Am I admired for who I am?!

(Crystal- My dearest and bestest friend! My first best friend and hopefully my best friend til the end!!! I love her dearly and admire her zest for life and her happiness in who she is and where she is going! A wonderful mother and talented photographer! She inspires me!!!)
(April - a fellow young mother and I admire her so much! Talented and full of life! A great mother and such a supportive wife! Not to mention beautiful too!)
(Erica- a true inspiration for me! Super fit and such a happy person! She makes me smile!)
(Cristina - isn't she beautiful?! And that adorable little boy of hers too! She's the picture of healthy and fit! And I just love that!)

Don't you just love it when people assume that everything you say is about them?!!! This happens to me a lot it seems. I guess a lot of what I say applies to a lot of people so they all take it personally. But I've also learned that most of the people who take everything I say personally are usually a little of their rockers anyway! So I don't let it worry me. I've long ago realized that the majority of the people you try to befriend or at least be nice to will at some point turn on you or just lose it themselves. I'm trying not to really care any more. Realizing that at some point other people will replace them. I do tend to get attached to people emotionally though and it can be hard for me to let them go even when they treat me like crap. But I'm smart enough to not be involved with them I still have a hard time letting go completely. Someone I used to be acquainted with recently read my blog and assumed that everything I was saying was directed at her! Even though at the time it wasn't I see now that it did apply to her too! Lol! But since this person doesn't care on little bit for me I didn't take her pouting about it very seriously. I've long ago realized that she is simply insecure and well, to be honest, jealous of me. I guess we are all jealous of someone we know but some of us handle it a lot better then other do. Some people let it fester inside them until they are so angry they can't stand you, other people just let it hold them back and they keep quiet about it but it makes them even more insecure, or still others rejoice in others strengths and do their best to reach their full potential as well. For instance, I'm a little jealous of my dear friend, Crystal. But instead of hating her for all her accomplishments I rejoice with her! I'm happy she's made it to where she has and that she is so perfectly happy where she is! She is very much in love with her husband and they have a delightful baby boy together whom they practically worship!!! And she's got a wonderful photography business - she's talented at what she does and she finds fulfillment in it. You can check her out on Facebook under b.L.c Photography. She does incredible work and I would so recommend her to you! It makes me wanna push myself harder to find what my true love and calling is in life and to be happy and fulfilled in it! I guess I try to turn what could potentially be jealousy into admiration for that person instead. I also "admire" my fellow blogger and friend, April. She is beautiful and artsy. She's also smart and very talented when it comes to graphic designing. She's also raising two children and supporting her husband as he pursues his musical career. I think their family is adorable and I admire them a lot. I'm also very much inspired my "friends" Erica and Cristina. Even though we've never met I love them both and admire them greatly. They both are fitness fanatics and I so want to be like that one day! I'm so far from it. But hearing about them working out every day despite having full schedules and 3 & 4 children each I am inspire that I too can keep up a work out routine with only one child! They are both gorgeous and have the kind of bodies every woman would like to have! I wanna be like them when I grow up! Lol! I tell them that all the time!
So in the end - I want to be happy, successful, artsy, and fit! I want to be a wonderful mother and an incredible wife! I want to be able to be those things with out ever having to worry about what others think....I want to push aside all the negative crap that has been shoved my way and just be who I am! I want to find my "calling" and love in life. I want someone else to look at me and "admire" me for who I am!!!

Holiday Pics!

Riding the Carousel!!!
My sweet little family in downtown Chattanooga....
My wonderful Nana with me and Gianna!
Gianna and her second cousin, Ava. They are only a month apart! They love each other dearly!

Things I Hate....

I HATE Packing - I used to hate packing for myself but now that I have to pack for me and Gianna it's even worst. Trying to decide what to take and not to take, making sure you don't forget anything, trying to get everything you want to take into your bag. That feeling that you must have forgotten something although you can't for the life of you think of what it might be.....
I HATE ants - our house has been over run with ants off and on for months now. The bug people come out and "take care" of it and then a few weeks later there are ants somewhere else, we had them on our couch, coming through the front door, in our dining room and most recently all around our sink. They are gone for the moment but I'm not holding my breath!
Yes, I'll admit it, I HATE Miley Cyrus - I hate the way she talks, like there is peanut butter stuck on the roof of her mouth! I hate the way she sings all out of her nose (Although I will admit I like two of her songs but not the way she sings them!) and I hate how stuck on herself she is. She said "I'm pretty much the greatest person ever...." and no, she wasn't kidding.
I HATE doing laundry - I think I'd rather do any other chore then fold laundry. I often forget to get the laundry started until Gianna is out of undies or something! I know that's awful but it's the truth. And then having to fold it all, UGH!
I HATE drinking - I rarely, if ever, get in what I'm supposed to for the day. Which I know isn't good for me and I do try but I just rarely drink anything. Sometimes I'll feel a little thirsty in the afternoon and realize the only thing I've had to drink was the little bit of liquid I washed my vitamins down with. I try to make a conscience effort to drink more but it's so hard......

Multiple Children....

As many of you know, I am done having children. Never again will I have a child unless my some serious strange fluke! I had my tubes tied over a year ago and I'm not ashamed to say it or talk about it. I honestly think it was one of the greatest things I ever did for myself, at least since having a child! Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more then anything in the world, wouldn't trade her for anything. But being a parent is exhausting, overwhelming, trying and hard. It's also amazing, rewarding, sweet and fun! Lol! I admire anyone who has more then one child. I know every child is different, some of much more relaxed and easy going so having another one seems like a good idea. Gianna is a good child, although right now she's going through the trying two's and everything seems to cause a fuss, a melt down and a flood of tears lately. But overall she's self entertaining most of the time and she does listen. She's just energetic and willful too. But even on good or even great days I still wonder why in the world someone who has a child who is under the age of , oh, ten would want another one!!! My life would be insane and I would have no nerves or patience if I had another one. Especially since you get no sleep with a newborn. If I wasn't getting a full nights rest every night I'd go insane! Luckily, Gianna is a great sleeper! She goes to bed by 9pm at the latest and sleeps til anywhere from 7am to 8:30am! But the thought of dealing with a almost three year old and being pregnant or having another baby makes me want to pull my hair out! I also wonder why people decide to have another child when their current child is a little hellion!!! It's like, oh, yeah, I have no control over this child so let's have another one! Great idea! I personally can't imagine us trying to support another child on our income either. We are doing fine but another one would totally sink us I think! I know people who don't have jobs and they are having more kids. Is that wise? Isn't that kinda selfish to bring a child into a home where you are barely making ends meet as it is? Especially when you have control over getting pregnant. I mean, come on, most of the time when you really use birth control you don't get pregnant! Birth control nearly drove me out of my head. I had never been on it until after I gave birth to Gianna. The next year, between surgeries (c-section, gallbladder and tubal) and birth control I thought I was going to lose my mind. I've never felt more out of control of my mind and body. Horrible mood swings, violent temper, appetite increase, weight gain, headaches....it was the worst year of my personal life I think. After I had my tubes tied and got off the birth control things slowly and gone back to "normal" for me. I feel good again, energetic, and in control for the most part. I can control my moods and temper much easier then before. I don't feel like I'm on the edge all the time. For me, one child is plenty. I've done the pregnancy and birth thing. I'm doing parenthood. I've experienced it. Gianna is beautiful and a blessing. I can't imagine loving anyone anymore. I was the oldest of 5 and I just don't ever want to put Gianna into the same place I was in growing up, the oldest. Too much responsibility. I want Gianna to enjoy her life to herself. To be able to grow up and think about what she wants to do and where she wants to go and not having to worry about anything else. I want us to be able to provide her with everything we can. I love that's she an only child. You can tell me all the con's to being an only child and I can come up with just as many con's with being one of multiple children. I like our small family, I like the modern feel it has for me. I like being able to pick up and go alot easier with one then multiples. I like it that it's easier to get a babysitter for one then if I had several to throw on someone! One is good for me! Do I criticize those with more? Absolutely not! I just don't understand it at all! Lol!

Today I Love....

I have a friend who is a great blogger. I always enjoy looking at her blog. Even though it's very simple it's neat to see. She posts things she's doing work wise, she's a graphic designer but she also posts things she's into or liking at the moment. She's much more artsy then I am and her things are much neater but I liked the idea and thought I might steal it for the day! I haven't felt like blogging much lately. Not a lot going on that's very interesting really. Just getting ready for the holidays. Going out of town this weekend to have an early Christmas with extended family. Eager to see everyone! But today these are the things I love!












Brandon Flowers - Lead singer of the Killers and absolutely brilliant! Amazing voice and incredible song writer! I love to hear him sing and I love watching him sing! Lol!


Jessica Alba - She is my inspiration for working out and she is what I hope to look like soon! I have a picture of her up on my fridge to help inspire me! I love her fashion, I think she's talented and of course a great mommy!

Range Rover - Ah, yes! My dream car! I do plan to own one some day, when Beej makes his millions doing music! I want a black one with cream leather interior! It's beautiful!

Dean Koontz - I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read! Recently my hubby and I have gotten into reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz books. They are both brilliant writers. Not just horror like some people think. We have started collecting books from local thrift stores and book shops. We have quite a collection going so far! I just started The Voice Of The Night.....I just finished One Door Away From Heaven by D.K. too. Great book!

This is So Sad!

This is Edward and Bella. They are Chiquaqua's. They are super sweet and cuddly. But someone didn't want them, they were dropped into an over night animal shoot at the local animal shelter. Someone there rescued them and brought them to our local animal hospital to be cared for and then hopefully adopted. Luckily they have been adopted into a loving home by someone who works at the animal hospital. There is just one problem, well technically two, Edward and Bella both are missing legs. Neither of them have front legs, at all. They are a result of back yard inbreeding. The general result is that the puppies are born missing limbs. Other then that these puppies are healthy and sweet. But they can't get around on two hind legs. So our animal hospital is trying to raise the funds to get them some "wheels". These wheels will be attached by a harness to the front of each puppy so that they can be mobile on their own. Similar to the ones found on this site - dogkarts.com. This really touched me, I got to hold Edward today, he was so sweet and tiny! It would be such a blessing if we could all pitch in and help their owners purchase their "wheels" for them. Rutherford Animal Hospital in Rutherfordton, NC is accepting donations right now. Please consider helping these adorable little puppies have a better life!!!!

"You're Not Happy Here" and neither am I!

My husband recently released an EP, a short length album. He put alot of time and effort into it and it's a great project and I know there is so much more to come from him. I find it amazing how many people said they loved the songs and couldn't wait for the EP but once it came out no one has made the effort to go spend $6 on it. I mean come on, they probably spent more then that on lunch today. Skip lunch one day and buy it. If nothing else you are supporting someone else's love and dream. I know you'd want to be supported if it were you, right? And it's not like I am asking them to go buy some crap. It's done well, it's done with quality. Makes me not ever want to record or release anything of my own because I feel like no one would support me in it or come off the cash to buy it. Yeah, I know things are tight for everyone but like I said you probably spend $6 or more on lunch out every day. This is so important to him and I don't know how else to promote it or push it. Even if they don't want the whole album they could still go down load a couple of songs. I'm just at the point now where I feel like you can never truly count on anyone. Everyone is supportive with their mouth but rarely with their resources. I don't want to become bitter towards people in general and I guess I keep trying because I am just hoping that there is hope out there somewhere but so far I haven't seen it! Lol! But then I'm truly amazed at the crap people will support instead! Someone of true quality and talent is out there doing what they love, making great tunes and no one budges. But give someone a mic on Sunday that can't carry a dad-gum tune, let her shake a little and every screams "the anointing" and practically worships them. Gag. Yeah, I know, I'm ranting and raving a little but that's kinda what I keep a blog for! Lol! I'm sick of no talent crap getting all the attention and people with true talent getting tossed by the way side. And I guess that's been alot of musicians/singers biggest beef with the music industry in general. It's so hard to build a true fan following. I'm at a loss on how to get this music into the right hands, into people's hands who have a love for indie rock. Well, at least I can say that seeing how unsupportive people are that it has made me really step up and support bands and artists I like and admire. I've really been pushing another band called Campbell the Band. I think their music is great and I'm eagerly awaiting the opportunity to buy it. If nothing else but to show them that someone out there respects what they are doing. I don't want to beg or pressure anyone into buying 'Thoughts and After That' by Stranger in Bree but I think it's totally worth it. And that's coming from a long time lover of music and someone who wants to do music again some day too.......but I'm not holding my breath.

Campbell the Band - 'Cancer'

I am absolutely in love with this song! It's one of those songs that even though I may not completely understand it somehow it speaks to me.....not to mention the music is beautiful. Everytime I hear it I am almost moved to tears. I am very proud of this band too since I know one of the members. We aren't super close but I've known him for several years and I'm pleased with who he is becoming and the deeper message in their songs. He and his bandmates are very talented and I'm pleased to help promote them some!!! Check them out at myspace.com/campbelltheband and at Facebook.com/campbelltheband. Another great song is "God Never Sleeps"......

"Cancer" by Campbell the Band
You're so plain, and you're so sane. I feel that you are hardly real.
Twist your mind and break your thoughts in two, so I can look like you.

You are all I am, if my wishes all went as planned.
You are all I am, if I needed false hope to stand.

If your made of stone, then break my bones and steal my home.
You will find tradition makes you blind and leaves you so alone.

You are all I am, if my wishes all went as planned.
You are all I am, if I needed false hope to stand.

Don't make God wake your mind...wake your soul.
Don't give Him reason for letting go.
Don't let God drag you on...run to Him.
Don't let Him fade.

Trying Two's

We are in the midst of the "trying two's". I choose not to call them the terrible two's because I don't want any part of Gianna's life to be remembered as terrible. And well, I guess it could be worse. But it is very trying to say the least! She is pushing my buttons constantly. Everything is a struggle with her now. She isn't a fit pitcher really, she doesn't scream or throw her self down. Mainly because she knows I'd NEVER allow that kind of behavior. But she does test me and Beej big time! She doesn't ever want to ride in the buggy at the store anymore, if I insist she does she wants to sit in the back but then she won't sit down, she wants to stand up. And then if I let her walk she doesn't want to hold my hand. It's like something constantly. Today we went to eat lunch at Burger King and I put her in a high chair and she didn't want to sit in it, she wanted to sit in the "big girl" seat but then I knew she wouldn't stay seated and she'd end up with food all over her. But she got mad and so we spent half the meal threatening to give her a spanking if she didn't obey. Then she refused to eat anything...ugh! The list could go on and on. She is all the time back talking me and telling me "not to talk". Or she'll put her hand up in my face when I'm telling her something. Little booger! I'm trying so hard to talk her through this stuff and not lose my patience but it's so hard. I just feel like it never gets through to her. I do have to spank her sometimes and I do hate it but at the same time I'm not going to allow her to become a brat. I've been around way too many kids that are rude and obnoxious and their parents can't control them in any way. I want Gianna to be a well behaved child that others can enjoy being around. But at the same time I want her to be able to be a child but a good one! She's such a smart child, she catches onto things quickly. Sometimes too quickly! She has a heard a few bad words lately that I don't know where she got them. I try to be very careful what she watches on TV and who she's around and what they say but somewhere she picked up the word "b*tch". The other day we were cleaning the bathroom and she walked over to the tub and said "We're gonna clean this b*tch!" I was shocked! I almost laughed too! It was pretty funny but awful at the same time! I explained to her that it was a bad, bad word and she wasn't to say it at all, ever! She seemed upset at first but then she just kept saying "That's a bad, bad word!" She knows her colors fairly well now, she gets them mixed up every once in awhile but for the most part she knows. She's got most of her basic shapes down too. Rectangles are her biggest thing right now, she sees rectangles everywhere! She is learning the differences between number and letters. We're working on them, she has a set of numbers and letters that go in the bath tub and she loves pointing them out and asking or telling me what they are. Potty training is still iffy. She does pretty good at home, she still has a few little "accidents" on her way to the potty but for the most part she has it down. She doesn't stay dry at night or nap time so she wears a pull up and I put a pull up on her when we go out. And to be honest, I am just lazy when it comes to taking her to the bathroom when we are out. She forgets to tell me and I just don't take her. I've got to get better at doing that. After Christmas I think we are going back to no pull ups and just deal with panties. She's got to get this thing down before she turns 3! So much work!!!! I'm so excited about Christmas with her this year - she is very hyped about it!

Feeling Alone....

So, I'm feeling alone again. Mainly in my exercise quest again. I started out with my hubby and some friends helping me and motivating me but my hubby dropped out and I think my friends might have to now....or at least breaked for the holidays. And that's totally fine but I just feel alone again. I don't have anyone to help me or to talk to about it anymore. I'm feeling my motivation lagging again. I'm not at all satisfied with how I look but I can't seem to get up the gumption to get where I wanna be. The holidays are looming ahead too and I'm terrified I'm going to get fat again. But I don't know how to get my motivation and excitement back. I've skipped two work outs this week for no reason other then I was just too lazy to do them. And that pisses me off. And I'm eating WAY too much again too. I was doing so good watching what I was eating and how much. Now I'm back to just eating whatever, whenever I want. And well, it's going to start catching up with me again. I guess I'm also afraid that losing more weight will lose me more friends too. My last best friend ended our friendship over some trivial things but I think the real reason she didn't want to be my friend anymore is because I was losing weight. Yeah, that sounds kinda like I'm tooting my own horn but that's not the case, I'm just saying I think she got jealous. And that hurts my feelings too - to think that my friendship to someone is less important then them feeling good. Dang people! Anyway, my next goal is of course a size 4 at Old Navy! And to lose at least another 10 to 15lbs. I think my "reward" will be to pay and get my hair done at a nice salon! I've been wanting to go red for awhile just haven't had the money to have it done right! So maybe I can save up a good $200 and go get it done in Greenville or somewhere. I think I deserve it! So I need to get my lazy butt back in gear and not count on everyone else to motivate and encourage me! I have go to learn to do it myself!!!!!