lived there. Funny thing is now my mom has four in one ear and a nose ring. Hmmmm. I got my nose pierced in early 2008. I'm positive there are no other piercings I would ever get. They sorta freak me out....punching holes where there aren't supposed to be holes! Lol! Although I like the way Monroe piercings look, a friend of mine has one, but there is no way you could even pay me to get it done!

69. I can't wear socks to sleep in....even if I start out in socks I always remove them even if I don't remember doing it. I always find them next to the bed in the floor in the morning.

70. I'm claustrophobic in a serious way. Just the thought of being in a small space makes my heart race and I can't breathe. One time I was in the very back seat of an SVU PACKED with people, everyone was bundled up and the heat was on. I literally thought I was going to suffocate. When we finally stopped I literally shoved my grandmother out the door just so I could get out and get air! Sometimes even the weight of my husband's arm over me at night can cause me to panic....I have to force myself to stop and take deep breaths.

Saying hello to lactose free?

Gianna had to have her yearly check up for school today. Her teacher checked her shot record yesterday and told me she was up to date on all her shots and we wouldn't need any. I made sure to tell Gianna this because she is TERRIFIED of the doctor's office. The moment we walk in she is a boo-hooing hysterical mess. She is petrified of shots. So today she was good because "no shots" but I forgot they'd check her hemoglobin which in her mind is a shot even though it's just a tiny pin prick. So she was in a hysterical mess after that. I finally got her calmed down and told her NO more, that's it! I apologized because I forgot about that but that it was a shot, etc. etc. Then the nurse comes in and Gianna's sitting in her little gown waiting, still scared. And the nurse announces "She needs four shots today!" Gianna immediately freaks the heck out! Great. I said, over my wailing child, "Are you sure? She's had her four year shots, she shouldn't need anymore for awhile." Nurse: "No, she needs these....here's information on the shots" and leaves. I'm looking at the paperwork and I KNOW she's had these shots already like 6 months ago. So I'm getting ready to raise a stink and I'm sending B texts with maybe a cuss word or two in them! Gianna is still flipping out and I'm trying to comfort her and the nurse comes back in and says "Oh no, she's up to date, I hadn't checked her shot records yet....." WHAT?! You came in and announced that before you even checked?! Idiot.

Gianna calms down and the dr. comes in. Gianna was amused her name was Mrs. McDonald. I know Gi had to be thinking her husband was Ronald. She listened to Gi's heart, looked at her eyes, etc. Then I brought up something that has been concerning me and B. Gianna is tiny and fairly "long" for how thin she is. But she generally has a pot belly. But it's more then that - it's a bloated belly. Sometimes it's worse than others and occasionally it looks fairly "normal". But it just didn't look right. I asked Gianna if it hurt but she said no. But it looked painful. And this has been going on for over a year at least. We assumed to begin with that it had to do with her constipation issues. But after being put on Miralax those have gone away and she's fairly regular but the bloated belly continues. She complains of tummy aches fairly often as well. I mentioned this to a few other mommies and one mentioned possible malnutrition which sounds silly since Gianna does eat but it's small portions and fairly picky so I thought it might be a possibility that she wasn't getting what she needed. Another mom mentioned that her daughter was allergic to gluten and that she thought her daughter's was a reaction to gluten in her diet.

I have considered before that Gianna might possibly be lactose intolerant. She was as baby and couldn't drink any milk based formula and was instead put on a soy formula. And her constipation issues really picked up after weaning her off soy and putting her back on milk. But no one, not even the dr. has ever mentioned that might be the case and I've brushed it off. But I've really started thinking this might be a problem. All they serve at school is milk - she gets milk three times a day while she's there plus milk she drinks at home and her favorite foods include Mac N Cheese and yogurt. So of course my dairy loving girl would be lactose intolerant (possibly). So the dr. has suggested we try a lactose free diet for a couple of weeks and she said that should tell us. If that doesn't work she's going to send her to see a gastroenterologist and see if she's possibly got something else with a really long name that effects the throat and can cause gas and nasal/snoring issues. So we'll see.

I'm starting tomorrow taking her off main dairy stuff like milk, cheese and yogurt. But once she goes back to school Tuesday, until I can get a load of paperwork filled out by a doctor and returned (and our dr is 35 mins away!), she'll be back to drinking milk all day. So I'm hoping by a week from Monday we'll have it squared away and she'll be off it for a good two weeks to see if that works. But I already feel bad. I'm thinking about all the dairy/cheese stuff she eats that I'm going to have to restrict and limit. I feel bad for her that I'm limiting things she enjoys. I'm also really concerned about her being on a lactose free diet at school. I don't know how different that will be from the other kids menu but I don't want her to feel singled out or "weird" because she can't drink milk with the other kids or eat Mac N Cheese for lunch....

Here are my questions:

1. Do you have a child that is lactose intolerant? If so, how did you figure it out?

2. Besides obvious dairy stuff what else do I have to restrict or limit?

3. What are good alternatives for things she loves like Mac N Cheese and yogurt if she is lactose intolerant?

We're going to be using Rice milk instead of soy. I've heard some negative things about soy and little girls so I'm being a little cautious. We might mix it in later on if we find milk is the problem. I tend to like the taste of Rice milk better myself but she might like Soy or Almond better. Luckily, she's drank these before because it's all my dad uses although he isn't lactose intolerant, he does it for diet purposes. But what about cheese? Is there a lactose free kind that's good? (I have no idea how you'd make cheese lactose free! Lol!)

I need some help figuring this all out, people!

Vloggin' Vednesdays - Blogger Cribs!

Couldn't for the life of me get my video to upload on here so go HERE and watch it on Youtube! This vlog Wednesday is all about touring our homes so check it out!

Five Things.....ok, maybe 6!

(Can't wait to get this mop CUT!!!)

1. First let me say, "ROLL TIDE, Y'all!" Yup. We are the BCS National Champions again. And I don't wanna hear "that wasn't even a game" or anything like that. The truth is we're the best and we OWNED LSU. 21-0! We're thrilled and proud and our boys are a class act! My sis and father in law came over to watch the game and we ordered pizza and wings. Papa John's had this awesome deal where if you ordered online you could get 50% off your entire order! So we ordered 20 wings and got home and they had sent us home with 40 wings! What?! Yeppers!

2. We said bye-bye to ballet yesterday. To honest I'm really sad. It nearly broke my heart to actually say we're done and we aren't going back. Yesterday was our first day back after the long holiday break. But the two dance classes before that we had meltdowns. Which is SO unlike Gianna. She's fine at school, fine at church, fine anywhere. And she's been fine at dance up until those past couple of times. She goes in happy and by the mid hour break she's in hysterical tears and hyperventilating. I've talked to the teacher and she says nothing happens Gianna just starts crying and keeps it up until she's so distraught. We even have a video monitor in the waiting room so we can watch and nothing happens, she just breaks down. I've talked and talked to her trying to figure out what's wrong? She'll give me feeble little excuses that I know aren't the issue...finally yesterday after another meltdown and us leaving half way through class I asked her if she was crying because she just doesn't want to do dance anymore. She looked really guilty for a moment then nodded. I was so bummed. Bummed that she couldn't just tell me to begin with and bummed that she's really done. I love dance and she did too and I was so excited she loved ballet so much....but I guess we are moving on. But here's a question. Yesterday I paid tuition for the whole month of January and we were there for 30 minutes of the hour long class yesterday. The month before (Dec.) I paid for a full month tuition but we were out on holiday for half the month. I should get my January tuition back, right? And what about the $20 deposit I put down for her costume? I mean, she won't be getting the costume now so I should get that back, right? I'm just wondering. I've never dealt with this kinda thing before I'm just wondering what I should "demand" back or just view as a loss.

3. This morning on the radio they were talking about the "perfect" man. Obviously no one is perfect but they did a poll on a bunch of women and the average woman rates her man 69% perfect. Then they listed the top five issues women have with their men. I can't remember them all but leaving the bathroom messy was one, spending too much time on sports, not liking any of their family members, being rude in public (farting, burping, etc.). And this is totally not to brag (ok, maybe it is!) but I can honestly say if I gave B a percentage on being "perfect" I'd say he's close to 85% at least. The top things most women have an issue with are not even an issue with us. In fact, I'm probably much farther from the "perfect" woman then he is from the "perfect" man! I guess I'm just extremely lucky!

4. So this past week I've been really pushing hard in my work out's. Working out usually around 70-75 minutes. I watched my eating really closely until Saturday night. :-( I just can't seem to stick with it like I want. So my "solution" to that problem is to just work out even harder and longer. I'm hoping that at some point I'll just work out more then I eat! Lol! I doubt that'll happen but I'm trying to get with it. I must say though, lately I just feel happier - and that always helps me lose. Stress really keeps the pounds on me and the past couple of months I've just felt tense and on edge but lately I'm feeling much more relaxed and happy so I'm hoping that translates on the scales as well!

5. I've got a "Girl's Night" out planned at the end of the month and I'm totally thrilled! I've recently kinda made a new online friend and we're going to get to meet at the end of the month. It's actually my husband's ex-girlfriend and I know it sounds strange to even me. Especially because I've kinda had a hard time with the idea of her for a LONG time. She was the only other girl he dated besides me and they lived together for awhile and I just had a hard time with it all. But several months ago we started talking on Facebook and I've started to really like her - she's funny, outgoing, and we have a lot in common. It's a bummer she lives an hour and a half away but we're planning to meet up at the end of the month and have some fun girl time! I'm so excited! Really looking forward to it.....

6. I hate to beg, and I'm a horrible sales person because I hate feeling like I'm "pushing" people to buy something but I really really need some sales in my Etsy shop. I'd like to clear out what's in there before I start adding new stuff.....would you guys check it out? Maybe even make my day and make a purchase?!!!! And maybe pass along my shop link?! Thank you so much. This is my only way of making "extra" money and that's not very extra right now. So every little bit helps! Click HERE to go check out my shop!

Sunday Confessional V.6

51. I pretty much like anything that is mint/chocolate! Ice cream, fudge, candy, hot chocolate, whatever!

52. I'm deathly afraid of heights but I love flying...something about airports and airplanes are so fun!

53. My family are huge Bama fans. So two of our biggest rivalries are Auburn and Tennessee. Both which have orange as one of their team colors. Thus I hate orange and I especially hate the orange and blue combo. Gag.

54. I have never played any kind of sport in my life. I'm very much a girly girl. When Benjamin tries to throw a football too me I usually duck! Lol!

55. I have an obsession with keeping my toenails painted. In fact they are kinda stained from where I keep nail polish on them at all times.

56. I absolutely LOVE the beach but I won't go more then ankle deep into the water. It freaks me out that there are all sorts of creatures living in it and the salt really irritates the skin on my legs and end up making them red and then they burn! But I'll lay out and cook in the sun till I'm a lobster!

57. Speaking of laying out I've never ever been to a tanning bed in my life. I thought about going this past summer but it seemed like a waste of time, gas and money when I could go lay out by the pool in my backyard.

58. Even though I've been trying to grow my hair out for like 8 months now I'm totally bored with it and I'm going to cut it off again. And I'll tell you a secret....my hair was the longest at my fattest, it was short and cute at my skinniest. So when my hair starts getting long I automatically start seeing a fatter face in the mirror. I know, it's all in my head, but I think that's part of the reason I just don't like my hair long right now....

59. My ultimate dream car is a Range Rover but until then I'd like a Honda Accord. No joke. They are the greatest little cars. The first car I bought with my very own savings back in 2004 was an '89 baby blue Honda Accord. An elderly lady had purchased it new and drove it to like church and the grocery store once a week so it only had about 85,000 miles on even though it was 15 years old. I LOVED that car! It took me back and forth to Cosmetology school and work 6 days a week for a year. Then some stupid lady hit me from behind while I was stopped at a light and completely totaled it. I was broken hearted. After that I bought a lemon of a Ford Taurus from my boss who swore it was THE best car. It had a "ghost" and we spent almost $1,000 trying to fix it to no avail. So I basically gave it away just trying to get rid of it!

60. My favorite scent is Bath & Body Works Moonlight Path. The smells reminds me of dating Benjamin and I just find it warm & sexy. I need to go buy some.....