When you can't grant requests....

There is nothing I love more than granting my daughter's requests. It makes me so happy to see her happy. Obviously sometimes I have to say no. And I know even as a child myself I thought my parents got a kick out of telling me no. But now that I'm parent myself I realize that sometimes the frustration behind the 'no' isn't because they didn't want me to ask or did love doing or buying things for me but because they were frustrated they couldn't grant my request. Whether it be money, time, etc. sometimes it has to be a no. And I hate that. I wish I could always says yes and hand over whatever my little girl's heart desires. But it's just not possible.

Today, as I was parking the car at Wal-Mart, Gianna pipes up from the back and says,

"I want a brother or sister!"

Out of no where.

She went through this about a year ago too. She kept asking for a brother or sister. Her cousin Ava, who is her age, has a little brother and at the time Gianna had been around them a bit and I think she really wanted to be a big sister too. Like Ava.

For those of you who don't know my tubes are tied. We can't biologically have any more children. At the time that Gianna was born we were really young, barely making it and the thought of "accidentally" getting pregnant and having another child was terrifying. I had two surgeries back to back, a month apart. I was an emotional wreck and being on birth control pills was making it 100% worse.

In the county we lived in, if you were over the age of 20 and already had one child you qualified for a free tubal ligation. It seemed like the perfect idea at the time. No more BC pills, no more worrying about accidentally getting pregnant. We have one kid and we were done!

It never crossed my mind that maybe one day my little girl would grow up and want a sibling. And now, now I can't give her one. I never thought I'd regret my decision to tie my tubes but I do now. Do I want to be pregnant? Not really, but I know it's worth it in the end. I feel like my husband and I are at such a better place in life and would be able to handle another baby so well. Not that we didn't enjoy Gianna as a baby but I feel like I'd enjoy another one so much more. I wouldn't be as "green" about motherhood as I was the first time around. And to see my daughter with a sweet sibling to love would probably make my heart burst with love and happiness!

People tell me, "You can have the tubal reversed" but no insurance (even if we had it.) would cover it because it's not a necessary surgery. So it would cost anywhere from $8,000-12,000 to have it reversed. So that's not really an option!

About two years ago, even before Gianna started asking for a sibling, I really felt like God placed adoption on my heart. Let me say this, in all honesty, I don't dream big. I guess I just don't have the faith yet to see far beyond where I am now. Adoption seems completely and utterly out of the question. At the time I talked to my husband about it and he said that maybe at the right time that would be something to consider. 

That was two years ago and I guess I honestly don't know when the right time will be. To me there will always be reasons not to and the money it takes to adopt?! Wow. But I guess I also have seen, over and over, people pull together to raise money for adoptions so I know it can be done!

I dream of starting the process, of being approved, of meeting that sweet baby for the first time but most of all of seeing my little girl as a big sister!!

It's an overwhelming idea but one that two years later is still growing strong in my heart.

And sometimes, like today, Gianna says something that makes me realize that idea isn't as crazy as it may seem. Adoptions happen all the time, people make it happen. When you want something enough you make it happen, right?! Hopefully it'll happen. 

Gianna's 5 1/2 now, to me she's the perfect age to be a big sister. She's past all the potty training, she sleeps without issues, she's becoming more and more independent around the house and taking her out places isn't a problem. And I know more than anything she'd be a sweet and loving big sister!

So who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to grant even that big request. And nothing would make me happier!

Second Pet Curse

This is Gaspar. We got him about a month ago. And this is probably the one and only time you'll hear anything about him. We got him off Craigslist. A family was trying to get rid of him because their daughter's asthma was linked to him and they wanted a good home for him. I wanted another cat. He was fixed and declawed and it sounded like a good fit. I wanted a cat my daughter could interact more with since Gandalf is so old and out of it. I originally wanted a kitten but I knew getting it's shots, getting it fixed, keeping it from clawing the furniture, etc. was going to be a challenge so I opted for a cat out of the kitten stage.

He was NOT happy when he arrived and spent the first few days hissing and slapping at us if we got near him. And flipping his lid if Gandalf got close to him. Right away my husband didn't like him but I figured he'd be fine after awhile. It's been a month now and he's "settled" in now. He'll let us pet him and stuff but he doesn't like to cuddle or even get in your lap much (he's climbed in mine twice for a minute or two). Even though he's short haired he sheds like crazy. He sleeps on my daughter's bed a lot and her covers are covered in fur all the time. Gandalf is messy with his food and Gaspar is messy with the litter. He constantly climbs on the counter tops and table which is a BIG no no but his previous owners allowed him to climb on theirs for four years so I don't even know if we can break that habit. He also bites occasionally, never drawn blood but he left four teeth marks on me before. 

For me, I grew up with TONS of pets. We constantly had dogs and cats around and I'm used to the crap that comes a long with them. It's much harder for my OCD hubby to deal with. So needless to say it's been stressful the month he's been here. My daughter has suddenly decided she doesn't want him in her room anymore which leaves very little space for him to roam and be in. 

So needless to say we're giving him back. I hate it and I feel awful but ultimately I guess it's the right decision. And I know I'll get over it at some point.

But we seem to have what I called the Second Pet Curse. 

Gaspar is the fourth "second pet" we've tried to have since we got Gandalf shortly after we got married. The first was a cat I adopted from our local vet. She seemed really sweet, I named her Esme' and brought her home. She was bat crazy. She tore up stuff around the house, would bite at you when you tried to touch her, etc. After several months I knew it wasn't going to work out so I had to get rid of her. 

Then we got Gypsy. He was a kitten from my mother in law's cattery and I LOVED him. He was beautiful and the perfect lap cat. He'd snuggle with you all day and had the sweetest personality. After only a month or so we lost him in an accident with the dryer. (That was almost two years ago and I still get choked up and I'm still nervous when I start the dryer every day.)

A few months later my mother in law talked me into another kitten. A little female named Gemima. She wasn't nearly as loving as Gypsy and kept to herself a lot. But she was perpetually sick and constantly got crap everywhere. Literally. In the end I was able to place her in another home because it was just too much.

And now.....many months later I wanted another cat. Again. Gave it a try and well, here we are.

I think I'm done with pets. I guess I figured since Gianna is an only child having pets around would be fun for her and important. But obviously it's just not meant to be. So after this I seriously doubt we'll ever get another cat. At least not at my suggestion.

So that's that. Within a week or so I think his previous owners are going to come get him and hopefully they'll be able to find a good home for him.

*sigh*

Tat Talk

Did a video about my tattoos and why I got them.....I've done similar blog posts but sometimes it's hard to type it all out so I talk about it and show them to you!

The hubby & I vlogged!

So yesterday, while the kiddo was still at school, the hubby and I sat down and did a marriage tag vlog. We got this from my friend Mallory and her husband. She has an awesome YouTube channel where she does tutorials on hair and makeup....she's flawless so check it out! She also has a blog she just started, so go show her some love!

So anyway, the video is a little long but it's funny and gets better as we go so take a few minutes to watch it! And let me know if you and your hubby decide to do one - leave me a link! I love watching these kinda things.

I think that I may start vlogging more - since I'm kinda over the whole blogging thing. But I'll leave links here. I've got a video about my tattoos coming up soon and also a tour a our new house! So stay tuned!

25 Things....

(Stole this idea from Jess over at irocksowhat!)

1. I haven't bought new clothes in almost 2 years. I think the last clothing I bought was a pair of khakis and a blue shirt for work. It just always seems there are more important things to take care of first.

2. For the first time in my life I am living away from family completely. I've always had some family within 30 minutes of me. Now the closest is an hour away but we don't really talk. The rest live in AL - about 6 hours away.

3. I don't really enjoy watching movies at home, I get bored. I'd rather flip channels and watch various shows on TV. But I LOVE going to the movies - I'd go every weekend if I could.

4. I've never felt like I truly fit in with any "group" of people. I always feel out of place with almost everyone. I'm not really nerdy, not preppy, not hipster, not artsy....

5. Originally Gianna was going to be Eisley Tatum. Even though I like her name I kinda wish I had stuck with Eisley especially since I love the band Eisley and the girls in it now!

6. My husband says I have really taste when it comes to picking out men (lol!) - I like them tall and thin! The opposite of myself! Lol!

7. At 26 I feel like I know what I'd like to do in life but it would require me to go back to college and I just don't know that I want to....I guess I'm lazy. Or lame. Or both.

8. I don't really love to cook but around the holidays I get this urge to bake. But because I can't say no to eating them all I usually avoid baking anything. Cakes are my favorite to bake.

9. I'm slightly addicted to Instagram. It's my favorite thing ever. I'd give up Facebook and Twitter (if I absolutely had to!) to keep Instagram! (follow me at @alaythea)

10. I am HORRIBLE at home decorating. I see all these great ideas and have a vision of what I want but when it comes to executing it I'm all thumbs.

11. I could eat Taco Bell everyday. I don't think I would get tired of it. I love it.

12. I'm "allergic" to pork but I still eat bacon because I mean, it's worth getting sick to eat bacon, right?!!

13. Chocolate & peanut butter and Chocolate & Mint has to be two of my favorite flavor combo's ever!

14. The smell of oranges and cinnamon makes me happy and makes me feel like it's the holidays.

15. I LOVE Salt & Vinegar Kettle chips. I can literally eat them until I get sores in my mouth from the vinegar! lol!

16. I have this thing about "modern" vampires. Ya know, the more romantic vampires like Twilight and The Vampire Diaries. The romance, the "danger", the adventure, the secrets, etc. It's all so exciting!

17. I think well done tattoos are SO gorgeous. If it weren't for money I would be really inked up by now. Fit women with beautiful tattoos intrigue me like nothing else & hot guys with tattoos? To die for.

18. I blogged religiously for years, almost daily. Suddenly I just hated it. So now I randomly post whenever the urge hits. 

19. If I could move out of the country to anywhere I'd go to Greece. I think it's unbelievably stunning and I love the laid back feel those little Greek towns have.

20. I would be completely and utterly starstruck around Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers. After my husband I seriously think he is the most gorgeous man alive. Perfection. AND he can sing. It doesn't get much better! :-)

21. I have this dream of vacationing at the beach in a tiny little seaside cottage. A little run down but quaint.

22. I have tiny feet, my dad has always joked that he doesn't know how they hold me up! I can wear kids sizes in a lot of brands. It's saved me money over the years because the kids sizes are usually cheaper.

23. I absolutely HATE feeling like I'm "in trouble" or I've done something wrong. Hate it. When I get corrected at work or anywhere it just makes me feel so awful and I think about it constantly until I'm able to "fix it" or do it right.

24. I'm the oldest of 5 kids, I'm not super close to any of my siblings really. But I do enjoy getting to hang out with them around the holidays.

25. I've never played sports of any kind, I'm just not coordinated enough. I duck when someone throws a ball my direction! 

Share 25 things about yourself and come back and leave me a link in 

the comment section! I'd love to read about you!

Currently....

Watching: The hubby and I have been slowly working our way through the show Jericho on Netflix. It takes awhile because I work 4 out of 7 evenings each week which means I'm not home until after 11pm. But usually Thurs and Fri night we try to watch an episode or two. I'm so bummed that season 2 got cancelled so I'm afraid season 1 is just going to leave us hanging. :-/  On my own I'm watching The Vampire Diaries though. I started watching the first season on TV, finished it on Netflix then kinda forgot about it but a week or so again I saw a commercial for the new season and thought I'd get back into it so I'm working through season 2 now. Not really watching anything "current" on TV. Too much work to try and keep up with a show weekly. Even with our DVR it doesn't really help. We've got half a dozen Restaurant Impossible episodes saved and have yet to watch them!

Listening To: No new albums or anything really. I kinda get hooked on a particular song more than a full album. I'm back on a Coldplay kick so I've been listening back through some of their stuff recently. And I'm also totally hooked on a few songs by the artist Birdy. She's mesmerizing! Just A Game and Skinny Love are both beautiful songs. Also check out Natalia Jayden. I heard about her after my husband showed me her cover of Justin Bieber's As Long As You Love Me. Now I'm in love with her first single Run For The Door! Go check it out and shake ya booty a little!

Thinking About: Honestly, I have SO much on my mind right now. In fact, my husband has mentioned I've been a little quiet and moody lately. I don't mean to be but when I have a lot I'm trying to sort through in my mind I just get that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm mentally arguing with myself a bit. No, don't get worried, I'm not hearing voices or anything! But I do feel like my inner self is reasoning and working and doing it's best to figure out everything. Sorting through what is emotional fads and what are legit things I should pursue.....then figuring out how to pursue them, etc. I'm 26 and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I "grow up"! I think I have it narrowed down to two things (lol!) but how do I go about becoming these things?! That's the scary part. I have a hard time balancing things - how do I balance working my current job, taking care of my child, spending time with my husband, supporting his dreams and pursuits, and also pursuing my own. I guess because of that I tend to just push mine to the back and support his because if I can't mentally figure out how to do both I'd rather give up mine so he can have his. So yeah, SO much on my mind right now. Things I want to make happen but don't know how, things I'm afraid may never happen and things, things, things! Lol!

Trying To Figure Out: Well, I think I kinda covered this one in the paragraph above! Lol! But overall, this is what I'm trying to figure out....
1. What I want as a career...and how to go about making that happen.
2. The next step for us a family....
3. How to help my husband pursue the career he dreams of.
4. How to raise a well rounded daughter.

Looking Forward To: The holidays! I know that sounds kinda cliche' but I am! The festiveness, the fun, spending time with family. I do miss my family and it'll be fun to enjoy some time with them around the holidays. I'm also looking forward to a few days off around Christmas too (hopefully, waiting for my manager to approve it. Fingers crossed!). I'm also looking forward to going out with friends Friday night too - they are taking us to this little crepe place downtown, I'm excited to try it! We are blessed to have a well behaved daughter that we can take out and not worry about her being "bad" or having "melt downs" because otherwise we'd never go out now because we don't have any babysitters here!

Reading: I've still yet to get a library card so I'm reading the few books around the house that I haven't read so I'm working through Firestarter by Stephen King. It's been good so far, not the best by him but still not a bad story at all.

Making Me Happy: Off days! Lol! I really look forward to those two days where I feel like life is still mine. Having Friday's off has been nice too because I get the spend the first half of the day with Beej even if it's just running errands and grabbing a quick lunch. It's nice having a little time with him. Since we don't really have anyone around here to babysit we don't get any date nights so Friday mornings have become our new "date night" while Gianna is at school. And he also has the option to go do something fun for himself like golf or whatever since he's with Gianna Sat and Sun while I work.

So yeah, that's what's up. I don't really take the time to truly blog much anymore. Sometimes I miss it and sometimes I don't. There are so many things I'd like to blog about and share but I'm not sure right now is the right time. There are still a lot of things up in the air and things we are waiting on......

What are you currently up to?! Leave me a link if you decide to do a "currently" post!